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To move or not to move?


IsAseceret
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Hi everyone who's reading this! Here is my "story".. situation:

(I KNOW THIS IS LONG, BUT I REALLY NEED SOME GENUINE OPIONIONS ON THIS, SO PLEASE BARE WITH IT)

 

Some facts:

I'm 23, he just turned 30.

He lives in L.A., and I live in New York

 

 

 

I met a guy through a dating website online. He sent me a message, but since I saw that he's not really my type PLUS from Los Angeles, I ignored him. He tried messaging me again, and wrote something really funny. I was bored, so I figured I'd reply just for the heck of it, since he thought of something so funny, and I had nothing better to do.

 

We then began talking, and he was hilarious! We started talking about dating, family, views, future, etc. and I found myself being drawn to this guy based on his personality and character.

 

It was 2 weeks before my college spring break vacation, and none of my friends would go on vacation with me. I really wanted to get away somewhere. After only about 2 weeks of talking to him, he paid $800 to fly me out to L.A. to stay with him for 4 days. I figured even if I wouldn't be attracted to him, atleast i'd get to go away somewhere for my break, and meet a cool guy, and if anything make a good friend. I was pretty sure I wouldn't be into him, because he's not my usual type. Though I still thought

there was something kinda attractive about him.

 

I told my parents and friends and just as you're probably thinking, they thought I was crazy! They were really worried, and told me I shouldn't go. They scared me with all sorts of stories, telling me watch this turn into a lifetime movie. I completely understood their concern, but I had a good feeling inside. Plus this wasn't new for me. I've flown out to a different state before, twice, and both times the guys were REALLY GREAT people, just for one reason or another a relationship didn't work out, but they were nicer and better than most the local guys. Also, i'm pretty careful and safe about asking certain questions, validating certain information, and letting them know that I won't have sex with them, so if they are expecting it, they shouldn't fly me out. It's a good way to get rid of the perverted jerks and see a guys' intentions.

 

So I flew out to California, and met him. I stayed at his place for 4 days, then my flight got cancelled so I ended up staying a 5th (which we were both excited about). It was the most amazing week of my life. He made me feel like a princess. His personality was soo great. He opened doors, car doors for me each and every time (which he never stopped doing), he was very caring, made sure i was comfortable, had everything I needed, provided me with everything and anything, before I even had a chance to ask for something, it was there. He was sweet, charming, really really really funny, caring, seemed genuine, loyal, family oriented, smart, creative, talented, artistic, hard working(good job, has his own business), generous, fun, outgoing, motivated. During that trip he got me flowers each day, whether he bought them, picked them, or made them out of napkins. I flew back home, thinking wow, what a great guy. The only doubt I had was the looks factor, since he's not my usual type, and sometimes I can tend to be shallow, it's the only thing that made me have my doubts. Though we did kiss, and I was attracted to him. But his personality is definatly what did me over.

 

So I get back home and tell my family and friends. My parents, who tried to convince me not to fly out there, cuz they were worried, plus they thought whats the point of meeting someone so far, they wouldnt want me moving away so far...they then actually told me they think I should fly back and get to know him better, and see how it goes.

 

I ended up flying back out there and staying with him for 3 months over my college summer break. It was an interesting expereince living with someone after seeing them only 5 days. We had a good summer together though, even though things weren't perfect, and we had some arguments, but I dont think anything most couples don't have.

 

I was trying to apply for school out there, but I missed the deadline, and realized it's alot more expensive for a non-resident, and I'd lose credits. So now I'm back in NY finishing up college. I'm taking extra classes/credits to finish up asap just incase I decide to move back there. I should be just about done this June.

 

I flew out there once more for his 30th birthday for 1 week. But next, it's his turn to visit me.

 

 

HERE COMES THE SUGGESTION PART...

