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Hi guys,

 

I met this guy off online dating in March in person after approx 2 - 4 weeks chatting on msn.

 

Anyway we had a pretty average first meeting although I felt an immediate attraction (which is rare for me), followed by an amazing first date. (Apologies to those who have heard this story before!). During the first proper date we went to the beach, talked for a few hours just lying on the grass, he gave me a massage, was very affectionate, and tried to kiss me but I backed away (I was nervous and had not had my first kiss, despite being 25!). Anyway the rest of the afternoon still seemed to be going well, he asked me out to the movies that night but I had to decline because I had stuff going on at home. Anyway when we parted I said, I guess we'll chat soon?

 

That evening I texted him to say "I had a good time, thanks for a nice afternoon" and he finally texted back the next day simply saying something like - Thats cool... I knew he was going away the following 2 weekends in a row, so I didn't expect too much too soon.. but I had hoped for more given the interaction on the first date. So I persisted and continued a text conversation - okay probably more me putting in effort than him, but I figured he was just not a very "text friendly" type person.

 

Anyway not much contact over that week, then the following week he finally comes on msn and we chat and I basically said I was a bit confused by him, and he said if I wanted to see him again, I would have asked, and I had backed away when he tried to kiss me.. etc.. Anyway I thought all was resolved during that chat and we agreed we both wanted to see each other again, so I said call me... Anyway he didn't, and silly me, I texted him to ask him what his plans were for fri night? And he said movies, but didn't ask me etc... At which point I was pretty much at the end of my tether and texted him back saying something like "I get it now, I hope you find what you're looking for.." Okay I know overdramatic, he didn't reply. I then emailed him a few days later when I had cooled down to say "Okay I'm sorry I was overdramatic" - again not a good move, I know now in my wisdom. He didn't reply and for about 1 month he didn't talk to me on msn etc.

 

Then some other stuff happened in my life, and I was out of action for many months - not on msn etc. Then in July, he decides to message me on msn out of the blue... He asked if I was annoyed at him and I said, what do you expect, and then continued to say, anyway I'm over it and then ignored any previous attempts from him - he said hi and I just went offline / ignored.

 

I finally succumbed again in August because I was still stuck on him and had no other options in sight. We chatted a bit over a few weeks, but again he never asked me out.

 

Anyway last week in the midst of all my other boy dramas, he texted me out of the blue and asked if I'd like to catch up. I said yes (thinking it was someone else) but then declined when I realised it was him (never should have deleted his number from my phone!!) - just said actually I'm busy saturday (no apology, no plan for another day etc, to show him I am sick of him). He then texted again on fri to say "i'll assume you don't want to catch up"...

 

I don't know .. I know all the signs point to him not being good enough and being unreliable and not into me enough (or else he would have done with 7 months ago) but he is the ONLY guy I have felt that much of a spark with in a LONG time...........

 

I know I should give up on this, right?

 

Ammy

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i know its not what you want to hear, but yes your your right.

i dunno what but there's something about him from reading that... makes me feel hes not trustworthy. i mean, yeah fair enough, you go to kiss a girl, then she pulls away, not the nicest thing in the world, but his reaction seemed so over the top and childish, even after you explained, hell your reason wouldn't have me worried at all about you backing away.

 

maybe hes after a bit of fun for a little while, maybe hes after dates, maybe he does like you, but either way, hes not showing any signs of being prepared to put any effort into a relationship is he? hes not even any showing signs of putting in an effort for basic communication. seems he only wants to chat to you when it suits him.

 

so yeah i think your right to feel that way, and i think you should look at the signs, and trust ya gut instinct,

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well, I think he read your backing away from the kiss and the decline for the movie date as you not being interested, and lots of stuff getting lost in the translation of the texts.

 

I know Allie, I thought that too, but after that I made it clear I liked him and yet he still didn't pick up his game until 6 months later....

 

 

Do I give it one last go??

