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Emotional infidelity early on in dating - opinions


icarus27
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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First of all, I'm in Europe where the trend of dating multiple people until you are exclusive with one - isn't all that widespread. Specially if you've dated and known someone months - it's assumed there're no other 'players in the field'.

 

I guess I'm thinking over the situation that just happened in my life.

 

Woman I got to know from the online dating scene, we're the same age 29/30, we meet, she goes abroad for 5 weeks, we grow closer over texts, emails and phone calls. She started to give me some really big compliments - like she had never known someone like me, I was the first man with whom she could really be herself, I had overturned her preconceptions about relationships in a big way, and from her texts she made no secret of the fact that she thought about me morning, noon and night. This was a gradual process, and as I was beginning to let her in more and more, I had feelings for her too.

 

On her return, we meet, but she immediately breaks it off saying she's unsure of her feelings. Months later, she gets round to confessing that at about the time she broke off things with me, she was getting to know another man who -- and get this -- in the 2-3 weeks after finishing with me, she fell in love with.

 

Does anyone else find this hard to believe? That she would have the deep feelings for me that she said she did, developed over the 3-4 months since we first talked - and suddenly meet someone new and claim to be in love in a few weeks?

 

I can't claim to call this infidelity with a big 'I'. We were dating, not in a full-fledged relationship - but the thing is, we knew we were headed that way. For her to involve herself with someone else, as a back-up man, who then switched and became the lead actor - smacks of emotional infidelity.

 

I also have a gut feeling that rebounding from me made her think this man is worth more than he is. For a woman who always said she has never loved easily in the last 6-7 years, to suddenly go to the other extreme and claim 'love' in a few weeks .... again something doesn't add up here.

 

Interested to hear from others who've been on the receiving end of emotional infidelity .... it makes not much difference now, as my story's over ... but would like to hear someone else's ..

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She sounds like she falls in love easily...Its probably for the better that she left as someone like that has a high possibility to cheat as soon as the next guy comes along that makes her feel good.

 

I hate chicks that like...I wouldn't call it emotional cheating as you guys weren't dating...But its definitely vile.

 

Ive had an experience like that. This girl about 4 years old than me contacted me thru myspace mail and was telling me how cute I was...Making all these compliments about me. We meet and things seemed great...We made out near the lake near my house and spent the whole day together. We talked a lot online before this. And we continued to call eachother and text and talk online after. I was sort of fooling around with some other chick at the time and she'd get really jealous and say don't hangout with this other girl because she had feelings for me. I did and when we met again I go to kiss her and she turns away and I ask why and she says she has a boyfriend...Im like ooohhhh really? Im still such a sucker for older women.

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That was a pretty crappy thing of her to do. Using people as monkey bars.. get a good hold on the next before completely letting go of the last.

 

At least you aren't that guy.. he's with a woman who does that & doesn't even know it.

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She sounds like a flake to be honest. I had to do a double take on her age that you mentioned (29-30) since this kind of thing is far more consistent with women in their early 20s.

Hard to believe? - not really, it's happened to me before, but chaulked it up to her emotional immaturity....but then again she was younger too. One would hope that by late 20s, early 30s they would have figured things out. (btw it's not just women who are like this I'm sure)

 

Sorry it didn't work out.

 

ps: awesome avatar name though

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Unfortunately this is all too common. Someone relatively early in a relationship (usually, though it happens at later stages too in some cases) keeping their options open with other guys. There's not always an explicit intention to cheat behind it, more of an inability to give up the safety net and attention they get from having other guys in the frame in case the relationship isn't what they want. Of course, that very fact undermines the relationship, but this reality seems to pass them by.

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She sounds like a flake to be honest. I had to do a double take on her age that you mentioned (29-30) since this kind of thing is far more consistent with women in their early 20s.

Hard to believe? - not really, it's happened to me before, but chaulked it up to her emotional immaturity....but then again she was younger too. One would hope that by late 20s, early 30s they would have figured things out. (btw it's not just women who are like this I'm sure)

 

You know, one of the early red flags was when she said (more than once) that even at 29 she feels like she's a Peter Pan character who's never grown up. Couple that with her own admission that for a long time in her life she's been a commitmentphobe and acted like a "a runaway bride" on more than one occasion with men in her life.

 

So what you say about emotional immaturity is completely right.

 

In the aftermath, I keep wanting to tell myself that whichever guy she is with is by no means lucky. He has a person who is a mess on his hands. But it is somehow still not much solace to me.

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I went through this same thing--well almost. I have seen it happen a lot more, the older I get. Some people are just very selfish and have no problem being deceitful and manipulating your feelings with no mercy-for their own happiness. Some people have no problem "hedging their bets" when dating and will say anything to string you along until they selfishly figure out what and who they want.

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Do I have it right that you just met once in person and had one date? It is telling that you refer to the "online dating scene" - how about instead seeing it as just another way to meet someone in person to see if you should date - calling it a "scene" makes it seem like you thought that the typing and talking were akin to dating her in real life.

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