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How Do You Compete With A Model for an Ex-GF?


xylonurse
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I’ve been in this relationship for awhile now, and everything has been going well so far except… I found out that his ex-girlfriend was a model. He is a very attractive guy, and I’d see how someone as gorgeous as a model would be interested in him.

 

However… I am not a model. I love the person that I am, and I don’t see any reason why he wouldn’t be interested in me. I am honestly a good catch! The only thing I would change about myself (including physical, emotional, and mental characteristics) is that I am considered to be “chubby.” I’ve always felt pretty okay with this, but now that I know his ex was a 5’10, skinny sex machine, I’m starting to feel too inadequate to be in this relationship with him. I consider myself to be good looking, but I mean, how am I supposed to feel next to his ex girlfriend?

 

He says that with me, he feels like he’s never even dated before, and that he can’t help but think about the future that we have together. He says these things, but in my head I’m constantly reminding myself “You know, he dated a model for two and a half years.”

 

I am a very competitive person, and it seems like I can’t help that. I know he tells me that I’m the best person he has dated, but I need to hear from him “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with.” I feel like without that, I can’t be real in this relationship. Deep down, I know that he is truly in love with me, and that he feels much stronger feelings for me than he did for his ex. I KNOW this. I want to know that I exceed his exes in every aspect whether it is intelligence, beauty, or sense of humor. Why am I like this? I am going to ruin this relationship with my competitive streak!

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I really, really hate to say this but you come off as being slightly neurotic. I guess we all have stupid wants from our relationships though so I don't think it's a big deal. However please bear in mind that you wouldn't be the first person to screw up a relationships because of personal insecurity.

 

Try thinking about it this way, this guy's been with a model and now he's with you which should mean that to him, you're a better deal. Again, I don't want to downplay your concerns but most girls think they're more "fat" or "chubby" than they really are.

 

Generic advice here but I hope it helps

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You have to let go of this kind of comparing. It's unreasonable to assume that you will be better in every single possible aspect. To expect it is to invite disappointment in yourself for something that you couldn't possibly hope to achieve.

 

It seems to me that you have a pretty good self esteem and that the only real thing that's holding you back is an idea in your head. Just because someone models doesn't mean they are more beautiful than someone else. It means they decided at some point to try and make money for being attractive. There are plenty of models out there that are much less attractive than people who are beautiful and choose to follow different career paths. Often times the people who decide to focus on more in life than their own beauty are more well-rounded, interesting and intelligent.

 

When it comes down to it. Your bf is with you. He's not with her. And if he's overly concerned with beauty it either speaks highly of your own beauty, or it means that the superficial beauty that you'd find in models doesn't appeal to him. You are the total package and if there's any work to be done (for being 'chubby') you can make exercise/dietary choices in life to work on becoming more of what you want to be.

 

My ex-gf used to mention now and again about how all of my previous girlfriends were SO HOT and that she felt like she couldn't compete. I told her to stop trying to compare because I wasn't at all. I was with her because of all of the wonderful aspects of who she was, and because I found her to be quite attractive. I'm not sure why some people like to compare themselves to a person's ex... it actually got to be quite annoying and we had a few fights over it.

 

Basically, if he doesn't care about it then you definitely shouldn't either.

 

Best of luck

-Rising

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maybe try reminding yourself how much worse it would feel if he was your ex-boyfriend and the model was his new girlfriend after you because you let the need to hear those words drive a wedge in your relationship! The things he's said are amazing, dont look for one specific phrase, he's with you and saying youre the best, believe it. I really wish i hadnt let insecurities drive my ex-boyfriend away and into the arms of someone better!

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He says that with me, he feels like he’s never even dated before, and that he can’t help but think about the future that we have together.

 

I am a very competitive person, and it seems like I can’t help that. I know he tells me that I’m the best person he has dated, but I need to hear from him “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with.”

 

you ARE hearing it from him, not in those words maybe, but different ones...and most importantly, in his actions.

 

He's with YOU not her x

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As the others said, you are going to ruin your relationship if you continue focusing on this issue. You will never be the best because there will always be someone prettier, smarter and more successful than you. You need to get a handle on your competitiveness because even if you married this guy there will always be some other woman in his circle (eg. work colleague etc) who will excel far beyond you in something. He is with you, not his ex so you should be focusing on that. He is looking at the entire package rather than one aspect. Models are not the only women who can be sex machines. You don't have to be stick thin and have perfect skin to be a sex machine. Your body is your body and you have to accept it and not look over your shoulder comparing yourself to others.

