Is no contact the only way?

[ViRA]

It has been two months now since that dreadful Saturday morning when we broke up. I'm 20 now and had been dating this girl (19 now) for two years. Everything was fantastic except for the last month and a bit. I was so totally in love with this girl and she with me, we talked about getting married one day, we spent much of our time together and even went away once or twice to her cottage for a few days. It was bliss the entire time except the last month. The last month and a bit I had a very stressful semester at school and was very busy so I didn't get to talk to her and see her as much as I did before.. She broke up with me soon after and started dating another guy five days later. It has been two months and she is still with him.

 

Unfortunately she did the worst possible things to me after our break up.. Days later she was still telling me she wanted to marry me, and weeks later she's still telling me that if she wasn't with this other guy who makes her happy she would be with me.. She can't leave somebody that makes her happy for the possibility of something with us. I honestly don't know what is going on in her mind... Why did she have to get my hopes up for a possibility of getting back together?

 

At this point in time I think she has let off a little with keeping my hopes up. I told her how much it hurts. She says she wants to be with this other guy but then she's told me that just last week she was crying to him saying she doesn't know if it is right or whatever.. So I don't know...

 

So obviously throughout the two months I've been trying to win her back.. I've cried almost everyday, I've begged her, I've promised to change anything that was wrong, and so forth.. Unfortunately it hasn't brought her back.. How could she not want to try after two years?

 

We've gotten together a few times but usually it just turns into me crying over her and talking about "us"... We've talked on the phone a few times and again the same thing.. and We've talked over the internet often.

 

She seems fine with everything compared to me, although she says that she cries and feels bad and I just don't see because she doesn't do it in front of me..

 

I've tried several times to just say we can't be friends and we can't talk but each time she gets upset and I end up caving.. But it is not her that's suffering.. She isn't the one that waits up every night for a chance to talk to her on ICQ/MSN. She's not the one always waiting by the phone, hoping that I call... She's not suffering like me... She really seems fine compared to me and that is part of the pain. How can I feel so miserable and she be happy?

 

I don't want to just give up because I do want to get back together.. I can see us together and she's never ruled out the possibility but then maybe I'm just fooling myself and making this whole process take longer.. I wish there was closure. She was my best friend and I can still see myself with her and nobody else. It seems like such a waste to just forget somebody after being with them for two years.

 

Is there anyway to get through this without saying Goodbye? Is there anyone out there who has stayed friends with somebody they loved so much and had it work?

 

I just want to feel happy again like I did and although I feel better than the first month I still am down in the dumps. When does this get easier? What is the best way?

 

Thank you for any advice. I'm glad I've found a place where you aren't alone. I'm sorry for the length.

 

 

- ViRA -

[jclaam]

Hey ViRa,

 

I understand the pain you are going through right now. I know is really painful to go through. But I don't know what to tell you to make her come back to you. All I know is that you don't deserve this. No one deserve this type of pain. I would never wish this type of pain on my worst enemies. Yes, no contact is the best way to go. I know that you really love and that you want get back together with her. No contact is the only way I really believe. Although I really don't know her at all. But I think she is just trying to string you along just in case things don't work out between her and this new guy. If she really still care /love you like she says then why she cause you so much pain and anguish. You need to immediately stop all contact with her. I know is going to be really hard. But you have to in order for an chance to get her back and the most important part is for you to heal from this experience. How long are you going to wait for her. She knows that you wait for her and that you always be there for her. So she knows that she always going to have back plan just in case thing don't work. Do you want to be someone else back plan. Maybe I sound too harsh. How long can you still take this rollercoaster ride from her. One day she would tell you that she still wants to married you. If she wants married what the hell she doing with the other guy then. If that other guy could make her happier than you can. So let it be. I really believe that you really can't never force anyone to love you or be with you. It would never work. If she is happier with that other guy, why would she want to come back to you? I know is going to be hard. I am on my 22nd day of no contact of my recent breakup with this girl although we were only dating for about four and half months. I thought this one was going to meant something. One day, she just decided that she doesn't know she wants to be with anymore and that she is thinking about going back to her ex. An ex that was really jealous and just over poessive. Why would anyone want to go back that. I just don't understand and that she keep on telling me that I am just the perfect guys for her and that is nothing she would change about me. She doesn't know what is wrong with her. I don't know either. I know that I am getting better each day of no contact with her. Yes, I still think about her from time to time. I know that she going to do what she wants to do and that I can't do anything about it.

