Best friend but not interested?

[Oddball]

So I'm 23, really stupid around girls, obviously never had a girlfriend.

 

I meet this girl a month ago. I decided to quit being scared and just ask for her number; she gives it. We've had several multi-hour conversations now, each time ending with me asking her out, and each time she makes up an obviously lame excuse not to go.

 

So recently SHE called me, and in the course of the conversation said I've basically become her "best friend." She says she loves talking with me and that I'm the funniest guy she's ever known etc, etc.

 

I asked her out yet again and got the usual set of excuses. Then she said she was going out with her friends and that I could "tag along."

 

Well I have some pride left and said no

 

God women are confusing. Maybe i'll just become a monk and give up the pursuit of ever having sex, a relationship, or anything along those lines.

 

I guess the physical attraction isn't there. I never really considered that my problem. I don't understand how the entire world is hooked up but I can't even go on a date with someone who thinks I'm their best friend.

 

I'm considering just telling her that I can't be just friends but I can't think of ANY way to phrase it withotu sounding like a jerk.

[agent1607307371]

but I can't even go on a date with someone who thinks I'm their best friend.

 

Because women don't date friends. By having "several hour conversations" you reinforced your status as a friend, especially after she'd already made excuses not to go out with you.

[Oddball]

Because women don't date friends. By having "several hour conversations" you reinforced your status as a friend, especially after she'd already made excuses not to go out with you.

 

Ah yes, I had feared that, but that's why I went straight for it in the beginning. I asked for her number specifically in the context of going out. I called her specifically to ask for a date. Why on earth would she continue to talk to me when I've made my intentions clear.

 

It's funny, I've asked two girls out in my entire life. TWO! And this one I've asked out about 10 times. At the very least I'm getting some experience with the fact that rejection does not equal immediate death or combustion, so that's good I suppose

 

I'm thinking of just calling her and saying "Look, I think you're great and i'm glad we're friends, but that will never be enough for me so you I either need you to give it a shot or let's part ways."

 

What's bad is she is pretty above average in looks, probably top 10 percentile, and she is always saying guys only want one thing, so I feel bad coming on increasingly stronger, but damn what's a guy supposed to do? I guess she wants me to become a girl and just talk on the phone for hours about gossip and her problems.

 

I'M A MAN DAMNIT! kinda...

[agent1607307371]

Well, after she rejected you, why did you keep talking to her? She likes you as a friend, that's why she kept communicating. That, and the massive ego boost you were giving her by trying over and over.

 

I'm thinking of just calling her and saying "Look, I think you're great and i'm glad we're friends, but that will never be enough for me so you I either need you to give it a shot or let's part ways."

 

So basically you're going to try and threat/guilt her into going out with you? If you can't be her friend just say "I can't be your friend right now as I want more." If she's already turned you down how many times, I doubt that will change her mind.

[arwen]

I think it's clear that she doesn't think of you as more than a friend. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't generally date people who see you as their best friend. It just means that you shouldn't be dating those who don't see you as more than that. That is to say, my bf is my best friend (and was my best friend for a while before we both felt there was a lot more between us). Being friends is not some 'alternative' to a relationship, it's a fundamental aspect of a relationship in fact.

 

I am sorry she (and womankind in general) was so confusing to you. I guess the one thing that I would generalize is that a lot of women (including myself) would love to have male friends who are not after them in another way than friendship. And this can be confusing, girls won't just hang out with guys when they're interested in dating them, I think a lot of them really like to have guy friends.

[Oddball]

Well, after she rejected you, why did you keep talking to her? She likes you as a friend, that's why she kept communicating. That, and the massive ego boost you were giving her by trying over and over.

 

 

 

So basically you're going to try and threat/guilt her into going out with you? If you can't be her friend just say "I can't be your friend right now as I want more." If she's already turned you down how many times, I doubt that will change her mind.

 

Hah i didn't think of it like that. No I don't want to "guilt" her so I guess I can't say anything.

