Can men/ women have close friendships without any underlying romance/ attraction/ lust?

[lost1607307474]

Here's the situation: I am 21 years old and have been in a long-term relationship for 2 years with my boyfriend, who I love so much and want to be with more than anything in the world!

 

There is this other guy who I went to high school with. We were pretty good friends in high school, and continued to be close after our high school years. He's had a couple of flings with my best friend. Anyway, I believed that all we had together was a close friendship and that was all - but my boyfriend thinks he's in love with me! All we do is go out for coffee together, watch DVDs at his house, sometimes play music together (we're both musicians), talk on the phone sometimes... never has anything romantic happened between us! Sometimes we send each other text messages with song lyrics from our favourite bands (not romantic lyrics or anything) because we like to share our love of music.

 

One night, I received a text messaged from this male friend at 12am when my boyfriend and I were in bed. My boyfriend cracked it and said he doesn't want me to hang out with this friend, saying that our friendship is "not normal" and that there's something going on, that he is in love with me and that I should stay away from him, etc.

 

So, is my boyfriend right? Am I going to far with this friendship, is it "not normal?" I honestly believed that we were just friends, no romance/ lust involved at all. But what do you think? Can men and women have really close friendships without underlying attraction/ romantic love/ lust? I don't want to be with this male friend in THAT way, I just really enjoy his company AS A FRIEND. But my boyfriend is not happy about it. Am I just being naive and not seeing this properly/ not seeing male friend's underlying motives for being my friend?

 

Edit: Since my relationship with my boyfriend has gotten more serious, and also since he's shown unease about my friendship with this guy, we've stopped hanging out in 'alone' situations. I no longer go to his house to watch movies or whatever because I know realise this could be viewed as inappropriate. These days we just catch up for coffee or catch up in a GROUP of friends at a club or something. But my boyfriend still hates that we are friends. Who is being the unreasonable one?

[Rose21]

Everything that your doing seems fine.

 

Although the you going to his house alone to watch movies seems like a date so I can understand why your boyfriend could be upset about THAT.

 

Or if he texts you constantly.

[redhearts]

A text at 12am. If my man got one I be like WHO IS TEXTING YOU AT THIS HOUR!?!

 

I don't think you should watch movies, all your bf will think is CUDDLING up. Have you asked this friend if he likes you? There does get a point where two friends may have more feelings, one or the other may.

[lost1607307474]

Update: He doesn't text me constantly, just one or two every now and then to say "How have you been?", catch up etc.

 

ALSO since my boyfriend has expressed disapproval, we haven't been going to each other's houses anymore coz yeah you're right it could seem like a date. These days we basically just go out for coffee, or catch up in a GROUP of friends at a club or something.

[i_win]

I have numerous strictly platonic friendships with women and yes I find them attractive but I do not view them in a romantic sense because they are my friends, not my lovers.

[COtuner]

My best friend is a guy and we have never ever even thought about crossing the line. We talked about it once at the very beginning and both found it hilarious. My BF, on the other hand, was quite jealous until he had the time to process the relationship and understand that it wasn't a threat. Still, he does NOT like me spending time with guys alone, even in groups, which is tough since most of my coworkers are men.... leads to business travel with men, happy hour gatherings with men, etc. It's unfair to my BF but I try very hard to keep him fully apprised of who they are, where we are, etc etc and cut time short to focus on him. (because to be honest I'd be jealous as heck were the situation reversed, so I understand his feelings)

[denise_14]

Actually depends on the personally of your bf. I once had an ex who was cool with those sort of things (me hanging out in the place of my other guy friends) because for one thing, i've been friends with the guys even before i met him and he became my partner. that's my personality, he knows that i'm like that before he even stepped into my life and i won't just change my ways drastically just to please him. secondly, he is also friends with them, so he trusts me and the guys too.

 

now, i've had another ex (the more recent one) and he's not cool with that. it is because of his jealous nature and he is the "My girl is MINE" type. He is also not friends with my other guy friends so I understand. I really don't know but this time around though, i was willing to bend for him.

 

It's always a case-to-case basis. but for as long as you enjoy what you're doing and you know that you're not doing anything bad, just continue with your thing and enjoy life ^__^

[Casey13]

Well I can see your boyfriend's frustration with some of the aspects of friendship you are having with this guy. Although I think you are fully entitled to be even close friends with him and your boyfriend has no right to tell you to cut off all contact some of the things that are going on might be stretched a bit far. For instance, the text messages coming at midnight while you and your boyfriend are in bed along with private movie nights are a bit much. If this guy is your true friend he should understand that you are in a tight relationship with your boyfriend who understandable may be a bit on the jealous side and both you and your friend should sit down and come up with an understanding of what is acceptable and what is not. I would kindly ask him to stop sending texts beyond a certain time unless it's an emergency and if you two are meeting up along do so in public not late at night for movies.