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You have to get over this. He is saying the right things, he feels the right way, you are happy together! These are the things to focus on. The issue is something you need to get a grip over because it's your issue; natural as it may be to feel this way, if you dont control it you will lose him.

 

We all have histories and past relationships. Some of the ex partners may be models, rocket scientists, whatever, it does not mean that we should be surrounded by clouds of inadequacy all the time.

 

My ex is a very attractive and successul model. It doesn't mean I will not be happy to be in a relationship with anyone else. In fact, the physical attraction, while important, has less bearing on the functionality of the long term relationship than many other compatibility factors.

 

Just remember you are not required to feel ok standing next to his ex. You are standing next to him and you both feel ok with that!

 

As a side note and just being pragmatic - if you are not comfortable with something like weight - you could invest effort in food & exercise habits... I'm not by any means saying you should, especially not for your partner, but if it is something that bothers you....

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>>I want to know that I exceed his exes in every aspect whether it is intelligence, beauty, or sense of humor.

 

Why? That is a silly thing to aspire to. So lets say he tells you that (even if it were true), then what? Does that make the relationship any better? You a better person?

 

You first have to get over the fact that you can be 'best' at anything. There will always be someone prettier/smarter etc. in this world. That is just the way the world works. So you just need to get over the idea that you are the best, or will ever be the best when it comes to looks, intelligence, whatever.

 

You need to learn to be happy with who you are and recognize that that kind of competitiveness is a waste of time and counter to achieving important goals in life.

 

So if you really really believe you need to be his 'best', then just break up with him now because you are not going to be a model. But who cares if you are a model. If he were happy with her, he'd be with her, not you. He wants you, or at least he does now, until you wreck it by being envious of a phantom girl from his past. It really is very unflattering and tiring to him for you to whine to him about something he doesn't care about anymore, and even if he did, there's nothing he can do about it.

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Hey everyone,

I really appreciate all of the responses. They seriously made me feel a lot better.

 

My issue is that with everything that's been in my life, I've worked hard and I have been the best at it. I really have. I'm a perfectionist, and it's always worked to my advantage. This is the first time I feel like hard work can't change something. (On that note, I've been working out for the past couple of months for MYSELF, so I'm not one of those people who's like "I wish I was like this" and never does anything about it.)

 

Why can't I always try to be the best at everything? I think it's the standard everyone needs to set for themselves anytime they do anything. I don't think that stems from insecurities because I am confident in myself, and love myself enough to put effort into everything that I do. The answer I really need to know is why is it wrong?

 

Again, I really appreciate all of your guys' input. I have to ask though, of the relationships you've been in, hasn't everyone had moments where they've compared their exes to their current partners? Hasn't everyone had worries that their current person was doing the same thing? Isn't this normal to feel this way? I feel like one of those people feeling sorry for themselves, and forcing you guys to listen lol. I really do appreciate the input though.

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I think all this comparison stuff might be complicating the situation more than it really is. Some of us are more inclined to scrutinize ourselves because of the way we were brought up. Things like having competitive siblings or a parent who had favourites might lead one to have the feelings you describe later in life.

 

The bottom line is that all us feel it, but some of us have it worse than others. For you, unless your boyfriend's ex was Heidi Klum or Alessandra Ambrosio I wouldn't worry too much. Most models are overrated anyway.

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The answer I really need to know is why is it wrong?

 

Again, I really appreciate all of your guys' input. I have to ask though, of the relationships you've been in, hasn't everyone had moments where they've compared their exes to their current partners? Hasn't everyone had worries that their current person was doing the same thing? Isn't this normal to feel this way? I feel like one of those people feeling sorry for themselves, and forcing you guys to listen lol. I really do appreciate the input though.

 

It is not 'wrong' but it is impossible! You have to be realistic with your targets. It's ok wanting to excell but it's just not feasible to be 'the best' (whatever defines that) at everything. And why should it be? If all of us went around like that ... wow ... what a horrible vibe that would create! I prefer the attitude where you want to do the best you possibly can but not because it is better than the person next to you, just because it is testing your own ability! ... Also, this is all quite difficult to translate to looks since some of that you will have no control over anyways!

