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Help.. I don't understand him


maetyn

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Long story short..

 

I was with my ex for 8 years.. we were life partners (not believing in marriage but commitment.) We left our home and moved around for the past 2 years. At times it was difficult.. very difficult.. we each had our own issues to deal with. Sometimes we'd work them out together, sometimes we'd let each other have some space. At the current location, Hawaii, we take a day trip to another island to have some needed fun and he breaks up with me in the airport on the way home telling me it's been over for a long time now. (we were on one of our giving each other space moments) I had recently quit my job because it didn't allow us to have time together and just started at a non-profit organization. Due to the economy we still live together but in separate rooms (as always.)

 

The truly confusing part (if you're not already confused) is that he now volunteers at the same organization that I work at. When we ride in together sometimes he's a jerk and blows me off talking to someone else on his cell the whole ride, sometimes we just talk like "normal." With him it's hot and cold now. He'll invite me to dinner with him but ignore me every other day. He'll make rude comments but then the next day ask me how work went (he never did this in our relationship.)

 

I'm totally confused. Part of me wishes we could be back in a relationship.. depending on each other, caring for each other but still having our individulaity. But the other part (the logical part) says to move on and treat him as a roommate. I'm trying to read his signals and I've even asked bluntly but I still don't have a clear answer on what's going on.

 

Tho slight the difference in how a life-partner relation ship works and a friend/roommate relationship works is still distinct. But that line is blurred and smudged to the point that I have no idea what's going on.... ](*,)

 

Help!

 

~d~

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All you can really do is talk to him to try to understand his feelings. If he is really set on breaking up, then you have to assume you are just roommates, and make arrangements to move out on your own ASAP as living with him otherwise might be painful and confusing.

 

If he is willing to try to work on it, perhaps you could consider couples counseling to deal with whatever problems you have. But if he won't go to counseling and keeps insisting you have broken up, then your best action is to start making plans to move out and no longer depend on him.

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It really sounds like he's trying not to get too close. He obviously wants to be friends otherwise living together would be impossible, but because of your complicated and extensive past he doesn't want to give you the wrong impression of getting back together. Thus he does nice things he would do with any good friend, such as dinner or engaging in conversation, but can't seem overly interested and nice, just in case.

 

The other thing to consider is he feels he may have made a mistake and he's trying to figure out which he enjoys more; being your roommate or being your life partner. It seems clear that you both want each other in your lives. It is probably best to just come out with it, that way you can both know where each other stands, be it confused, in love, or roommates and move on, in whichever direction is best for both of you.

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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