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I admit, this place has spooked me.


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I still have a soft spot in and around my heart for the woman I dated two relationships ago. We broke up over extenuating circumstances, and she felt that she "had to breakup" with me, that I left her with no choice because of continued contact with my ex before her.

 

Since that time, we have both dated other people. Our longest NC is 6 weeks, and we've had LC ever since. Recently, about 6 weeks ago, we hung out together for the first time in almost a year. We went to dinner. It was obvious that there was still a lot of spark there. However, it was also obvious that she was also dating two other men.

 

After dinner, we went on a drive, visited our old apartment together, and talked along the way. She said that she regretted breaking up with me, that she didn't see things clearly back then. She also commented that, "Why is it that no matter who I date, I always just end up going back to thinking about you?" When she went to drop me off, she started caressing me, and then we kissed a few times. It wasn't what I expected, and it also left me wondering, "Just how many boyfriends do you need in your life at one time?"

 

In any case, I haven't pursued it at all beyond maintaining the LC. Her emails, text messages, and flirts are getting more and more over-the-top, and I catch myself trying to read her which is NOT what I want to be doing because I know how that just gets people in trouble.

 

I could just have an honest conversation about reconciliation, but at the same time I am not prepared to say, "Stop dating these other men, and only date me." For starters, I'd have to be 100% sure that that's what I want, and I'm not sure of anything right now.

 

The "spooked" part comes in just from reading sooooo many ENA stories about reconciliations gone awry. The guy or gal is so upbeat and confident about their chances about getting back together, and then suddenly that reconciliation vanishes in thin air. Needless to say, this fact isn't inspiring confidence in me right now. At the same time, I'm so much more relaxed and at ease around other women that I know, and I like a few other women as well.

 

I guess the main points of this thread are confusion + feeling a little too well versed on all things Ex thanks to these boards. And then at the same time, she sends me a picture of herself just now, in full flirt with the camera, and I find my heart beating faster.

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Jettison, I've read a lot of your posts and you always seem to be able to spell out exactly what you're thinking.

 

One thing that caught me off guard while reading your post, that I never did while pursuing reconciliation with my ex, is that while yes, we read about situations gone awry, what about all the ones that don't? Those people have no need for a board such as this, which is why we don't hear about it.

 

If you're not 100% about her, I'd say play it out and see where it goes. Don't put too much stock into this one girl, as one of the others you're interested in may turn out to be a better option. At the same time, don't give up all hope. She SEEMS interested in trying again with you, so if you take her out again and things are much the same, you may want to ask her what her interest with you is; where she stands. You may hear something you don't want to, or you may hear that she's interested in you and her heart beats faster whenever you shoot her a text, just like yours does when she texts you.

 

Who knows? This may be a case of letting go only to have her come back and it working out due to no other extenuating circumstances.

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This was the same lightning bolt that popped into my head when I encouraged those who want their exes back to think about it. Its an excellent feeling to know what you want and understand what you need. It is creepy to see these situations first hand, and especially after advising someone who was in the same position. Some things about our emotions and exes are fundamental.

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I wouldn't jump back into it seeing as it didn't work the first time and she's got other dudes in the picture, but it's probably not a bad idea to take things slow with her and see where it goes. You guys seem to be on the same wavelength as far as still having "soft spots" for each other, and trying again could help you find out once and for all whether or not you're really compatable.

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Flirting with you while in a relationship with another guy is a red flag to me. I think if she was really serious about you she'd call if off with the other guy.

But then again, I really don't know her at all.

 

Well, that night she told me that the guy she had been seeing for almost a year was "just more of the same", and that they were on the outs, and then she also had some not-so-flattering things to say about the new guy. Basically, she seemed to be going out of her way to downplay her involvement with either of them while also making it clear that involvement existed. Full disclosure? Honesty? Just a game? It could be taken in and every way.

 

This is why my interactions with her cannot be based on anything I'm guessing about or trying to read. I need only just keep being me, don't push anything, and if it happens then it happens.

 

BTW, has anyone else enabled Gmail Goggles yet? I have. I don't plan on disengaging from that component anytime soon. Perhaps one day it saves my life.

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is it a case of the grass isn't greener afterall, so she wants you back? or is she just seeking a fwb situation?

 

has she even been single long enough to figure out what she wants? sounds like she goes from guy to guy to guy - yuck!

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I see two pitfalls here, around the notion of seriously entertaining the idea of reconcilliation.