 

Personally, I have compared exes and also compared myslef with their exes. It seems a bit of a futile exercise though and was most prominent in relationships, which I now see as a little childish. I hope that next time I get into a rel. I am smart enough to avoid all that So I guess from my perspective the feelings you are experiencing are kinda normal. It's just a matter or controlling them and making sure any negative vibes do not spill out into your relationship!

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Personally, I have compared exes and also compared myslef with their exes. It seems a bit of a futile exercise though and was most prominent in relationships, which I now see as a little childish. I hope that next time I get into a rel. I am smart enough to avoid all that So I guess from my perspective the feelings you are experiencing are kinda normal. It's just a matter or controlling them and making sure any negative vibes do not spill out into your relationship!

 

your first paragraph struck me because this is exactly what happened with me. His ex was a bubbly blonde and I couldnt live up to her, but i think he was a little childish for making comparisons.

 

strange thing is, now we've broken up his new g/f looks like me

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Grass is always greener! Speaking as one of those 5'10" skinny girls like your BF's Ex, I had to come to my own grips with self-identity! It's not automatically great for us. We tower over all the other girls, and our curves are often more subtle than someone who's 5'5" and *POW*. Point is, there's men out there that like my body type, but there's plenty of men out there who'd go for your body type over mine and your BF's Ex any day of the week. You and I just need to learn to be cool with that. Could be your BF is more physically attracted to you than he ever was to her...all bony and long and sheeit!

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ha.. i was in a relationship with a guy like this once. we got along pretty well. but this was one thing which was an issue to me.

it made me insecure that he had dated model(s).. and also that he seemed to put alot of enfasis on looks. then again i was flattered he considered me "hot" even though i am 5'3 and weigh 125lbs.. i'd have to lose 10-20 lbs to look like one. it made me inecure that he was IN LOVE and wanted to spend his life with her at one point. and i just felt like i'd never be this type of "trophy wife" to him.

i dont think u should let it other u. he was with his ex, who was a model but maybe u have an even better character then her and he feels way more for u. think back to other guys u have liked/dated who may have looked better then ur bf. did u feel more for them b/c they where cute? doubtfull.. lust yes. but it wasnt enough for u to want to be with them.

i'm not saying its easy to ignore, but at least ur bf doesnt seem to be putting enfasis on u losing weight, or trying to change u. he likes u how u are, and him saying what u mentioned, makes it seem like he is really into u.

try not to focus on the ex at all. it's all about YOU AND HIM NOWWW.

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I want to know that I exceed his exes in every aspect whether it is intelligence, beauty, or sense of humor. Why am I like this? I am going to ruin this relationship with my competitive streak!

 

But you do exceed his exes in every aspect that matters, or you wouldn't be with him now! You've WON!!! He dated a model for 2.5 years, and you've still won!!!

 

I was told by one of my ex's (many years later) that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen naked. But it wasn't me he subsequently got engaged to (it's OK, I'm long over that one!).

 

Please appreciate what you've got, and stop comparing yourself to others.

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For some guys, looks are a bonus and are in the eyes of your loved one.

I see my GF as very very beautiful and she is. She has flaws as we all do, thats what makes her special.

So what, that his ex was beautiful, I bet she doesn't have the same traits as you as a person within.

It's not looks that all guys hope for, it's being loved the way they need to be loved.

The same as you.

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Hi Xylonurse! Here are quotes from two of your posts:

 

'I don't think that stems from insecurities because I am confident in myself, and love myself enough to put effort into everything that I do. The answer I really need to know is why is it wrong?'

 

'I am going to ruin this relationship with my competitive streak!'

 

(Sorry - I don't know how to put quotes from two separate posts into one reply!).

 

The point I'm making is that you seem to have answered your own question. It's not a question of being morally wrong - which you certainly aren't - but in the same way that I don't think you'd love your partner less if there were other guys around who are better looking/richer/higher IQ - self-love doesn't come from a place where you're only worthy if you're better than everyone else. It comes from accepting yourself JUST AS YOU ARE, even if there are things you'd like to change or improve; acceptance being the opposite of denial, rather than just a passive response.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if you loved yourself enough not to try and jeopardise your own happiness!

 

All the best, however you decide to deal with this!

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  • 1 month later...

Perhaps this might help you a bit

 

I ended a four year relationship this year with a guy who I loved very much, deep down he had good qualities, smart, so good looking, charming personality...but he also had a dark side, which is drugs and an over bearing, jealous, possessive mother. This made him very insecure, weak, unhappy, wasteful, destructive, cowardly, unreliable, self-centered, and many other things.

