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I would usually never think of posting my problems online to a bunch of strangers but! i am desperate and i am not quite sure where else to turn.

 

first a little bit of background: i have been with my boyfriend for over two years. in the beginning of our relationship, he would always have to coax me into talking about our "problems" (i would always stay quiet if something was wrong). also in the beginning of our relationship, i did not show any emotion, for fear of being one of those clingy girlfriends; the type that is always kissing her boyfriend, telling him how much she misses him, never letting him breathe, gets jealous, etc. but, i guess i took that to the extreme and it is something i really regret.

 

over the years he has told me that i need to become better at showing emotion. aside from my fear of being "one of those girls", i am not a very affectionate person by nature. i told him this but i also told him i wanted to get better.

 

now i feel that our relationship is lacking emotion on his side. we call each other nicknames, give each other kisses/hugs, etc. but he is never the first one to tell me that he likes me. whereas i never used to say it before (or rarely) i have been trying to say it more now. but i am always the first. even when i say it, he never says it back. he just says a little inside joke of ours that kind of let's me know he likes me too but other than that, nothing. if i didn't say it to him, i dont think he would say it to me. i wouldnt mind if he occasionally used our inside joke to tell me that he likes me, but when it's all the time, that reinforcement just isn't there and sometimes i don't know where i stand. that makes it hard for me to continue giving emotion. i need that reciprocation.

also, my boyfriend and i are in a long distance relationship, though we are not far from each other. we see each other every weekend and spend all of the summer together. we talk every day, SEVERAL times a day, and occasionally we chat on AIM. though we do see each other the majority of the weekends, there are some weekends when it doesn't happen. usually it is his choice. he's made other plans, he's going somewhere, he's doing his hobby, whatever. i never want to stop him from seeing his friends or doing what he loves, but sometims when he tells me he won't be able to see me, he acts like he doesn't even care. when i ask him, "so i'm not going to see at all this weekend?" he gets upset and tells me to "stop." and then quickly tries to change the subject. he thinks that i need to spend every minute with him, and that's not the case. i have told him that over and over and he refuses to believe it.

i would not get so bent out of shape about weekends if he invited me along once in a while. he never invites me to hang out with his friends. NEVER. i have hung out with him and his friends a total of three times the entire time we've been dating. i dont expect to go EVERY TIME he hangs out with his friends because i KNOW that guys need their time alone. but sometimes it's not just a guys night. it's parties...it's get togethers. i know that guys may need their "alone partying time" but i find it funny that there's not ONE TIME when i am able to come. i tell him this and he says that it's awkward for everyone else because it's like being around a "married couple". i asked him if he was embarrassed of me or if he didn't invite me along because he wanted to act available to other girls. that made him mad and the conversation ended there.

 

i want to keep trying to talk to him about things but it never goes well. he never wants to talk about it and at the end of the conversation, the blame usually ends up being put on me, even though i KNOW i did nothing wrong. i dont want to become the type of girlfriend who always wants her boyfriend to spend time with her, but that's how he's seeing me. is it a lost cause? what do his actions (or lack thereof) say? should i try communicating again?

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i've seen that communication is always key.

maybe he's not the kind of guy to like much attention...so, thats it? try not to be too pushy, or it'll turn bad. i know the pushy part, i played it a bunch of times without realizing.

maybe he's not ready for you to meet his friends? maybe he's too shy about a "girl" with his "guy friends"? how old are you two, btw?

sorry to say, maybe theres another girl in the mix? i mean if he acts all defensive about it, that might be the case.

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Generally speaking, we choose people who are comfortable with the same level of intimacy as we are. Some people choose partners who are emotionally distant, and then try to change them - but ignore the fact that actually it was the distance that made them feel 'safe' in the first place. This is why your bf told you that you need to get better about showing emotions, and then distanced himself a bit - what HAS stayed the same is the distance between you, whoever was doing the distancing or pursuing.

 

That said, the fact that he never wants to go to parties with you, I would find very worrying. Why does he consider it awkward for everyone else being around a 'married couple'? To be honest, it sounds as though he goes to parties advertising himself as a single person - as you said, to be available to other girls - and the fact that he went mad when you suggested it makes it sound all the more likely.

 

It does take time to meet partners' friends at the start of a relationship - but he should have got over that after two years! At the moment, he's got the best of both worlds - being single in the company of his friends, but also having you in the background when there's nothing else going on. You're not going to be able to change him. But you could ask yourself what you can do to make YOURSELF happier - for instance, can you take the time when you're not together to pursue your own interests, and hang out with your own friends?

 

You don't say how old you are, but think about whether you'd be better off in this relationship or setting out on your own.

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Trying to figure things out can be a real challenge.

 

LDR makes things even more difficult. Not sure how far away you two are indeed away from each other, but it appears to be challenging.

 

The best thing you can do is plan your own time. You need to get yourself in check. Make sure you are into you. (Does that make sense?). The more you push towards him the more distance that is becoming. Let him make the first move. Dont call unless you have some real news to talk about. Let him invite you down. Or let him coordinate a date with you. Throttle down a bit and see what happens.

 

You can't force anyone to get into you. You can't control their thoughts or behaviors. You can only control, you. Get back into yourself. Get back in touch with your social friends and start planning your time as well.

 

Just be pleasant and fun when your bf does call and see each other. No petty decisions. If you make plans for a weekend, and he calls, keep with your original plans. Tell him to give you a bit more notice next time and you wont make other plans.

 

Good luck, however you decide to respond. And however you respond will be the right way for you.

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