 

It has always seemed to me that friendship should lead to relationship but I guess not. Maybe women just want guys who are mean to them. I do plan on being obtuse towards her, maybe she'll think it's hot

[Gray Fox]

Get out while you can my friend. Especially if shes as good looking as you said.

[Oddball]

Get out while you can my friend. Especially if shes as good looking as you said.

 

Why specifically?

 

Oh yea I called her today and was as direct as humanly possible. She agreed for Thursday. Feels like a pity date but i'm 23 and never had a girlfriend so maybe I need some pity ...

[Dating Coach]

Flirt with her, tease her some, have a blast, and if things go well move in for a kiss. These ACTIONS show that you are taking this to a level that is above "just friends". If you jsut chat with her like old pals during your date then you're reinforcing the "friendship".

[Oddball]

Flirt with her, tease her some, have a blast, and if things go well move in for a kiss. These ACTIONS show that you are taking this to a level that is above "just friends". If you jsut chat with her like old pals during your date then you're reinforcing the "friendship".

 

Wow you make it sound like breathing

[Dating Coach]

I'm sure it's nervewrecking the first time, I remember it being that way, but the more you force yourself to just go for it the easier it gets. Trust me. The hardest time is the first time.

 

BTW, if she cancels on you, let her go.

[Carmine]

Flirt with her, tease her some, have a blast, and if things go well move in for a kiss. These ACTIONS show that you are taking this to a level that is above "just friends". If you jsut chat with her like old pals during your date then you're reinforcing the "friendship".

 

But on a first date? I always thought that was jumping the gun on the first date...that's why I've always stuck to just conversation in the beginning.

[Oddball]

When you're an awkward nerd like me, flirting is creepy, teasing is harassment, and kissing is assault.

 

I'm sure for someone smooth it would work, but I just don't know how to pull that off

[Mr.Zombie]

Welcome to THE FRIEND ZONE!!! It's nice and comfortable here. There are peanuts and Mountain Dew to your left. I've been here for a while. I'll show you around.

[MinziGirl]

Well, it comes with experience. Now that you have saved some tricks or two here, it will be easier when you meet the next potential.

 

I have an idea: if she just wants you for a friend, then treat her like a friend & stop calling her. Treat her like a friend. See how she reacts. Maybe she will call you again to do something with you. then say: why? I thought you wanted me just as a friend? Then give it time & see how she reacts then.

 

You might have luck after doing this. The thing is: move on with your life. If she comes after you then, good. If not, someone else WILL come after you ;-)

[Oddball]

Well, it comes with experience. Now that you have saved some tricks or two here, it will be easier when you meet the next potential.

 

I have an idea: if she just wants you for a friend, then treat her like a friend & stop calling her. Treat her like a friend. See how she reacts. Maybe she will call you again to do something with you. then say: why? I thought you wanted me just as a friend? Then give it time & see how she reacts then.

 

You might have luck after doing this. The thing is: move on with your life. If she comes after you then, good. If not, someone else WILL come after you ;-)

 

You realize i've gone 23 years with one date? This idea that someone WILL come after me is highly questionable!

 

For whatever reason about 5 girls in my life have considered me a close friend, but not dating material.

 

I'm really nervous about thursday. Part of me feels like this may be my only chance ever. I find my own desperation quite sad but that's how it is! I might come accross more attractively if i didn't think i was so pathetic!

[Dating Coach]

But on a first date? I always thought that was jumping the gun on the first date...that's why I've always stuck to just conversation in the beginning.

 

If her interest level is high enough, chances are it's okay. Sometimes it's not something she's ready to do even if she's interested, but at the very least you are letting her know you are interested.

 

My fiancee did not kiss me the first time or second time I moved in for a kiss, but she continued to go out with me because she had a high interest. The third time really was the charm. Most of the other times I went out, I got a kiss the first time. Other times when I didn't go for a kiss and was too worried about "offending her" I always ended up getting the "we're better off as friends". Probably not soley because I didn't go for a kiss, but because of a culmination of things centered around my flawed dating point of view of "not wanting to offend her" by making a move.

