Jump to content

Lost, confused, frustrated. Dont know what to do.


winchester3

Recommended Posts

I'm 19 and shes 18 we've been together for just about 2 years, first serious relationship for both of us. Neither of us have had sex. Early in the relationship we let it known to eachother that with regards to sex neither of us planned on waiting for marrage, just the right person. A person that meant so much to you that you just know he/she is the one peron you want to give your first time to. Thats the way we both viewed sex.

 

She was never all that comfortable talking about sex even with fooling around i would be the one to initiate. Time passed, she became more comfortable with it and she would get the ball rolling in bed. Things are going good, i feel that she's the one. This is the girl i want to share my first time with. I value my chastity and i gave it a lot of thought and felt emotionaly ready to share it with her. She would tell me about how she was discussing birth control with her mom, her doctor, researching it and what not. Leading me to believe that she also wanted to share her first time with me, and was prepared to do it smartly, safely.

 

Two weeks ago she brings up the topic of sex and says she wants to waite for marrage, not married to anyone specific, just married (not that theres anything wrong with that). But after leading me to believe that i meant enough to her, that i was special enough that she wanted to share her first time with me, and then no she doesnt want to. Hearing that made me feel like siht It made me feel like i did something wrong. It was like driving along in a car and smashing straight into wall that you dont see coming. I feel angry, upset, guilty, frustrated, confused, I'm not one to cry but hearing that broke my heart, i almost feel a little betrayed. Stuff that i've never felt all at once.

 

We where out for a walk when she brought this up. I love this woman i didnt want to make her feel upset or anything so i hesitated to tell her how that makes me feel. Before the walk was over i briefly told her how it makes me feel. Lets say my feelings about this are like an iceburg. I told her about the top fourth and left it at that (the tears are near the middle-bottom of the iceberg she hasnt seen that part yet). Clearly her intentions where not to hurt my feelings, so he explained to me her reasoning behind her decision. She was afraid that if she gave her self to me and then we broke up that she wouldn't be able to handle it that she would shatter into a thousand pieces. Which is understandable, i know the exact feeling. I'm feeling it now.

 

I've thought about what she said and i still feel like siht, almost as bad as the first night. The only way i want to make love with this woman is if she wants the same with me. The thing is she did say to me that she wanted to, but was afraid of the hurt if we broke up. I dont know what to do. This sucks, it hurts i want to tell her how i feel but i'm afraid. I'm afraid that me telling her how i feel will make her feel like shes obligated to have sex with me, thats not what i want at all. I want to make love WITH her, not to her. I dont know what to do.

 

I'd apreciate all constructive advice and comments. Thanks

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I still feel pretty depressed about this whole thing. I should keep my feelings to my self and only tell her about how i feel about her when she's good and ready?

 

When she says she's afraid of breaking up after we have sex, to me that says she does not trust me. That she doesnt have faith in me. Me wanting to be with her on that sexual level, does that not show that i do want to be with her? That i dont have any intensions of breaking up with her or breaking her heart. I dont know... and i wont know unless we talk about it. I dont think droping the topic will do much good for our relationship. What if she just needs to hear it from me that this is how i feel about her for her to have complet trust in me. What if she's waiting for me take the inititive

 

On the other hand lets say i wait for her to come around, how long do i have to wait, 6 months, a few years? I dont know if i can waite that long. Even if i do waite i still dont know that it's going to happen. I just dont know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've just got to search yourself for which is greater, your love for her or your need for sex. There are four things that people do in situations like these:

 

1. Accept their parnter's wishes and wait.

 

2. Accept their partner's wishes, fell it's incompatible and break up.

 

3. Don't respect their partner's wishes and try to force the issue.

 

4. Find sex elsewhere in the meantime.

 

The last two aren't options any decent human being would consider, so I guess that leaves you with the original dilemma - love or sex?

 

Keep in mind that giving up on her doesn't guarantee you sex with someone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1. Accept their parnter's wishes and wait.

 

2. Accept their partner's wishes, fell it's incompatible and break up.

 

3. Don't respect their partner's wishes and try to force the issue.

 

4. Find sex elsewhere in the meantime.

 

The last two aren't options any decent human being would consider, so I guess that leaves you with the original dilemma - love or sex?

 

 

Is it too much to ask for love and sex? In a commited relationship in Love with eachother, i dont see anything wrong with making Love to eachother. If i just wanted sex i wouldn't have waited this long, i would have started relationships ago.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think there is a larger issue here. She is afraid the relationship will fail and she will be left without her viginity intact.

 

Maybe you should ask her what's going on with that, why she is feeling insecure.

 

When people go to university they change, their views on almost everything may change, their personality, style and beliefs may change. They could come out completely different people. She told me that when she goes away to university next year shes worried about how i'll think of her if/when she changes. I'm thinking we need to discuss the future of our relationship.

 

I put everything out in the open for her emotions and all. I feel almost like i jumped in a pool with her then last second she pulls out and waites by the pool chairs, making up her mind to jump in or not. I'm not a good swimmer, i cant tread water forever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is it too much to ask for love and sex? In a commited relationship in Love with eachother, i dont see anything wrong with making Love to eachother. If i just wanted sex i wouldn't have waited this long, i would have started relationships ago.

 

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting sex and love, you just have to be willing to wait if she feels she's not ready.

 

It's not unreasonable to want to make love to her, but it would be unreasonable to try to until she felt she was entirely ready.

 

You're right, progressing to that level of intimacy can have a profound effect on the relationship in bringing two people closer, however that can only occur when both people are ready to make love.

 

I feel for you, I really do, but I've come close before with a girl who I had a feeling wasn't ready, even though she said she was, and that was hard enough. If we had've gone through with it she would have been incredibly upset after, and probably wouldn't still be my friend.

