tarzanne Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 When my husband and I first met each other we were just friends for a year and then he admitted to me that he loved me and that he wanted to see if we could have a relationship. And three years after we met we got married. I had been married before and had 3 children. At the time we met they were ages 2, 4 and 5. He absoultely loved them. He would play with them and take them to his house even when I wasn't able to go with them. He did everything for them and loved them unconditionally. They have called him dad since even before we were married and he has always claimed them as his own and never corrected anyone when they would point out that "his" kids looked just like him. Before we got married he knew that I had my tubes tied after my youngest. He said he didn't care that he loved them just like they were his own. Well 1 year after our wedding I got my tubes reversed to see if we could have our own. We tried for over a year and then was told that we would have a slim chance because the surgery wasn't a total success. 3 years after my reversal surgery I had to have a hysterectomy. Starting then he started to pull away. Two weeks before Christmas last year he told me that he didn't love me or the kids anymore. He said that he was tired of the kids and how they don't respect him. He started yelling at all of us all the time. We have been going to counseling for the last few months and he told the counselor that he never had the chance to live on his own and wants to know what it would be like. (He was 20 when we started dating and I was 25) He wants to move out and be dependent and so forth. He said he still cares for me, but isn't in love with me. He hasn't moved out yet, and to be honest I don't know if he will because it is to "convenient" for him to stay. I do love him, but I am tired of trying to please him. I am tired of his attitude towards all of us. My son is the one that is hurting the most because my husband was the only stable male in his life. The therapist tells him that he is depressed and that she could prescribe some anti-depressents to see if they help. He says that he isn't going to take pills just so he can numb himself to stay married. He has changed so much and even his family has noticed. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Two weeks before Christmas last year he told me that he didn't love me or the kids anymore. My gosh! I about fell off my chair! I am so sorry for what you and your kids and what you must be feeling!!! I think this is so incredibly drastic,that maybe it has nothing to do w/you hysterectomy? It almost sounds as if he has had a personality change if his family is noticing too. I would try and talk to him about taking those pills. Meanwhile, don't let him stay if it is going to bring you down more. You need to find thevoice you had before you met him. Stick with that...not arguing,but strong and with you and your kids well-being put first! Good luck and keep us posted on how you are. Hugs! Link to comment
redhearts Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 If you can't help someone, let them go. If you tried and tried so hard, it just doesn't work. He can only help himself at this point. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Well, not to sound harsh, but perhaps you need to toss him out on his ear for a little bit so that he can see what he is missing. The minute my kids were being hurt by his actions & lack of willingness to change them, he would have to go. I do not take these things lightly, but the fact that he is too lazy to get up and get the life he is dreaming of is not an excuse. You and the kids deserve better than that. If he is unhappy he needs to fix it, if he is unwilling to do that he needs to stop behaving like a spoiled child and get out. If this is truly how he feels its time to put up or shut up. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I don think this has to do with the hysterectomy. That was just timing. For him to also say he doesn't love the kids anymore is alarming and selfish. People fall out of love with spouses but their kids? HE sounds really immature. If he never lived on his own before perhaps you should give him that chance, and a boot in his ass, on his way out. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Well, not to sound harsh, but perhaps you need to toss him out on his ear for a little bit so that he can see what he is missing. The minute my kids were being hurt by his actions & lack of willingness to change them, he would have to go. I do not take these things lightly, but the fact that he is too lazy to get up and get the life he is dreaming of is not an excuse. You and the kids deserve better than that. If he is unhappy he needs to fix it, if he is unwilling to do that he needs to stop behaving like a spoiled child and get out. If this is truly how he feels its time to put up or shut up. Couldn't have said it better myself... Link to comment
