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long term relationship losing that spark?


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I've been with my girlfriend on and off the the past five years, primarily on with a couple of breaks/break ups in between. For the most part, we get along really well except for the prior periods when we've needed to break. The first break was in part to me b/c we were arguing alot which led to explosions, etc. The break allowed us time to rejuvenate our relationship and rethink our future together. Things went well for the next little while..then...

 

At around our 4 year mark last summer, I had indicated that we kind of lost our spark and that maybe we weren't a fit for each other so we decided to go on another break. After our break, I could tell my gf was still hurt and wasn't able to let go of what had happened. She wasn't happy so she broke up with me. It took along time to get over her and did not actually get over her, however, I managed to try to move on without her, without contacting her, etc. Seemed like she had moved on as she was hanging out with her friends alot more, seemed to have been seeing a "rebound" guy. 2 months later, when I thought that things were officially over, as we had discussed, and I was seeing somebody else new (could have been a rebound as well, can't say for sure) she spilled her guts to me about how much she missed me and how things just don't feel right without me. Obviously, with mixed emotions, I didn't know what to say since I just started something new with a new girl. In any case, long story short, I thought long and hard and knew that I wanted to be with my ex again. We've gone through so much together and jumped through so many hoops and hurdles to get our relationship to where it was it, it wasn't worth throwing away completely, as I still missed her and part of me still wanted to be with her.

 

Things have been great this past year since we've gotten back together. We both feel that we'd like to get married sometime in the future. We had general discussions but I haven't proposed yet. However, even though things have been great, the past month it seems like things have gotten stale again for some reason. Don't get me wrong, we love each other so much and love spending time together but I've only been able to see my gf only once a week for the past month because of both of our conflicting schedules (i work full time and she's a full time student/part time worker/part time work placement student as well so we don't have a ton of time to spend together. When we do spend time together, things just feel like their normal everyday feelings, when really if we only see each other once a week there should be a ton of joy and happiness there thats being expressed. Im definitely happy to see her and hang out with her but why do we feel this way? Stress of our daily lives? Anyways, the real point of this is that we are once again on another break to truly figure out if we are meant to be with each other. She tells me she loves me more than she ever has and I feel the same for her. The problem with us is that when we see each other, we can never find anything to do with each other. We'll go for dinner and then a movie and then call it a night. We both have friends but its not a mutual group where we can all go out. She has her friends and I have mine.

 

Seems like our spark is gone again and I'm not sure how to rejuvenate it once again. We both still want to be with each other but would truly like to work through things and not call it quits because every other aspect of our relationship is amazing (i.e. communication, trust, openness, caring, etc.). How are we going to spend the rest of our lives together if we get bored of the things we do now? or maybe its because we're bored of each other? We're both 25 yrs old this year and have been together since 2003. Since we've been on our latest break (since end of september so it's now been 15 days), we've talked a couple times even though I know we shouldn't be. At first it was her texting me. Then i told her to stop but then I end up initiating contact. I know that no contact is the best solution right now for us to figure things out, however, i've already let her know that she means the world to me and that i want to be with her forever and not have to go through losing her again. She feels the same about me in wanting to be with me forever as well, however, does a better job of the no contacting since i've told her to stop texting me. My main concern is not when we will get back together, but if things will get better (ie. no more staleness). Seems to me that the only time things get stale are when we get comfortable with each other and kind of take each other for granted, resulting in the break situations. Just scared that if we can't reignite that flame then things will be finished forever, even though many long term relationships feel this way over time. Anybody out there who has been in my situation that could offer some advice??

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Sounds like you guys are just bored of each other. It also sounds like you both always need those 'butterfly in your stomach' feelings to not get bored. Honestly, most relationships lose those feelings after awhile. I think that once you both realize that those feelings do not have to be there for a good relationship, then you can figure out if you really want to be with each other.

On the other hand, it doesn't hurt to spice things up once in awhile. Do something different. It takes work for a relationship to stay exciting. If that's what you both want, then you need to put effort into it. It won't stay exciting on its own.

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I'm sorry to hear that you're getting bored but I can completely understand why. It's pretty much normal! Like the person above said, try something different because maybe it will spice things up again and give you those awesome butterflies feelings once again! I dunno', find a fun a hobby or try something different in the unmentioned regions!

 

Good luck to you.

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Sounds like you guys are just bored of each other. It also sounds like you both always need those 'butterfly in your stomach' feelings to not get bored. Honestly, most relationships lose those feelings after awhile. I think that once you both realize that those feelings do not have to be there for a good relationship, then you can figure out if you really want to be with each other.

On the other hand, it doesn't hurt to spice things up once in awhile. Do something different. It takes work for a relationship to stay exciting. If that's what you both want, then you need to put effort into it. It won't stay exciting on its own.

 

Thanks for you feedback. I agree, it may just be that we are bored of each other at the moment, but we both don't want to be with anybody else. Seems like that anyways considering we officially ended our relationship last year but then got back together even though we were seeing different people. Everywhere I've been reading lately, it sounds like most relationships lose that feeling after awhile and its up to the couple to do the necessary work to keep it interesting. We've come off breaks in the past and have felt much more alive knowing that we could have lost each other but this has once again occurred. We want to do some new and exciting things together but we just don't know what. We live on the canadian prairies lol

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Thanks for you feedback. I agree, it may just be that we are bored of each other at the moment, but we both don't want to be with anybody else. Seems like that anyways considering we officially ended our relationship last year but then got back together even though we were seeing different people. Everywhere I've been reading lately, it sounds like most relationships lose that feeling after awhile and its up to the couple to do the necessary work to keep it interesting. We've come off breaks in the past and have felt much more alive knowing that we could have lost each other but this has once again occurred. We want to do some new and exciting things together but we just don't know what. We live on the canadian prairies lol

 

I'm sure that there are many things that you did in the beginning of your relationship that you don't do now. Maybe you could try doing them once in awhile. Try surprising each other.

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Boredom really sucks. I think you need to expect that the "spark" isn't going to suddenly appear and make things fine and dandy, rather you both have to make a REAL effort to beat the blues - e.g. go out and do things, not just the usual dinner/movie routine. Get to know each other as best friends too, I know that with my closest friends I can sit and chat for hours and be occupied, having a partner who you can do these things with too is really great. It's also not a good enough excuse to say "we each have our own friends" - get to know each other's friends! Go bowling with her friends, invite her to a BBQ with yours! You'll feel so much better, after all rels can't exist within each other, they go stale otherwise.... !!

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5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting Your Relationship

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