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Royally Screwed Up


jxs
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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So after telling myself NC, NC, NC, I called my ex after a really hard day. It's only been NC for 4 days and I gave in.

 

Now I totally regret it. She didn't pick up (because she is at the library, I know this for a fact). I'm pretty sure she has caller ID.

 

Now I am worrying if she'll call back, if I should answer, etc.

 

Stupid me.

 

But what's done is done. Anyways, I was wondering, how long should I NC for until I contact her next? I want to reconcile with her and try to get together again in the future.

 

She is very shy, and has stated many times she likes it when I initiate contact (even during our relationship). How long should I wait until I call her?

 

And if she calls back this time, what should I talk about? Should I be casual and just see how she's doing, or should I tell her that I am going to NC and that if she wants to try again she can call? She doesn't know I chose to NC this time.

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yu don't really need to let her know you chose NC, it won't change a thing, i guess, or might even put you in a not so good position if you want to win her back.

 

call when you feel like doing it. ask how she's been.just make sue you don't catch her off guard. about NC...there are no rules. you set them for yourself, or at the end of the day, it's you who determines what's best for you.

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Ok, so throughout the night, I ended up calling her about 8 times. No answer.

 

Started panicing. Felt like after healing a bit from NC, it all went down the drain.

 

I decided to e-mail her too. Anyways, she replied today with a text. Should I keep the contact going? Or should I just go NC again?

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We were fighting, and I said lets break up (an empty threat). That same night, things got worse and she said lets break up (she was trying to salvage what we had).

 

She said she still loves me, but just needed time alone to forget all the pain we had together, all the fighting and mean stuff I said. She said she could easily fall back into my arms, but refuses to put herself through another fight.

 

The reason for breakup is that I though she didn't give me enough of her time (she does this thing in university where she helps first year kids get used to university). She'd always be at meetings, and always tell me she can't talk because some first years are here talking to her. Her pain stemmed from me discouraging the fact that she did this job, and that I was not supportive, and often said mean things about this.

 

We broke up a little under a week ago.

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You should definitely avoid contact where you are acting insecure and desparate - eg. calling her 8 times without answer. That is obsessive. You weren't doing it because you had to speak with her about something urgent. You did it because you were acting out of control.

 

It sounds as though she may consider reconciliation but is worried about your behavior. Have you spoken about this with her? Have you discussed the problems that led to this break up and previously to fighting and arguments?

 

I think you need to look at what your role in the relationship was. Why were you not supportive of her work? Can you change this behavior and sustain a more stable relationship (it seems this is what she wanted). Why do you lash out and say mean stuff to her? Will this change if you reconcile.

 

From the very little I have read about this situation, I think you need to address the above issues. Then have open and direct communication with her about what you want and how to go about it. Also, you need to respect her space, if she does not answer your call, dont keep calling. She will get in touch when she wants to!

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We had a talk, face-to-face, a few days after the breakup over the phone. I know the 8 times thing was obsessive. It was just one of those 'bad' days.

 

I have told her over and over again how I understand what she wants, but I cannot change my opinion on things over night. I said I'd work on it and hopefully I'll learn to like what she does. I lash out because I have changed to fit what she wanted but our relationship felt like nothing had healed. It seemed like even though I changed my ways, she still felt unhappy. She said that everything had accumulated over 1 year and that she's just very sad and emotional everytime she sees me.

 

I was not supportive because it took time away from us being together. We had contact last year in university, but only like an hour a day, with her not really replying because she would be doing homework. This year, she should has less classes so more time to talk to me, but decided to take up this job (volunteer). Before the breakup, I barely got to talk to her because she always had meetings or whatever.

 

We have addressed these issues, but she does not think I can change. She thinks that if we keep going, I'll pretend I like her job (which I do to make her feel I'm supportive), and then after I'll explode one time and fight with her, making her sad again.

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You should not pretend to like her job. It is her job and you should support it because it is important to her. However, things cant be one sided. She needs to find an appropriate balance between her studies/work and other things in life. It is difficult to say if she had that or not because we obviously only get your side of things.

 

It is not clear to me what made her unhappy. Was it that you argued with her and lashed out or were there other reasons?

 

At the moment, I think you should lay out your feelings and the fact that you want to work on the relationship and to improve your communication as well as understanding and support for each other's needs. Do this only if you feel like you've not done it already. After that point you should limit contact. Give her breathing space and allow yourself to move forward because at the end of the day you may not reconcile and that's an important realisation.

 

It seems that during the relationship you demanded more time from her than she did from you. People have different emotional and physical needs from each other. Letting some space between you may also be a way of her understanding that you are independent and able to go forward yourself. It may be one of the things she doubts about your relationship.

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It's actually a volunteer thing, not really a 'job'. She previously asked if she should do it, and I said no because of the spending less time together thing, and then she got upset that I didn't support her. All arguments stemmed from that after.

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Hey

 

I am going through the same thing with my wife. I know it is quite hard to be NC. I have finally been able to do it. Prior to this, the longest we went without talking was maybe a day. Now for the last three weeks, it has been 5-7 days. She has contacted me twice during this time, which I am very thankful for. Being NC really did have some positive effects.

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