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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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A week ago my recently rocky relationship of seven years came to an end. Rationally I understand that it may have been inevitable and for the best, but emotionally I'm kind of hurting. Feeling pretty bummed. The past month or so has been really rough.

 

Things between my ex and I had been hard recently. We were engaged last year, but I broke it off and moved out. Six months later we got back together trying to work it out and really it had been terrible ever since. And now six months after that she broke up with me.

 

I knew that the relationship might end but I was holding on because I didn't want to break up again until I was sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that it couldn't work out. One of my ex's big complaints for the past year and a half is a part time job I was keeping for financial reasons, so I had been working seven days a week. Well, I lost the job (through no fault of my own, a lesson learned in how non union employees can be treated) and was feeling upset about that but I thought the silver lining would be we would have more time to spend together and it would be the thing to either make or break our relationship. She knew I was losing the job, and on the night I went in to pick up my last check and I'm talking to her on the phone about it, she lays it on me that she had actually broken up with me two days prior via e-mail but I hadn't checked my e-mail so I didn't know...

 

 

It's amazing how in hindsight you can view things so clear, and see the faults of both yourself and your former partner and how they affected the relationship. Looking back on it I'm amazed we lasted as long as we did, and yet if she were to call me right now and say the right things I'd be willing to give it another shot. Her faults, as I see them:

 

1. She is very needy. Just take a look at that thread I posted above: I had invited guy friends over to watch pro wrestling and play poker for kind of a guy's night, then she tries to muscle in at the last minute and blows up at me when I refused. Talking about it after she said she wanted to be with me all the time, and barring that didn't understand why we couldn't be with each other as much as possible.

 

2. She is incapable of taking responsibility for her actions when she makes a big mistake. Examples - she cheated on me early in our relationship, but it was my fault because I wasn't being a good boyfriend at the time. And last year when we were breaking up she smacked me, but that was ok because I'm a man so I should be able to take it.

 

3. By extension of the above, she is also incapable of seeing her own faults and working on them. When we got back together us working on our individual issues was the big thing that was going to make or break us, and in hindsight she never tried working on her issues because she honestly believes she doesn't have any.

 

4. The above two are evidence of an immature individual, which she is. Not quite acting her 24 years of age...

 

5. She is an angry person. Not the kind to have big our bursts, but she angers relatively easily and it can simmer...

 

There's more I could say right now, but I don't really have the heart to keep talking. Just heard through the grapevine she is already dating other guys less than a week after we broke up. Kind of confirms my suspicion that something else was up because her stated reasons for leaving me made no sense....

 

And yet, if she were to call me up right now and say the right things I would take her back.

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It's amazing how our tolerance for another's shortcomings keeps rising the longer we stay in the relationship. I think about the things I dislike about my ex, certain aspects of his personality that I'm disgusted with and cannot reconcile with those of a decent human being, and yet, like you, I'm afraid that I would take him back if he "said the right things." If I met someone new with the same negative traits, I would be turned off, without a doubt, yet I tolerate(d) it in someone I have history with.

 

It sounds like your gf didn't respect your space and was a little needy. Also, breaking up with you over e-mail was lame. Seven years is a long time, but you seem to have a good grasp on what wasn't working in the relationship. She didn't work on her issues, which, as you implied, was a make-or-break for the reconciliation, so know that you gave it your best. Would it help to remind yourself why you broke up with her the first time? It doesn't take away the hurt, but reminding ourselves of the rational reasons for why things broke down grounds us and starts the healing.

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It's amazing how our tolerance for another's shortcomings keeps rising the longer we stay in the relationship.

 

Yeah. My ex's short comings were pretty well masked to me for most of the relationship for various reasons though. The cheating and hitting me were two incidents that I thought were isolated and could explain away, but thinking about them afterwards they are windows into a larger pattern.

 

The neediness wasn't really an issue because we were long distance for four years (college) and I was happy to talk to her as much as possible on the phone, and spend every moment with her that I could when she had off.

 

 

Would it help to remind yourself why you broke up with her the first time?

 

In this case, no.

 

I broke up with her because I never got over her cheating on me. I thought with enough time it would go away (the reason I found this site actually) but after years it was still there. I couldn't shake it. So I left. The reason I went back to her was because I made a discovery with my therapist about the real reason I couldn't get over her cheating on me (and how it all went back to my childhood. Very cliche but it made perfect sense in my case). Then I felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life and went back to her. But she couldn't forgive me for leaving her. The rest, as they say, is history. Or is? For a long time I'm probably going to think about what I could have done differently to save things...