 

Many guys get jealous and intimidated when their girlfriend has close guy friends and often what works well is if you introduce your boyfriend to your friend. If this is done early enough and the two get along and see each other as good people you would have much less issues in maintaining this friendship.

[Rose21]

Lol it was different with my ex.

 

I introduced him to my best friend of the time (who was a guy) although I had very strong feelings for him, they were just masked my ex, and they got along SO Well, that they would spend ALOT of time together. Like more then me and my ex, he would ditch me to hang out with my best friend, people even said they were gay together.

 

We would all lie and sleep in the same bed together.

 

Yeeah thats why I dont have very many close guy friends anymore lol.

 

And I liked them BOTH.

[lost1607307474]

it is because of his jealous nature and he is the "My girl is MINE" type.

 

Yep. That is what my boyfriend is like and is what is making this so difficult! :S

[lost1607307474]

Many guys get jealous and intimidated when their girlfriend has close guy friends and often what works well is if you introduce your boyfriend to your friend. If this is done early enough and the two get along and see each other as good people you would have much less issues in maintaining this friendship.

 

They've been introduced and met on several occasions like birthdays, gatherings etc. My boyfriend realllly dislikes him which makes it even worse!

[Stars_n_Guitars]

Before 8 months ago, I always thought that a male-female relationship couldn't work without one of them having feelings for the other. I am convinced now that with maturity, comes the possibility of a this kind of relationship happening where neither one likes the other in a romantic way!

[waveseer]

If I spent a great deal of time with him I would expect to develop romantic feelings for him. I suspect that is true both ways.

[lost1607307474]

If I spent a great deal of time with him I would expect to develop romantic feelings for him. I suspect that is true both ways.

 

I've spent a great deal of time with him for just over four years and I have no romantic feelings for him at all, never have, and doubt I will. I just see him as a good friend. So it may not be true for both ways.

[blue69]

Jealousy is a tough emotion to overcome. You can't expect him to make dramastic changes with that regard. But you have to realize that this is part of his current personality. You have to be willing to deal with it, because if left unchecked it will NEVER go away.

 

This situation is a good reason for you two to discuss this type of behavior. It needs to be addressed. You have to explain how this behavior makes you feel. You also have to consider that he isn't wired up to fully accept this type of a friendship. To overcome this type of jealous behavior he has to want to change it. Then you have to work with him on it. And it is a lot of work.

 

Otherwise you can leave your friend, ignore the bf behavior and watch as it crops up every now and again during your relationship... yuck.

[Seraphim]

I don't know maybe cause I am from a different generation, but I would not be having movie time with some other guy if I had a bf. Like I said could be my generation though.

[tictactoe2006]

I think it is possible, but not common, for friendships betwen opposit esexes to be strictly platonic. Do a search on some of my posts and you can see more of my vantage point on this issue.

 

Also - I think this guy 'friend' is overstepping a bit - the big flag here being, the texts at night.

[jcrisph]

I have a best friend who is a girl. I used to go over her house every tuesdays and thursday for lunch after school. we took a lot of the same classes in college. At first her bf was real mad. He is also very close to me, like a brother. He even went far enough to say that he thinks that me and his girlfriend have a better connection then he they do. Once i explained to him that nothing would happened and how much she tells me how she loves him, and some time he finally doesnt make such a big deal anymore and you know what my friendship, and their relationship is stronger than ever.

[Scaredy_Squirrel]

I have numerous strictly platonic friendships with women and yes I find them attractive but I do not view them in a romantic sense because they are my friends, not my lovers.

 

I have always had lots more men FRIENDS than women friends and they have always stayed platonic, regardless of either of our ages. But...I make sure that there is not a single possibility of it going anywhere...ever!

 

For instance, I will always ask, "Hey, how's your wife's new job? How did Susie do in soccer this weekend?" Plus, and this is a BIG plus....I never invite alcohol into the mix (no drinks after work) and we never meet in discreet places.

 

If I invite my best friend over to my house for dinner, I always call his wife, ask permission and invite her along, too. My crew foreman and I have been wonderful friends for 3 years and if he has ever entertained a thought about me, I won't let that seed germinate anywhere in my life.

 

So, yes, you can certainly have opposite sex FRIENDS, but just don't do couple-y things with them: movies, sharing deep-intense conversations about how their spouse/partner is "doing them wrong", etc. Then you begin to muddy the waters and things can go very wrong, very fast.

[tictactoe2006]

Well put, Scaredy. Esp. that lst paragraph. MANY affairs start that way.

[jcrisph]

very good post!