Hope, or false hope?

[jdh]

Hello all,

 

I could use a little advice. I broke up with my fiance and girlfriend of 7+ years earlier this year. This involved canceling a wedding and the whole works. We own a house together and had to give away our dog. Boy did she love that dog. Suffice it to say I caused her a lot of pain and grief. A lot. To top it all off i said things that were not very nice in an attempt to push her away. In hindsight I think that was a selfish attempt to make things easier for me.

 

I was working out of town at the time and was getting very nervous about the wedding. I still don't really know what came over me, but the damage is done.

 

About 2 months later I came to my senses. I appolagized and told her I had made a huge mistake. I leveled with her and told her why I thought it had happened etc. She came around and we were together for about 6 months, but I could tell it wasn't right. She was still hurt and wasn't 100%. Not even close.

 

So on the weekend that our wedding would have been she ended it - saying she needed more time to be sure that this is what she wants This was hard for me to accept because since my meltdown I was more committed to her and more excited about being with her than ever. But it was ultimately my own fault, so I agreed reluctantly . . . it was her decision.

 

After a rough period where I was contacting her way to much and making all of the classic mistakes I finally decided to go NC. Well, once I did that she started sending me messages on a semi-regular basis. Nothing really substantial though, just questions that didn't really matter etc.

 

So as fate would have it last weekend we were both off and at the house for the weekend. It was very awkward and upsetting at first.

 

But then once we settled in a little we started to really have fun. At the end of the weekend we both commented that it was the best weekend we've had together in a long time - maybe ever!

 

BUT! She says she can't get back together with me. She says she needs to take a few months so she is sure this is what she wants . . . so that she doesn't get back together with me only to get engaged again and break up again. I respect that and I understand that. But what do I do? No contact? We get along so well and she seems to want to stay in contact on some level, she contacts me from time to time if I stop contacting her...She admits that we are so good together, the problem is that she's still hurt from what I did to her.

 

I just don't know what to do here in order to maintain the best chances of reconciling with her when she's ready.

 

Any advice out there?

 

Thanks!

[Travelin99]

Have you talked about going to a couples counselor? It might be beneficial to sit down with an outside party who can give you advice on how to deal with the past and move forward with a positive future. I'm going through a similar situation and I think counseling might help us to deal with some of the issues of the past.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree that at this point some couples counselling might help. Were you planning on having a religious ceremony for your wedding? If so, perhaps the two of you might want to talk to the person who was going to perform the ceremony.

[jpearl]

I agree with Travelin, ask her if she is willing to do counseling, so that you can both voice your feelings with a impartial mediator to help it along. In your case I wouldn't suggest NC, I think she needs to hear every so often that you are there and really care about her, she is hurting a LOT right now and very scared to give you her heart again. She needs to feel like she can trust you again and that will take a lot of work.

[havefaith]

Wow, this same thing happened to me but on a much smaller scale. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and when I transferred to his university he had a similar meltdown to the one you had. Like your girl, I went along with the getting back together for 8 months, but the damage really was done.

 

For a while there I can truly say I was moving on because of what he did to me. However, recently I have had a rush of memories and a kind of sadness and am unsure of where I'll go with it next. I do the same thing though -- when he stops contacting me I always end up contacting him. It's about comfort and familiarity... I would try hard to not take it as hope for a relationship.

 

Time is definitely what she needs at this point, and to know that if you were given a second chance you really would be there unconditionally.

[jdh]

Have you talked about going to a couples counselor? It might be beneficial to sit down with an outside party who can give you advice on how to deal with the past and move forward with a positive future. I'm going through a similar situation and I think counseling might help us to deal with some of the issues of the past.

 

I have thought about this option . . . I have mentioned it to her in passing but I don't think she really took me seriously. She also made a comment once that she doesn't need or want someone else telling her what decision to make. I tried to explain to her that this wouldn't be the case, and more likely she would be given some clarity and understanding so she can make the right decision on her own.

 

I will see if I can suggest it again and see what kind of response I get.

 

Thanks!

[jdh]

I think this is very true and important in my situation, but how do I both give her space and at the same time let her know that I would be with her and love her unconditionally if given the chance?

 

Sounds like a tricky thing to accomplish . . .