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What is hurting the most right now and I can't get over is that she was out on a date only two days after she breaks up with me, and we'd been together seven years. I had asked her if she met anyone, and she told me no - she wasn't looking...

 

I'm asking myself all sorts of questions I know I shouldn't be. Is it someone she met and had lined up before she gave me the boot? Is it someone one of her friends set her up with? I know it doesn't really matter, but, it hurts...

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Hey RandomAdviser.

 

Just read your posts and i hear ya on everything, although i'm kind of on the other side of it. My bf and i of 5 1/2 years just broke up, it wasn't bad tho, its a mutal kind of thing. But about 3 years into our relationship we had a "break" i guess you would call it. And it was mainly me wanting it. All those question your asking tho are normal, i did the same thing. But to me it's like she doesn't want to tell you she is seeing someone else because she know's it will just hurt you even more. Maybe she did have this all set up before she gave you "the boot" but atleast this time she had the decency to do it before she cheated on you.

I think everyone asks them selves those same questions. It's like you want to know but trust me knowing just hurts you even more, especially if it's someone you know personally. It's best to just try and not even talk about those things right now, it'll just end up making things worse for the long run.

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Sounds like a rebound. Try not to think about it. What I do is (sometimes) smack myself in the head and say out loud, "don't think about him (my ex), he's obviously not thinking about you, so why should I waste time on him?"

 

The only explanation I can come up with is that I still care for her, I still love her, even though I shouldn't. I look back and I see all the things in her personality that are deal breakers, but I still remember the good times and if I could only have a chance to go back to that I would. I thought I had that chance six months ago when we got back together and I was very happy. But her anger was just so intense and she couldn't forgive me for leaving her, it just ruined everything. I tried to hold out hoping that she would get over her anger and other issues with her own therapist. Little did I know she stopped going to her therapist months ago, and didn't tell me. She used that against me when we broke up - said I didn't know because I didn't ask her. But once when I had mentioned something she should talk about with her therapist, she told me it was none of my business so I thought asking her about her therapist was off limits...

 

She probably stopped going because she can't see her own faults. As far as she is concerned all the problems in the relationship were from me not loving her enough and not giving her enough affection. So why should she waste time in therapy if there is nothing wrong with her?

By the way, what is that freaky-looking animal in your avatar?

 

Haven't a clue. Saw the picture on a google image search years ago from a search I can't remember. I thought it was really funny so I saved it. Should probably change it...

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Hey RandomAdviser.

I think everyone asks them selves those same questions. It's like you want to know but trust me knowing just hurts you even more, especially if it's someone you know personally. It's best to just try and not even talk about those things right now, it'll just end up making things worse for the long run.

 

There's no chance it is someone I know personally, but I think there is a very good chance that it is someone she never would have met had it not been for me. Very shortly after we got back together she had a term as an Americorps vista ending at a non profit institution. She had no job prospects, and was thinking of maybe becoming a bar tender. I told her she was too good for that, and instead looked into her becoming a teacher through a program I myself am in. I took the initiative and called the place up - it was the very last day they were accepting applications to become a teacher for September of this year. I practically wrote the application for her, and coached her on all the questions she would be asked and how to answer at the interview. Of course she got the job.

 

So if it is someone that she met recently (and not someone a friend is hooking her up with) then I know it has to be either someone she met at work, or someone she met at her graduate classes - both are places she is at because of my help...

 

My therapist says that for her this is probably similar to that first year of college when she cheated. She's moving on and doing the things she had wanted to do but couldn't because she wasn't confident enough. Now she has this nice new job with great job security, financial security, and she's using all that new found confidence to dump the person that helped give it to her so she can trade up...

 

We'll see what happens. I've been on this site for years and I've read many stories that fit the template of the situation I am in. Usually, the dumper sees that the grass is not so green and they call the ex up. As unproductive as it would probably be, I want to have that conversation.

 

There are so many things I want to say to her and to ask her, even though I know she probably doesn't want to listen to most of them. I tried texting her Monday night (before I found out she was dating someone) to ask her if we could talk for a few minutes. She replies that I am no longer entitled to her time anymore, and to leave her alone...

 

Seven years I spent with this woman. We experienced so much together, loved each other, slept with one another, lived with each other, were about to marry each other, and now I get this totally cold shoulder like I am some kind of monster. I'm sitting here asking myself what is wrong with me in spite of all her problems. Why am I so terrible that she left me when I was going to have more time to spend with her? And over and e-mail? Of all things, and e-mail? Don't I deserve better than that? I thought the woman I spent so much time with would have given me more even with things ending. Did I ever really know her?

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