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How to keep things spicy over long distances?


BusyNAbroad

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How to keep things spicy in a relationship that is continued over long distance?

 

Summary of my story

I'm 22, she's 19. We knew each other in 'real life' 4 years ago (I wasn't very interested in her at that time...), didn't see each other since we're attending university in different countries now, but sporadically met each other again via internet (like once every 3-4 months, more or less), and during this summer things became a bit more intense. She seemed to be still infatuated with me (or the person she remembers me as) and after learning more about ourselves via chat, we started spilling out each others feelings, all kinds of sweet words... including erotic roleplay.

 

Unfortunately, due to some experiences of my past, I am extremely paranoid about women, and some of my previous posts regarding this same relationship have probably revealed how much sensitive I am to even subtle changes. This may be also simply because I am inexperienced and not used to the dynamics of a relationship (especially if it is long distance...):

I was extremely worried because she didn't reply to me via MSN chat, I felt really desperate when other guys commented her online photos (she has grown up into a beautiful woman now) and she thanked them... and while I thought she was "betraying" me or "playing with my feelings" (like a Maneater) - all the time I was simply torturing myself by myself.

 

I never told her about my paranoias... However, each time we speak again she tries to reassure me that she trusts me and that I need to trust her. We speak as if we're teenage lovers. And, unless she's a real actress, I'm the one who imagined all negative stories around her. Each time we speak again things seem to get deeper at an emotional level...

 

Distance is killing...

Nevertheless, I feel that there are a few unknown ingredients that need to be added to this story in order to spice it up.

I'm inexperienced. She has numerous admirers all over the world, including in the city where she studies now. She believes that I am also some kind of a "gift to women" who probably "gets to sleep around with so many girls" (or she just says it to make me feel )...

Deep inside I think that she might be thinking should we do this online thing when both I and him can have so much fun here and now, in 'real life'?"[/i]

 

What I'm trying to say is that, since the physical aspect of the relationship is almost entirely missing (except for the sexual roleplay), I am unclear about what kind of behavior and dynamics can keep this story alive over a longer period:

She has been infatuated for 4 years, and only during these months I have given her the clear message that I am reciprocating her feelings. I was a bit too romantic and - being paranoid and emotional - I still have that tiny bit of fear that by telling her too much I made her feel that she won me... and that now she might be taking me for granted, or even worse, that she might be losing interest...

e.g. from July to September she's the one who always euphorically greeted me whenever I logged on MSN chat, she always started making erotic innuendos that ended up in spicy conversations... whereas now we talk more about our lives, our activities, interests, and so on. Since 1-2 weeks she sometimes doesn't greet me unless I do (although when I do greet her, she still replies euphorically). This saddened me a little bit since I am very busy in this period, with university and other work, and I get to speak with her only every 24-48 hours... She used to always say "I miss you baby", even when I didn't say anything. Even when I was offline (sending offline messages)!! But now I'm the one who says it.

 

Perhaps all these dynamics are normal and healthy, but since I'm inexperienced I really don't know for sure...

 

My only aim so far is to keep things spicy until we meet again in real life.

 

What are the special ingredients?

Should I try to find more time to talk with her?

Should I send her a gift?

Or should I actually make myself more precious by talking less?

Should I start making casual references about my sexual escapades and other girl friends to make her jealous?

Should I write her a poem?

Or shall I disappear and see whether she starts looking for me... (But what if she doesn't? Oh, woe is me...) ?

 

I know that love is a game of "pull and let go" that also involves a bit of teasing... well, I'm inexperienced there and, especially when MSN chat is the only communication method, I would really appreciate some advice on how to spice up everything to keep her interested

 

Thanks!

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oh sorry. well, how about writing each other? i mean, good old fashioned letters? emails are cool..but letters..mean more. people have to put thought and effort into it. plus letters are like keepsakes. express your feelings in those letters, or be casual. take technology out of it if you can. so yeah MSN is cool, but try talking over the phone, or letters. to keep interest...i dont know... uh, try bringing up things that made both of you happy. kind of like a "teaser" to see each other again.

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Should I try to find more time to talk with her?

This may annoy her

Should I send her a gift?

Yes and make sure its thoughtful

Or should I actually make myself more precious by talking less?

