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boyfriend drinking, going to bars


sandrawg

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My bf and I have been through a slew of problems. We've been together over a year, through many dramas and conflicts, some caused by me, others caused by him, but it's looking now like we're both ready to bail. I'm not sure why i'm posting-maybe it's to vent.

 

I feel my bf drinks too much. He doesn't get rip-roaring drunk that often, but when he does, he often does something stupid. Last time it happened, 2 weeks ago, he started a fight in a bar with some guy over something stupid. I had to drag him out. Then when I gave him a hard time about starting the fight, he decided he'd walk home instead of going to my place, which was the original plan. I tried to get him to let me take him home, and all I wanted to do was leave. But he insisted on staying outside the bar complaining about the guy the whole time. Finally, I walked off.

 

He ran behind me, yelling at me. Ended up kicking his foot through some glass. I really freaked out then. Long story short-he ended up taking the wheel of my car while I was trying to drive, then when I pulled over he broke my cellphone cuz I was trying to call my friend. I left him by the side of the road but ended up picking him up later cuz I was worried about his safety.

 

Well, I have tried to explain to him BEFORE that I don't like him spending so much of his time going to bars. But after that incident, I really don't like it. Over the weekend, he and I both went out and had a couple of drinks. Monday night, he stayed out til 3am at a bar for someone's going away party. Last night, he texts me to tell me he's...guess where? at a bar. For taco tuesday. But he's only having "1 or 2" beers.

 

When he called me, I was tense. I didn't yell. I didn't scream. But tense. He says going to bars is to get away from his horrible living environment, an environment he has refused to move out of for over a yr, cuz he's "trying to save money" and he has no car, etc. When I said this is a ridiculous circular argument, because going to bars means he spends money he could be spending on moving to a better place, he said I am "too demanding." Well, that made me go BALLISTIC. Because I have put up with a lot in our rel'ship, and I felt that was completely disrespectful and insulting, as well as invalidating my concerned feelings.

 

His phone died so I ended up hanging up on him, basically, and sending him some very angry IMs. I haven't heard from him since then, all day, and we usually IM during the day. I'm going through the gamut of feelings right now. I'm still pretty pissed. But I miss chatting with him. He can be an immature idiot but he can also be loving, and kind and very sweet.

 

I think he may have a drinking problem, at this point.

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It's good that you've become aware of this, because a drinking problem is a huge red flag. my ex had a drinking problem that i didn't really acknowledge until it was too late. it also led her to inexcuseable behavior like cheating on me or getting herself in trouble, and i guess i made the mistake of believing her when she said she could change.

 

but don't worry it doesn't mean he can't. i would address the issue head on though right away, don't waste any more time dealing with his ridiculous behavior - he has no right to drag you through it and you should have no reason to have to deal with it. be straight forward with him, tell him how much it's hurting you to be with someone who behaves this way - and that he pretty much needs to change or hit the road. you can support him in trying to help him change, but he is the only one who can do it.

 

i guess that sounds drastic, but after having been in a relationship with someone who had a drinking problem - even if they see it as minor in their own eyes or make excuses for it - it always ends up badly with both people getting hurt. so try to nip this in the bud if you can!

 

good luck

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He doesn't have a drinking problem. He has an attitude problem. And he doesn't sound like he is willing to make an effort to change or do anything with his life. I don't generally give this advice but I'd get rid of him because you staying with him is going to do him no favours whatsoever. He needs a real kick up the butt.....and it seems like you're the only person thats able to do that. What are his parents doing?

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He doesn't have a drinking problem. He has an attitude problem. And he doesn't sound like he is willing to make an effort to change or do anything with his life. I don't generally give this advice but I'd get rid of him because you staying with him is going to do him no favours whatsoever. He needs a real kick up the butt.....and it seems like you're the only person thats able to do that. What are his parents doing?

 

true. i used to go out pretty much every night and drink. i was never this out of control though. i would just get 0 sleep and go to work, then go out and do it again. my ex i started dating was my intervention. i cared about her so much i changed my ways. she would go out with me each night just to watch over me. not because i would start a bar fight, but just to watch how much i would drink. pretty soon it was down to just weekends and then once a week.

 

this behavior i find alarming though.

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