Neadine Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Ok, I’m a little confused and unsure here at the moment and would really appreciate some advice or suggestions. I’ve recently come out of a pretty disastrous relationship where I was lied to and cheated on time again. Anyway, that all ended and I’ve so far lived to tell the tale. A few weeks ago, a friend put me in contact with a friend of hers, said he was really nice and thought that we would get on etc. Anyway, we spent about 2 weeks talking on the phone several times a day, texting about 5 million times a day – ok just a slight exaggeration there!! In the middle of all this he was away from a few days and text asking if I thought it was possible to miss someone you didn’t know? Anyway, when he got back he suggested we meet up for a drink. We don’t live near by so he travelled to come to see me for a night out. I was really surprised by the fact that everything was so relaxed with him, there was an initially feeling uncomfortable for about a minute and then after that everything was just like it had been on the phone, just good fun. We had a really good night out, talked and laughed in to the wee hours. Had breakfast together and spend the next day together until it was time for him to go back him. Said good bye and chatted when he got home. All that happened on Saturday and Sunday. Anyway, on Monday morning my delightful ex called me and started playing more head games, he is so good at those. Told him that I had a ‘date’ at the weekend, thinking that might make him back off but it just made him even more obnoxious. Anyway, I don’t know if it’s my imagination, paranoia or just plain and simple insecurities, but I think that my date has cooled off since getting back home. I did message him saying if he didn’t want to meet up again to just let me know and I would appreciate the honesty, he said he had a ball at the weekend but wouldn’t be able to visit for a while, he has a child from previous relationship and who he spends lots of time with. He’s a really nice guy, but I can’t help but think he has just lost interest since Sunday evening. I know I shouldn’t have but I told him about my ex being back in contact, mainly because I was really annoyed about it all. So, should I just back off and leave him get back to me?? Should I suggest going out again?? Have been invited to a very formal function, would love to take a date, but would mean most of a weekend away, should I ask him? Help! I’ve had a serious of disasters with men and really don’t want to screw this up before it even starts, he’s nice, and fun and thought we really, really clicked, could I have got it that wrong?? Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 No, I don't think you got it wrong. I think you just scared him off a little by telling him your ex is still in the picture. If the subject ever does come up, just tell him that you're just friends, & that you've both moved on. He's probably just worried that you & your ex aren't completely done yet, & he doesn't want to get too deeply involved yet. Link to comment
Syntax1985 Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 before when it was flirting over the phone it was mysterious, new and exiting, now you've met each other the real worlds come into play. which is fair enough on both your parts, he hasn't shown you any sign of shying away, and he hasn't ignored you etc. so i think your just worrying to much to be honest, he told you he had a ball on the weekend but he has other things going on as well at the moment. did u suggest going up to see him? Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 No, I don't think you got it wrong. I think you just scared him off a little by telling him your ex is still in the picture. If the subject ever does come up, just tell him that you're just friends, & that you've both moved on. He's probably just worried that you & your ex aren't completely done yet, & he doesn't want to get too deeply involved yet. Thanks PsychGirly, I've made it more than clear that I've got no interest in ex, he's now with someone he got pregnant while he was seeing me. Don't even really want to be friends with him and have told new guy this. Was chatting to him and just kinda started venting about it all. Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 before when it was flirting over the phone it was mysterious, new and exiting, now you've met each other the real worlds come into play. which is fair enough on both your parts, he hasn't shown you any sign of shying away, and he hasn't ignored you etc. so i think your just worrying to much to be honest, he told you he had a ball on the weekend but he has other things going on as well at the moment. did u suggest going up to see him? Nope, he hasn't shyed away,but definitely there is less contact since the weekend, I'm kinda taking his lead on that, and not texting as much either. I haven't made any suggestions about meeting up again. I know he has his son this weekend. Am thinking of asking if he would like to do something the following weekend, I just don't want to come on too strong and send him running in the opposite direction. I am soooo out of practice at this kinda thing. Link to comment