You can do this but then its kinda playing games

Should I start making casual references about my sexual escapades and other girl friends to make her jealous?

If you want to lose her yes

Should I write her a poem?

This is probably the best Idea.

 

Example: I saw a shooting star last night so I called my g/f and told her in reminded me of her. She loved it.

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Should I write her a poem?

This is probably the best Idea.

 

Example: I saw a shooting star last night so I called my g/f and told her in reminded me of her. She loved it.

 

Oooh ... I'm not surprised, especially if you don't overdo the romantic stuff and it's heartfelt and not mushy ...

 

When I was a teenager, I used to be very cynical. About the world in general, but guys in particular. But even then, even then, I heard about this guy who asked his new girlfriend out into his garden 'Because I'd like my roses to see you!' and agreed with an equally cynical friend that we'd have married him on the spot!

 

And really, never ever try to make someone jealous in the hope that it'll make them love you. Though it's a very effective way of destroying trust!

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Hmmm... are you guys serious?

 

Could it be a cultural difference actually (I live in continental Europe)?

I always have the impression that women are generally more attracted toward guys who have relative attraction (= are attractive to other women as well).

 

And I also heard or read somewhere that a little bit of jealousy is healthy to provoke and tease a bit in the relationship, so that it gets a bit more playful and not boring/repetitive?

 

But then again, I was never in a relationship before so I don't know for sure...

 

EDIT: nbh, so you mean a cynical poem?

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Hmmm... are you guys serious?

 

Could it be a cultural difference actually (I live in continental Europe)?

I always have the impression that women are generally more attracted toward guys who have relative attraction (= are attractive to other women as well).

 

And I also heard or read somewhere that a little bit of jealousy is healthy to provoke and tease a bit in the relationship, so that it gets a bit more playful and not boring/repetitive?

 

But then again, I was never in a relationship before so I don't know for sure...

 

EDIT: nbh, so you mean a cynical poem?

 

You're probably right that most women are attracted to attractive men but there's a world of difference between observing that members of the opposite sex are attracted to your SO (you should see the flocks of shameless hussies who descend on my fella whenever I turn my back at a party!) and them deliberately provoking jealousy.

 

Think about it - did the fact that someone you were interested in was messaging other guys make you want to get involved more deeply, or did it scare you? Maybe some people would find it exciting and a challenge - but there are much, much nicer ways of making your relationship exciting!

 

And I'm sure you're much too nice to write a cynical poem ... just be yourself!

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@nutbrownhare

If I think about it properly, the very fact that she was messaging with other guys did make me worry about her, which still means that I think more about her, try to understand whether she really likes me, work more on "getting her back". Otherwise I would have probably taken her words and emotions for granted...

 

As you say, certain people are like that - they want to be a prize that must be earned and not a free gift! I am not sure that this applies to my case, but I cannot exclude it since it is quite commonplace in human culture as far as I know. I am not hinting that I believe this is the "right way" to true love and emotions, but that it may simply be a custom, a tradition, that is entirely natural to certain people - and (hopefully) may not entail anything negative.

 

Anyway, I think I found my own way to keep her excited, though I am still a bit unsure whether it can last for long: joking with her, joking about her, teasing a bit (in a good sense), bringing in some laughter that is also relaxing...

 

I do feel that every day I talk to her I must create something new. Every day a new challenge. I don't know whether this is true love. But at least I am enjoying it so far.

 

Nevertheless, I am open to more advice and feedback about how to keep things exciting.

 

I still believe that my tight schedule is one of the main risky elements that may harm the potential relationship.

So yeah... I am indeed jealous about all other guys that get to talk to her when I am studying or at work

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Okay. Got that?

 

Also, sending little gifts randomly. Random texts like "thinking of you" "hope your day is going well".

 

And, don't neglect communication. Sure, you are talking all the time because there is nothing else to do, but are you actually talking? Without affection, you need to reassure her with words. Don't assume she knows.

 

Give them space. Weird, eh? But, LDRs can smother. You have to let them go out with their friends. Encourage them to, actually. Let them know that you are secure and that you trust them.

 

9 times out of 10, people break up in LDRs due to insecurities. Don't let it get to you.

 

And lastly, always call on time when you say you will. Or, if you can't, let them know you'll be running a little late on a call.

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