Getting out of this hole / one particular girl

[Carmine]

I've been an a-hole on here for a while. I apologize for that. I've been pretty depressed about a number of things lately and I've kinda been venting my bitterness here. Trust me when I say that I haven't been like this in real life, luckily. I've said before that I've very paradoxical and possibly bipolar, and I figure it's better to focus my a-hole bitter depressed self over the internet than in real life.

 

But I think I'm done with that attitude.

 

All the girls I've been going for - forget them. I don't want to analyze or talk about them any more.

 

For all my time here though, there's been one girl I've known that I've never mentioned. In the beginning we thought of each other merely as friends because she had a boyfriend. Over time though, we started to grow closer and closer. We certainly seem like bf/gf, and a lot of our friends are always asking us about it, but we're not. We spend a lot of time together though. We meet at least 2-3 times a week, usually for a few hours at a time. Last night we walked and talked for 4 hours. Like I said, in the beginning I saw her as a friend, but little by little I've been getting more and more attracted to her, now to the point where I'm thinking about her a lot.

 

Here's the problem - I'm not sure what her status with her boyfriend is. She never talks about him to me. All I know is that he's been gone for a very long period of time. Back when I first started hanging out with her she'd mention him when she'd get a text or something, but she stopped that a while ago.

 

Now before you all judge us and jump on me, I haven't done anything more than hug her. I've been very respectful of her and her potential boyfriend. I'd like for something to happen between us, but I'm fine with staying her friend if that's not possible at this time. She's very different and unique, and I'm happy to have her in my life in some way. Right now, though, I just want to know what's going on. For all I know she and her boyfriend could have broken up months ago.

 

And don't tell me to move on and forget her. I've been moving on for the past few months and trying for other girls, but nothing has worked, as you know. At the same time I've been going after girls who turned out to be crappy picks or flakes that didn't really like me, I've been getting more attracted to her.

 

This girl has been the only one to go out of her way to make plans with me. She'll call me first, text me a lot, and has always found time to come to my shows.

 

So how should I approach this? We have a mutual friend that I could talk to and possibly find out more about what's going on exactly, but I feel like the best way is to talk to the girl directly.

[SpeedingCars]

Ask her directly, that's the best plan.

 

Beating around the bush or going through friends results in mixed messages.

[Umlunguusa]

Hrm...I was in a situation like this...except she had a girlfriend.

 

does she seem attracted to you? if so...I guess it'd be safe to ask her. I mean, if you see her like that...then perhaps she could too!

 

on the other hand...find ways to let the attraction go, and remember, don't always make yourself too available. I'm starting to ponder if that's why my girl left me.

[civilservant]

Before I read the rest of the post Carmine, I'd just like to say you're not an A-Hole. Your posts always have something thought provoking or relevant to say and you are one of only a few posters here on ENA whos posts I look out for.

 

It wouldnt be the same without you

[Carmine]

Ask her directly, that's the best plan.

 

Beating around the bush or going through friends results in mixed messages.

 

I agree.

 

Hrm...I was in a situation like this...except she had a girlfriend.

 

does she seem attracted to you? if so...I guess it'd be safe to ask her. I mean, if you see her like that...then perhaps she could too!

 

on the other hand...find ways to let the attraction go, and remember, don't always make yourself too available. I'm starting to ponder if that's why my girl left me.

 

I like her but I'm not infatuated with her, so to say. But recently it's crossed from me thinking of her as just a friend to me thinking of her in a sexual way.

 

And I sense she feels the same way about me from a bunch of little things. Last night when we hugged each other goodbye it was really drawn out. Neither of us wanted to let go. She rested her head on my shoulder and it just felt so right.

 

She's very mature and by no means is an attention-craver, so I think it's unlikely that she's leading me on just because she enjoys the attention. She takes A LOT of initiative, something that girls who use guys for attention tend not to do. There have been times where I've forgotten about her and went onto other interests but she always contacted me again and came back.

 

And about being too available - I'm too busy to be too available, but with her I feel like I don't need to play those games. When I want to see her, I tell her. She does the same for me.

