createhappiness Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 spion - hard to tell what her intentions are when she's just feeding you crumbs via emails and texts... if you have any interest at all in reconciling, then i would do some LC with her, to see if you can gage what she's trying to do. if it's clear she just wants to be friends and you're not comfortable with that, then who gives a rat's ass about her and just tell her to stop contacting you! BUT, if you do want to reconcile and are afraid of getting hurt again, then really think about what it's gonna take for her to win you back. After 6 months of NC, maybe you've thought about what you're ideal woman would be? Does she fit the bill? Is she worth giving a second chance? Does she have any remorse for breaking up with you or is she just taking you for granted? I guess what I'm getting at is, make sure you feel like you're in control of this situation rather than vice versa. If she's not offering what you think you deserve, then she's just not good enough for you, plain and simple. Link to comment
waveseer Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 ready2heal, why be so crafty? I mean the way i see it, it may be just as what she's saying, face value pretty much. Goldenhill, I did respond to her last msg a few weeks back but kept it very vague and didnt respond to the question she asked If you want a relation with her than one of you will have to up the ante sooner or later. How long do you want to play games? All she's doing is not taking the next step, same as you. Link to comment
spion_kop Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 Hmm, ready2heal you have a feeling that she is playing games? If i were to respond what would be the appropriate response? Link to comment
Mayday11 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Spion_kop, you and I are pretty much in the same boat. Six months since the breakup, ex went to someone else about a month afterward (didn't leave me for him as in your case, but did go into another relationship rather quickly). Over the past month, I've been getting occasional emails from the ex, as well. They started out as rather empty emails asking about software recommendations, asking about my family and telling me about hers, etc. I would send a friendly response if a response was necessary or just leave them be if they didn't require a follow up. She started talking about the breakup and I ceased replying simply because I didn't want to tread in that territory. Recently I've been getting the "I was listening to X/watching X the other day and thought of you, I miss you!", "I feel like I've acted like a complete child since the breakup", "Would it be okay if I came to your shows?", etc. You have to just take them for what they are: friendly emails. I know it's hard not to, but don't read into them too much. Take them at face value and just have patience. If you keep the contact light and low, it'll either fizzle out or she'll begin to step things up. If she's interested in a friendship only, you don't have to tell her that's not what you want, you can show it through your actions through not giving her the benefit of a friendship. There are a million different explanations as to why she's emailing you, so it's rather pointless to hypothesis. On the plus size, it's fantastic that she's initiating contact and that you have a friendly line of communication open between you. It's certainly a step in the right direction. Link to comment
spion_kop Posted October 30, 2008 Author Share Posted October 30, 2008 I've spoken to a couple of close friends of mine. Most of em said that i should just ignore the message and forget about it. These were guys responding who said that she just wants to be in control of the situation because you were/are ever since i've stopped contacting her. A woman that i spoke to said that shes contacting me before she can never let go or forget. Not because she wants to reconcile but because she wants me to be in her life. This gender based answers are really puzzling, contrasting but similar. Link to comment
atelis Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 i think she's feeling you out. she would feel guilt etc for leaving you the way she did and perhaps now she may want to explore reconciliation. she could have aksed any one of her friends to look at her facebook profile to give her her answer, but she didn't.........she came to you because she wanted another excuse to make contact with you. Seems to me that she's just dipping her toe in the water, telling you in a subtle way that she is perhaps interested in reopening communication with the intent on leading to something. if you are interested, you need to bite the bullet and ask her out for that coffee that she suggested, otherwise, you are both wasting your time with the back and forth crap. Link to comment
pace of ace Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Spion Kop I don't have any answers for you just four words... You'll never walk alone Link to comment
Addicus Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Ask...find out what she wants why she is contacting you. So many people go through the same thing you are going through, there is a post on here everyday about this. You can let it drive you crazy. I decided not to do that, when I ex contacted me soon after to go out for a drink I asked her "in what context" meaning as friends or to figure things out. She wanted to go as friends..... I know the deal, I went, she flirted the whole night, I called her on her behaviour and after that I went NC. Other people's behaviour can drive you crazy. Sometimes they don't even know why they do the things they do the things they do but I have learned through postingo here and getting wonderful feedback that we are the ones that allow others to play games with us....so if you want to play then play but be prepared to be hurt. Or you can choose not to play and walk off the playing field. Link to comment
