Major step backward....I still love my ex..

[luxe_13]

I feel so foolish. I have put up posts telling people how to get over heartbreak. I have told everyone that I have found happiness and have moved on from my ex.

 

Well I have taken a huge step back in the healing process…I am back in a slump.

 

Back ground: Boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 months ago

Have had minimal contact with him during this time…have not spoken to him at all since Xmas Eve (when he called me )

Found out he was seeing someone else about 2 months ago…this shattered me

I have been seeing someone very casually since New Years Day

 

 

Anyway I am feeling really down again. Being with this new guy has made me realise how much I still love my ex…. I have done my best to move on but something inside me feels I am meant to be with him….I know there is nothing I can do but is this a real instinct or is it just false hope?

 

I have been taking things really slowly with this new guy, but feel if I take it any further with him I am being unfair. I do really like him…but I am starting to feel pressure – he has already told some of his friends that I am his girlfriend. This is freaking me out a little bit.

 

I don't know what to do, I fear I will always be comparing every guy to my ex – I can't imagine ever feeling so strongly about someone again.

 

I am going overseas soon, which will be great as I can get away from everyone and have time to think about what I want.

 

I just really feel the urge to speak to my ex …what I would say I don't know. I just don't want to lose him from my life. I have never related to anyone as much as my ex. We had such a strong connection.. I don't know where it all went wrong..

 

I am so lost. ANY advice or similar stories would be much appreciated!

 

Luxe x

[disEnchantid]

hey sweetie,

I know how you feel, but *please* trust me when I say that to contact your ex would be a mistake, I know you miss him but it will only ruin what you have with this new guy, and you will regret it later if that happens. I made the mistake of staying in contact with an ex while seeing someone new and it definitely interfered and made me constantly question myself and the new guy, and he ended up really resenting it. I think you are very wise to take it slow, and if this guy respects you, he will understand if you tell him you aren't ready for the intensity of being officially boyfriend/girlfriend. I would recommend that you continue to take it slow and stay strong...expect that the memory of your ex will continue to haunt you, but don't let it get in your way of finding happiness again. Give yourself time to deal with the ghost of your ex, and when you're ready, if this guy is a decent guy, I'm sure he will be happy to have you. I once had a guy wait six months for me to be ready for someone new after a particularly difficult break up, and we ended up having a very deep and meaningful relationship that lasted several years.

 

good luck!

 

-dE

[luxe_13]

Thanks disEnchantid

 

You're right...

 

I was feeling fine in the past few weeks. But just little things have made me start thinking about my ex again…and comparing which I know is wrong. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to feel tied down. The only person I want to be tied down with is my ex. I know I won't feel this way forever…in fact I felt fine last week! I don't what has happened to me.

 

So is there really no point even thinking I could ever have another shot with my ex? I know he is so stubborn he will never beg to have me back.

 

I don't even know if this is a temporary state of mind, or if it's how I really feel!!

 

I just know that with my ex it felt like…home to me. It felt like that from the start …not just the feeling you get after awhile. It was an instant connection. I don't feel that this time round. I am searching for that same feeling I guess..

[disEnchantid]

hey,

I know exactly how you feel, trust me, I had that same feeling you did with my ex...don't feel guilty about comparing, it's normal, just so long as you catch yourself when you're doing it and remind yourself that nobody is going to comapre to the ideal person you created in your ex for yourself. I know that you don't want to be tied down, and you don't have to be, proceed at a rate that is *comfortable* for you, and if a guy is not willing to respect your comfort zone, you need to tell him to take a walk. I know how hard it is to see yourself as anyone else's girlfriend, or anyone else as being your boyfriend, as you don't have to. DO go out, *see* people, try to have a good time, you deserve it. DON'T pressure yourself to move on before you are ready, when you are ready, you will know and it will be a weight off your shoulders, but until then don't stress it, you need to take care of your own feelings before you can start worrying about someone else's.

 

I honestly can not tell you if you never have a shot with your ex. Nobody could, not even your ex. What you are feeling *is* temporary, just don't rush yourself. Going out with new people is great for helping rebuild your confidence, just so long as you don't expect to meet the perfect man everytime you do. Just relax and try to have a good time with them, you aren't ready for a relationship right now anyway, so even if Mr.Right was sitting accross from you on a date, you wouldn't be able to commit your heart to him. I know it seems like you don't connect with anyone else the same way, and part of that is because the memory of your ex has been idealized iin your mind, I'm sure if you really thought about it and were honest with yourself, you probably had doubts at the beginning with him too. I know I sure did!