 

MY CONCERNS:

Is he the one? I dunno how to know. He's a great guy, good person, would prob. make a great father and husband. But I dunno how to KNOW when someone is THE ONE. I've had an ex bf which i'd cry like crazy knowing I wouldn't be with him, or thinking he'd be with someone else, even though the guy did not treat me well, and was selfish(we were together almost 3 years.. and broke up 2 months before I met the guy from California). Yes I finally got the courage to end things, not take him back, and move on (best thing I coulda done). But w/ this guy, I feel like, I can be ok with or without him. I don't have as much of an attachment, or the crazy loving feelings I had for my ex. With my ex my decisions were made with my heart, with this guy it's with my head. Thinking what's best for me, for my future, for the future of my kids that i'd hopefully someday have. So I wonder how you're supposed to feel when you know you want to marry someone, or when they're "the one."

 

I also worry cuz if we ended up together i'd have to move there. I like it more in NY than out there. I'm used to NY pple, I don't really get the pple out there.. they're different. Different vibe living there.

Also, it makes me really sad, to the point of crying, knowing i wouldnt have my parents, sister, and neice/nephew in my life. And if I ever had kids there, I'd want my parents there in their life the way they are for my sisters kids, and knowing they wouldnt be, really saddens me

I think it saddens me even more, because even though they want this to work out for me, and support me moving out there, because from what they know and hear about him, they think I should. Though deep inside, I think they'll miss me.. i think it'll get to them that they can't see how i'm living, my kids, my marriage, me, my life. I mean, I'm their youngest daughter out of 2 kids. I didn't have an easy childhood, I was a problem child when I was younger, and they were always there for me. I kinda feel like i'm abandoning them. Like i'm taking something good they coulda had, outta their life. (I'm crying as I write this, cuz it really hurts to think about it).

 

Plus, i'd have no1 there except him. His friends (which he has many, and I dont) and his family don't really count, it's not the same, Ya know? I wish i could have a relationship with his parents like the 1 i had with my ex's parents, they were real close to me and loved me. I don't feel that from his family. I don't think his family is that warm towards new people. His parents are divorced, and older, in their mid 60's. Mine are in their low 50's. If not for him, I feel really alone there. When I was out there for 3 months and if we'd have an argument or something, I felt like I had noone to go to, or speak to. I also didn't want to get my friends (which i don't have many of, and no best friends) and i didn't want to get my family involved cuz i didn't want them to worry or be concerned about me. Also, cuz 1 day u'll have an argument, tell someone, next minute you make up, and this person thinks bad of them. I didn't want that either. So I guess I just feel like I have no one there but him. No one else to count on.

 

I also think.. which I know is not good to think about such things, but I dunno, I do. Also, probably because the same thing happened to his mom. She moved from NY to LA had kids, got divorced and stayed there because she didn't want to take them away from their father. What if we got married, i moved there and g*d forbid we were to get divorced and i had a child(ren)? I wouldnt wan't to stay there, i'd want to move back to NY and be closer to MY family. But I dunno if legaly ur allowed to? even if morally it would be right to take ur kids so far from there dad.

 

So it's kinda alot going through my mind...kinda scared. I think soon i'll be ready for marriage, and I want to figure these things out before I waste time.

 

Whatchya think???

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I don't know why I get a feeling to write this. A guy can be all sweet lovey dovey, to just ring you in. Then they have you and turn into a crazy, abusive psycho path. Why can't he move to New York? I mean La isn't nearly as expensive as new york, well the city and from what I hear. But here in LA it is quite pricey!!! I really don't think you know this man well enough to move. Something just doesn't seem right here. The fact you don't find him so attractive as in your type, people change as they get older. It will eventually get to you and hit you hard.

 

I don't think your allowed to bring children out of state without the fathers permission.

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Yes the 1st week I met him he was definatly trying way harder. But It's usually like this when you 1st meet a guy. Then their true colors show, and they don't do sweet things as often. So I got to see him at his best, and trust me, i've seen him at his worst. Things aren't perfect with us, we argue, fight about stupid stuff, and make-up. He's easy to make up with, which I like. He's also got a good heart and conceince.

