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BF found a huge secret and I'm scared...


Notreadyet87

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Me and my best friend, ended up dating cousins. Both relationships (me and my bf) and her and her bf, turned pretty serious. And the problem was that me and my friend were immature. During the first two years of both of our relationships, me and her lied a lot to our guys about situations, and we just did a lot of immature things. That caused a lot of break ups, fights, etc.

 

It's been about five years now. My best friend married her bf(my man's cousin), because she got pregnant a year and a half ago, and her bf thought it was the right thing to do. Since they've gotten married, it's been dysfunctional because her bf all the sudden went from being sweet and nice to being verbally abusive, and physically abusive, and so they've been doing pretty bad as for as their marriage goes.

 

As for me and my bf, we've been doing good. I'm a senior in college (21). My bf is starting to pull his life together. And he trusts me. We've been really happy together, and talking about the future, that is until last week...

 

Basically, last week my friends husband, beat her up over something he told me about their marriage, that I went back and told her about. He had told me that he was going to divorce her after she has her baby (she was pregnant with her second baby last week--just had him two days ago) because he's in love with someone else, and blah blah. Well she is my best friend, and I already had noticed that he was becoming extremely abusive toward her. So I told her what he said--but to be honest even before I told her what he said, she had already been unhappy and was thinking about having a talk with him about where they stand as far as their marriage goes. But when I told her what he said, it was the icing on the cake.

 

She then had a talk with him about it, which led to him getting angry and beating her up because he was mad. He then was mad at me because I told her what he said and he actually threatenend to beat me up too.

 

So in his anger, and since he is my bf's cousin, he told my bf something that may have completely ruined our relationship...

 

You see, two years ago I got pregnant. And instead of telling my boyfriend, I freaked out. I told my grandma, and she told me to abort. I didn't know what to do. Around that time me and my bf were on shaky grounds, I didn't want to tell my parents, and all my friends said to abort. So I aborted, without telling him. And I only told two people, my best friend, and my current roommate.

The issue is that he always said that he did not believe in abortions, and that if a woman ever aborted his baby without telling him, that he would NO longer be with her because his mom has a history of lying and whatnot and that is not the sort of woman he wants to be with. He thinks abortion is evil as well...

 

So I kept it from him for the last two years of our relationship. Well I had no idea that my best friend told her husband that I got an abortion. But she did, and since he was angry with me for telling her what he said about her, last week he told my boyfriend that I had an abortion. I have not heard from him since.

Matter of fact I just found out that he knows today, because I was going to go over to his apartment because I was worried because his phone has been turned off and he hasn't called me, and that was when I was informed that he knew that I had had the abortion and that I should not go over to his place..

 

Now in the past, when we did break up, he would usually call me and break it off--right away. However, this time he has not called and tried to dump me YET. And from what my friend has told me, he is pissed that I did it, but he understands why I did it... But she doesn't know if he's going to break up with me or not.

 

It's been 9 days since he found about the abortion... No call. Nothing. Again, he's not one to never call a girl again, if he wants to dump me he will. But my question is, what should I do? How bad did I mess up? The fact that I have a history of lying and that I did this behind his back doesn't help me... and he loves kids, so I don't know whats going thru his head. I think he's hurt.

 

i'm trying not to panic but I'm scared...

 

Is it over?

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wow i have no idea what to say - of course he's hurt. I dont know if this can be saved, it all boils down to how he reacts/feels.

 

Im sorry but you should have told him, period. It was his baby too right? I mean Im not against abortions (you do what you want, not my business) but if you are with the person and "in love" its something you should at least talked to them about and not having them find out later on. I hope it works out but if he doesn't forgive you, I cant say I blame him

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Well everyone has repeatedly told my friend to leave. The police were involved, but she did not press charges. she got back with him on Monday, and had her second son on tuesday. Believe me we have all told her to leave him alone, but she will not...

 

I don't want to wait around to be dumped... Would it a bad idea to just go over to his place and see him? Or give him his space?

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wow i have no idea what to say - of course he's hurt. I dont know if this can be saved, it all boils down to how he reacts/feels.

 

Im sorry but you should have told him, period. It was his baby too right? I mean Im not against abortions (you do what you want, not my business) but if you are with the person and "in love" its something you should at least talked to them about and not having them find out later on. I hope it works out but if he doesn't forgive you, I cant say I blame him

Yes I realize that I should have let him know. The reason I did not was because I was only 18/19, dependent on my parents, and I knew that he would try to make me keep the baby. Also I couldn't reach him around the time that I was going to get the abortion, so since I felt pressured and scared I ended up falling into the pressure and doing it, and then regretting it later on. I could never bring myself to tell him, because I knew that it would ruin things...