 

Before I read the rest of the post Carmine, I'd just like to say you're not an A-Hole. Your posts always have something thought provoking or relevant to say and you are one of only a few posters here on ENA whos posts I look out for.

 

It wouldnt be the same without you

 

That means a lot to me man. Thanks.

[duppy_conqueror]

 

 

Here's the problem - I'm not sure what her status with her boyfriend is. She never talks about him to me. All I know is that he's been gone for a very long period of time. Back when I first started hanging out with her she'd mention him when she'd get a text or something, but she stopped that a while ago.

 

 

firstly, HAHA on you carmine your so funny. your not an a-hole dude, seriously, i too look out for your posts. they are interesting. and before i give you my thoughts on your current love situation, can i ask you something? namely, why are you always so tangled up in your love life? i just cant help but think that if you didnt give it so much priority you'd be better off. or that could just be my own sense of bitterness. either way, your thoughts?

meanwhile, i reckon this girl digs you. she never talks about her bf with you and she stopped mentioning texts when he sent them a while go? def. sign she is intrigued/interested in you. just wait it out, i say, give her time to let her feelings unfold and yes, while waiting is somewhat agonising and cyclical, remember that patience is a virtue. theres no need to rush, and if things work out to your advantage it will be so much more worth it.

[D_Lish]

Yeah I agree with everyone else....you aint an a$$hole...

 

I'd just ask the girl directly, if she's still involved with the bf....mention it casually

 

I'm thinking the same as duppy and when he says:

 

i reckon this girl digs you. she never talks about her bf with you and she stopped mentioning texts when he sent them a while go? def. sign she is intrigued/interested in you....

 

Females DON'T mention other guys, around guys they are interested in......

[emeraldina]

hey carmine .. first, like the other guy said .. I never felt you're an a-hole .. I always enjoyed reading your comments.. they're straight forward and true a lot of the times, plus this is what online forums are for .. sometimes you can't go venting your bitterness in real life .. u do it here and hopefully find some understanding ..

 

about the girl, it's seems like a really nice and sincere friendship that u've got and I do believe that the best/worthwhile love relationships are built upon true friendship .. u could talk to her directly.. how you do it depends on how u usually talk to her .. u said she had stopped mentioning her bf to you a while ago .. so you could just casually be like "how are you doing with your boyfriend?" something similar, in a friendly manner .. if she wonders why u're asking .. then just say that you realized she hasn't talked about him for sometime and were wondering .. a good friend does that. I guess you can also ask her if she's seeing anyone .. that would be more direct .. you'd do that if you wanna ask her out.. do something that you're confortable with and that wouldn't affect your friendship in a negative way .. good luck!

[emeraldina]

 

Females DON'T mention other guys, around guys they are interested in......

 

agree with that .. it's defenitly a good sign!

[Carmine]

Well I got the chance to talk to the mutual friend. Unlike past experiences I've had with talking to the friends, she was nice about it. Unfortunately, she said that to her knowledge, the girl and her boyfriend are still very close...he's merely been out of the country. Now that's a good gf...separated for 9 months and doesn't come close to cheating. =)

 

I'm a bit disappointed, but oh well. Thing is I'm kinda all out of options now. This other girl I went on a date with is now suddenly in a relationship (which I'm kinda kicking myself for because I feel like she wanted me to make a physical move but didn't, so she thought I friendzoned her), and there's no one else I'm interested in at this time.

 

I have a show to practice for this week so I'm kinda glad I got this off my chest. Now I can focus.

[JadedStar]

Carmine, you are not an A-Hole. I think that recently your posts seem to have taken on a more bitter tone, but you are not an a hole at all. I am glad you are realizing that an attitude change might be helpful, not for us here on ENA, but in your own life. YOu will be the one to benefit and who should benefit, not us.

 

BUt i just say be cautious with this girl. This is SO common. Girls with a b/f tend to be far more relaxed and friendlier with guy friends than single girls becuase they already have a guy and the nerves are not there or the need to impress to get a date. As such the taken girl can often be far eAsier to feel comfortable with and compatible with. But you have to be very careful because this kind of situation leaves the odd man out hurt and confused more often than odd man out becomes the victor. And since you are already trying to combat bitterness if this ends poorly it won't help your cause much.

