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Emotionally Unavailable


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Long story short, my girl of over a year broke up with me about 3 months ago. What f'd me in the long run was ignoring all the red flags. I realized that she might have some emotional problems from the beginning. Her string of boyfriends, all of which end the same way. She's never been dumped. Two bf's before me, they were engaged and she called off the wedding. About a month into the rel. Pretty much always does the rebound thing. I found some scars on her arms from cutting. Then she drops the bomb on me. When she was a child, a close family friend pretty much molested her. Her parents, instead of doing anything, moved the fam down here. Deep down inside I knew she was a great person so I decided to stick with it. The year we were together was great. Minimal to no fights, great times etc. She then dumps me because she said she wasn't happy. She said she didn't want to be with anyone else and just needed to concentrate on work. 2 weeks later shes in another rel. She said she wanted to be friends but I think she's full of it. No contact on her end the whole time and, honestly, I really don't think i'll ever hear from her again. I still think about her and miss what we had.I just don't get how someone could just all of a sudden change and become so cold and distant. It's like what we had was just a crazy dream that still haunts me. I've accepted the fact that it's done, but I still have all these questions that I know will never be answered. My question to you guys is, has anyone ever been in similar situations? I guess my theory is that she just wasn't emotionally there due to her past. Of course I wasn't the perfect bf, but then again who is? Do they ever call or do they just keep running away fro problems?

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all i can say is WOW. same thing im going through.

it might just be because of her past...but for me, i just cant give up. i cant leave. although its CLEAR she has chosen to move on from me, despite all my actions.

all my friends say to move on and forget about her. and thats best. maybe there might just be one day she remembers you, but for now, you cant stay hung up on it.

maybe its the way she is. ive come to realize you cant really change someone from the way they are...only they can, and time. you can "help" them realize, but that might not end up well.

moving on sucks and its so damn hard. but the questions you have..i guess only she can answer. Have you tried asking her? i mean, straight up? tell her you need to know as a friend, for closure?

same boat im in. hang in there. you can always be a friend.

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I've been through that 3 times. You have to let them go, but you are left wanting to understand.

 

What happens is that when the relationship reaches a certain closeness threshold, all of the old issues come up. That happens in all relationships, but for someone with that level of unresolved trauma it is overwhelming to them. It goes beyond what they feel like they can deal with, and the natural reaction is to try to reduce the discomfort by moving to another situation of some kind. They stay in denial about it, and rarely overcome it. It is possible, but very unusual. And it takes many, many years.

 

It's normal to want to help but you can't. It's normal to have the good memories replay. The reality is, this person cannot maintain a relationship beyond a certain point, and we have to learn to be less attached to the fantasy of what we thought the future might be with this person. Treat it as a lesson in learning not to be attached to your desires or your love. Learn to be comfortable letting go of love. It's the grasping at it that hurts.

 

What I have learned over time, is that the best thing you can give to someone who has these things to deal with is your complete absense. And that is what we wish for people when we are in love as well, the best for them. In that way, for me at least, I have found a kind of resolution.

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Well, we aren't speaking at the moment. Every time i've asked for closure, she's said she doesn't know what else she can say. She says she's doing what she thinks is best. Moving on is really hard. Friends are great in situations like this but they really don't understand. It's easy to say move on but for me it's really hard because I love her. Knowing that nothing I can do or say will change her mind is really hard. Right now, I just live my life and go with the notion that she will never come back. Nights are tough. I put my best face forward for everyone but in my mind there is a struggle. I've had many opportunities since her and nothing has made me feel better. It just goes to show that i'm not ready yet. I know time is the only healer. I guess i;m just mad at myself for not running like my instincts said to at the beginning. I thought I could help. I thought I could show her that I would be by her side no matter what. I just feel like another number right now.

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She's never dealt with her issues. It took a lot of courage on her part to tell me about and I never brought it up afterwards. She said her parents just picked up and moved. I asked her if she ever saw anyone to help and she said no. She said she just pushes it down and doesn't think about it. I think the effects of the incident rear it's ugly head from time to time. She used to have a drinking problem but it never really effected her life. She's almost 25 and is almost done with her phD. Super smart, caring girl. I'm not placing all the blame on that though, I think there were things I could have done better. I don't blame her for breaking up with me because no one should be in a rel. if they aren't happy. I'm just trying to figure out how someone can just forget about someone. How they become so cold and distant as if we never existed at all. I also think a rel. after 2 weeks is kind of absurd too.

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People who were molested and never dealt with it often become very anxious in intimate relationships. This has very little to do with you. You said she has a pattern of dumping people when it gets serious . She will bring her issues into every relationship she has. She may be using these relationships to not feel the pain of her childhood, when something triggers her the feelings from childhood coming up, she bolts. She need to learn coping skills to be able to address the child hood pain.

