Death in his family

[notsoanonymous]

I've posted here before when my boyfriend first found out his grandmother was terminally ill. It was highly advised then to be there in any way I could - which I did to the absolute best of my ability given the trouble we were already having in our relationship. Some days he would come home and fall into my arms exhausted mentally - others he would treat me like crap and be really inconsiderate. It was a difficult time for both of us.

 

About a month afterward, we actually did end up splitting. Once things got really bad with her he basically walked out on me. A month later we began couples counseling and have been going to that and working toward getting back together since. We speak daily. We consider ourselves separated.

 

I knew it was likely she would pass away today because this morning he mentioned that when I asked him how things were. She passed away at 11 am and he told me over text message at 12:30.

 

I simply said I am so sorry to which he replied that It's okay. I then stated that if he wanted to be left alone I understood, but that I would also be more than willing to be with him, comfort him and not say a word. He said that it was sweet of me, he would give me a call later if that was okay to which I replied yes, he smiled and that was it.

 

Since our breakup 2.5 months ago, I have not spoken to any members of his family at his request (he also told them not to contact me either, which I didn't know until recently). He told me this two weeks ago, but said that he felt it was fine if I called his mom now that we had decided to work it out. I chose to let it be as I knew things were getting to the end with his grandma - knowing a conversation with her son's separated/ex girlfriend wasn't her top priority by any means.

 

Prior to this, I was truly a part of the family. We had been together for 2 years when we got the news of her illness. I was very close to his mom and spent a lot of time with her. She called me her daughter. I knew his grandmother and grandfather well - I loved her too, and feel the sense of loss regardless of my detachment from them right now.

 

I would like to send a sympathy card to both his grandfather and his mother. Nothing too much, just letting them know they are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Is this appropriate?

[HeartGoesOn]

Yes, I wouldn't hesitate to.

 

That would be very kind, and thoughtful of you.

[melrich]

Yes definitely appropriate.

[notsoanonymous]

You're doing it for his family, not for him.

 

You and him are through. It's not up to him anymore.

 

Well without going into too much detail, we aren't through necessarily but we aren't together like we were before (we own a house together but he moved out) as we are now in counseling together.

 

I didn't want to overstep bounds but I just feel like I should let them know I love and think of them, even if they knew it already before anything happened.

[notsoanonymous]

So here is another follow up question:

 

When I speak with him later this evening, is it okay for me to ask if they plan to hold a service for her? And if they do, do I need to ask his permission to attend or is it alright for me to go and pay my respects unless he specifically tells me not to show up?

 

I also might want to mention there is no scandal, drama, nothing like that involved in our relationship right now - we are jsut separated and working on things with the intentions of getting back together - so it's not like my presense there would be an awkward situation unless he doesn't want me there.

[notsoanonymous]

Thanks Snowbawl.

 

We are speaking everyday and actively in counseling to reconcile. He called last night and said when I asked that there would be a small memorial held in her honor. He left it at that so I didn't press any further.

 

I did go buy cards to mail out tomorrow for his family. I've done all I can - offered to listen, be there for him, anything he needs at the moment.