 

good luck & take care of yourself ok? you're doing fine...don't rush yourself!! these things take *time* and you should be proud of yourself for coming as far as you have!

 

PM me anytime you want, ok?

 

-dE

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Hey...I know how you feel as well about the ex. My ex of almost 3 years broke up with me 5 months ago and she started dating someone like 2 weeks after and that shattered me as well. I started dating someone about 1.5 months after and to this day I still am..So it's like almost 4 months dating this new girl and I keep thinking of my ex g/f. The new girl considers me her boyfriend and I'm just stuck not feeling the same way for her..I mean she's nice but you know I still think of my ex g/f.

What you and I should both do is to stop comparing our new "Dates" to our ex's...I know it's hard but we have to do it even though we still love them we gotta let go. Just focus on ourselves for a while and then we may be able to move on.. I took a big step backwards about 3 weeks ago when what would have been our 3 year anniversary..I kept thinking about her all day when I was at work and when I got home I saw that she called me that day from her new boyfriends house which made me feel really worse. I didn't call her back obviously , especially at her new b/f's house but I still wonder why she called me that day of what would have been our 3 year anniversary..

Anyways....Good luck to both of us....

Take care

[Michael2]

Luxe and bubba,

 

I commend both of you for attempting to move on. It must be difficult for both of you to constantly compare your current SO to your past relationship. Its normal, dont beat yourself up over it.

 

My ex called me way back when she first started dating another individual. She cried to me telling me that he wasnt like me, that she compares him constantly; but you know what, he was making her happy.

 

Look at it like this. Picture yourself when you both first brokeup, then look at yourselves now. Pure magic isnt it. At first you were both slobbering upset messes, now you both have your lives back together. Its still hard, and that is expected, but be proud of where you have both ventured to.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Yeah I agree with you totally Michael.... I am much better off now than I was 5 months ago..I was a wreck... Yeah I still think of my ex every so often but I am having a good time..Living the single life to the fullest..At one point I had 4 girls calling me and dating occasionally.. But I'm 27 now and honestly I am getting sick of the whole bar scene... You know going out having some beers and trying to meet women...

It's still fun though

[cobro]

I see you two are in the same place I have been the last few days. I thought I was happily moving on since my gf broke up with me almost 3 months ago after 2.5 years of on/off again relationship. It was actually the 3rd time she broke up with me. But this time it was final, no more getting back together weeks later. So here I am 3 months later, she started seeing someone else like less than a month after breaking up with me and is still seeing him. I also found out she had a one night fling less than a month after we broke up. So needless to say, I was really hurt. But I have been slowly healing, reading this website, self-help books, making new friends, moving to a new house, new roomates, working more, paying off debts, joined a gym and go everyday, furthering my career and education, and going to church every sunday. I have made so many changes in my life over the last 3 months I forget sometimes. But one thing is missing, that special someone to share my days with. I haven't had any dates, but I really haven't made the effort to go out and meet anyone. I feel like I need to improve and heal myself before I can make someone else part of my life. I still think about my ex daily and recently, like the last few days, I have been feeling kind of down. I tried the no contact thing for about a month, but then she called me a little over a week ago about midnight on a saturday just because she was "thinking about me", which I take it as she misses something about me. She has a new bf, why call her old one. I haven't heard from her since. I know I shouldn't have answered the phone, and I won't anymore because even though it didn't bother me then, it bothers me now. Over a week later after breaking the no contact rule I feel like garbage, I realized I still have feelings for her and love her, but I could never have her like I did, she is not the same girl I fell in love with.

 

And like you, I have been becoming very friendly with a new girl lately, but I am having a difficult time with it. She likes me, but I am very aloof with her, I don't hang out with her as much as I should and I'm giving her mixed signals. I compare her to my ex and don't like what I see sometimes and get turned off. I want so bad to just forget about my ex and move on with this new girl or someone else, but its just not working. I mean it's only been 3 months, do you think I'm pressuring myself too much? Subconsciously I'm probably trying to compete with my ex, if she has a new man then I need new girl, lol. But that is not right.