I know that I was wrong and that I should have told him. I mean after I did it, for months I was depressed.

But I'm finally starting to cope with it.

I don't blame him if he dumps me either.

But from you guys perspective should I just move on since he will probably dump me?

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Yep, I think you definitely messed up and now you have to wait and see what he decides to do. He needs space and time to process this. At this point, given your history of lying I don't blame him for not being in a rush to call you..he will wonder what else you have been lying to him about. Just when he thinks that you two are finally on track, this 2 year old secret comes out of the woodwork as secrets usually do eventually come out. You have no choice but to wait.

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like everyone else said, give him space. he'll contact you sooner or later

if it comes to a month of him not contacting you, then you have your answer.

otherwise, let him be to think about what he's going to do.

if you go over to his place, you're just going to pressure him into a decision that he might not have made if he had been left alone.

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Personally, I don't think you did anything wrong by not telling your boyfriend. Some things are best kept between you or a very limited few that you feel you can trust 100% (your grandma, in this case). Don't trust "friends" with these kinds of secrets. That was your mistake. It was bad of your friend to tell her husband, but despite others' running mouths, you still need to think very carefully before you let something be known. It could come back to bite you like it's doing now.

 

Your boyfriend didn't need to know, though, and I don't think you did anything wrong by not telling him. If you wanted his support, then by all means you should have brought him into this, but you didn't want his support because you knew his opinion would inhibit you from doing what you thought was the right thing. Honestly, he sounds like he's contradicting himself and making it hard for you. He doesn't wants to know if his gf has an abortion, but he thinks abortion is evil? Either way you're damned. If you told him back then (and if he's as anti-abortion as you say he is), then he probably would have given you an ultimatum to keep the baby or else he'll leave. By no means did he seem to make it easy for a pregnant 18 year old girl.

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What if I write him a letter and stick it in his mailbox tomorrow? Is that imposing on his space, or should I just leave the situation alone.

From what my friend just told me, my bf is really hurt by the situation, so I don't know if an apology will really help or not.

I really don't want to lose him, and I don't know what to say or do to make him understand that it was a mistake I made two years ago...

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How bad did I mess up? The fact that I have a history of lying and that I did this behind his back doesn't help me... and he loves kids, so I don't know whats going thru his head. I think he's hurt.

 

Ya think?! Of course he's hurt. You had a pregnancy, of which he was the father, and a subsequent abortion, without even telling him, as though a potential child of his was none of his business. It's astonishing that you think he could be anything other than devastated. Then we add to the fact the fact that you knew perfectly well that he wouldn't want this because he'd openly said so, and the fact that you have a history of lying to him previously, and frankly I think you'll be lucky if he ever talks to you again; if it were me I certainly wouldn't. If he does, I doubt he'll trust you again for years.

 

I'm sorry, I realise that you're hurting as well right now, but it's extremely hard to be sympathetic given what you've done, and given how he was completely deceived over something that was certainly his business as well as yours. If you do by his good grace get a second chance, or whatever chance you're on now, make a pledge to yourself: be 100% honest with him from now on, in small and large things.

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Sorry, but see why you shouldn't get married over someone being pregnant? He felt trapped now he is acting out. He wants her to leave him because he probably knows he has to be extreme for that to happen. That is a very big lie to tell someone, there isn't much you can do but give him space.

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My friend and her husband are at my Bf's apt right now, her husband said I could come over... But my bf didn't call me to come over. I'm trying to measure how bad this situation is. my friend said if he wanted to dump, she think she would have a week ago when he found out, but she said that he's acting like really quiet, so I'm not sure how he's doing. I don't want to make things worse by writing him a letter or going over there... I'm not really sure what I should do. I really miss him and I know I was wrong... It;s a big mistake that happened 2 years ago.

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Victoria is right, he really needs time and space at the moment to decide what to do. My guess is that he still loves you, which is why he didn't simply end things immediately, but at the same time he simply can't bring himself to accept what you did, or find a way forward with you from that, and so at the moment he's faced with two options, neither of which are possible for him. He's literally paralysed, and will remain so until he can find a way to carry out one or the other. There's nothing you can or should do to influence it at this stage; just wait for him to make his choice, and hope that it's the one that you want.

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