spion_kop Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 So i did reply back to her after a couple of days just keeping things brief and answering her questions. This is what i got back from her Hey, Thanks so much that really helps. i wonder how many jobs i applied to that actually went to searched me on facebook... Yea, im doing okay. school is taking over my life...but i guess it all worth it. im in the lab like 24/7. i live with viki, yet i hardly see her. oh, i dont know if your interested, but i randomly found this flyer about going to panama city, florida for like 300 bucks flat (no taxes) for reading week. Its not all inclusive, but its a ride there and back (by bus) and hotel. its a really good price. and i dont know if you and your friends are interested, i thought i'd let u know anyways. you may need a week off from school... the website is link removed check it out. ok thanks once again for checking my facebook! take care Puzzling... Link to comment
bepositive Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Hey, spion_kop (and GHG) Haven't been on the board in a while... I was in a similar situation with my ex, and had to bite the bullet and ask. We had friendly e-mails going back and forth, but I couldn't figure out what the deal was. So, I sent her one that said, "I miss you like crazy, X. Love, BP." Then, she went into how well things were going with the new guy, and I was a wreck all over again. But, at least I knew. My shrink thought it was a brave move. I then gave her a new NC request, sent her something I had bought for her (warned her that I was sending it), and that was it. Nothing since, but that was only a month or two ago. It's been harder lately, but probably because the holidays are coming up (along with the 1 year anniversary of me breaking up with her first...). BP Link to comment
chilledsugar Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 She is very clever. She wants you to see her fb. Now, as usual I could be wrong. From a female perspective it's just a crafty way to get you to see her. Wow she IS good... This is TOTALLY stuff I would pull when I REALLY still want a guy BAD but dont want to be direct ! Link to comment
chilledsugar Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 NO those arent just friendly emails my lord dont you guys understand women at all ? ](*,) Link to comment
chilledsugar Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 No its NOT puzzling. she is exactly like me.... Wow now i see men can be totally DAFT after abreakup.... I guess some men havent been aware I was making advances. Jeez She wants you silly ! Link to comment
Bad Wolf Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 We're not daft... it's just hard knowing what your ex means when they say stuff like that, especially if they're the ones that brokes it off. If she doesnt want to get back together and just wants to be friends and he just jumps in w/o knowing what she wants then he could get hurt all over again and that's something most people want to avoid. We need to be sure of what the other person wants before we jump in and i'm pretty sure you'd feel the same way if you were in the same situation. Link to comment
spion_kop Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 yea, for all i know she may still be with the guy that she broke up with me for. I cant be sure of anything, hence the reason i ask women and men, due to their past experiences. If i were an outsider looking in, i would see these messages as nothing but friendly emails but when you're in the situation itself you can understand why sometimes one can be hesistant. You have a past with your ex and i dont know if she has the best intentions for herself or for us. Link to comment
bepositive Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 NO those arent just friendly emails my lord dont you guys understand women at all ? ](*,) HA HA HA! If we did, we likely wouldn't be here in the first place! In retort, however, don't you understand men at all? BP Link to comment
spion_kop Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 If it were that simple to understand a woman, then things would have been solved by now. I mean for all i know she could just be trying to friendzone me and eventually talk to me about her bf if she is still with him. It's just hard to really understand her true motives and i hope ppl can give me some insight into what her last msg possibly meant Link to comment
