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Question about contact from ex


spion_kop

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I dont most here much often but here's a jist of my story. My ex and i of 3 years broke up in april. It's been about 6 months+ since i've been doing NC. She left me for another guy

 

Throughout these past months, she's been contacting me but i dont know if it's best for me and for what i want. The thing that still makes me go "hmm" is even after 6 months she still contacts me by sending me a text here and there. The last one to which i sent a vague response.

 

I'd like to hear opinions from both sexes as to the possible reasons for her contacting me. To friendzone me? To open up a way to reconcile? Or to ease her guilt for doing what she did to me

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she left you for another guy - now she either feels guilty or her relationship with the other guy sucked balls and is testing to see if you are still available and are interested.

 

if you dont like it, send a pic of your "boys" - that will drive her away.

 

personally - if a girl left me for another guy, then is texting me - id tell her to fck off - straight up.

 

I dont most here much often but here's a jist of my story. My ex and i of 3 years broke up in april. It's been about 6 months+ since i've been doing NC. She left me for another guy

 

Throughout these past months, she's been contacting me but i dont know if it's best for me and for what i want. The thing that still makes me go "hmm" is even after 6 months she still contacts me by sending me a text here and there. The last one to which i sent a vague response.

 

I'd like to hear opinions from both sexes as to the possible reasons for her contacting me. To friendzone me? To open up a way to reconcile? Or to ease her guilt for doing what she did to me

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I know it doesn't really answer your question. But the most important thing I've learned about contact with an ex is texts and emails are cheap. Words are easy to say. Its easy to read into that communication and keep the hope alive. But what is hard, and better for you in the long run, is looking at the ACTIONS. Has she broken up with the new guy? Has she asked for forgiveness? Does she say she wants to get back with you explictly? Its tough. But now that I've stopped reading into what my ex was saying, now I can see her silence for the last month says everything. She's just not interested in anything more than a casual friend.

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After the phase where i grieved right after the break up, i've not taken an interest in her life. I've not asked around about her and when people tell me what she is up to, i let them know that i'm not interested.

 

I hear you GHG where actions are greater than one's intentions because it's physical and there for everyone to see. The question i have is that what if i've built my walls so high that i may be throwing away the possibility of a reconciliation.

 

So far over the 6 months, i've come a long, LONG way. There's something in the air that's made my life enjoyable, relaxed and focused. I'm also in the best shape of my life.

 

As for my relationship status, it's a coinflip. It doesnt matter if we do or dont reconcile or if i do find someone else. I'm more liberal about it since right now i've got other things on my plate and having a relationship may be difficult.

 

it was just one of those questions where i needed to get off my chest and some sort of answer whether right or not.

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I personally think that if you've told her at any point you would like to work on a relationship with her, and reconcile, then she should take your word for it, and if she's interested, she'll climb your walls.

 

Now, I made it perfectly clear to my ex what my intentions where. I thought we had something going down the path of reconciliation, but it seemed a bit one sided. I backed off, and let her reach out. Guess what, she's nowhere to be found. So, I'm starting to see the relationship for what its worth and not reading into things.

 

Remembering your thread about where she texted you some pretty nasty stuff, your NC may have freaked her out a bit at this point. She may be wondering what's going on with you. Her purpose? Who knows. Maybe its up to you to find out what she wants if you are inclined.

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Yea she did freak out now that i think of it. She was possibly surprised to see me moving on. She is use to getting things her way. She said i wouldnt last a week when i first started NC. I actually told her that after what she did to me that I wouldnt want to reconcile with her ever because the trust and respect was gone. I also said that I could be around her since she brought so much negativity in my life.

 

I mentioned in my other thread about my brother getting married in another country because we have a lot of family back home so him and his fiancee decided to do it there. My ex is also going at around the same time to visit her family but this was totally coincidental as we didnt plan it.

Well she msged at the beginning of this month wondering if i was going and that was the first time i replied saying yes im going.

I dont know what her intentions are/were but my guard is staying up. I'm not the person who she use to know and that's one of the plus points about the breakup. It really has matured me into a confident individual.

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What i want is clarity not closure. I already have closure. My biggest problem is that i overanalyze anything. Not just from my relationship but anything in general that doesnt have a conclusive answer. So what i want is either a 'yea i was thinking about u and etc etc' or 'nah our lives go our separate ways' and if the latter, then go NC from her side so that i dont get any mixed messages.

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I overanalyze too. That's why I'm having such a hard time with the situation with my ex. I'm constantly thinking she's over me or dating others. It sucks.

 

Clarity would be nice. But don't you think you can get clarity by looking at her actions? I mean, if she keeps contacting you and gets more and more nervous with her communication, it could mean something. If she just gives up, then she really doesn't care. I dunno, thinking out loud.

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Not sure what to think..... you've read my thread about my ex emailing me periodically. He was trying to stay in touch with me but waiting for me to give some sign that I was open to talking. When I left the door open, he asked for coffee together. When I was acting like nothing happened between us and my life was great, he wanted more, and suddenly he wants to try to get back together.

 

So I don't know. My ex never explicitly asked, just thought he was dropping hints, although they were apparently engineered to be so subtle that I wouldn't know. Because I had no friggin' clue that he wanted me back until the words came out of his mouth all of a sudden. It was like he wanted me to lead him to it because he didn't have the guts to admit he made a mistake.

