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Snooping: Your Views?


AussieJohn

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I'll make it brief.

 

My beautiful GF, feels I have things to hide. So she snoops. And Snoops, And Snoops until she uncovers Something, anything.

She still says I am secretive?

Of what I don't know and she can't answer it for me cause it's obviously a secret.

Can you start and see the vicious circle.](*,)

Nothing is private, my phone, my laptop. my posts on this site, not even my room when I am downstairs.

 

Is this normal behaviour for women as she seems to think it is.

 

 

Now I have left out a lot of background of her and I, because I feel it's a simple question. But I will say, I have not cheated on her. I do however have 90% of my friends female and work in a all fe,male team with me as Manager. They are all happily married.

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This may sound crazy but it sounds like she can't be content on the fact that you aren't cheating on her. She will only be happy when she can find something to validate the way she feels.

 

This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

 

Yup. She is projecting past experiences onto you. You should tell her it needs to stop.

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Is this normal behaviour for women as she seems to think it is.

 

It's not normal behavior for anyone, male or female. It is rude and disrespectful behavior for anyone to go through someone else's things behind their back.

 

 

Now I have left out a lot of background of her and I, because I feel it's a simple question. But I will say, I have not cheated on her. I do however have 90% of my friends female and work in a all fe,male team with me as Manager. They are all happily married.

 

My husband has worked with mostly women for much of the time we have been together. He's been friendly with all these women. Doesn't bother me a bit because I trust him.

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I really feel bad for you. Women (or men, tho its mostly a female thing) like this are a nightmare to live with. If i was a guy and landed someone like this i would run so far and very fast.

 

She will make sure she finds little things that can be construed incriminating no matter how good and honest you are.

 

Please, find a woman who deserves you. This woman has issues that it would likely take a lot of counseling to counter. She is going to suffocate you to the point you can no longer breathe.

 

Women like this are often VERY controlling. As time progresses it will become more and more apparent. Not sure entirely if these folks are just controllers and use insecurity as an excuse, or insecurity causes the controlling, or both. At the end of the day it doesn't matter, they are both present and will drive you insane.

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Well, I am guilty for snooping on my husband one time & it ended our relationship. I never snooped on him before even though my gut was telling me things were just not right, I believed in trust, but just couldn't get my head around some things. So I made a deal with myself, I will snoop & if I don't find anything I will know that I am just being an insecure person, live with the guilt and never do it again. Well, guts were right. He was a serial cheater and I found just the tip of the iceberg....a mount everest size tip.

 

So for me, I wouldn't hesitate to do it again if I really really felt as though I was being lied to. Had I done it sooner it would have saved me many years. However, if I had found nothing like your girl, I would have sucked it up, felt incredibly guilty and never done it again.

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This may sound crazy but it sounds like she can't be content on the fact that you aren't cheating on her. She will only be happy when she can find something to validate the way she feels.

 

This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

 

Precisely. She will never trust you, because she hasn't found out your secret. Which is that you don't have one!

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I think that's a little harsh, Jaded. Snooping is hardly ever justifiable, and most of the time it does come from insecurity, but people who have emotional issues can be perfectly normal partners. Not all of them will murder you or choke you out and make you so crazy that you shoot yourself square in the face to escape the torment. hahaha

 

Control issues are insecurities. So- there is no difference.

 

Not everyone who snoops is trying to control their partner; they want to control their situation. I think we can all identify with that.

 

Snooping is worse for the snooper than the snoopee. People need to realize that snooping on someone is only going to make themselves crazy... and choked, and suffocated... It does no good.

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When someone snoops it is because they are insecure about the relationship. Sometimes the insecurity is justified, if their partner is actually cheating, while other times it is just because they have trust issues and need validation that the partner is not doing anything behind their back.

It must be difficult for you to know that your girlfriend is so insecure. You need to discuss this with her and find out what her motivation is. If you have nothing to hide, then the snooping is just a mere inconvenience to you, but it also points to the fact that you are dating someone who has some emotional issues that she needs to work on.

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Snooping is worse for the snooper than the snoopee. People need to realize that snooping on someone is only going to make themselves crazy... and choked, and suffocated... It does no good.

 

I agree with this. I told myself in my last relationship that if I snooped, it meant that the relationship was over because my trust in him was gone. It turns out that he had been cheating, so I found a ton of evidence to validate my suspicions and the relationship was indeed over.

I would never snoop, unless there was something that triggered my insecurities....and when that happens, for me at least, it is because things are not working out.