 

Please try to not settle your thoughts on just her (doesn't sound like you are, which is good). If the day comes you here she and b/f have broken up, then the playing field changes dramatically. But until then, she is taken. Just treat her as such.

[emeraldina]

well stay friends.. this shouldn't affect your relationship with her and u never know .. you got those claims from her friend .. it may not be entirely accurate.. and that friend of yours may be getting emotionally closer to you .. so don't close any doors just yet .. but meanwhile focus on your music or something else.

[Carmine]

I understand, but if anything I've regarded this girl a friend all along, not as someone I've expected to have something with. By no means am I stuck on her. I'm happy to have her just as a friend.

 

Sigh, let me get something off my chest, though, that was attributing to this bitterness. I feel really weird being in my situation, having no experience with girls. I feel like SOMETHING should have happened by now and that there's been a reason that it hasn't happened. I get really down when I see couples walking around hand-in-hand, or when I come on here and see people talking about the sexual and romantic things they do with their partner. I feel like I'm way behind for my age. I feel like there's something wrong with me - that I'm dull, ugly, not cut enough...I don't know...something.

 

I've overcome the fear of approach or asking out rejection, I'm happy to say. I used to shake before I dialed a girl's number or sent her a text asking her out. Now I do it without even thinking. Despite that though, I'm very reluctant about making any kind of move for physical intimacy with a girl. I've been invited back to 4 different girls' rooms in the past 3 weeks, where it was just the two of us alone. We'd watch a movie or something and nothing would happen...not even me putting an arm around her or something. I have no idea how to do that and I think if I try to do it I'll get the rape whistle blown on me. I grew up being taught that men don't touch women unless the woman does it first, so it's so hard for me to make any kind of initiative in that sense. All 4 of these girls are onto other guys now. They had to have liked me to go out on dates with me and then invite me back to their place, but I wouldn't let myself believe that at the time. I also think that girls have no desire for any kind of sex or physical intimacy, so I never make a move.

[emeraldina]

I also think that girls have no desire for any kind of sex or physical intimacy, so I never make a move.

 

oh yes they do!!!!

 

but you do need to be careful who/when to make a move

[Carmine]

Aw hell, while I'm at it I might as well say it. I'm ALWAYS getting passed up for the lighter looking guy - blonde hair and blue eyes. It's happened so many times, and these are by girls that have my darker traits. It's almost like lighter = universally more attractive.

[ProtestTheHero]

Lol, we are so much alike that it's not even funny. You're saying that you have no experience with girls, but I'm pretty sure you have mentioned that you have had ONS's before, so it's not like it's new to you is it?

 

The only girl I had sex with was a gf of 2 years, and I was hella slow at initiating physical stuff because I had been taught to be a gentleman, and being a gentleman did not entail bending women over my bedpost. She eventually got so sexually frustrated with me that she just jumped me, so I definitely understand that part of it.

 

Something similar happened to me last year. There was a really cute girl in my Arts and Humanities class that I had just had convos with over the course of a week or so, and she started walking back to my dorm with me because she lived next to my complex. The class ended at 10 and she asked if I wanted to come up to her room and "hang" because her roommate was gone and then we could go get lunch afterwards. I told her I was fine because I wouldn't be hungry until after 12. What I didn't realize was what she wanted to do up until 12 PM rolled around, so me in my relatively clueless state totally shot down someone (she took it that way) that I was totally interested in because I was that weird about initiating physical stuff, LOL.

 

I got over the fear of approaching and I am not shy about talking with anyone now, but I am very hesitant to make a physical pass at someone. In my mind I'm just like "No way in the world would me doing this go over well. I'll get slapped, screamed at, brought before RA's, etc. etc." lol.

 

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm a sexual being -- I don't know if that makes sense to you. I have the desire for sex and I feel the same urges that everyone else does, but I have a hard time believing that someone could look at me like that. I don't know if you can relate to that at all.

 

If you figure it out let me know.

[emeraldina]

Aw hell, while I'm at it I might as well say it. I'm ALWAYS getting passed up for the lighter looking guy - blonde hair and blue eyes. It's happened so many times, and these are by girls that have my darker traits. It's almost like lighter = universally more attractive.