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I know you're right! Actually I didn't explain why I backed away when he tried to kiss me... but I did explain that I did want to see him again. Clearly enough I think.

 

I wish I could just forget about him though... I thought having other options would do that, but it hasn't.. I think because I felt that real spark with him, and that hasn't come again yet... it rarely does for me!

 

Ammy

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I know you're right! Actually I didn't explain why I backed away when he tried to kiss me... but I did explain that I did want to see him again. Clearly enough I think.

 

I wish I could just forget about him though... I thought having other options would do that, but it hasn't.. I think because I felt that real spark with him, and that hasn't come again yet... it rarely does for me!

 

Ammy

 

to be honest the factor of the kiss is a very small piece of the puzzle with his attitude

 

it rarely comes for everyone.. unless your an electrician.. but that's the beauty right? when it does come, and hes the right guy for you, its going to be special and rare

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It sounds like you gave each other mixed signals and relied on texting/IMing to communicate which is not the best idea with someone you are trying to get to know. He is probably a bit wary from your style of texting only, then apologizing via text, as well as the mixed signals in person. You are wary from what you saw as him asking you out again but not following up (to me, unless a guy asks me out with an actual day I don't assume it's a set plan-- expressing interest in getting together again is a positive, but not yet a date).

 

Having said that, nothing wrong with going on one more date with the guy - what's one date, after all, but it sounds like you two are not a match. Sorry for the frustration!

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I totally agree. It was the first date and there is no law that states that a woman has to be up for a kiss with a stranger on the first date. There was nothing wrong with you backing away, even if you would have had prior experience. You certainly made it clear that you were interested. He sounds a bit wishy washy and I am not so sure he is worth pursuing...if this is the way he operates you can expect more of the same from him.

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il be honest, if i was on a date with someone i really liked, and i got the guts and went in for a kiss, and she pulled away, id be pretty upset. even if she's having a great that time, id feel rejected and decide she likes me as a friend.

 

BUT the maturity that followed that batya is what concerns me, ok she didnt tell him shes never been kissed before, but she told him she liked him after, i mean ,Signal wise thats better then a kiss, you know exactly were you are.

 

all im saying is if i was was in his situation, and i really liked this girl and wanted to make something of it, i wouldn't start the race in relax mode put it that way lol.

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I know Allie, I thought that too, but after that I made it clear I liked him and yet he still didn't pick up his game until 6 months later....

 

 

Do I give it one last go??

 

It could be that he was pursuing something with someone else at the time, and your pulling away, sort of over dramatic response (really wasn't that bad), and pursuing him were a turn off at the time. Perhaps, at the time, it just wasn't worth it for him to "step up his game."

 

And perhaps "life happened" to you both over the course of the past few months... and now you're both available.

 

I would say give it a go with NO ZERO ZIP NADA expectations. Meet him for coffee and catch up. Expect nothing after that. And see how it goes.

 

Someone very wise once told me that it's not just finding the right person... it's finding the right person at the right time.

 

YS

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Nah, I wouldn't meet up with him again. I've done the same thing, given someone a second chance a few months later, and it doesn't really work out. Kind of because he didn't feel exactly inspired to give it a go with you the first time, I think that it will eb the same after the second time.

 

Although as Batya said, if you live close by and it's not a major effort, by all means go out on a date with him. But I don't think it will pan out to be honest. Sorry.

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It sounds like you gave each other mixed signals and relied on texting/IMing to communicate which is not the best idea with someone you are trying to get to know. He is probably a bit wary from your style of texting only, then apologizing via text, as well as the mixed signals in person. You are wary from what you saw as him asking you out again but not following up (to me, unless a guy asks me out with an actual day I don't assume it's a set plan-- expressing interest in getting together again is a positive, but not yet a date).

 

Having said that, nothing wrong with going on one more date with the guy - what's one date, after all, but it sounds like you two are not a match. Sorry for the frustration!

 

i agree with batya.