 

I don't know if I'm hearing the same thing from what you describe, spion? Or is that similar to how your ex behaves as well?

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It could mean something but how do i know that? For all i know she could still be with her bf. After all he did try really hard to get her and succeeded and i'm sure he wont leave her without a fight lool.

 

I dont know what her motives are but it would be easier if knew what it was.

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I dont know what her motives are but it would be easier if knew what it was.

 

Quote of the century for all of us trying to figure out what any of the contact or lack thereof means. I guess I'm just tired of trying to figure it all out. I put my pride out there once, and got shot down. If she wants something, she needs to do the same. And I'll bet almost everyone in GBT feels the same about their own situation.

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Hmm it's quite interesting. I think of my ex every now and then but I'm strong with my NC knowing that any form of communication may be misleading. Then i think about would i really want to go back to square one?

I have more of an aversion attribution than an appetitive attribution where I'd rather minimize the costs than try to aim for the rewards.

 

COtuner, my ex randomly msged me one day(a few months into NC) asking me if i would like to have coffee with her (we've never had coffee together even while we were dating) because she was in my neighborhood. I didnt reply to the msg because i didnt know what it meant.

I'm thinking that 'what if possibly she is thinking of me constantly and waiting for me to respond or make a concrete effort to try and get in touch with her'

 

I remember Superdave posting a thread about signs signs signs lool and lately I've been getting a lot of subtle signs. Ahh the agony

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Only she knows Wish there was some way to help but it's a gamble on your part whichever way you look at it. Contact, no contact, no guarantees you are making a choice that will in any way affect her. You can only decide what will affect you.

 

I took a risk but I was prepared to live with the consequences (although it could be painful and lead to remorse, I didn't want regrets).

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My gut is saying "be patient old man." I think that it wasnt the right time in our lives to carry a long term relationship since we both need to explore life a lot more. If anything, we need to expand more separately before we can expand together. That doesnt mean that i have false hope but more so as 'come what may.'

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here is a slight update.

I've been seeing a lot of weird things lately. I know people talk about signs and how you only make sense out of what you want to see. Well for the past couple of days i've been seeing signs of things that remind me of her through random events.

Examples are in my readings where I see her names, travel agency AND destination as to where we were suppose to go on our vacation

Just little things that seem so random. To make things more interesting and weird, I got a private fb message from her saying

 

Hey SK, I need your help

 

How are you? Hope all is well, and school isn't too stressful.

 

I have a quick question that I need your help in. I went for this job/interview seminar a few days ago, and they said when applying for jobs, employers usually look up the person they are hiring on several social utilities. (ie. Facebook, msn my space etc.) before hiring them. And since I don't have you on facebook, I just wanted to know if my stuff is visible to you? If you could please go to my profile and see if you can see anything. It could be pictures, quotes, my wall, anything at all. I need to know this before applying to any jobs.

 

If you don't feel like doing this, then just disregard this. However, it would be really helpful to me.

 

Thanks in Advance!

 

Ps- this could be helpful to you as well. Employers actually DO look you up before they hire you.

 

Take care.

 

 

Very generic message, I'm on the fence on this one. I'm not reading too much into it but then again i have some doubts. I've been over her for the most part where I'm focusing on my life and all the aspects in it. Of course i think about her from time to time but it isnt consistent as to what it use to be in the past.

 

Any opinions and/or advice would be highly appreciated.

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Not sure what to think..... you've read my thread about my ex emailing me periodically. He was trying to stay in touch with me but waiting for me to give some sign that I was open to talking. When I left the door open, he asked for coffee together. When I was acting like nothing happened between us and my life was great, he wanted more, and suddenly he wants to try to get back together.

 

So I don't know. My ex never explicitly asked, just thought he was dropping hints, although they were apparently engineered to be so subtle that I wouldn't know. Because I had no friggin' clue that he wanted me back until the words came out of his mouth all of a sudden. It was like he wanted me to lead him to it because he didn't have the guts to admit he made a mistake.

 

yeah, i think a lot of the time, reconciliation works this way. the dumper wants to test the waters during LC, because they may be unsure too, and their decision to reconcile is based on your reactions to them as they slowly try to get closer to you again. it makes a lot of sense, rather than just appearing out of the blue making this ground announcement that they want you back after you have been in NC with them.

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createhappiness, the msgs she's been sending me vary from the breakup up to now. Initially it was about why i didnt answer her and how i could be so disrespectful to her and our 3 years that we'd spent together. She said she hated me and didnt wish me the best in the world etc etc. PRetty much a very hate filled message. She also texted me before this about wanting to talk to me beause her bf and her got into a fight and she wantd to talk to me for comfort. But as usual I've been STRICT NC for a good 6 months because my healing was important to me.

She later apologized for that. This happened multiple times

 

But for the last 2 months the tone of her messages has changed. The first of which involved how my last year of uni was going, how my parents and other aspects of my life were going.

Then she asked if i was still travelling to india for my brother's wedding as initially i wasnt planning on attending.

And now she sends me this.

 

I know i may be reading too much into it or maybe i'm not reading enough!

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