 

go blond baby!!!

 

no.. seriously .. don't you think it's the same for girls .. have fun with blonds be serious with brunettes .. I don't have a problem with that .. you shouldn't either and you seem mature on top of the fact that you're not blond .. you're gonna have a hard time poor carmine!!!

have you tried approaching older/mature women .. they're usually not afraid of making a move (physically) ..

[Carmine]

It's always good to see your posts Tyler. Makes me feel like someone's on the same page.

 

go blond baby!!!

 

no.. seriously .. don't you think it's the same for girls .. have fun with blonds be serious with brunettes .. I don't have a problem with that .. you shouldn't either and you seem mature on top of the fact that you're not blond .. you're gonna have a hard time poor carmine!!!

have you tried approaching older/mature women .. they're usually not afraid of making a move (physically) ..

 

not sure exactly all you're saying. I'm really tired and stressed out right now so it could be that I'm reading something wrong...first time I've been stressed over schoolwork in a LONG time lol. But about the light vs. dark thing...I don't know, all the girls I've known have fun with the blonde guys and have relationships with them. they just find them more attractive in every way and only want them.

[emeraldina]

not sure exactly all you're saying. I'm really tired and stressed out right now so it could be that I'm reading something wrong...first time I've been stressed over schoolwork in a LONG time lol. But about the light vs. dark thing...I don't know, all the girls I've known have fun with the blonde guys and have relationships with them. they just find them more attractive in every way and only want them.

 

yeah .. I just read my post and couldn't understand it myself .. I'm doing school work and I'm tired too ..

but mainly what I was saying is this: a lot of guys choose to have fun with blondes because of the steryotypes.. so maybe it's the same thing for guys .. girls may prefer blond guys to have fun .. I'm not even convinced by what I'm saying .. it's just a thought

[Umlunguusa]

hrm, thats funny, every girl I ever asked always say that they find dark looks most appealing; I'm white, but I have tan skin, and dark hair, and deep blue eyes...and I never had trouble getting a fling. just a girl I actually like.

 

now see, the thing here is, confidence is key. and you can usually notice when someone is lacking confidence. I look at it this way: so...if you do get rejected over sex, or asking out a girl...then what? who cares!!! it was just some girl, and you were jsut trying to get laid! however, if it is someone you actually like...take it slower. suggesting something like "hey, you know, I have some time this weekend, and I'm not doing anything, and I enjoyed talking to you so much, I was wondering...? she is not going to laugh!!! you know how when you watch TV, and you see something embarrassing happen to the person, and you kinda root for that guy!?!? trust me, she won't embarrass you, unless she's a real * * * * * .

 

so really, act like you got nothing to lose, be available, talk to everybody, smile at people alot, and chat up EVERYBODY, and you be surprised how fast you'll become the center of positive attention...and remember, to women, nothing is more attractive then confidence; the kind of confidence that says "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF ME BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE I STAND, AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE ME, WHO CARES!?!?!"

[JadedStar]

ha ha NO do not go blonde. I have a guy friend who bleached his hair blonde thinking that would help. he was dark featured like you. He looked like a lightbulb head. Don't do it !! LOL

 

Many women love dark hair on their guys.

[emeraldina]

confidence that says "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF ME BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE I STAND, AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE ME, WHO CARES!?!?!"

 

that's so true .. after all .. people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind

 

a guy/girl has to keep going after what they want the way they feel comfortable with .. until they get to the person who understands them .and accepts them and that person is the one that matters

[Carmine]

trust me, she won't embarrass you, unless she's a real * * * * * .

 

Then I've met a ton of * * * * * es. =p

 

JS - I wouldn't bleach my hair. I've been thinking of shaving it or going with a buzz cut though.

[Bkoguy07]

blonde is wack and so is short hair lol

[Carmine]

I think I'm gonna grow it long again like it used to be (shoulder length). Then when I get bored with that I'm gonna shave the sides and make a long-hair mohawk thing. Then see how long I can go with that before seeing my parents...they would freak, lol.