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relationship problems again


gracerules2008

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Well I'm having relationship problems again. This time she wants it over for good. We had an issue about my past that she wasn't sure she could get over.

 

I admit that what I did was pretty heinous. I won't mention what it is because it's not something that I'm proud of. There's no telling how much hurt I've caused the person that I did this to.

 

But to put the icing on the cake I did something stupid and childish and I was not sensitive to the fact that she needed time to think things over as to whether she could trust me in the future.

 

I screwed up our relationship and I'm very sad. I don't know how I'm going to live with myself but I must go on living. What choice do I have really? It will never be the same without her. I don't think I can ever enjoy life to the fullest without her.

 

I didn't treat my girlfriend well at all. She did put up with all my childish antics for a long time. I was kidding myself to think that she was going to condone it indefinitely. We are/were in a LDR. I wanted to see her around christmas again.

 

I'll never forget my girlfriend telling me over the phone one night that I need to find something in life worth fighting for. Well I finally have. She is worth fighting for. I want to take the steps necessary to have a mature and civil relationship with her. The drama and games have gotten old.

 

My heart is breaking over the prospect of never hearing or seeing her again but I deserve it. I put myself in this hell hole. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do.

 

Well tomorrow is another day. Life feels so empty now. I am thankful for the great times we did share together for the 9 months that we were together. It was a bumpy ride. I'd give anything to hold her in my arms right now and tell her I'm sorry for acting like a childish jerk all this time.

 

Something has got to change on my end. I really saw and still see potential for the two of us to have a great life together. Today for the first time I've opened up my mind to the possibility of getting legally married in the future if it's with her.

 

I still feel like she's my soul-mate. If not her then who? I don't have eyes for anyone else. There is a part of me that regrets going all the way with her in sexual intimacy during our last visit together. But then again it's a good thing we didn't go all the way. These things should happen slowly. But I can see myself making love to her eventually.

 

Time for me to go listen to some sad music.

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Another thing I've been thinking about is this: I reap what I sow in life. If I sow bad deeds then sooner or later it will come back to me. It's not that God is behind it. It's just I believe life has a way of evening things out.

 

The same is also true when I sow good seed it comes back eventually. There's many things to learn from this experience.

 

1. To handle conflict maturely. That is to sit down and discuss things in a rational manner instead of childishly hanging up the phone or other things.

 

2. To honestly voice my opinion in a respectful way when I feel offended. This is easier said than done. This is going to take practice on my part.

 

3. To listen attentively to my girlfriend. Communication is a must. Not just a good speaker but a good listener. No wonder God gave us 2 ears and one mouth. Do twice as much listening as speaking. I didn't listen well to my girlfriend at all!

 

4. Put her needs first. Make her laugh. Joke with her. Don't be so serious all the time.

 

I'm writing this stuff down for my own reference. I am too uptight and I want to loosen up for a change. I need to for my benefit as well as the benefit of others around me. Here I am preaching about the grace of God and I have shown very little grace to my neighbors! How hypocritical of me!

 

There's no telling how many people I've turned off with my gospel preaching while I'm not manifesting the grace of God in my own life! I've been a bad example. It is true that the world doesn't care what I know until they know that I care.

 

Unfortunately some decisions in life have permanent reprecussions. If I try to commit suicide by jumping off a 100 story building I'm going to splat on the ground regardless of how remorseful I was for taking that leap. Certain decisions in life will sadly follow me for a long time if not for a lifetime.

 

In the same way it may be too late for my relationship. It's sad but life must go on. I must learn to live with the possibility that I let my soul-mate get away. More importantly I need to be true to myself and find something productive to do with my life that will make a positive difference in society. It's never too late to start now. It is going to be a long process for me but I must start from scratch.

 

My girlfriend absolutely deserves much better than what I've had to offer her over the last 9 months.

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The pain I'm feeling right now is much worse than the pain I felt from my ex of 4 years breaking up with me. It's a gnawing feeling in my stomach & chest. I feel so paralyzed. Forgive me if I am repetitive with some of my statements. My purpose for writing is so I can at least ease a little bit of the pain I'm feeling. I feel better temporarily.

 

I'm glad that internet forums like ENA have a journals section where I can post without receiving replies. I get some temporary relief writing my thoughts down.

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I don't want my life to just rust out. I want to make it count for something. A life of all work and no play will burn me out. A life of all play and no work will rust me out. There needs to be a fine balance in order for my life to count for something worthwhile.

 

Some people can motivate themselves to progress in life. Others need some other type of motivation. My motivation is my LDR girlfriend. The ends do justify the means. Any means necessary to make my life count for something is ok. I would rather grow old with her than grow old without her.

 

Enough is enough. I'm ready to be a man and start pulling my weight in this relationship. She has given me so much and I gave so little in return. I took her for granted. I wish I could turn back the clock and give more of myself. She gave me so much and I took it for granted.

 

Today has been a very sad day for me. I'm going to try to go to sleep soon. I'm ready to make a 180 degree turn around in my life. I've been so used to talking to her everyday and every night on the phone. Her absense has given me a rude awakening as to just how much I really do love her and how she means the world to me!

 

I had a good time with her ever since we met in January. We've been through a lot of rough patches in our relationship. She will never forgive me for the stuff I've put her through. I feel so lost without her!

 

At this point I have no control over her feelings for me. There's nothing I can do if she's set in her ways to never be with me again. So with that said the only hope I have left is that over time I will get used to living without her. It seems impossible now. It will never be the same.

 

She is the greatest love of my life and I pushed her away. Now I'm going to be like one of my uncles who let his soul-mate get away. He has to live with the regret for the rest of his life of letting the right girl get away in his youth.

 

Yes I had a good thing and I let it get away from me. I regret not making love to her. I regret not making the effort to take the relationship further. It's too late now. I'm willing to do anything for that girl at this point!

 

Do I want her back? More than anything else in this world!! I just want one more chance to get it right!

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So she and I finally had a long talk over the phone last night. I called her house and her friend's phone then she called me back. I think we're back together. I don't know. I think I'm on probation but that is ok. Someone in my position needs to be put on probation and show evidence of repentance.

 

So in a nutshell we agreed that I have much work to do on our relationship. Now there are other problems besides the long distance that need to be addressed. So right now thoughts of moving closer together are put on the back burner until we resolve other non-related issues.

 

Otherwise moving in together would be putting the cart before the horse. First things first. If we can resolve the issue about my past and if we get along better then I'm sure we can talk about living together. But as I said I still plan to meet up with her again sometime after christmas day and before new years.

 

So it's time for me to get to work on this relationship.

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