[Jay_Bird]

I believe in 2nd chances

 

 

but the thing is

 

is the 2nd chance good for you

[jdh]

I believe in 2nd chances

 

 

but the thing is

 

is the 2nd chance good for you

 

Cryptic . . .

 

I guess to answer the question: yes, in a perfect world a second chance is good for me.

[jdh]

UPDATE:

 

I went out of town to see some friends and mentioned to my ex that she should come out and see us for a day or two. I didn't for a second think she would . . .

 

Well low and behold, she said she would like to come. I booked her flights, booked a beautiful hotel room for the night and booked her a massage at the spa. Flowers, dinner the whole works. I thought "here's my chance!"

 

So the weekend went quite well. We hung out with our mutual friends I was originally going to visit, she went to her massage, we met up with the friends again for dinner then they left and we just hung out in the hotel room and enjoyed the view.

 

Everything went really, really well.

 

But again, at the end of it all she said she is feeling a bit better as time goes on, but still can't get back together with me. She says she is like 90%, but that last 10% isn't coming and it's important to her to be 100% before we really get back together.

 

Any advice or opinions?

[hulk7280]

were u guys plutanic the whole time or were u affectionate towards each other?

[jdh]

were u guys plutanic the whole time or were u affectionate towards each other?

 

Affectionate as ever . . .

[hulk7280]

Affectionate as ever . . .

 

well thats a good sign!

[jdh]

well thats a good sign!

 

You would think, but later that same day now she says she feels too much pressure to get back together and she's not sure yet . . . so she wants to just end it because she always feels so bad.

 

So I let her sleep on that and send her a note today and she says she was just frustrated, doesn't want to close the door completely but feels stressed and pressured.

 

I did mention Christmas and asked what she was doing so I think that stressed her out as she has plans to travel with a girlfriend and felt like I was upset by that news. (I admit, I was a little, but I thought I hid it better than that)

 

So I feel like we took a huge step forward with our great visit, followed by a huge step backward because I put the pressure on her to get things back on track.

 

What a mess

[jdh]

Now this morning she calls me and tells me that this is over, that she doesn't see a future with me what-so-ever.

 

I don't understand . . .

 

I guess this is it though. Nobody can ever say I didn't try my best that's for sure.

[hulk7280]

ugh.. women! i feel for you man.. i really do.. i am going through the same thing.. its like why dont u see a future? i just dont get it either..

[yeahwhatever]

What a ton to have on your heart. Read my thread

Hope makes you or it can break you

and that is my opinion on your situation. Just because you give up hope does not mean You cannot be with the ex. That is the important thing.

[jasper01]

That she is resisting counseling and is relying on feelings and the passage of time, rather than something more solid and realistic to base decisions on is disconcerting, but also understandable. You need to show her somehow that she can trust you. This isn't going to be a waiting game.

[jdh]

That she is resisting counseling and is relying on feelings and the passage of time, rather than something more solid and realistic to base decisions on is disconcerting, but also understandable. You need to show her somehow that she can trust you. This isn't going to be a waiting game.

 

 

You are probably right, I just wish I knew how...

[HeartBrokn]

That she is resisting counseling and is relying on feelings and the passage of time, rather than something more solid and realistic to base decisions on is disconcerting, but also understandable. You need to show her somehow that she can trust you. This isn't going to be a waiting game.

 

That's exactly what is happening in my relationship. My wife is also resisting counseling, and she said she was 99% sure she did not want to be in a relationship with me.

 

I am bad at math but 99% sure she doesn't want to be with me cannot be good :sad:

 

The whole trust thing is Very Very important. I wish I knew what the best way to get that back.

[jdh]

Another Update:

 

We at one point had agreed that we would go a few months apart, but we would commit to each other that we would not "be" with anybody else. We decided we didn't want to jeopardize our chance at fully reconciling down the road. This was a commitment we were both happy enough to make.

 

So after she told me this was "over forever" the other day, we spoke a couple days later and I asked her if she really wanted that, or if she was just frustrated? I asked her if she wanted to just revert to our original plan, but try to stick to it by giving each other space - rather than hanging out on a semi-regular basis as we have been. She said that she would like to go back to the original plan rather than stick by her "this is over forever" statement.