 

honestly though, like she said, i don't get the sense that you two really 'connected' or felt some kind of strong chemistry. i think relying on texts leads to a lot of miscommunication.

 

i dunno - are you just bored? if you had a lot of other guys waiting in the wings, would you really be so keen to see this guy again? you don't sound all that keen now.

 

let's face it - if you have to go online and ask a bunch of random strangers if you should see him again, you can't be all that interested in him.

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I think that the situation from both sides is too confused to know what this guy is thinking. So the best plan is to go out with him again and see what happens. One more date isn't any sort of commitment. Just see what he is like and if there is a connection. If there isn't move on and if there is put down what happened before to bad communication for whatever reason and start over.

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ps - something to think about. i understand why you were skittish when he tried to kiss you. i understand that you just met the guy, you may not be comfortable kissing him. on the other hand, you are on a date, and it's not inappropriate for a guy on a date to try to kiss the woman. however, if you do reject his kiss, i think you need to make it really clear that you aren't rejecting HIM, just that you aren't ready to kiss him yet. if you just say something like, 'i'm not the kind of girl who kisses on a first date, but i like you, and i want to keep seeing you', then you've at least assured him that he still has a chance with you.

 

something to keep in mind for the future.

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I probably wouldn't meet up again.

 

I don't view the situation as unclear. He showed some pretty obvious disinterest in you through the course of time. You did the same thing, however, in your case, you reaffirmed your interest to avoid confusion. He didn't.

 

Why go out again?

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Thanks for all the responses guys, I didn't expect such a good response!

 

I think deep down I know he wasn't that into me.... but because I was sooo inexperienced, I know I also did a lot of things that I would not repeat again - I have found I have done much better more recently with men than ever before because of this.... That said, the right person I would think would understand, and still want to get to know me better, not make a quick decision after 1 week!

 

His explanation for why he cooled off me - I sent too many text messages and it "scared" him.... *eye roll*, I did send a few messages, but they were reciprocal and what I said was not extreme - just "how are you" type stuff... I never send multiple in a row without him replying...

 

Not sure why this guy has such a hold on me, even when I have other options around, I still focus on him, and yet we only spent a limited time together and communicating - silly and irrational I know! The main thing that motivates me to meet him again is to get him out of my system - see him for what he really is, instead of this romanticised image I have of him. That however is coupled with the desire to maintain my pride - now that he is chasing me, sending ME the texts (and I'm not replying / replying briefly) I have regained some of the pride I feel I lost earlier. So if I succumb and see him again, he'll think I am sooo into him and I don't want him to think that - I am being childish I know, I know it doesn't really matter at the end of the day, but I hate a guy to get one up on me, hehe.

 

I think I will just leave it for now, IF he decides to message me again I may respond, I won't initiate anything with him though (at least I will try extra hard!).

 

Anyway thanks guys!

 

Ammy

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Ammy, I went through similar "irrationalities" especially in my 20s but I'll tell you why I was luckier than you - because I didn't have the internet and thereforee couldn't act on my focus by googling the person, checking his facebook, etc. ;-)

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Ammy, I went through similar "irrationalities" especially in my 20s but I'll tell you why I was luckier than you - because I didn't have the internet and thereforee couldn't act on my focus by googling the person, checking his facebook, etc. ;-)

 

That's good to know Batya, I read your posts and think why can't I think so clearly and rationally about stuff! Sometimes I feel very pathetic, which upsets me because I like to think of myself as smart and a feminist and yet I let myself get sucked in by stupid men! Hehe.

 

But there is hope for me yet!

 

I have already grown so much in the past few months, and I see the difference in the ways men treat and respond to me.

 

Ammy

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Oh - well it doesn't mean I think rationally all the time, believe me! I am not a feminist and don't believe that even if I were it would make a bit of difference when it came to matters of the heart-- I have been for many years an independent person with a career, home, etc and that doesn't mean that when it comes to men, dating, relationships that I approach it as I do my career, finances, that stuff, you know?

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