 

We're both pretty blunt and upfront from the start. And living together 3 months, we didn't try to be our best, or put up a front. We were just us, good pple, not perfect.

 

I've met over 20 of his friends, and almost all his family member who live out there. I spent about 4 or 5 days outta the week with his parents, and sibling. So I feel I know who he's about and where he comes from. I met all his co-workers as well. They all think he's a good guy.

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That is good you just have to wait and see. Wait and see how he is with your friends and family. There was always this general blind rule of not moving for someone. But I think you guys should try long distance first. At least know him for a good 1 to 1 1/2 years before moving. LA we have some horrible air here, LOL. What city is he from if you don't mind me asking? I can give you some background on the area if ya like!

 

If you think your ready for marriage, you really shouldn't till you know him in person, living day to day with him for a good year, 2 would be best. You do have to think about things like kids though. Although that is something you don't want now, do you later? How does he feel about that? Your moving and you basically see a future with him, does he with you?

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I have a lot of problems with this situation

1) You didn't know him from a hole in the wall and yet you agreed to have him pay the entire shot for you to come see him..plus you stayed at his place.

2) You went down and stayed at his place for 3 months when you barely new him.

3) Why didn't you think about the distance factor and the logistics before you agreed to meet him. If you are not overly enthusiastic about moving accross the country why even meet him in the first place.

4) You are running ahead of yourself thinking marriage, children etc. You haven't been together very long. If you are not overly enthusiastic about him anyway, why bother with all of this. You are young and it is no point settling and regretting it later.

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Crazy you do have a point. She is not overly thrilled about this guy. I think there are certain things about him that she likes, but in time may only see him as a friend. You do mention his looks aren't your type. You need to try to distinguish if this is more of a friend or bf material guy. I mean if you met him, it would of been better to stay at a hotel over his place though. Do you have chemistry with him? Not just getting along with him, but chemistry?

 

This guy is 30. At an age where he could easily want to be married soon and have kids. So he may just be in need of trying to find a woman right now, not the right woman.

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I'm pretty familiar with his area.. and i've seen alot of L.A. , Its nice when vacationing, and it's very pretty, and nice houses, palm trees, good weather. All which we don't really have out here. But I felt the people were all kinda diff. than what i'm used to. Kinda boring, not much character, and fake.. though i guess in NY pple can be fake too. But there they seem overly friendly yet i feel its not genuine. Alot of "pretty pple" who just talk about their dogs and clubs, and i noticed alot of the females there don't work.. or if they do it's "acting/modeling." Not really the type of people i'm used to out here. Here everyone is very goal oriented and looking to achieve alot more than just a nice tan and outfit. Seems like an easy laid back glamorous life there. Just, different than how it is here.

Where in LA are you?

 

What do you think of the whole, moving away from family, if i decided to move there permanently? Also, he likes NY and would move here if he could. But I doubt he will, his company is out there, thats where he makes his $ and meanwhile it's not like I have a real job yet, cuz I'm still in school. And as close as I am to my family, he's even closer to his.

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Hahahaha oh my God I nearly fell to the floor laughing. That seriously is LA. FAKE, FAKE, FAKE snobby rude people here! It is so rare to find the good ones!! Go to orange county, especially gyms you will see the typical "barbie" bleached blond hair pony tail. hahaha. San Fernando Valley, I'm not originally from here. Say you go to big bear, (mountains about 2 hours away driving from LA), ya come down to La again, IT SMELLS, the smell you never notice because your so used to it. Another bad thing, I don't know if anywhere else you can't have a cell phone in hand while driving, only head sets!

