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there it is.. the end of the rope

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I'm a 42 year old male. I have had a turbulent life. Ever since I was a child I have had emotional and social problems. i.e. 1) attempting suicide when I was none 2) drinking when I was twelve 3) Vandalism from eight to fifteen. I have never fit in anywhere except for a time when I hung out with substance abuse users. I have had very few friends over the last 25 years and the 2 I have had were very negative influences, and that really just took advantage of me. I have had girlfriends for short periods of time but they were just party girls. I was married once to a woman that took advantage of me for a Visa to the country. I have no children. I have no one I can talk to and have essentially been completely alone the last 3 years. No social interaction outside of 1 time when my landlord took me out for a beer. I talk to my parents a couple times a year when I call them. No other family in my life.


I got my BA degree in psychology in 1994, in hindsight, for primary self-help reasons. I thought at the time I wanted to help others but the truth was I didn't want myself nor anyone else feeling like I did or dealing with the things I had dealt with. I had plans for graduate school but worked in the helping profession's for about three years before going back to school to getting a computer science degree - with the help of the division of vocational rehabilitation. I loved working with autistic children and head-trauma patients but I couldn't get alone with other co-workers. I felt shunned, isolated, and ganged up on. My best intentions and efforts only seemed to make the other workers hate me more.


Seen 1999 when I got my computer degree I have worked six contract jobs and one permanent position in the field from 1999-2004. I completed the contracts but was never invited to join the company. The 1 permanent position I left after 1 year after feeling the same things described in paragraph above. Since 2004 I have held 7 jobs. One contract I completed after a year at microsoft. Another permanent position was with a mental health center as an adult case manager and they let me go after 2 months. 2 others I quit after a month or so. My last position was another contract at microsoft and they let me go after 2 weeks saying i pretty much didn't fit in with the FTE's there. I have worked maybe 4 months out of last 1 1/2 years. The only thing that has kept me from being homeless is relying on my credit during this time.


I feel so terrible. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm scared to leave my apartment. Sometimes I won't leave for weeks. I go to bed praying I won't wake up. I feel like I am at the end of my rope like I have never felt before. I feel cursed in this life. I don't know to find the will to go on in life? I don't no where to turn for help?

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Ok socks, you need to find a therapist who works on a sliding scale and go see them. A degree in psych is not enough. Obviously you are not relating well to others & it is causing problems. Further isolating yourself is not going to help you learn "normal" interactions. There is no where to go here but up. You are obviously very good at what you do, but your social skills seem to be (if I understand correctly) causing you an issue. Do you have any examples of social situations? That may be helpful

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