 

Relief.

 

So we emailed here and there since then, then I sent her an email saying maybe we should cut back. Not because I didn't want to talk to her, but rather because I love her and want to give her the space she needs so she can make a decision. I'm not sure if she took offense to that, but she sure took it to heart.

 

A couple of days later and I email her a note about a mutual friend (gossip She doesn't reply, which is out of character. The next day I email her a fairly lengthy email outlining for her the actions I would take to help her regain her trust in me. (she has recently identified that trusting me is the biggest hurdle to us being together)

 

So no reply to the lengthy email. I start to regress to the panic stage! One text message is all I allow myself though, just a "why the cold shoulder" message, fairly light.

 

A few hours later she replies to the trust email:

 

(to vaguely paraphrase)

I've been super busy. Let's evaluate all of this in a couple of months. I just want time to myself right now. If at that time we think we can make things work we can move towards the next step. I don't think everything you suggested is even necessary! I'm confused about how much we should be in touch, if I reply to your emails we will end up chatting back and forth all day - I'm sorry but I just need space and I don't feel I get it when we do that.

 

Can somebody with a sound mind (not me!) please let me know how I should interpret all of this?

 

I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up, and at times any hope has come crashing down. It's been quite a roller coaster. I know I need to take time for me etc. But I would love some opinions about this scenario!

 

And also, do I reply? Do I just give her space starting right now? Am I being rude to not reply?

 

Thanks so much for any help! And for reading what turned into an extremely long post!

[jdh]

That's exactly what is happening in my relationship. My wife is also resisting counseling, and she said she was 99% sure she did not want to be in a relationship with me.

 

I am bad at math but 99% sure she doesn't want to be with me cannot be good

 

The whole trust thing is Very Very important. I wish I knew what the best way to get that back.

 

I suggested couples counseling again in my trust email (see my post above) and she didn't even really acknowledge it . . . other than to say "let's wait and see"

 

As far as getting the trust back I don't think there is any way around the fact that is will just take time But it's a catch 22, because in order to get that required time together they feel like they need to trust us first.

 

I suggested to her that I would be completely transparent and honest with her about everything - including feelings and small uncertainties that I would have normally kept to myself. I don't think there is much I can do other than tell her that I will do everything in my power to make trusting me as easy as possible.

 

It's a tough spot to be in. I made my bed . . . as the saying goes.

[billabong89]

Hey jdh the best thing you have to do is give her space. Don't e-mail her about "gossip" or forward her funny e-mails, you need to just give her space and time. I know its hard I've been there a lot and I am also there right now. You two made an agreement to give each other space without seeing anyone. Just be careful with this because she might just want to be seeing if the grass is greener on the other side.

 

Again the best thing is give her space! If you want to know about rollercoaster rides read my post (moving on while waiting) it will make you feel better and see just how much things can change.

 

Just remember give her the space she needs and give yourself the space you need. Go hang out with your buddies and do things you enjoy. Its time to live your life and improve yourself don't just bum around. All the best

[jdh]

That's exactly what is happening in my relationship. My wife is also resisting counseling, and she said she was 99% sure she did not want to be in a relationship with me.

 

I am bad at math but 99% sure she doesn't want to be with me cannot be good

 

The whole trust thing is Very Very important. I wish I knew what the best way to get that back.

 

Oh ya, and 99% is better than 100%!

 

And a lot better if you ask me!

 

99% is an arbitrary number people throw out which translates to "pretty sure"

 

Not totally sure, but pretty sure things won't work out. Could be worse!

 

I think that if a person leaves themselves open minded enough that they admit to themselves that there is a chance, you are in pretty decent shape

 

As you can see I'm in no position to be giving advice, take it with a grain of salt!

[jdh]

You are of course right, it's just so hard to really give her space like that.

 

I hope she isn't in a "grass is greener" mindset, and if she is I would hope she would at least tell me what's up given our agreement. I won't say I haven't considered this though She has made comments in the past that have made me question this, and to make it worse she is working in an environment where she is living in company supplied "housing" with her co-workers, both sexes. This is hard for me to swallow and I just try not to think about it.

 

Do you think I should reply to her email? I don't know why I have this feeling that I'm being rude if I don't . . .