 

I think your not too comfortable to move away from your family, but it is a big step in life. You are growing up! You could always see them on some holidays. You said he is close with his, so that be hard to break up holidays to go to which family for the holidays! Pricey too, but if he can afford $800 to fly you out, then on your income you pay for your ticket, he pays for his. I personally really can't stand my family, only my dad, that is the only person I am close to. It be hard as hell to move away, but I know he would most likely follow. He has said it before. You kind of just got to really think, do you see your family everyday? How often do you see them? If you moved to LA the phone bill would be running up, but then again cell phones don't charge for long distance right? If you did have kids, possibly your immediate family would fly down to see the baby, or maybe your mom would stay for the 2 weeks before your suppose to. To be there for you.

 

Even though it is just dating, your not into the engagement getting married phase, you have to somewhat bring it up. The sort of what he sees himself in 2 years, or if he wants kids and things like that. So you don't move there and have a conflict that is so big that you could of settled before moving.

 

You don't know a lot of his behaviors though. Like the joke, "your not really comfortable with a man and he is not that comfortable unless he changes and farts around you."

 

You have to set in, that you can't always or I don't know how that is go hang with him and his friends. So you may have some alone nights not going out if you don't make too many friends. That can arise some problems though. Ideally him moving to New York be the easiest. Oh ya here you do need a car to get around. Anyways, the job market is not great anywhere though. Especially here so finding a job is a tough one. I think sending resumes out first before moving would be a lot wiser.

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I offered to pay many times, but he kept insisting to pay for the flight.

 

I coulda stayed at a hotel, but I had a good vibe, and he had an extra room, which I coulda stayed at in his house if I chose to.

 

Though, I am attracted to him, just I've been w/ guys who looked different, more my type, and ones i found visually more attractive. Though our chemistry is great! When i'm with him, i'm very sexually attracted to him. Just i'm used to getting THE hottest.

 

I didn't really think about the long distance before the 1st time I met him, cuz I thought I'd go there, only like him as a friend, have a good time, and fly back.

 

Then when I flew out there for 3 months, I got home sick. But towards the end when I had to fly back home, I felt even worse, and wanted to stay there with him, but couldn't cuz of school. Though when I got back to NY, I felt like "home" kinda missed the dirty streets and all lol. I guess it's just what i'm used to. There I felt like a tourist, which I didn't like. Here i feel like I can be more independent, cuz I know my way around.

 

He's pretty serious, and so am I. I think, once I finish school, he'd want me to move out there. And if things are going well w/ his business maybe soon enough prupose, who knows. He know's I want marriage and kids soon. He wants those things too, he just wants to make sure he's stable, considering the economy now a days. We've discussed kids, marriage, raising a family, etc.

 

I can't say i'm "crazy about him" ... but he's a priority in my life now. I like having him in my life. I've met lotsa guys while i was single after my ex, and went on lotsa dates, and they were hot and cute and nice and fun, and there were lotsa good things about them. But just I wasn't willing to settle with any of them. I kept wanting to see what else is out there. Couldn't picture living with them or them fathering my future kids.

 

With this guy, I just think he's got alot going for him. I look at him as a role model and look up to him and appreciate him. And would want my kids to have such a guy as their father. I'm not CRAZY head over heals for him. But then again, I was for my ex, and he was a jerk to me.

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You may be settling. You find a man that has good qualities, is a good person. Then you can convince yourself to like him because you think he be a good person to be with. That he can provide, be there and all that stuff you want. But there has to be love, there has to be passion, yes there has to be chemistry. You have to think outside the box in a sense. Maybe you can convince him to change his hair style, or buy him a cute outfit, to see if that make him more appealing? I just don't see why you give into a man you aren't completely floored for.

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4) You are running ahead of yourself thinking marriage, children etc. You haven't been together very long. If you are not overly enthusiastic about him anyway, why bother with all of this. You are young and it is no point settling and regretting it later.

 

This is what stood out the most to me right here.

 

Moving that far is a huge step. I'm actually about to make the opposite move myself in a week - from CA to NY.... but I can't imagine doing it for just a guy - let alone a guy I wasn't 100% sure about.

