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Should I leave this relationship, even though I adore him?


Ruede

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Long story. I've known an (initially online) friend for seven years... he's always lived on the west coast of Canada; I on the east. We met in August, and hit it off. He was here a 3-4 days. I really care about him... we had a great time... when we parted we were both teary-eyed. He stayed at a hotel and I didn't tell my parents about my meeting him. My brother, and some friends of mine know.

 

I kind of thought that... it was possible we wouldn't get along well enough for there to be a romantic connection strong enough for us to pursue. But there was. I haven't fleshed out entirely how I feel (how could I, only after three or four days?)... but I miss him so much and want to see him again... and he wants to come in January...

 

But I find myself needing to tell him that I can't do this. He would have to move to my side of the country for us to be together, which is an enormous step to take for someone. And when should he meet my parents? Should he meet them next time he comes down to visit? I would love for that to happen, but I feel like I want to date him more until that happens. But I don't think I can see him UNLESS my parents know about him.

 

For the record, my mom already knows that he's an online friend and that we chat on the phone. However, she doesn't know how serious I am. Also, if she knew about him and I said I wanted to visit him in Vancouver, she definitely WOULD NOT let me go. Also, I'm worried that... if, say, he comes here to visit and meets my parents, that my parents won't approve of how we met and how little time we've had together to figure things out and they won't let me go see him in Vancouver anyway, in order TO help figure things out.

 

My parents are very controlling and traditional, so I don't think I'm going to be able to continue a long-distance relationship with this man for another year (which is how long it will take before he ostensibly moves here). If he met my parents after he moved here, things would be a lot easier... but to make him wait a year to REALLY get to spend time with me (because we'd have to meet for brief periods of time in secret until then) I think would be totally unfair to him.

 

I am almost willing to do anything for him... but I want to be careful, since I only really did get to be with him for less than four days. What if we AREN'T meant for each other... and I go through a whole whirlwind of problems with my parents for what ends up being a failure? I know I have to trust my heart... and my heart is telling me I can't let go of him. It breaks me that I may never see him again if I tell him I can't be with him. We would be great together. But ending up in a situation where my parents are unapproving could ruin everything... and he's a mature, wonderful man I simply don't want to put through hell just to be with me.

 

He's the first person I would let go just because I care about him so much... even though I've suffered from a crush for years, and now realize that we jive amazingly well. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I think I might lose the love of my life. Starting to tear up just thinking about this... because I can't stand the thought of never seeing him again.

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LDRs have a heavy fantasy contingent to them, because you've only really spent 4 days with him. It's easy to maintain all kinds of illusion in a LDR that can't be maintained in day to day life.

 

So the first thing that has to happen to make the relationship genuine is to live near enough to see each other.

 

You may want to let him make that choice, but be very open that you can't promise him anything since see him day to day is very different than a 'honeymoon' type situation where you see each other on vacations.

 

So attach a caveat emptor to the situation, and if he decides he wants to risk coming out with no guarantee it will last, then you can let him make that decision. You've been honest and open with him and let him assume the risk if he wants it bad enough to take the chance.

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Let me tell you im on the oppostie side of this. I have met a girl and we are trying to start something long distance cross country, and she ended it becuas eof many of the same issues 9ie that its too hard). It sucks and i call tell she is very torn since we get along amazingly. It will be very hard and you will constantly miss the person and it does curtail your ability to et to know each other well. that beign said for me and her it was so special we didnt think about it. It just got to be too much for her especially since we had no plan.

 

I guess what im saying is that it will be really hard. I am really upset this didnt work out in that she is so special. ofr her i think she coudlnt bear getting any closer with no end to the distance in sight. That beign said we will keep in touch and I hope for the future i might make it over there. Maybe you guys do the same....

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