 

First of all, I believe that for a reconcilliation to work, something more has to be present to make it STICK than just a mutually wistful, lustful and aching desire to relive, recreate and re-experience the chemistry and rapport. What also has to be in place is a full recognition of went wrong -- a full discussion of who played what part in the downfall, and what each person has come to learn about themselves in the meanwhile. As well as what each one is prepared to change, sacrifice or adjust that they weren't before. In other words, are you coming back together enlightened about the ways it went wrong and how not to fall into the same patterns? Is she prepared to allow you to live your social life without controlling you with her insecurities again? Has she reformed those ways? Are you convinced of that? Have you decided that you are willing to do things, on the flip side, that will not bring her to that point of insecurity? Is this even your responsibility? Who is responsible for what in this relationship, to make it work better this time around?

 

This is a full and maybe ongoing thing to explore with her in a serious fashion...and somehow I get the feeling that the fuel you're both going on now is high octane excitement, not reflection.

 

The second point is that it seems that part of the impetus for this on her part is dissatisfaction with her other beaus. It's not clear to me whether it's not working out with them because she can't get you out of her mind and you are shoes that are too big to fill...or whether she simply is not happy with anything she finds, and since it's always easier to look back with rose tinted glasses at something in the past and forget how it was not good at the time, this is a way for her to conjure up a sceanrio with you that makes her feel better right now. In other words, is she into you because she's into you, with everything that entailed, and is really wanting YOU back...or is she wanting the idea of you back, and the notion that if she just could get back some of the feelings she had with you, it would medicate her current feelings of disillusionment.

 

It's so easy to forget what wasn't right before just to escape what isn't right now. Anything but this present state of disappoinment becomes attractive once again. This is not to say that she isn't genuinely attracted to you, and that there's a spark, or that it's not enough to propel you both into a re-run of the high you had before. But nor does it mean that this amounts to a real shot at things being viable, as a relationship that is right for both of you.

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Worthwhile thoughts and contemplations Vamps. Thanks. I feel like I can talk myself out of any and every relationship, that every relationship is a paradox of sorts, so some maybe some of these questions posed bother me less then they should. What I do know is that I feel an affinity for her that goes well beyond simple lust or longing for the past, and I also recognize, just like with any relationship, why things might not work.

 

Anyway, things often, somehow, work better for me when I think less and not more about something. I think that's going to be my tactic going forward.

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Well, it sounds like you already kind of know what you want to do with this. Which is to just go with the flow of your feelings.

 

Fair enough.

 

I just personally find that re-entering a place that once caused me pain is a reason to think twice. Not just to worry for a moment, but to think about it (why I'm "spooked" and if that's my gut talking to me). That's just me.

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If you mean that I've made up my mind not to make up my mind then I agree.

 

 

Well, it sounds like you already kind of know what you want to do with this. Which is to just go with the flow of your feelings.

 

Fair enough.

 

I just personally find that re-entering a place that once caused me pain is a reason to think twice. Not just to worry for a moment, but to think about it (why I'm "spooked" and if that's my gut talking to me). That's just me.

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I don't see red flags.

She ended it because you weren't fully emotionally committed / connected due to a previous ex, not because she was necessarily no longer interested in you.

 

She hasn't just broken up with anyone, so isn't rebounding or seeking out something out of comfort.

 

You have had LC so its not like contact was totally out of the blue.

 

The problem with ENA as I think you are alluding, is that it gives us huge insight into the workings of many relationships; so much so that we almost get a sense of being able to predict how things will turn out for people. eg, don't contact her, she won't come back. It's too soon / too long. Oh she did? Well it won't last because you didn't heal first. Oh, it did work? Why didn't you post that too?

 

We can't predict. Every situation is unique. My humble suggestion would be to play it out, upping the ante a bit, and see what happens. Be you, and you can't really go wrong She seems pretty keen to me.

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I don't know... it seems like similar situations that Ive been in, as her instead of you. If I had 2 boyfriends at the same time, WHILE telling my ex that he was the one for me... it certainly does seem like the "grass is greener." However, that could be for many reasons. It doesnt mean the grass ISNT actually greener, she just sees it now... if that makes sense?

She sounds immature, and not really good for commitment. Id say talk to her about that issue. Say something along the lines of... "Look if you want me back... you need to break it off completely with these 2 guys, and dont lead them on after the fact. If you truly want me back, I need both of us to be single and friends for a bit" If she can handle that, and you're willing to give her exactly the same level of commitment... no canoodling with the ex's unless you two are just genuinely friends and that fact is very clear...

If you guys are friends for a while and neither of your eyes wander, then I would say its not out of dissatisfaction and fond memories that you want each other, and it's the real thing.

 

Oor, do what you feel is right. If your HEAD is saying trust her... then go for it... otherwise step carefully.

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