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Back to the bad place


Darkness_Falls

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Feeling totally crap today. I think I'm going way back down to a bad place I can't seem to shift this depression which has been on and off since I was 12 years old. I don't know how to get out of it anymore. The meds don't seem to be working too good at the moment. I've had 4 different counsellors and none of them ever managed to get to the root of my depression. Two of them were completely useless and just got me more upset. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm actually at a loss of how I can help myself. I'm doing all the things I should be, trying to get exercise (walking to and from work now), diet isn't too bad, I tell someone when I feel down, I take my meds, I take vitamins, I have good friends and family, no major health problems, job is ok... I really don't know whats wrong with me.

 

While walking to work I wondered if I should throw myself in front of a car and just get it over with. Death freaks me out so much that I just want to get it over with. I worry about Gordon (my bf) and my family dying, I know it will happen one day. I want to get out before that happens. I don't think I could handle it at all.

 

Work kinda sucks right now, getting really bored of it. But I don't want to quit because it's a decent job, good pay and I get on with all the staff, and I can do the work. Just getting a bit bored with it.

 

Even when I try to give myself stuff to look forward to I end up not looking forward to it. I just want to curl up in bed and never wake up. Life sucks, where did all the fun go?

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I haven't had any depressive downs since I've done a lot of self-help & that sort of stuff...

It's all about creating your own future, the more you think that nothing is going to come to an end - it suprisingly won't...

Our main problem is that we percieve the NOW as the reality and form our future out of what we're experiencing NOW... We created our own NOW in the past, but it helped me a lot to use the time I have NOW to create a better image on what is going to happen in the future...

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