 

And you don't seem sure about him. You seem like "well.. maybe I might wanna kinda try and see about giving it a shot..... and get MARRIED"... what?? And well, that might not be your actual thought process, or the way things work out in reality... but why not slow things down a bit?

 

If you do want to try a real relationship with him, why not be long distance for a bit, and then if the feelings are still strong... why not weigh options and plans... pros and cons... and then think about maybe moving... not JUST to be with him and live with him, but to live on your own out in CA and continue a close range relationship... so that if things fail, you still have a safety net in place and he isn't your only lifeline? Maybe also explore other job options, etc. out west... There is a lot more to look into with a big move than just a love interest in the area you are moving to.

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That is very true. You shouldn't move to live with him, because if something goes wrong, you won't have anywhere to live. You should still keep it on the dating scale and have your own places. But that is the general blind rule of not moving especially out of the country just for a guy/girl.

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I do love him, there is chemistry, sex is great, maybe if he was more my type I would be "crazy" about him. Maybe i'm just shallow? Maybe after my ex who I was crazy about and thought I can never live without, I realized I could be ok single, and there are lots of decent guys out there.

 

And like everyone says, looks fade, I mean I know in the long run abs turn to beer bellys, spikes turn to boldness, and clear beautifu skinl turns to wrinkles, and you're left with that persons' personality. So I try to keep that in mind.

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Nixee, thing is, I don't like L.A. enough to move there, there are a million other places I rather be but there. Well, maybe not a million, but if not for him i'd never move there. Not for work, not for anything, except for love.

 

My mom left her whole family, and moved to America with my dad and us and his family. She thinks you can be happy wherever you live, as long as you're with the person you love and want to be with. I mean, somehow she did it, and made the move and I think she doesn't regret it.

 

So far we're going on 6 months of dating.. by the time I graduate school we'd have been dating over a year. I think since we lived together 3 months, I got to know him way more than you get to know someone after just a months of dating and seeing each other only a few times a week for a couple hours.

 

I was thinking either staying here getting a job here, doing the long distance till her pruposed, then I guess moving. Which I wouldnt wait longer than a year, maybe he'd prupose sooner if i'm out here. Or, moving out there in with him and seeing how it goes, and getting a job there (i wouldnt afford, not want to live alone, i hate living alone). But, I feel if I move out there and get a job there, it would still all be for the relationship. We'll visit each other till I graduate though, he's coming here next, and he'll meet my family.

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OHHH you had S-E-X. You keep saying he is not your type. Your not too keen on his looks. The person you think is the one is where you notice people ignoring their mates imperfections. Making good out of them. A person who smiles so much, you can just tell how happy they are, how they just see everything as great with this person, they are so wrapped up in the person, they don't notice or care for the flaws. I honestly think if you aren't too happy about his looks, then there is a lot more to it.

 

Congrats! You answered your own question! You don't like LA. Don't move. Stay in New York, and just do the long distance till you have good reason to move to be with him. A proposal. But hey you seem too eager on that.

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If I moved there i'd move in with him. If I move in with him, and things don't work out I can always move back to NY. Or move out. I wouldnt move there if I had to get my own place. Plus I liked living with him.

 

I wanna get married soon and have kids within the next 2 years... i think i'll soon be ready for it. I don't want to waste time. I want to see if someone is right, if they are go ahead and do so. I've already wasted 3 years on my last relationship. Plus lotsa my friends are already married, having kids, engaged, etc. My family all really wants it for me too.

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If I moved there i'd move in with him. If I move in with him, and things don't work out I can always move back to NY. Or move out. I wouldnt move there if I had to get my own place. Plus I liked living with him.

 

I wanna get married soon and have kids within the next 2 years... i think i'll soon be ready for it. I don't want to waste time. I want to see if someone is right, if they are go ahead and do so. I've already wasted 3 years on my last relationship. Plus lotsa my friends are already married, having kids, engaged, etc. My family all really wants it for me too.