 

You said that during the this breakup time. You have done all the crying and begging for her to come back. I have done that in my previous relationship with the girl that I thought I wanted be with for the rest of my life. Let me tell all that crying and begging doesn't work it drives them farther away from you. What would she want to come back to guy that acted so needy for them. She would want an guy that has confidence within himself and not some cry baby that she needs take care of. If she really cares / loves you. People think that if they constantly call and remind their ex about themselves so their ex won't forget them. You need to make her miss you. If she really misses you then she will call you. But you need to be strong and not fall apart the first time she calls you. You need to be able to show her that you will be okay without her. I know that is really easy to say, but is really hard to do. But you have to do it for yourself. No one is more important than yourself. You have to let her go. Take this time to heal yourself and let her figure what she wants to do. I really mean it take this time of no contact with her to really look yourself and analyze your relationship with her. You said that she started to date this other guy five days after you guys breakup. She sure moves pretty quick. Try to focus on other important things in your life like school or take on new hobby. Go out with your friends. Your friends will help you get through this. I know I make all this sound so easy. But is not, you need to ask yourself. Do I want to continue with all this pain or do I really want to do something about it. There are five billion people on this earth. I know that you find somebody else. Time heals all pain. I am not saying you and your ex won't get back together. Good luck ViRA, keep us update of things go.

 

jclaam

 

 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And The wisdom to know the difference."

[ViRA]

Thanks jclaam.

 

I am going to try my best to have as little contact as possible for the time being. Everytime I tell her that this has got to end and that we can't talk she really gets upset so I'm just going to make myself unavailable as much as possible and see how that goes..

 

I don't understand how it is so easy for her to just be friends when I just don't see how it is possible.

 

I never knew this is all so difficult and downright unbearable sometimes. You all have my sympathy.

 

 

- ViRA -

[cassyk11]

Lira,

 

I am feeling for you because I myself have recently been through the same thing with a wonderful guy I met last summer who recently got back with his ex. I felt he was the only one for me. We really bonded and got along great but then bada boom, his ex wants him back.

Did you ever stop to think since all of your other strategies (begging, crying, etc) failed you, that you could have one more strategy up your sleeve? And that my friend is the strategy of NO CONTACT. Make her miss you. Its the only way. And if it was meant to be, she'll be back. The more she thinks its over between you and that you are getting over it, she may reconsider. Give her some time to wonder about things.

Even if she gave in to your pleading and begging, would you be happy with someone who was there only to please you for the time being? Trust me, you would not be happy that way either.

Today is my 14th day of no contact with my ex so I'm not a pro yet but each day (already) I get stronger and realize that there is a great big world out there waiting to take us on.

Hang in there and be STRONG! Like I said before, it IS the only way.

Please update us with your progress! You CAN do it! Think positive thoughts and keep telling yourself that it is her LOSS! This is hard for me to do too but it seems to make me stronger when I say positive things about myself.

[ViRA]

Well I have taken everyones advice and I am on Day 6 of no contact today. So far I've been pretty strong and feeling alright 90% of the time so that is good.

 

I suppose I just worry that if I'm not around I will lose her forever since I won't be there to remind her.. But you are right, nothing else has worked so I guess there is no harm in trying this now.. It's win/win as I've read before. You might get her back, and if not then you heal from it anyway.

 

It is amazing how difficult this is. I never thought heart break would hurt so much.

 

Thank you all for your help.

 

Take care,

 

- ViRA -

[Athena]

Vira,

You hang in there. We are all routing for you and your happiness!

 

Something I am curious about is the issue of "I don't understand how it is so easy for her to just be friends when I just don't see how it is possible"

 

How is it possible for one to person to so easily and comfortably, slide into "just friends"? Have any of you ever been on that side of the coin, and could shed some light on it?

 

It was a question I struggled with for sometime, but was never able to understand. I even brough it up to my ex - I questioned his real feeling in the relationship judging how easy it was for him to be just friends.

 

-A

[ViRA]

Athena: I don't know if there is any easy answer to that. I guess if people are happy where they are it is easy to forget how it feels on the other side. People have the habit of being selfish, and only looking at things from their own prespective.

 

 

Another question to any of you...

 

Any tips on how to get through this no contact phase?

 

I'm on day 8 today and yesterday was the first really tough day. It was so hard to not leave a message or phone her up or anything like that.. I wish it would get easier

 

How can she not call or anything in a week to ask how I am or anything like that... It's so sad.

[mick8888]

Believe you me, I know exactly what you are going through. My ex-girlfriend moved out of our apt. 2 weeks ago (we lived together for 2.5 years and were together for about 3 years, until she broke up with me), and I've seen her twice, both times when she was coming by to pick up more stuff. I haven't had contact with her for about a week now, which is insane because for 3 years I don't think we went more than one day without at least speaking to each other on the phone. It's the hardest thing in the world to do -- she even called a couple times yesterday but didn't leave a message (saw it on the caller ID), and I find myself thinking, oh, she misses me (which I'm sure she does, but only because she wants to stay friends), but in reality she probably just wants to grab the rest of her stuff and see our (now my) puppy.

