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o so cliche right?


saygoodnite

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I know that most of you will probably think that I'm just another whiner about life and I don't blame you for that but seriously I really need to find someone that will understand. For almost my whole life I have always had depression problems that I never tried to fix or treat. Since I was around 5 or 6 I was a loner and had frequent thoughts of disappearing or dying because I believe that nobody needs me and I'm just a burden...that no one will notice that I'm gone or miss me when I die. Just recently that memory was brought out of my mind by one of my only friends that would even bother to listen to me as it was one of my uncovered repressed memories. Growing up I've noticed my frequent thoughts of worthlessness and suicide, the guilt and daily crying fits, the lonely days and the need to feel loved. For the past 3 years I've turned to self-injury from cutting to drugs and I just can't stop!

Life: I feel like nothing will come out of my life and everything will always go against me no matter what (how typical right?). It's like I'm not meant to feel content and if something ever goes great for me the situation does a 180 and I'm crashing to the ground. In the end, I end up having extreme anxiety when I find something good in my life that I can never appreciate it.

Friends: I feel like all they want is to use me and could care less about my well being. Today, I was thinking about the word "love" and how supposed friends throw it around that it has lost all meaning to me. "Oh! you know I love you girl!" God! I hate it when people say that because I know that behind those words there is nothing. They say it to you then they say it to 50 other people and it loses all worth. I feel that most of my 'friends' are only friends with me just so they can have to social kudos to be seen walking around me because I'm one of the few that stick out in the crowded halls. I am one of those girls that dresses out of the ordinary with black crazy highlighted choppy hair, wearing mostly black and contrasting bright colors... basically what is called emo or the scene look. There is no caring just the benfit of saying - "Yeah, I'm friends with that weird chick over there".

Family: My brothers are either extremely shy with barely any friends or mister popular but like me hides behind a mask that covers depression. My parents are either strict and hide their emotions or have a history of depression. They never showed any interest in my life and are hardly home. That's all that I want to reveal about my family. What a bright household right?

Love: It's the one thing I crave the most but believe it doesn't exist. Looking around me I feel disgusted by the media advertising love as nothing but a physical relationship of kisses and sex. I want to find a person that sees me as their one and only, someone I can talk to, connect to, run away to.... I want to feel loved, wanted, and cared for. Most people think I'm crazy to want marriage before sex these days and i can't stand it. Now, I've had 2 close almost relationships. I won't tell the whole story but the first i have never gotten over because I feel it's my fault that this boy fell into the deepest hole of drugs. I felt so guilty but people said it wasn't even my fault but I never stopped blaming myself. Honestly, he was the whole reason I ended up turning to drugs because I felt that I needed to punish myself for hurting him. The second was b/c of the 1st - I feel like a jerk and you don't have to ridicule me for it because I know I hurt him and I feel that i should be punished- basically, I actually thought I loved him but in truth I was using him to get over the 1st guy but i could never do that. This goes back to my theory of that everything good comes out to be horribly wrong and I hurt myself and others. Haha, and I'll just throw in one of my most recent crushes that just got a gf but he is actually one of those one of a kind guys that are deep and wants true love too. That's all I'll say about that.

Those 4 categories have been completely condensed as much as possible so that's not the whole story for each and not even all the topics but the post would be too long. Honestly, I've always been one to bottle up my emotions because I know that nobody really wants to discuss such dreary topics of melancholy. In school I put on this happy mask all the time just so I will be accepted but on the inside I feel like a fake. When people ask me why I don't just be myself I usually answer : " Think about it. If I were depressed and dark 24/7 would you even bother being my friend?" and that's when they don't answer and usually drop the subject- everytime. Even today, when I dared to be myself because I couldn't even find the strength to put on the mask all my friends refused to talk or look me in the eye...just stare and whisper when they thought i wasn't paying attention. I even lost friends already because they don't want to know the real me and that hurts me so much when my "friends" abandon me. The others... most people avoid me in the halls b/c they think I look sad or angry in the hall but I can't help if that's what I'm feeling. Some people already hate me and I don't even know them just because of the way I look( mostly other girls)! I can see it in their eyes when they look over at me with contempt. I hate society but I guess it's just life right?

I don't exactly know what I'm looking for and I'm scared to get any medical help or anything. I'm not perfect and I know that I don't deserve a happy ending but that doesn't mean I don't want 1. I know I can hardly talk to anybody except for my brother who is gone in his own life now. Maybe i just want to feel that someone understands or maybe I just needed to vent ](*,)but the last thing I want is pity.

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Saygoodnite, I can relate quite a bit to your post. From the way you describe yourself, it sounds like you're still in high school. I went through quite heavy depression at that time of my life as well.

