Grieving Partner, What Should I Do?

[ALittleGreen]

Hey everybody, I just found this site and I think it's such a great idea...I'm hoping to find some good insight here. I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months. We have had some hard times for a few reasons. I'm 26 and he's 39 and my relationship experience has been pretty limited. He was in an 11 year relationship that went bad (really bad), so we have each had some issues to get through...the good news is that we have been important enough to each other that it's been worth trying to work through. When he was in the last relationship, he adopted 3 dogs, 2 of which he had lost by the time I met him. He had to put the 3rd down this past Tuesday (four days ago). This dog was his world, the one thing that was consistently there for him when nothing (or no one) else was. Needless to say, he's grieving pretty heavily. I knew this was coming so we talked a few weeks ago about how he best deals with things like this...he was very clear in saying that he needs space when he's grieving someone/something. I have tried to be very conscious of his need for alone time since he put her down, and we have not seen each other since it happened (I obviously offered to be with him but he said he needed to be alone). We have talked a few times on the phone and I offered earlier this afternoon to bring him/cook him/take him out for dinner tomorrow...he said he wasn't sure and that we could talk about it tonight, but today he felt like being alone. I'm getting so much disputed feedback from people on the situation...some say they can completely understand what he must be going through and to give him time and space...others say they don't understand it because they would want their partner to be with them. I don't want to add to his stress by questioning if this loss has affected what he feels he's capable of with regards to our relationship, but I'm having trouble figuring out if this is something I should be concerned about. If not right now, at what point should I worry that we haven't gotten together (a week, 2 weeks, longer)? Sorry for the long post but any advice would be much appreciated.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

People deal with loss and bereavement in different ways. Some want support and to be able to talk but other just need to process it on their own - to hibernate so to speak.

 

I doubt this has anything to do with you or the strength of your relationship because he was upfront about how he needed to cope. And he will appreciate your understanding and forbearance.

 

Be ready to be there for him when he needs you and don't bear a grudge - it's just his way.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

People deal with loss and bereavement in different ways. Some want support and to be able to talk but other just need to process it on their own - to hibernate so to speak.

 

I doubt this has anything to do with you or the strength of your relationship because he was upfront about how he needed to cope. And he will appreciate your understanding and forbearance.

 

Be ready to be there for him when he needs you and don't bear a grudge - it's just his way.

 

 

I totally agree with this. I think it says a lot about the strength of your relationship that he discussed this with you beforehand and gave you the heads up that this is the way he operates. There are other things he might be processing as well..remember that the dog was also tied in with his last relationship..so the loss of the dog might also bring back thoughts about how his last relationship went sour. How long after the end of his last relationship did you two get together. Did he have sufficient time to mourn that loss? Give him the time he needs...just check up on him from time to time to see how he is doing..but don't push it. As long as he knows you are there for him if he needs you, that is what counts. Let him deal with this loss in his own way. Forget about what the other people say...everyone is different. While they may want people around, others deal with loss by retreating into themselves for a while.

[ALittleGreen]

Thanks to both of you for your response. The last relationship ended about 4 years ago, so there is quite a bit of distance b/t the last one and ours. He was very hurt by his last partner, there was infidelity at play as well as some control issues. He has expressed an openness to seeking counseling to try to work through his grief and overcome some of his relationship hang-ups (he has a difficult time discussing our future b/c his past experiences have led him to feel that relationships always end at one point or another regardless)...I love this guy very much and I certainly don't want to do anything that will jeopardize our future together because I don't have the patience or assurance to ride out this storm...I'm just so used to us talking every day and seeing each other every other day or so that I'm fighting feeling insecure about the state of our relationship right now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your feelings and fears are perfectly understandable. In relationships things are not always going to go smoothly. Just view this as a bump along the way that could ultimately bring you closer together as you weather this storm.

[lumu]

I'm going through that right now. I have a budding relationship with a man that i feel like no other but a week after the first date there was a suicide attempt in the family and he had to rush home. His mother isn't taking it well and she is not seriously ill too.

 

He's not really responded to me other then to write and say he and his sister are trying to hold the family together and he is afraid. He wasn't ready to lose his mom.

 

I wrote some things to let him know its not his fault and to try and be positive as that will help his mom recover and that I am at his disposal if he should needs anything. But we've only known each other for a month and I know I'm not that trusted person for support yet even if he feels as much for me as I do for him.

 

Also grieving means that romance is the furthest thing on his mind right now. I am sorry about his family and I really want to meet his mom so I hope she will recover. I am so afraid that if she does pass on his feelings will go dead and my chance for bliss will go with it.

 

Nothing you can do but be support, patient and give them time and space. If its real then it will be real after the greiving is over.