 

It's amazingly hard to resist the temptation to call her or be in touch, because my inclination is to think she'll forget about me, or think I'm mad at her and then she will never think about coming back. But everyone here and elsewhere says that this is the only way to go about things, that you have to have confidence that they won't forget about you so easy especially if you've spent any amount of time together. It truly messes with your mind, but there's really no other way. The wrinkle in my situation is that I know she recently met some guy online who lives in another city (far enough away where I doubt they will meet in person anytime soon, if ever), but I know she talks to him on the computer and on the phone all the time, so if she's occupied with some new person I doubt she's thinking about me very much. But what can I do? What can you do? We just have to stick to our guns, let time heal the wound, keep busy, and remember that there's a lot more to our lives than a woman who, however "perfect" they might seem to be and no matter how understandable their reasons might be, chose to break it off and not be with us anymore. It's up to us to make our lives happy -- NOT rely on someone else to make us happy.

[The Morrigan]

If the temptation is to where you think you're in danger of giving in - make an "emergency list" of things you're going to do next time you hit that point, if you do. And it can be whatever works for you, no matter how silly it sounds. The thing is coming up with things that 1) eat up some time, 2) take some focus and concentration so you're not as aware of the time, and 3) either make you feel better about yourself for the activity, or at least give a good negative to picking up the phone. Exercise is something a lot of people swear helps, me included, because it raises your adrenaline, which helps counter the mood by itself, tires you physically, so some of the frantic "edge" gets worn off - and you feel like you've done something good towards improving yourself. At the same time - you can't exercise in all situations. Be creative. Dragging myself back to my first breakup, I used everything from washing the dog, to reciting the opening of the Canterbury Tales first (which I despised) 20 times (that worked when I was tempted to drive by his house just ONCE, just to see what he was doing...), do 50 situps, wash the dog, wash your car, practice playing a musical instrument if you're into one, even sorting through your drawers for the stuff you've gotten from well meaning friends or parents you'll NEVER use or wear and donate it to charity. And take the stuff you have from your ex, box it up, and put it SOMEWHERE you don't have to look at it. Then when you're calmer, call a friend and say "I gotta get out of this HOUSE for a while man, let's go (jogging, play videogames, out for a drink, to the gym, etc)."

 

Avoid things like marking the calendar and watching the clock like the plague when you're down - save the calendar to pat yourself on the back when you're feeling stronger (you know, it's been 2 weeks and I'm actually starting to feel human again, I CAN do this!), not when you're in the mood to think "it's 5pm... 6 more hours to bed *sigh* will she call tonight?"

 

If there's any interest you didn't pursue much to spend more time with her - now's the time to get involved in it, even if you don't FEEL much like it and have to push yourself. A lot of community centers and community colleges have fairly cheap martial arts and artistic classes in the evenings - and evenings tend to be worst. Pick something that sounds interesting - and stick with it, even if you don't actively look forward to it at first, you're out of the house, and there's at least a couple evenings a week you KNOW you're not sitting home, and you'll be out doing something and socializing casually in spite of yourself.

 

And take some time to do some "nice" things for yourself. Treat yourself to a few things that give you a boost - they don't have to be expensive. Not happy with your self image? Get a new haircut, dress a little differently, detail your car, read up on something you feel ignorant or behind everyone else on. This is for you, not anyone else, so it's whatever you can think of that makes you feel like you're making steps to be your own person - and a person you like.

 

And it never hurts to come somewhere like here and be able to offer any insights that help you to others in your position - take something from the bad and make it a little more positive. Sounds corny - but it gives a little more sense of purpose to what you're going through.

 

Take care of yourself, and good luck!

[disEnchantid]

That's really good advice. I'm almost at two months of no contact and I still find myself fighting that urge to try and contact him. While I know that this would accomplish exactly nothing except aggravation for me, there is still almost that feeling of, I'm suffering, why should he be able to just get off scot-free. I find that coming to this site has been the best medicine for those urges. Recently I remembered him telling me early on in our relationship that he felt that when someone breaks up with you, the best thing for you to do is just leave them alone for four to six months, and then you can call and see if they still feel the same way. Does this mean he wants me to contact him eventually, or plans to contact me? Why do I even care? This seems so ludicrous, I doubt I will ever hear from him again, and yet I am still not able to accept that all ties have been officially cut and we will never meet or speak again. Why do we have such a hard time accepting these changes in our lives?

[ViRA]

Thank you guys.. You've all given me a boost in my fight.

 

You've all managed to pin a certain part of my situation exactly. I guess I'm just afraid that she will forget me. That to me is so sad after being with someone for two years. I know it's probably silly to think that I would just be forgotten but the thought does cross your mind. I mean I still want her back and I don't want to lose that chance... But I guess from everything I've heard, this is the best way to go about it also if you want them back.

 

Thank you for your tips, I will definitly keep a few things in my mind to get my mind off of things those odd times. I've been fine much of the time but sometimes you just get thinking and I get angry, upset, etc... I definitly know I'm not ready to speak to her again.

 

Let the suffering continue...

 

 

Thank you everyone, you guys really do help me out. This place is a god send.