 

I never made myself stand out, but I always seemed to. Ever notice that one guy that sits by himself, never asks for help, and just kind of pops up? That one guy that everyone talks ABOUT but no one talks TO, and all of a sudden there are 50 rumors about? That one guy that barely does ANYTHING, and yet wins over all of his teachers, and still has 0 friends?

 

That was me. I was that guy. And it tore my feeling of self-worth and my confidence apart.

 

No one bothered to talk to me or return any attempt at contact I made, unless they wanted something like answers. Girls used me to get anything they wanted and never gave anything in return. Eventually, I just stopped speaking at school. Over 4 years I spent at school and did not speak to another student.

 

I hated life. I wanted to just disappear through any means necessary. I was under too close of a microscope at home to try anything extreme like drugs, though.

 

What I found, after it was all over, is that I actually put myself into that cell. Yeah, school was pretty awkward. But I could have made it different somehow. So once I got to college, I found that people were treating me the same way. Instead of hiding though, I'd look them dead in the eye when I knew they were staring, and ask them a completely random question.

 

I was sitting in Sociology one morning, and this girl stared at me for like 4 minutes straight. Her friends couldn't stop laughing, so I knew I was being made into a spectacle. I looked right at her, smiled, and asked if she'd like to go to coffee with me sometime, as she must think I'm cute with all the staring she was doing. She turned bright red, stuttered something about needing paper, and then looked the other way.

 

Her friends laughed so hard, so I asked them all the same question. I suggested a study group for all of us, since they seemed so interested in me. And we actually met and did a study group.

 

Awkward? Incredibly. But I took control of the situation.

 

The point of this post is to point out that you can completely turn your suspicion into something different. If your friends want something to talk about, give it to them. But don't make it about you, if that will make you uncomfortable. Change things up a bit (you sound extreme, try normal for a day) and blow them away with kindness. See if they change their tune at all.

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Why do you say that you don't deserve a happy ending? Of course you deserve one, especially because of all that sadness you experienced your whole life and you seem like such a nice person. Don't put yourself down so much. Try to keep your mind busy by taking up a hobby you'd like. Busy mind = very good because it takes your mind off of being sad.

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It sounds like you are in high school. I'm 37 - I felt much the same way in high school back in the 1980s. I also did drugs and I had a hard time fitting in. I never did the cutting thing - ouch!

 

I hope that you will find a way to come out of your shell. When I was your age, I found a way to do that: some friends and I started a band. You sound like a creative young lady - maybe you could get busy on art of some kind?

 

You'll feel better if you try to get really good at things that are difficult to do: art, music, writing, etc.

 

Also, I hope that you will stay away from hard drugs like meth, cocaine, heroin, inhalants, etc. Please! That stuff is not good for you.

 

You are worth something - You are worth a lot! I have a daughter who is in eighth grade. She is somewhat close to your age. I love her so much. You remind me a bit of her because she is also into the darker things and is depressed sometimes, especially about boys.

 

Remember that what the kids at your school think of you doesn't really matter. Also, I doubt they really hate you as much as you think they do. Kids in high school are sometimes cruel, but one thing I can tell you is that being an adult is much more fun! You have a lot to look forward to. For one thing, adults aren't usually as cruel over petty things. I take the train to work a lot of the time and I meet all kinds of interesting people and they are usually very nice - even if they are older or younger than me.

 

Plus, a REAL career that you love is so so much better than school ever was. Sometimes it isn't easy - even work you love can have challenges, but I wouldn't go back to high school for anything.

 

You have a whole magical adventure in front of you. So does ever single other kid at your high school. Try to have patience and understanding for them - but also for yourself. You are a wonderful girl. Don't forget that.

 

If what you want is to wait on sex until marriage, I know there are guys out there who are fine with that! I know there is someone who will really love you. Believe it - he's waiting for you. It might be a while, though.

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sometimes a yardstick is not long enough to measure a space, and sometimes a ruler maybe more than enoughh. eh, what jargon.

your entry, o not that cliche once it hits you that this place is called enotalone and that our feelings are not that different from one another. opinions, experiences, words of wisdom, perhaps, slightly. we exist under the necessary and false pretense that our reality is most correct, but i hope, after sticking around it may shape your view of the world.