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I read that some of you have Snooped and found things.

 

Can I summize (And remember your Anonimious to me), that a far more percentage has snooped and NOT found anything. But Searched and searched until some skeleton was found.

 

Who here doesn't have ANYTHING to hide, including what you type on Enotalone. Some honesty please.

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I think that's a little harsh, Jaded. Snooping is hardly ever justifiable, and most of the time it does come from insecurity, but people who have emotional issues can be perfectly normal partners. Not all of them will murder you or choke you out and make you so crazy that you shoot yourself square in the face to escape the torment. hahaha

 

Control issues are insecurities. So- there is no difference.

 

Not everyone who snoops is trying to control their partner; they want to control their situation. I think we can all identify with that.

 

Snooping is worse for the snooper than the snoopee. People need to realize that snooping on someone is only going to make themselves crazy... and choked, and suffocated... It does no good.

 

Try living with a person who gives you ZERO privacy then tell me if i am being harsh. I know women like this, it is a nightmare for their partners. Always suspicious of his every move, hacking into email accounts, nothing is private. Always so paranoid.

 

It is VERY controlling behavior. I am not talking the occasion let me see his emails. I am talking the behavior the OP relays which is excessive and controlling. This woman makes it clear he is to have no life that does not include her ALL the time and she snoops to make sure this happens.

 

I'd give her her walking papers. Harsh or not, its the truth. I would not tolerate that crap for a minute.

 

If this were a woman saying a man invaded her every privacy at all times I bet you wouldn't think it would harsh and would tell her she deserves so much better than that.

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I read that some of you have Snooped and found things.

 

Can I summize (And remember your Anonimious to me), that a far more percentage has snooped and NOT found anything. But Searched and searched until some skeleton was found.

 

Who here doesn't have ANYTHING to hide, including what you type on Enotalone. Some honesty please.

 

I agree with you> Those who alwaYS snoop end up finding SOMETHING that looks askew that might be totally innocent.

 

It is ridiculous behavior.

 

And a nasty pattern. Everytime they find something questionable you go under the microscope and have to live in fear all the time. It isn't worth it. Someone like that does not need a relationship until they have had some serious counseling to curb the controllingness and paranoia. This isn't just insecurity. This type of severe "snooper" is controlling AND paranoid and it makes the other innocent party miserable.

 

A friend of ours go thru just this. I do not know how he can take it. He is such a good and loyal man. He deserves someone better than her, I don't mind saying it bluntly like that.

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You seemed to be generalizing to all people who have ever snooped. I don't know his gf, but I agree it can get out of control.

 

I think the psychotic snooping you're describing is much less common than you made it seem. Someone like that needs to be strapped to a bed and pumped Thorazine.

 

I guess my eyes perked to your comment because you seem really, deeply, personally miffed by snooping behavior. I just wanted to clarify that it is truly worse for the pathetic soul constantly checking up on their partner. It's a sad situation that they can't let go and just relax.

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To the OP, I think this is definitely something you're handling well. You seem relaxed about it, but still obviously concerned. Also, it's interesting because you sound like you really do love her.

 

It is hard to say if she will stop or not. I regrettably snooped for a short period of time, but my bf was acting terrible. I only did it because I thought I could find the "truth". The truth will only come out when it's ready, you can't search for it in a case like this.

 

But you don't seem to have given her any reason to do so. How long has this been going on? It may be a phase, and she could snap out of it and apologize. (fingers crossed)

 

The reality is that she's likely not mature enough to get over this habit, and you have the right to leave her if it's too much to handle.

 

Good luck.

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Snooping for snoopings sake is very bad, it shows a lack of trust, and respect for your partner... and ultimately I think it will kill yours, or any relationship.

 

However I think that sometimes its necessary to protect yourself, and at times snooping may be necessary.

 

Heres an example. Lets say you talk to your GF and she tells you shes going to the gym, then home to watch a movie. Your friend sees her at a bar later that night and says to you, hey where were you at I saw 'jane' last night at so and so. Now you know her story, and his dont match. She starts getting text messages at 3 am, and doesnt want you to see them. You ask, she says its nothing.

 

You have two options, trust your gut and end things... or check her phone and make sure. Now maybe its nothing, maybe shes talking to an upset cousin/ sister etc. Or maybe its a ex bf that she doesnt want you to know about.

 

At this point her inconsistent story, and odd behavior is a good reason to snoop.

 

But if you are just saying, hey I wonder if she is up to anything... with nothing to base that on... then snooping is a bad idea.

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