 

All in all this made him very unattractive to me and I finally had to end it.

 

Do you think your bf is too good for you? Sounds like he is a great guy, but he is not better than you nor is his ex. Because nobody is better than anyone else, just different.

 

For example I am 5'1", puerto rican/irish/native american...I have a big round rump, chiseled facial features, and very curvy...and not for one single second would I trade who I am to be some tall, anorexic, bleach blonde with fake boobs trying to compete with other girls for this years most beautiful.

 

Who says if your rich, famous, handsome, beautiful that you are happy??? Most people in all walks of life are just trying to survive, stay off the streets, and put a dollar in the bank so they are not pushing cans around in the middle of winter when they are 65.

 

Hon, looks are going to fade, everyone to some degree has issues, fears, and insecurities. If you are healthy then you are blessed.

 

A strong person mentally is very attractive...be dynamic, independent, financially secure, have your own mind, leadership qualities, fullfill your dreams...there is alot you can do.

 

We are all who we are none better than the other, because we are going to pass oneday so make the most of this moment.

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heya--

 

i am kinda sorta in a similar situation, but it's not really an ex-thing. the guy i'm seeing now works with models and i got really mad because i noticed he was inappropriately flirtatious with them. i told him so, and he defended his stance, saying he was just playing the game, trying to get work from them, yadda, yadda.

 

the problem was that our sex life took a dip, and i started growing more insecure because i felt he was devoting more time to these models than to me--and what got me really worked up was that he wasn't saying or doing anything to give me any reassurance about his feelings for me. all he said was that i was a real person in his life and these chicks are just photos on a page.

 

i want to believe that, but to this day really don't feel like i've gotten that special reassurance from him that i am more special, interesting or exciting than these girls/women. if the rest of the relationship was solid and our sex life rocked, i wouldn't feel this way. but until that changes, i will always have residual resentment/anger, and won't feel confident.

 

your boyfriend is different, though. he has used specific words and taken specific actions to show you that you are the most special to him. he doesn't seem to have anything lingering with his ex, and he has said so many beautiful things to you to let you know you are his #1. that is what's ultimately the most important thing he can say to you--NOT that you are more beautiful than the ex.

 

that's just what i've been craving from my guy, and thus far, i haven't really gotten it. i got a bit more reassurance today [after reading this, i HAD to bring it up to him], but the sex is still really lame. i know he is under stress, and also taking medication which affects his libido, but it's still a tough thing for me to go through. if we were more romantic or he was writing me more love notes, i wouldn't feel so insecure about the other models. you are not in that situation.

 

also remember this: all those models are just that: models. a form on which clothes, hair and makeup are draped--just like a mannequin in the store. this does not make them more special or even more beautiful. most of them are just blessed with good bone structure and skinny bodies that photograph well--doesn't really mean they are all that in real life. anyone looks great with a ton of makeup and some photoshopping. i have seen some of the work my guy does, and it's unbelievable how gorgeous they make these women look. even the ones with awful skin. yes, some models are truly naturally gorgeous, with little or no makeup, but that's really an exception, not the norm. and big deal if they are beautiful--it doesn't make them better, smarter, nicer [in fact, i've met quite a few that have deeper insecurities than me--or that are incredibly dumb--sometimes to the point that i feel bad for them].

 

i am competitive like you, too. but i know i cannot compete [nor do i want to] on some superficial level like looks. i would like to have a better body, and am working on that, but if i start to compare myself to these women, i will make myself crazy and put any chance of building a good relationship at risk. i still DO need a special kind of reassurance from my guy--like what your guy gave you--but i also have to look within myself to get to the root of my insecurity and learn to like my looks just like they are--even though i am not photogenic.

 

as far as comparisons go--we all do that, and to a certain extent it's okay [ie--if you see someone has the exact qualities as someone you just broke up with, that's a comparison that might help you!]. but in the grand scheme, it doesn't really serve anyone. everyone needs to be taken on their own terms, and each situation has to be viewed as unique.

 

it really sounds like your guy is into you, so i think you should relax and go with it. if you're really so inclined, get some nice pictures of yourself and be his 'supermodel.' he might dig it. however, your guy seems together enough that he might see it as you competing with the ex, and it could backfire.

 

i think you have a special thing going--just continue to enjoy it. he thinks you are beautiful and special just like you are, so eat it up! i'm hoping my guy comes around soon enough, coz he has some qualities i like very much.

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