 

So, to recap: It's fine to want to take that next step, but you can't until she feels she is ready, and that's something you can't force.

 

Yes, you can probably convince her she's ready if you're good at manipulation, but that would be a complete betrayal - you'd get a little sex and leave her with a lot of hurt, and you sound like a good guy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think there is a larger issue here. She is afraid the relationship will fail and she will be left without her viginity intact.

 

Maybe you should ask her what's going on with that, why she is feeling insecure.

 

I think I'm gonna have to disagree a little (my bad).

 

There's nothing particularly insecure about it, most teen relationships fail before marriage, and if she's decided that she wants to give herself to one guy and one guy only, I don't think there are any big underlying issues that need to be worried about, she's just being realistic I think.

 

What I can say for a fact is that how you handle this situation will go a long way towards her trust in you and her confidence in your relationship long-term.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So yeah, heres whats up. Our relationship is long distance for the time being so we dont get to see eachother too often. The stress of long distance is getting to me and i find wer're having arguments more frequently. I've written down a list of everything i'd like to talk about and discuss with her for the next time i we get to see eachother. She also has some stuff she'd like to talk about. I'm getting this feeling that we're going to break up soon. Maybe it's just paranoia due to long distance stress. I dont know. I hope we can see eachother this weekend, put my mind at ease. The sex "love making", maybe i'm a little depressed or whatever, but that topic takes a back seat for now. It's almost a feeling like 'i dont care' what happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can understand completely about what she is feeling.

I to have always said that i didnt need to wait for marriage, but I wanted to wait for that special person.

My first boyfriend (we were both 19) made it very clear he was tired of being a virigin and was always trying to get me to sleep with him. I told him I wasnt ready, that I wanted to wait till a special time. I had thought about sleeping with him, but I knew i wasnt ready. He didnt wait - he got me drunk and coerced me into bed. It was over before I knew what had happened.

He broke up with me a week later and I felt like dirt. i felt like i wasn't special and that no man would want me.

 

Having sex for the first time is scary and exciting. And wanting it to be with that someone special is very important to many people. Your girlfriend may see marriage as a way to guarentee that her first time will be with that special someone without risking heartache at the fall-out (I seriously considered this too).

 

Give her some time. It's understandable that you're hurting and feel rejected, but remember that if you love each other and plan on staying together, then there isn't a rush for your first time to be "right now". She may come around and see that you're there for her, and have every intention of staying with her, and if not, then realize it's her decision and you need to decide if you want to stay with her and see how the relationship progresses, or find another special someone.

A relationship based on a need to have sex doesn't have a strong foundation (this was bf #3 for me). There are many other intimate ways to express your love for each other.

 

Just keep in mind - pushing her to have her first time right now, may send the message that you just want sex (i'm not saying thats the case - just offering a girls perspective).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can understand completely about what she is feeling.

I to have always said that i didnt need to wait for marriage, but I wanted to wait for that special person.

 

Having sex for the first time is scary and exciting. And wanting it to be with that someone special is very important to many people. Your girlfriend may see marriage as a way to guarentee that her first time will be with that special someone without risking heartache at the fall-out (I seriously considered this too).

 

Give her some time. It's understandable that you're hurting and feel rejected,

There are many other intimate ways to express your love for each other.

 

Just keep in mind - pushing her to have her first time right now, may send the message that you just want sex (i'm not saying thats the case - just offering a girls perspective).

 

Very insightful post. Where to start..... We've slept together before, 13 times or so, I dont really keep count. She said to me that she doesnt like spending more then 2 nights in a row together because she's afraid of what she might do. I'm young, no prior serious relationships, how do you get to that level of a connection with out sex? Is there another way? If so what is it, i'd give it a try. Being able to make love to eachother is the ultimate physical thing that two people could do within a loving relationship, or am i mistaken? Or maybe from a guys point of view who have been in a similar situation, how did you handle it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I'm gonna have to disagree a little (my bad).

 

There's nothing particularly insecure about it, most teen relationships fail before marriage, and if she's decided that she wants to give herself to one guy and one guy only, I don't think there are any big underlying issues that need to be worried about, she's just being realistic I think.

 

What I can say for a fact is that how you handle this situation will go a long way towards her trust in you and her confidence in your relationship long-term.

 

I have no problem when people disagree with me. Maybe I'll learn something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think you should ask yourself a question here: is the need for sex ("love making") so natural when you love someone or could it be possible that you got under the influence of nowadays society? Besides us and the dolphins no other mammals have sex just for pleasure (because of the females) and it is possible the wemen started to accept this in order to keep the males interested in them but if you say you love her this shouldn't be an issue.

 

So this desire you say you feel so much where do you think it comes from? At your age i was very happy getting to spend time with her for hours (hold eachother, kiss, discuss, etc ... no sex, and it didn't feel like something was missing) but i remember the pressure coming from the realitionship with other people (guys) towards being a virgin. Be carefull not to forget about your feelings because others disturb your attention......just an idea

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, the kissing holding eachother and such is still very good. But when where laying there in bed, holding her in my arms is awesome, it's a great feeling. But thats just half of it, having to hold in my feelings, how i truly feel for her, pretty much restraining my self from trying to do more. Sure we've fooled around, but thats like dangling a piece of meat infront of a starving lion and then the lion having to restrain himself, It's hard to do. I lied once to her, told her that i was really tired and just needed to sleep, i just couldnt handle being tempted that night. It hurts having to hold those feelings back.

 

Society might have somthing to do with it, but i dont think so. Some of my buds used to ride me about it, but not really any more. My friends dont really influence the way i feel about my girlfriend

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...