 

As long as you don't follow the trend of what is going on with your friends. How about this, if you lived out your life enough single or being in relationships. Done your whole party phase going out thing, then yes maybe that is good. I say that because some couples get this breaking point where one may freak over not being single long enough, or having party time or going out etc. Dumb things like that.

 

But you near to finishing school, there isn't anything else in life you want before settling down?

 

Make sure you do things for the right reasons, not just because it is on your time frame of things to get it done in.

 

What did you like about living with him? You said you don't like to live alone or be alone too. Is there a reason for that? Or were you used to being with someone?

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If I moved there i'd move in with him. If I move in with him, and things don't work out I can always move back to NY. Or move out. I wouldnt move there if I had to get my own place. Plus I liked living with him.

 

I wanna get married soon and have kids within the next 2 years... i think i'll soon be ready for it. I don't want to waste time. I want to see if someone is right, if they are go ahead and do so. I've already wasted 3 years on my last relationship. Plus lotsa my friends are already married, having kids, engaged, etc. My family all really wants it for me too.

 

 

I am getting the feeling that your #1 priority is to have a man...and this man will do. Don't you have any life goals of your own that aren't about marriage and babies? You are really rushing this. I have seen people who run off to other cities to live with the guy they are dating...have no job, no back up plan, no life of their own...just run to be with the man. Then when it all craps out on them they are stuck. It sounds to me like your life is revolving around this man and it seems like it has more to do with the notion that you want to get married and you will do anything to achieve that goal including not having your own life.

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LoL.. yeah, well we didn't have sex the 1st week I was out there, but we did during the 3 months I lived there. 1st. week we hooked up and did other stuff, nothing crazy, I didn't want to give away too much lol. He's not my usual type, I do have an attraction to him though. I guess I just feel like everyone at home who knows me is used to seeing me with veryyy good looking guys, and I don't want pple thinking anything bad. I know that sounds terrible. That's why I'm trying to get past the whole looks thing. After being with him, I think he's a cutie.

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OHHH you had S-E-X. You keep saying he is not your type. Your not too keen on his looks. The person you think is the one is where you notice people ignoring their mates imperfections. Making good out of them. A person who smiles so much, you can just tell how happy they are, how they just see everything as great with this person, they are so wrapped up in the person, they don't notice or care for the flaws. I honestly think if you aren't too happy about his looks, then there is a lot more to it.

 

Congrats! You answered your own question! You don't like LA. Don't move. Stay in New York, and just do the long distance till you have good reason to move to be with him. A proposal. But hey you seem too eager on that.

 

hmmm i don't know on this one. I think people that ignore their SOs flaws are fooling themselves.

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Why do you feel so rushed? Is it solely because your friends are in the engaged, marrying, babies stage? Or is that something you truly want right now. People who rush things and copy other people, their lives don't turn out right usually. Just look everyone is different in their own ways. Not everyone in this life will meet the right person, those who don't just settle for he will be good enough to marry or have kids with because he is a good person, they are just rushing because they want to be like someone else, or they aren't patient enough to know that you can wait. You want the love of your life. The guy that makes you feel like no other. Waiting is a good thing.

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To me my #1 goal in life is having a sucessful marriage and kids. Being a good mother, wife. My 1 goal i'm accomplishing soon, which is graduating college. I've also went to beauty school, and got my diploma in that. I can find a job in what I want to do in NY or where ever else. And till I have kids, I'll get one. But it wouldnt be the most important thing to me. I'd also want to be a stay at home mom till my kids go to school or day care.

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I can't keep dating him and meet others, that's cheating.. I don't want to lose him. I think he's 1 of a kind.

 

I want kids and marriage soon, cuz i'll soon be ready for it. I've partied, dated LOTS of guys, did crazy things, got everything outta my system. Once I finish school, i'll be ready for those things.

 

I wouldnt get married or have kids just cuz friends are. Though, it makes me see that i'm not a little girl anymore. And at my age people are doing these things, so it's not TOO early, its probably just about right. Around 24.

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