thedude27 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Ok my opinion: She is sucking you in. Look at you analyzing these messages. (no worries, I sure as hell would be doing it too if it were me). Do you think you are going backwards a little? If so put the brakes on that. There isnt a consensus here that its more than just a friendly message. It "Could" be but one person thinks yes, the next person "no". Everyone can concur that it is at least a friendly msg..it "might" be more. Go with what you know, its a firendly msg. It doesnt really change anything. If anything it means what you were doing before is working. Treat it like its nothing more than what it is...friendly. If you dont get the "hint" and its truly a hint, she will try again and make a stronger hint. Might take a week or a month or two. I'd say keep going with the same type of contact you had before you got any of these messages. Respond, short but firendly to direct questions. Ignore statements that do not require a response (maybe throw her 1 bone every 3-5 msgs, then cut it off). Do not ask questions in an attempt to continue corrospondence. If she wants something let her come ask for it. In my opinion the first msg looked like it could be a "lets see if he will jump through a little hoop for me". You jumped(ok, low hoop no biggie), I wouldnt jump anymore until she jumps some. Just my opinion. Link to comment
thedude27 Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 NO those arent just friendly emails my lord dont you guys understand women at all ? ](*,) So somehow: "Hey, Thanks so much that really helps. i wonder how many jobs i applied to that actually went to searched me on facebook... Yea, im doing okay. school is taking over my life...but i guess it all worth it. im in the lab like 24/7. i live with viki, yet i hardly see her. oh, i dont know if your interested, but i randomly found this flyer about going to panama city, florida for like 300 bucks flat (no taxes) for reading week. Its not all inclusive, but its a ride there and back (by bus) and hotel. its a really good price. and i dont know if you and your friends are interested, i thought i'd let u know anyways. you may need a week off from school... the website is link removed check it out. ok thanks once again for checking my facebook! take care " means "I miss you" in womanese? Oddly enough, us dumb men would just opt for "I miss you"...I guess its like one of those foreign movies where the character speaks for like 20 minutes and the subtitle says "Yes." Link to comment
spion_kop Posted November 9, 2008 Author Share Posted November 9, 2008 Today has been a good day and i just got home from meeting up a couple of friends. On the way home, it happened. I had those old emotions i felt when the actual breakup occurred resurface but not in it's intensity. I just realized that I really do love her even though it's been 8 months + where the majority of the time 7+ months have been NC. I dont know. It's not like i'm back to square 1 but i dont know how to explain it. I looked back and realized how quickly time has flown since the breakup. Man do i ever miss her right now bah, oh well, maybe sleep will help Link to comment
GoldenHillGuy Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Mr. Kop, Are you going to contact her? Link to comment
createhappiness Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 I agree 100%. spion, it seems you are afraid of getting hurt again, so keep protecting your heart until she gives you a clearer message as to what her intentions are. Has she asked you if you were seeing anyone? Are you willing to ask her if she is? Maybe that might open up talks about your relationship w/ her.... just a thought Link to comment
spion_kop Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 GHG, I dont think i'm gonna contact her. Not anytime soon at least. Like i mentioned above, i've had a re-emergence of my old feelings which i really cant explain. It's not like im stuck in bed but meh. CH, I'm trying to protect my heart because now isnt the time (nov and december) for any relationship talk. I guess it was just one of those days you have, every once in a while. I've just felt this sudden but brief connection with her. I know my story is similar with other mentioned on this site and i agree. It's not like i have false hope. I cant help but feel that the connection is still there. Maybe I am dellusional ha Link to comment
spion_kop Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 So i finally unblocked my ex on msn and wrote her started up a light convo. She was surprised to hear from me. I asked her how things were and we kept things up. She asked if she could meet me but i kept changing the topic or joked at it. She asked why im talking to her now and i told her to take a guess. She said she knew the answer and i asked her what it was. She said it was because i was over her and i said that was the reason. She went quiet for a bit and then i asked her what was wrong. She said nothing but i knew better. I told her that she should be happy about it but her reply was "I dont know." She asked me if i was seeing anybody but i was honest. I said i wasnt seeing anyone but i did have some flings. As the convo extended she mentioned that she is still with her bf after initially breaking it off with him. I wasnt hurt by it surprisingly!! She said it was great talking to me and that now we can actually be friends. I said that for obvious reasons we cant and it's best that we dont put a label to it. I still do love and care for her but i think that i'm over her. I was really satisfied. I wont get back together with her but this was something that i really wanted and i got it. Im just a bit confused bout her response about her saying i dont know. But i wont dwell into it too much since i got a lot off my chest Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 It sounds like she may not be as over you as you are over her. Being in a relationship or dating doesn't necessarily mean her feelings for you are settled. Link to comment
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