Update: They text you, and when you text them back, they don't reply. Am I overreacting? :>

[blackandwhite]

It's been a while since I wrote my last post; it's here:

 

enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=240204

 

Summary We casually dated from October 2007 (once in 3-4 weeks), then I asked whether or not we were exclusive. The conversation was a bit inconlusive, yet at least he acted like we were a couple later on (later he told me it was too soon and I pressured him)... After two months I asked about "other people" in his life again, he said yes, he was casually dating other people at the time. He said he would stop seeing them, but he needed time; also, he said we didn't communicate well. After two months (LC, we didn't date) he said he hadn't had time to break his other "friendships",so I said I wanted NC. In two days' he told me he was "alone", but he didn't think we could be together in the 'near future' because of this mess; he wanted "his space". I emailed him and suggested we could meet a few weeks later but I wouldn't contact him till then.

 

When we finally met, he sent me a lot of mixed messages (and so did I, that's what he says), and this continued for a month or two (I went on vacation). Then he forgot about the date of our meeting and sometimes (but rarely) he wouldn't reply to my texts.

 

Update:

 

We are still "casually dating." The good thing is we met almost every week for the last two months - that's an improvement and that's what I once told him I wanted (we live 50 km apart). Now he always answers my texts, and he contacts me almost daily when I don't contact him (texts or IMs), but he still doesn't seem to enjoy long IM conversations . He started to send me virtual flowers, roses and kisses on IM, something he didn't do for a long time (I know, I know, actions count, not words, but anyway...).

 

But there are still problems: sometimes it takes a week of "negotiations" between us to fix a date/hour of our date; sometimes he would change the date because of a meeting with a group of friends (he does a few projects with them and meets them a few times a week both for entertainment and work; that's "his life" basically), so it seems I'm still not on the top of his priority list And, first of all, one date in one or two weeks is too little for me: I miss him after I spent one day with him, and I would readily meet him the next day, and when we don't, I feel we destroy whatever was built the day before and then we have to start once again.

 

Problem 2: There is his ex of two years in this group. She freqently calls him (about twice a day I suppose; he always answers her calls when we're together). I found a photograph of the two of them on the Internet on which she is holding her head against his chest, so I'm pretty confused now (the photograph was taken in August 2008 during the group's vacation; ok, she's his friend and she could be tired, but...). Last but not least, this ex of his visited my Facebook-like internet account about two weeks ago choosing the "visible" mode.

 

So, now I'm pretty confused again. I was told by a lot of people here (thank you!) to stop contacting him, but I like him too much to do this... I'm afraid I am becoming a bit paranoid phoning him or texting when I suppose he could be with someone else - it always turned out he was home Also, from what I have learned about him, he doesn't lie. He always is there when I want to talk to him (once he was not so happy about "I want to talk to you and now" situations, but this has changed); and he told me I can call him whenever I wanted. When I complain to him about the way we communicate/meet, he changes for a few days, but then is again busy or "forgets".

 

 

It's quite possible that he is fair to me and he does whatever he can now. I realise I can't make anyone want to talk to me more often that they wish (any ideas on this? ), so that's ok to me. His previous girlfriend broke up with him because "he had no time for her" - that's what he said - so maybe that's the way he is. The problem is, I'm not sure as to what situation I'm in, as he is "technically" still free to meet whoever he wants, and I definitely don't want to date him if he is involved with his ex-ex-ex. At the same time, I'm not willing to start any serious conversation, because this usually backfires with him.

 

Our uncertain "relationship status" is difficult to me also because I seem to sabotage every attempt of physical closeness, as I often move away when he wants to touch me or hold me (we usually meet for walks or for a drink). This is because of my issues also, but mainly because of my uncertainty in this relationship (I don't know whether I should trust him or not). Of course, he is confused by this, and everything gets complicated...

[COtuner]

Sounds to me like he wants casual dating not committed relationships at this particular time. If she's checking on you, then she is feeling insecure too, and that to me doesn't indicate he is serious about either of you.

[blackandwhite]

As far as his ex-ex-ex is concerned: she phoned him once (I think it was her, 95% sure) when we were walking in a forest. She must have asked him where he was, and he said something along the lines "on my way somewhere, as usual" and he eded the conversation somewhere in thickets 15 meters from me Then, two hours later his guy friend phoned him, probably asking the same question - and then he told him where he was and why So, I asked him: well, that's strange, two people calling you, asking the same question and you give them different answers... Why?

 

He got a bit irritated and said that he didn't feel close enough to some people to tell them everything

 

This might mean he was really irritated by her questioning him or - he doesn't want her to know we're dating (but yet she knows - so that's strange).

 

OK, enough overanalyzing

[purpleduckie]

i think you should cut your losses. this guy is sooo not interested in you or his ex'es. he just wants something casual to pass the time = not committing. i don't think he will or plans to at all.

 

 

i really really think you should just slowly get yourself off him. start dating other people to perhaps distract yourself if its too hard but you need to get away from him. he sounds manipulative, to be honest and you're falling for his trap.

[blackandwhite]

Thanks.

 

I asked him about his ex, he said they are just friends, which I believe. So it seems the real problem is not here.

 

In the same IM conversation he told me it's hard for him to imagine "daily life" with anyone, the more so he was in two "very good" relationships and even they both ended. He feels bad about being in one of these relationships for too long, and in both of them someone suffered (in the sense that being in the the relationship was tiresome for at least one of the people involved). Apart from this, he said he "doesn't engage people in his life" as every time he tried, it failed, so it seems to him he lacks the ability to create a relation that would work/last. He didn't want to say more ('I can't, It's hard to me to open up to you and talk about my emotional problems, You never open op to me this way" etc). As for our "relationship", he says he still hopes everything will somehow work itself out. After this, I told him I can think of two solutions to the situation : one is stop seeing each other and NC and the other is we might meet a couple of times and try to find out what the problems are/get to know each other better, but then I would need to know he isn't dating anyone else. He chose 2, saying he just wants everything to be "normal, almost", without conversations such as this.

 

But what we have obviously can't be normal, as he usually does not have time to see me more often than once in two weeks and he's uninterested in my life. Also, because of his tendency "not to have/invite/engage people in his life".

 

](*,)

[purpleduckie]

sounds exactly like one of my ex. he's trying to get you to settle. i did and wasted 2 years on him. time that i never got back. if he has issues, it's his to work out. you're not a charity.