 

The point is, if she is interested in you, you're not likely to ruin your chances by moving in for a kiss after a romantic moment or at the end of the date. I didn't, even when she wasn't ready for that. I'm marrying her. But as we have seen by numerous women posting here-and one not that long ago where a guy didn't go for a kiss right after a date and after giving a present-that a guy can ruin it or at the very least cause confusion by not backing up their interest with action. That girl wanted a kiss after the date/present and he didn't do it, and the next morning she was here posting asking what his problem was or if he just wasn't that interested.

 

So Carmine, to answer your question, if the date is going well, it's perfectly okay to make a move to kiss at the end of it or during a romantic moment where there is a connection. Even on the first date.

[Dating Coach]

When you're an awkward nerd like me, flirting is creepy, teasing is harassment, and kissing is assault.

 

I'm sure for someone smooth it would work, but I just don't know how to pull that off

 

Practice makes perfect. First off, if you are uncomfortable making those moves, it comes accross when you try it. That could make it a little creepy. But how do you plan to get comfortable with it so it's not "creepy" if you won't practice it?

 

You can flirt with friends that are girls for practice. They probably know you're not serious and thus you can get some practice in.

[Carmine]

This is interesting. If I moved in for a kiss and got denied, I wouldn't consider dating the girl again because I'd figure she wasn't interested. I'd never think she would want to go on another date. If someone is interested in you, why would she stop you from kissing her?

[Dating Coach]

This is interesting. If I moved in for a kiss and got denied, I wouldn't consider dating the girl again because I'd figure she wasn't interested. I'd never think she would want to go on another date. If someone is interested in you, why would she stop you from kissing her?

 

She's just more conservative. She strongly expressed interest in other ways, agreed to more dates, was excited about seeing me, etc... but just wasn't ready to lock lips.

 

Now if there were nothing but weak signs from her and she did this, I would have ended it there.

[Oddball]

She called me today to tell me when she was available thursday.

 

Have I somehow fumbled my way to success? Time will tell...

[Carmine]

She's just more conservative. She strongly expressed interest in other ways, agreed to more dates, was excited about seeing me, etc... but just wasn't ready to lock lips.

 

Now if there were nothing but weak signs from her and she did this, I would have ended it there.

 

But what I'm saying is to me, denying a kiss trumps any other sign, no matter how positive. If a girl was flirting with me like crazy, complimented me at every chance, and always gave me that look, but then wouldn't let me hold her or kiss her, I'd assume she would just wanna be friends and just had a flirty personality.

[Dating Coach]

So what you're saying is that if you and a girl are having a great first or second date, everything is going great, and then you make a move which causes her to back up and say, "Hey, I like you but I am just not ready to do that. I never kiss a guy this early", that you would completely dump her and move on?

 

Look, I am all about a guy being able to pick up signals of disinterest and moving on, but that seems a bit harsh to me.

[Carmine]

The thing is how long will it be before she's "ready?" It could be never, because for all I know she's stringing me along as a friend and just reaping the attention she can get. I'd rather not take that risk of wasting my time.

 

I'd be thinking, "Sureeeee you don't kiss guys this early, until the guy you REALLY like comes along...THEN you'll be willing to put out. I was hoping/thinking I was maybe that guy, but I guess I'm not now."

 

If she did really like me but wouldn't kiss me, that would be a red flag to me that she's a prude. If she's waiting to kiss, who knows how long she'll wait to have sex...possibly marriage.

 

Then again, my more caring side is telling me this - if she's legit about not kissing guys too early and isn't just telling me that to let me down, than that means she isn't going around with a ton of other guys. I like that, because I'm not going around with a ton of other girls. Again though, I would be very disappointed if she went too slow or didn't do anything.

 

How about a compromise. If a girl told me that, I'd still see her, but I'd look into other girls at the same time.

[Dating Coach]

A) Of course you can still see other girls as you aren't exclusive.

 

B) It's still extremely early and feeling entitled to a kiss that early on or else you will walk is a bit too much.

 

If I had gone out with my fiancee' over and over and over and she still wouldn't kiss me, that's one thing. But I got the kiss on the third date. It's not like I broke my back for her.