DN Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 The problem is that talking about your ex, even in a negative way, shows him that your ex is still a factor in your life - and many people want to steer clear of situations like that. He may feel that either your ex is going to be a nuisance or that you do still have feelings for him even though you say you don't and at some point you may go back to him. It would have been wiser not to have mentioned your ex at all - also not to have mentioned the new guy to your ex. Even venting to a new prospect about an ex gives the impression that you still have some sort of connection. But what's done is done. I would tell him that you would like to see him again at some point and that if you gave him the impression the ex is still in the picture in some shape or form that was neither true not indented. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Nope, he hasn't shyed away,but definitely there is less contact since the weekend, I'm kinda taking his lead on that, and not texting as much either. I haven't made any suggestions about meeting up again. I know he has his son this weekend. Am thinking of asking if he would like to do something the following weekend, I just don't want to come on too strong and send him running in the opposite direction. I am soooo out of practice at this kinda thing. Actually, I think I'd handle it exactly as you are. Use your gut feeling to decide whether it would be OK to suggest something the following weekend. Also, within my experience, contact from an obnoxious ex can really throw you off balance. I find that I have to work hard at NOT feeling paranoid and insecure after unpleasant encounters like that, and things which I wouldn't normally think twice about suddenly take on great significance. Until sanity sets in again. Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 I think I'm becoming resigned to the fact that I've screwed it up. Really feel tht the contact over the last few days was just him being polite, and slowly breaking off contact. Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 Actually, I think I'd handle it exactly as you are. Use your gut feeling to decide whether it would be OK to suggest something the following weekend. Also, within my experience, contact from an obnoxious ex can really throw you off balance. I find that I have to work hard at NOT feeling paranoid and insecure after unpleasant encounters like that, and things which I wouldn't normally think twice about suddenly take on great significance. Until sanity sets in again. Right now my gut is telling me he's not interested and too polite to come right out with it. Maybe the phone/text contact was all mystery and the reality just didn't live up to that. He had asked me to go with him and 2 friends to his holiday home next month, tht was before we met, and was mentioned shortly after meeting on Saturday but hasn't been mentioned since. Also, tonite is the first night there was no call/text, just to say good nite, I know he was going out for a few beers tonite so I didn't really want to bother him, but that previously hasn't stopped him calling/texting me, and tonight, nothing. Right now I'm just confused and upset. And really angry at my ex for getting back in contact and being a total ass yet again. I know I probably shouldn't have mentioned about my ex, but if something was going to come of this with him and I, then I didn't want to have secrets. Agggrrgh, just can't win here. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Sounds like total **** at the moment - the only thing I can say is that one way or another, it will pass. I'm really feeling for you in this one. Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 15, 2008 Author Share Posted October 15, 2008 Sounds like total **** at the moment - the only thing I can say is that one way or another, it will pass. I'm really feeling for you in this one. Thanks Nutbrownhare, Just feeling sorry for myself about the whole thing at the moment. So much was said last week and even over the weekend and the vibe just seems to have done a complete turn round. Should I just ask him right out if he just wants to foget it all; we had a laugh on the phone, met and .... maybe it just didn't work for him. Or does that just make me sound like more of a freak. Link to comment
DN Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I think you should talk to him. Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 I think you should talk to him. Ask him straight out if he's just not interested? At least then we can both stop wasting each others time. Link to comment
DN Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Ask him straight out if he's just not interested? At least then we can both stop wasting each others time.I wouldn't phrase it like that because that sounds too negative. But I would ask if he is interested in seeing you again and where this might lead. If he says anything other than "yes" then move on. Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Problem solved, my gut was right. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Ouch! Be very, very nice to yourself. Hang out with your favourite people, if you can. Go and have a massage, anything which will help you feel good about yourself. And put this one very firmly behind you! Link to comment
Neadine Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 We chatted, thru text, he said he figured that I still wasn't over ex - up until recently wasn't really sure but now know I very much am. Said ex was an ass for treating me the way he did, etc. And really wanted to be friends for now, had a ball while we were together etc. Agreed and said would love to go out again, even as friends. Text him yesterday twice and haven't had a reply! Why the hell don't people just say what the mean? I'm going to delete his number from my phone, don't wanted to be tempted to text/call and make even more of a fool of myself. Link to comment
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