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I feel an incredible amount of guilt for not being able to be friends with an ex.


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In mid August my ex and I of nearly two years broke up. I broke off with her initially (though I thought she was going to break up with me first), but then tried to reconcile and was rejected, prompting me in early September to tell her in a text message "please don't talk to me ever again" and when she texted me again about something trivial I said to her "I asked you not to talk to me please respect that." A month and 8 days of pure NC later (and exactly one week ago today) she sends an e-mail to my work e-mail account saying simply "hey, how are you?"

 

I have not responded to the e-mail and will not respond. But I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and weakness at not being able to be friends with her. I don't know if I ever will be able to. When I look at the forum here I see a lot of you are able to be friends with an ex, and that's great for you guys, but for me... I just feel so weak and shallow for not being able to do it. I don't know how I would handle it when the day comes (and it may have already came knowing the speed in which she moves) that she is in a relationship with someone else while I still am in love. I almost got through this and then after asking for her not to talk to me ever again and then asking for respect for that - because I get contacted. I feel an overwhelming amount of pain because because I'm unsure of her intentions. But I'm going to just assume the likely route - either guilt or wanting to be friends or both. I'm not able to be friends with my ex. I want her romantically (actually my logical thinking head doesn't, my emotional illogical heart does - head vs. heart and this week heart is winning and my head was winning before this e-mail). I also feel disrespected because I asked for no contact. I'm so mad at her for setting me back like this. I don't want her to know how much pain I'm in. I cannot be friends with her, it would hurt me too much. I feel so guilty and weak.

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Not everyone is friends with their ex. I broke up with an ex 5 years ago, he tried to contact me regularly for the first few months but I never wanted to talk or see him again and I never attempted. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Why put yourself through the extra pain if speaking with them would cause you distress? If people can handle being friends after breaking up that's great for them but it's not a rule. It really hasn't been that long since you guys broke up.

 

If you want to maintain NC, don't respond to any of her attempts to contact you & if she tries to get to you through your friends & family, tell them they don't need to talk to her if they don't want, & you don't want them to tell you what she's saying or has been up to or vice versa. Eventually she'll give up. You just need time to get through it. If you don't have any contact with her, you won't know if she's dating anyone or not. Save yourself the pain of knowing!

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my first ex dumped me, then told me "lets be friends". Pretty selfish of her for not giving me the time to heal. As you can imagine, things ended on a very bad note (after being dumped) - and as a result I had many people who hated me.

 

What you are doing is probably right - although I dont know the details of your relationship with her. IF you feel uncomfortable, then by all means, stick to your decision and dont feel guilty - you can reply to her email and tell her that this is what you feel, and that you need time to heal and tell her that you cant be friends with her after being involved romantically with her.

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*hug*

 

you can't worry about her feelings right now. you need to deal with yours. only you can deal with yours. maybe when you feel better about the break up and about yourself, you can be a good friend to her. until then... you're just going to be miserable and feel like you're failing both of you.

 

i'm in this position now and i know it hurts. i got a double cheese pizza and i'm going to avoid all contact where i may run into my ex this weekend. i'm going to work on me and figure out what i want. maybe he will be part of the picture later, but i doubt it. i think it is too much and in honesty, i'm not all that sure he's such a great friend!

 

good luck to you in what you decide to do.

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WadeCure -

 

Don't feel guilty about your inability to being friends with your ex. Most people can't and that is very natural and okay. This article from Getting Past Your Past is the best one I have read on being friends with an ex. I believe that reading it will give you some peace:

 

link removed

 

LFG

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I felt the same as you for awhile. My ex wanted us to be friends, for things to be like how they used to be 'when times were good.' We would only talk over email, and I realized, that things couldn't be the way they used to be because too much had happened. Too many things had been said between us, for things to be the same. So, I told him that I needed to cut contact for awhile.

 

Don't feel bad, sometimes we just can't be friends with our ex because we still have feelings for them, or just too much crap had happened.

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  • 2 weeks later...

When a person contacts someone after being asked not to, it's because they want to have some control over a situation they have no control over. Your decision to not talk to your ex, and subsequent decision to tell her you want no contact, took control away from her.

 

As a female who's played this game before, I know that the minute you reply she will give someone close-by a high-five, call you a sucker, and start playing with you. If you are not ready to be friends with her, do not reply to her "friendly" inquiry as to how you are doing.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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