angellight Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 It sounds to me like he is mourning the loss of a dream....He wanted a child of his own and he will never had that with you...He does sound depressed..If Im counting right he is around 28 year old now. He was extremely young to take on a wife and 3 small children. Then again so were you.. It is sad that instead of leaning on you and opening up to you he is pulling away and hurting you and the kids. I hope the counseling helps and the two of you work things out. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 midlife crisis?! :S I think he is a bit young for that...LOL! Well, not to sound harsh, but perhaps you need to toss him out on his ear for a little bit so that he can see what he is missing. The minute my kids were being hurt by his actions & lack of willingness to change them, he would have to go. I do not take these things lightly, but the fact that he is too lazy to get up and get the life he is dreaming of is not an excuse. You and the kids deserve better than that. If he is unhappy he needs to fix it, if he is unwilling to do that he needs to stop behaving like a spoiled child and get out. If this is truly how he feels its time to put up or shut up. ^^^very good advice...I am worried that this maybe having more of animpact on you / kids than you realize! Link to comment
angellight Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I don think this has to do with the hysterectomy. That was just timing. For him to also say he doesn't love the kids anymore is alarming and selfish. People fall out of love with spouses but their kids? HE sounds really immature. If he never lived on his own before perhaps you should give him that chance, and a boot in his ass, on his way out. Jaded Dont you think the realization that he will not be having a biological child has something to do with his behavior? Link to comment
healthseeker Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Jaded Dont you think the realization that he will not be having a biological child has something to do with his behavior? You know,I thought of that too...but to say he doesn't love them anymore is very extreme...so I think there's more to it. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Jaded Dont you think the realization that he will not be having a biological child has something to do with his behavior? Her tubes were tied when they met. They could probably still do invitro. But he is what 25 years old or something? Is there a possibility that there is someone else in the picture? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Jaded Dont you think the realization that he will not be having a biological child has something to do with his behavior? To be honest, no, I don't. I don't think that has a thing to do with it. I don't know of many mature and level headed men who would say they no longer love those kids just because they can't have one of his own. Sounds like he is going thru a mid life crisis and wants to get out of the middle of responsiblity. If it were that he might become very deprssed but to say he no longer loves her or the kids sounds more consistent with a mid life crisis. Not one thing he said when he told her he wanted out has a thing to do with not having a child. On the contrary, thank God she didn't have a child with him because my bets are on the table that he would have STILL walked. This is a man who is just tired of married life and wants to sow some wild oats. I believe he would do the same if they did conceive that other child. He doesn't sound altruistic enough to be that broken up over not having a child of his own. He is just looking to roam. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Her tubes were tied when they met. They could probably still do invitro. But he is what 25 years old or something? Is there a possibility that there is someone else in the picture? Wow Karma! You're dead-on today!!!! Link to comment
angellight Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Her tubes were tied when they met. They could probably still do invitro. But he is what 25 years old or something? Is there a possibility that there is someone else in the picture? Oh My!! I didnt even think of that! To be honest, no, I don't. I don't think that has a thing to do with it. I don't know of many mature and level headed men who would say they no longer love those kids just because they can't have one of his own. Sounds like he is going thru a mid life crisis and wants to get out of the middle of responsiblity. If it were that he might become very deprssed but to say he no longer loves her or the kids sounds more consistent with a mid life crisis. Not one thing he said when he told her he wanted out has a thing to do with not having a child. On the contrary, thank God she didn't have a child with him because my bets are on the table that he would have STILL walked. This is a man who is just tired of married life and wants to sow some wild oats. I believe he would do the same if they did conceive that other child. He doesn't sound altruistic enough to be that broken up over not having a child of his own. He is just looking to roam. I dont think he is old enough for that,,,though I could be wrong, I dont know if there is an actual age limit for a Mid life.. Saying he doesnt love the kids is definitely harsh and uncalled for...Thats why I think its depression...Depressed people dont usually feel empathy and think of others at the time they are in the throws (spelling) of depression Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 It also sounds like he jumped into family life quite young, in his very early 20s. This happens to many who feel they rushed into marriage, and they start wondering about how single life would be. I think many married (young) fathers have this kind of feeling, but because it is their own kids, they can't walk away as easily as your husband can since he won't owe child support for the kids unless he adopted them. I think you should quit tolerating him hanging around with this kind of attitude. Your kids must sense the change and feel very rejected. You should tell him that for him to stay, he has to start taking the medication and work on the marriage in counseling. If he won't agree to that, then boot him out. He might discover that freedom isn't as great as he envisioned it to be, but he also might just want to live the single life for a while since he is still in his 20s... Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I think it's possible that he thought since tubes can be reversed that there was a possibility that he would have a bio-child with the OP, but since she's had the hysterectomy he's been realising the weight of that operation. Maybe it's a quarter life crisis (there's a crisis for every age these days ), maybe he's freaking because he's heard his own clock ticking, or maybe there is something (or one) else happening that you don't know about. Either way, you live with 3 children and it's selfish of him to be living with you while making you so miserable. Having him out of the house will probably be good for you, and may make him buck himself up. Link to comment
DN Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Is it true that the children treat him with disrespect? And, if it is, what has been done to correct that by either him or you? Have you talked to him to see how disappointed he was that he could not have his biological children with you? Did you consider alternatives such as adoption or surrogacy? Do you think he feels loved by you and the children? Is it possible he feels overwhelmed, or that he isn't really important in your life or the children's life other than as a means of support? Does he feel supported and nurtured? Who takes priority in your life? Your children all of the time or your husband? Or does it depend on who needs what and at different times? Are his needs, choices and desires considered as of equal importance as everyone else's? Do you or did you spend much alone time together without the children when you can concentrate on each other and show how much you loved him and he loved you as individuals? Was your sex life mutually satisfying? Did either of you feel taken for granted? Link to comment
redhearts Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I think there is more to it, I don't want to come to the conclusion of everyone cheats. But why didn't he freak out about this sooner? Maybe he was just waiting till now to have an excuse for something else? Or it is that typical he didn't get to have his "fun years" in life. Being in his early 20s partying, going out, etc. So he misses that and just wants to run from being tied down. If all his friends are his age or a little younger and doing the single life partying thing they could be influencing him. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I just feel so bad for you with three kids and a husband acting this way. There is no reason for you not to call him on his B.S. The fact that you said he probably wouldn't leave on his own b/c it is to convenient for him to stay is completely revolting to me. How dare he? "I don't love you or the kids anymore, but im just gonna hang out here b/c im to lazy to move or change my ways"? I think this is a prime example of the guy being a creep and the woman having to be "the bad guy". We see post after post of people saying "but women file most of the divorces" Well guess what! With posts like this its no wonder! Like you are just supposed to take it? Or let your kids feel the brunt of this crap?? I don't think so. I hope he snaps out of this soon. In the mean time come here & talk to us. I think collectively we have either dated or married just about every creep out there!! Good luck to you sister. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Oh My!! I didnt even think of that! I dont think he is old enough for that,,,though I could be wrong, I dont know if there is an actual age limit for a Mid life.. Saying he doesnt love the kids is definitely harsh and uncalled for...Thats why I think its depression...Depressed people dont usually feel empathy and think of others at the time they are in the throws (spelling) of depression IF he is in his 20s then i would say that he is just looking for freedom. My post still stands just the same, only difference is maybe not a midlife crisis but a yearn for freedom from marrying too young. Both situations yield similar behaviors. Bottomline i do not believe it is because she could not conceive his child that he has made these latest declarations. I just don't think that is the case. JMO Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 It also sounds like the relationship is at the 7 year itch period, when lots of relationships fall apart. There is familiarity, but also boredom and the stress of day to day family life, and many people think the problem is they need a new partner or life to relieve the boredom/stress. So it may have nothing to do with her not being able to have children, especially if he is mentioning he doesn't want her children he formerly loved. If he wanted the marriage and children, they could get a surrogate mother and he could be a biological parent if he wanted it, but he doesn't want to work on it at all from the sound of it. Link to comment
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