None of this has much to do with you other than if you attract this kind of women in your life? Look at your past GF's , do they have similar histories? What kind of women do you attract to yourself? What kind of women do you want to attract ?

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I think for thoes who have not dealt with their issues, this might be the case. I never found myself emotionally unavailable even though I was abused.

 

I also had severe trauma in my past, but didn't become emotionally unavailable. I think in many ways, my parents were there for me at an early age. What I think happens with some whose parents are just checked out for whatever reason when they are very young, is they become numb to close attachments, but also seek to heal the rift. When you add severe unresolved trauma on top of that it gets even harder to realize what is really going on. How they forget is that they don't really experience heartbreak. They learned to be numb to heartbreak at a very young age when their parents were not there for them. This is proven and accepted psychology called theory of attachment.

 

Take a look at the thread I posted earlier on loneliness. Don't even try to move on right now. You can use this experience to expand yourself..it doesn't have to be as awful as you may think. That you are able to experience heartbreak is a good thing. Don't put too much stock in her words, that it is 'best'. For her, it really is the worst thing she can do. She is acting out her feelings, rather than taking responsibility for her problems. For you, the best thing you can do is disappear and learn to be comfortable with the letting go of attachment. In a strange way, the best thing for us to do in these situations is the exact opposite of what we feel compelled towards.

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Oh my this is the exact scenario I am dealing with. Terrible blues now 5 months after the b/u and my girl is exactly as described, running away, can't deal with the good closeness, chosen someone unavailable, in denial about it, never been to therapy for her childhood abuse, borderline traits.

 

I pray, every day and in the middle of the night, something triggers her to change her pattern and come home... My pain is getting overwhelming.

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My ex is like this, many unresolved painful issues from childhood. He chooses women ( me at one time ) who are depressed or grieving or addicted to drugs, IE people who can;t move forward in a relationship , out of our own issues. Once I was not feeling depressed and wanted to talk about where we were going , he needed to move on.

Being able to feel our own pain ( from childhood or where ever) is essential to having a healthy relationship. Then we are available to feel other people's pain without having to run away or bury it in another relationship. It's a sign of development that did not get attended to. We will naturally learn to feel our own pain if the environment supports that. Or we will bury in underneath dysfunctional relationships, drug use, bad eating habits, etc...

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Add me to the list of all of us dealing with the quick (yet predictable) retreat of a BPD partner. Mine was diagnosed. Doesn't make it any easier though. It's been four months since mine abruptly ended things after four years. Sooooo much pain to work through. The short story, however, is that the two of you simply don't exist in the same reality.

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She has some symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Have you ever heard of it? If not, you might want to read about it.

 

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Yeah, this pretty much sums up everything. It really makes a lot of sense. The whole situation is disheartening though. It's almost like falling in love with a brick wall.

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I just had the same type of girl, minus the molestation and the drinking issues. Meets me randomly, breaks up with boyfriend of three years a month later, and is a relationship with me after three weeks of dating. Goes out with me for four months, I fall for her despite a few rough patches, then she decides she wants to be single for once, cut loose and date around. Still wanted to be friends. I shot that idea down. Dates some other guy, and as of this week is already commited to him. Same exact stuff.

 

I feel you man. I truly do. Every relationship to her is a rebound. She's never clearheaded. Even though she's with this other guy, she still makes attempts to contact me, stalks my myspace (32 views in a week.) Her ex was still in the back of her head when she was with me and I am in her head when she is with him. I know you loved her, and I loved this girl too, but we just gotta face the fact that these types of girls are bridge burners. My ex doesn't really have any friends except for her sisters and their friends, one sister who is married and a sister in-law. She CAN'T be alone, otherwise without a guy fawning over she truly is ALONE. Deep down she has a good heart, but she has something to say about everyone's appearance, or how they talk, or how " * * * * * " they are. She's the best thing since sliced bread in her own mind, and she lost friends because of it, and without a boyfriend, she would go to work, and then sit in her parents house by herself.

 

Point being, these girls don't know what they want. I think the only reason she stayed with her ex for so long was because of the guaranteed financial security. They get themselves attached only to a certain point and then withdraw and turn the tables on you. "Everything is going to fast" or "You're too pushy" Believe you me, there's nothing you can do. You can slow s**t down, see them once or twice a week instead of five, but once the idea is in their head, there's no changing it. They're gonna dump you and have someone else in their bed before it's even cold from you leaving it. They thrive on the initial excitement that a new relationship brings. The butterflies, the anxiousness, and after a while, that fades, leaving them with the need to get that "honeymoon phase" all over again. It's lose/lose with these broads.

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