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Yes i am in high school for only 1 more year and I am hoping that the years to come will be more optimistic for me. The way you described yourself in your high school years was basically my life in elementary school to my fishie days- withdrawn and no friends that i could rely on. I started socializing only in my sophomore year b/c I was tired of being alone for so many years in my childhood--> Somewhat successful if I wasn't so unsure about my friends and what they want from me. Now what you're saying about me to try being normal and kind, I am not a mean person I promise you! Sure I dress out of the ordinary and prefer to see the world as the unforgiving world it is but I do try to make my friends smile no matter what except for yesterday even if I can't share in their happiness. My belief is that I should always make the people around me happy even if it leaves me in the dark because I live by giving and refuse to receive. Lately I feel that people are taking advantage of my nice rules and expect me to give them what they want with not so much as a simple thank you or kind gesture or words that would make me feel less worthless. I want to get angry at them but I can't hurt anybody in fear that they will leave me. Honestly, I have no self-esteem and have problems if Im left alone. I need my "friends" even if they treat me like crap just so I can feel that somebody wants me around.

 

 

 

That's what I was hoping to find in this place- people I can relate to. where I'm living it seems that everyone is living in this eden of some sort that i was never invited to. everyone refuses to see the world as anything but a big wonderful playground where everything is perfect for them. Seriously, I was talking to this one chick and she said that her life was perfect and she had everything she wanted and trust me this was that one type of person that had a horrible attitude and stepped on everybody like they where ants. Yeah, all I'm looking for is some insight since my opinion of the world is not set in stone.

 

 

 

Now, I would like to say that i'm almost off of drugs but i still have a knack for turning to that blade for some reason.

 

Taking up a hobby is what I've usually done to try to get my mind off of things but it kind of feeds my depression actually. I draw a lot and have a sketch book wherever I go in my bag but it's filled with not so happy images and negative thoughts that are swimming in my brain. I also write stories that are somewhere online that I posted and the people that review it are really freaked out about some of the ideas that are in there ( but they can't wait for more hehe). Poetry seems to be such a beautiful talent that I like to dip into every so often but every time I write it's tainted with my dark thoughts like everything else. Now I'm getting more into learning guitar b/c i want to apply some poetry and writing with music so I can write a few songs maybe. Unfortunately, these hobbies have been less comforting for me and I don't find the usual pleasure I used to get out of them which adds to my list of symptoms for depressing (my God!) All i ever want to do now is lay down and stare at the ceiling or something worse (if you get my drift).

 

yet, you say that being an adult is more fun and less cruel among peers. I work at a medical office as an intern and the workers there seem just as back stabbing and cruel as high school. Lately, I've heard some talk bad about this one person and when that "one person" is around they're all like omg I love you! They even laugh at her own medical conditions and blame it on her stupidity. Even today I heard them talking about how the nightshift people called in a false accusation to the feds on another worker just because they didnt like him and wanted him fired. The list of examples go on there but you get why I don't necessarily agree with you.

 

Now NYC is my second home since I was born there and visit every month and want to go to college there. The city is a lonely place if you don't know anybody and people realize what it means to say that you are alone in a crowded room. Nevertheless, I feel that perhaps I will find more people that I can relate to there since it's more diverse.

 

Yes boys do make me depressed since I am a teenager but its not the only thing of course. I hope you are right about me finding that special someone waiting for me out there. I'm so scared of being left alone that I fear relationships now since I hurt everyone that ever came close to me one way or another. Even if he isn't the real one I want to find someone now that I can just feel happy with and that I can talk to-someone that would hold me if I'm sad but not go to far and take advantage of me but that sounds so cheezy and surreal doesnt it?.

 

 

 

Like I said to Punk bf I have been trying to keep myself busy with my hobbies but now it seems like my depression is finally getting the best of me these last few years. I can't really accept that i will have a happy ending seeing how everything is going wrong for me now. Everytime I think that I will run into something good I get punched in the face and knocked down to the ground. Ive notice how bad my self-esteem is now and how i can't even accept a simple compliment. "You look beautiful", "you're so smart", or even a " hey, my friends think you're hot" mean nothing to me b/c i know that people are just being nice since they know how weak I am. I wish I can agree with those comments but when I look in the mirror all I see is a failure and freak. In psychology, statistics show that people who have the looks are more likely to be hired or get promotions than those with better qualifications but are average or below in their appearance. And we all know who gets the relationship trophy. Yeah, I'm so whiny and I'm so sorry but it's how I've been for so long. My only solace now is the job of making those around me happy just so I know that at least one of us can smile.

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How come you're against going to a doctor to talk about your depression? It's nothing to be ashamed of...I hope you realize that. If you've been having these issues since you were 5 or 6 years old I think it's worth exploring. Some people that are depressed have a chemical imbalance in their brain and can be helped by antidepressants, for others therapy can help, but it's certainly worth finding out.

 

The fact that you no longer get enjoyment from some of the things you previously liked is a sign of depression. Wouldn't you like to be able to turn that around? If you are clinically depressed, the earlier you receive treatment, the better the outcome...I really hope you will speak to your doctor.

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