 

This is where I'm at right now, I wake up in the morning and the 1st or 2nd thing I think about, even if it's just for a split second, is my ex. I try to block out all thoughts of her or think about the bad times, but nevertheless I'm thinking about her. I go to work and she crosses my mind maybe 3-5 times while there. Then when I get home if I don't stay busy working out or hanging out with friends I'll get sad. This has been happening alot over the last week, all because I talked to her on the phone a week ago. Before that, I was doing better. Now I have to try to take her off the pedastal I have put her on, she is still the same girl who broke up with me 3 times because she didn't really love me. So basically what I am trying to say is that I am in the same boat you all are in, the roller coaster of emotions. My best advice is to avoid all contact with your ex and concentrate on yourself, don't worry about this new person in your life, if they really like you they will realize what you are going through and stick with you until you are ready to have a relationship with them. Don't pressure yourself to much to like them, just see them every once in a while, don't talk to them everyday, just be casual friends and when you are ready you will know. I hope to follow my own advice Well I hope I helped, this was a long post but it the topic really hit home with me. Take care.

 

cobro

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Hey Cobro...

I wish us all good luck in our journey to recovery... The NO CONTACT rule is the best..It really helps..

We all have to keep up with it...

I've been good though lately..If anything it's my ex that contacts me... She called me like 2 weeks ago and maybe a month ago...

I'm happy to say that I haven't called my ex since late October I think !

Good luck to us all

[luxe_13]

Wow guys thanks for all your feedback, and for sharing your experiences.

Going through all this is definitely like being on a rollercoaster.

There have been so many ips and downs. I guess we just have to keep reminding ourselves of the most amazing learning experience we have gone through. We probably know ourselves better than we ever have, and have grown as human beings in the process.

I believe we are all better people for having gone through this.

 

I know I shouldn't want my ex back. But I am sure realising how much I took him for granted. Maybe in the future I will get a chance to prove to him that I am still the same girl he fell in love with.

If not then I'll be a much stronger person in my next relationship

 

Luxe x

[bubbamackdaddy69]

I totally agree with you !!! I took my ex for granted as well...

Oh well we live and learn !!

Take care

[luxe_13]

Oh and…Congratulations everyone on being so strong. It's an inspiration..I mean it! I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't found this site.

 

 

And I will keep up the no contact thing. I keep giving my self time frames like…"I will call him in a month"…then a month passes and I lose the nerve anyway

 

In a few weeks we have a mutual friend going away. She is having a party and I know my ex will be there. Should I avoid this party or use it as an opportunity to show my ex how happy I am and how good I am looking?

[cobro]

Avoid the party. I too have a mutual friend who is getting married in a few months and my ex is in the wedding, and I am *supposed* to be in it also. But the way I feel now, I can't be anywhere near my ex. It would just hurt me more to see her beautiful face and hear her voice, AND SEE HER WITH ANOTHER MAN, dancing and laughing, I can already see it! I would not be able to handle it, I can almost bet my life would be messed up for MONTHS afterwards, that is how much I loved her. Right now I would be content never talking to her or seeing her again, I see no point in prolonging the healing process by seeing her. In the process I am losing my mutual friends by not being in the wedding. If they don't understand then too bad, they're pretty much her friends now anyways. So my advice is to not go to the party unless you want to torture yourself. The less reminders you have of the ex the better. Don't go, just say something came up or have a good excuse, if your friends get mad at you like mine will, then they are not worth you time. Good luck, IM me if you need to talk.

[Color-Is-Blue]

I know how U feel because just recently me and

my ex bf started talking again.He lives like a million

miles away but it just keep bringing up memories.

I still care for him but I love my bf i've been going

out with this guy for 4 yrs now.All I can say is

search your feelings ask yourself who is really making

you happy.GOODLUCK!!

[luxe_13]

Thank You Color is Blue

 

I know that at the moment my heart still belongs to my ex. i would do anything to make it work with him.

 

I am not focusing on him anymore though..as i know there is nothing i can do except pray that we will be both be happy. I hope he still thinks of me from time to time.

 

I am enjoying the companyof the new guy....and who knows it may work out...but I'm just not ready yet.

 

It's all so confusing. Sometimes i just wish things would stay the same. But then i guess we'd never learn anything.....

[disEnchantid]

hey luxe

it sounds like you are doing really well to me! I am so glad you are getting out and meeting new people.

 

"I am enjoying the companyof the new guy....and who knows it may work out...but I'm just not ready yet."

 

this is the perfect attitude to have right now. I wouldn't look at your feelings for your as a major step backward at all, maybe just a stumbling block? I know how hard it is, I'm feeling the same way you do right now, but I am not putting pressure on myself to get seriously involved with anyone else, just trying to meet new people and enjoy their company as well. just trust your instincts and don't move any faster than you are comfortable with, if the guy is right, he'll respect your needs and wait until you are ready. am I right guys?