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trying to be flexible... but i know i am sad


phoenix999

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i met up with my ex, we broke up for a week and he contacted me. he said he still loved me, i still love him, so we patched up. after that, i don't believe him as much anymore, which is good for me. i also feel that he doesn't love me as much anymore.

 

i just continue seeing him. knowing that he doesn't love me as much hurts, but if i break up totally, i can't take it. he is still nice to me, and even said he will change certain of his ways because he knows i am changing myself to make things work. that is nice to hear, although i do not want to have any high expectation.

 

oh well, i am beginning to think that if love dies, i have to accept it and take whatever he is willing to give me. if i have no power over him, i cannot force it, the only thing i can do is leave. if i can't bring myself to leave, i just eat my humble pie.

 

i would never know that i would be reduced to this. i guess i am addicted to the emotional attachment i had with him. he is not treating me too badly, just slightly reduced love. of course, i even doubt that love now. i feel that life is short, i don't want to be so calculative, i am trying to enjoy whatever good times we could have together. but i know it is because i can't take the devastating breaking up. is like stabbing myself with a knife. his love may die totally one day, although he kept saying how much he loves me. i guess i could only bring myself to let him go when he said he doesn't love me anymore.

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THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!

 

We stared to date April 27th. We broke up a few times in between but we officially broke up Aug 22. On Aug 29 we spoke and discussed changes that needed to happen if we were to continue our relationship. He said he loved me, he'd change, etc etc. Well, here it is, Oct 14, and I just broke up with him because I became even unhappier with him.

 

Time apart doesn't fix things. Talking doesn't fix things. Saying "I'll change!" doesn't change anything. The only thing that cam make someone do what they need to do is themselves.

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mmm.... first was i caught him on the net looking for women, that totally destroy my trust. but he had explained he felt stressed and was just chatting. i did chat sometimes with strangers too ( very rare ), so i decide to close one eye and forgive and forget.

 

after this incident, i dare not trust him anymore. i listened to his sweet words but deep inside, i won't believe 100%.

 

maybe i am now very senstive and negative, maybe time can prove that he is serious about me. but i choose to be prepared that he will betray me one day. it is also because i read some books that say " if a man seems to good to be true, then there is definitely more to it." being madly in love had made me a stupid woman, now i try to climb out of it and use my brain more. self protection. but i am still stupid, i don't trust him but still having unprotected sex with him. i will see to this...

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THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!

 

hi sweetie, i read your thread. yes, similar.

 

i used to asked him why why why in details anything that doesn't make sense or please me or show he doesn't love me. i stop doing this because i am so tired. maybe i am not right to keep asking and get mad.

 

so now, i learn to let go. things may change for the better slightly if i lower down my expectation. expections make me unhappy. i am soooo tired. i still love him, i hate it, but i can't bring myself to leave.

 

i hide my feelings from him too, i don't complain anymore, nothing good comes out of that.

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At this point, I would say that spending time with him is not going to make things any better. I would make a decision to be on my own right now, and give this some space.

 

Since you're afraid that not being together will make the love he has for you "die", as you stated, I believe being apart will give him a chance to see if he has feelings for you.

 

Also, you need to look out for yourself right now, and if there's a lack of trust, ask yourself is this is all worth it to you.

 

Wishing you the best...

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Since you're afraid that not being together will make the love he has for you "die", as you stated, I believe being apart will give him a chance to see if he has feelings for you.

 

I totally agree with HeartGoesOn.

 

Someone here on ENA has a great quote on their signature line that reads:

 

Absense does for love what wind does for flame. It extinguishes the weak and feeds the strong.

 

That hits the nail on the head.

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phoenix, you have to look out for yourself. you mentioned you aren't sure if he is faithful, but you're still having unprotected sex with him. this is dangerous. you know this, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it. it's bad to let him play with your heart and emotions, but it could be more deadly to let him give you something that could make you sick.

 

i know how hard it is to let an ex go... i'm sick over it every day, and i still think i'm doing a terrible job of it. but you know what? we're all going through the same thing here. we can support each other and we can grow from the hurt. you and i have talked and i think we both realize we need to love ourselves more and get our priorities right as to how much crap we are willing to take from these exes... that's the best (if not only) good thing that the break ups can give us. post on here when you want to call him! private message me instead! i hate seeing you hurt so much with all the yo-yoing that he's doing to you.

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thanks everyone for your advices.

 

just now i met him and had a heart to heart talk. we cleared up some issues. he said he was cold to me for two weeks because he couldn't meet some of my expectations and he felt upset. on my side, i feel that a lot of times i got upset easily and he couldn't take it anymore.

 

actually i had forgiven him on the website issue, he is not seeing anyone right now. he was just chatting and he said he won't do it anymore since i don't like it. instinct wise, i feel that he is telling the truth and he does love me.

 

my bf is a very proud and egoistic man, he took the initiative to look for me, if i continue NC, i know i will lose him forever, this i am not prepared yet.

 

i will take things slow and see how things go. if i feel that he is really not worthy somewhere down the road, i will let go slowly. i will even go to the extent of pretending to love him when i am actually letting go. but right now, i can feel that we love each other, do i will continue again, but be wary.

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Well one of the reasons trust is the hardest thing in a relationship is because you can hurt and be hurt if you have it. But it is necessary. I completely understand that you are weary to go on in a relationship with your bf. I have felt the same in the past myself. But the advice I would give, is that this can really damage the relationship and instead of protecting you, it can end up hurting you.

In order for this to work you really have to forgive and forget these things. Part of forgetting is never bringing up this past things with him chatting online, not even during an argument (hard I know). Also, it is working together to mend the past and making a promise to yourself and him that it won't be in the way of bonding together and trusting one another. Otherwise this relationship won't be fully real or as strong. When you encounter problems again, it will be a lot more likely that those problems will tear you two apart.

 

When you decided to start this relationship up again, you decided to move on with him and look forward to the future. A big part of this is completely letting go of the grudges. I know it is painful, and easier to protect yourself but it isn't fair for you or him to do this disservice to your relationship together.

 

If you are distant and even pretend to feel something you don't, the other person will know in the relationship. If you don't speak your feelings and your not vulnerable, they will know this too. He already told you he was looking because he was feeling distant, because he couldn't meet your expectations. That tells me, he knows when you are unhappy with him and the relationship.

 

I would advise you to really start over, and if you end up getting hurt again, do not blame yourself. Know you are a strong person for being able to trust, and a whole person that is able to trust, even if you know it may end up hurting you.

 

I really wish you two the best!

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hi Kmae, thanks for you advice and time. yes, i get what you mean. indeed, no one is perfect, this is what i think. sometimes when things don't go well, i have the urge to know someone new, at least as a friend. i don't have any guy friend because of bf, he is a jealous man. but he isn't seeing any woman friend too, that is why he chat online when he is upset. actually our real problem is communication problem, i don't want to go into details here, because we would be going in circles like if he loves me, he would do this. i realise that things don't always go the way we want, if not nobody needs to break up. thanks everyone, i feel warmth in the forum.

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It is hard to not be able to have other guy friends. I moved to my city with my bf about a year ago and we really didn't get to know that many other people and when we did find friends, they were other couples. So I know what you mean about wanting to talk to other people. It is really hard when things are feeling distant. You seem to have a good grasp of what is going on and I hope things only get better for you two from here on.

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