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Confused about my decisions..


problematic1

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I have a boyfriend, I've been with him on and off for 4 years. Right now, we're on.

I love him, I really do. I want nothing but the best for him and I feel as if we are best friends.

However, I am not fully happy.

 

I am young (19). I have never went out and enjoyed myself... of course I have friends that I have good times with, but I've never really been out with other people to clubs or parties. And I believe that I desire this lifestyle.

Yes, I want to be settled down one day and have a family with my boyfriend, but at this point I feel like we've been married for 30 years and I feel like a mammaw.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have a good time hanging out with my boyfriend. But most of the time we just sit at the house and watch TV or go out to eat. I want more. I want to go out and dance and just have a good time while I'm young. He doesn't want that.

 

Also, he never gives me any attention.. well at least the kind I want. He never gives me compliments, never tells me that I look pretty or that I am beautiful. I want and need all of those things. He never just takes my hand just to be close to me. He never sweeps me off my feet and kisses me. There is no passion in our relationship anymore. Its just the same old same old. I want that passion. I want to have butterflies when we kiss, like I used to. But I don't.

 

There are plenty of guys that give me attention. In particular, there is a guy I work with. He ALWAYS tells me I am beautiful and he really likes me. He told me that I have a great personality and that he would love to get to know me even better. Now, I know that I do not want to be with this guy, I want to be with my boyfriend... but I honestly feel like... I don't know how to describe it. I feel like I love my boyfriend but, I like this other guy. Or at least I like the attention he gives me. And I feel absolutely horrible for it.

 

How do I express to my boyfriend that I need more out of the relationship?

 

And how do I tell the guy I work with about my feelings?(of not wanting to be with him, just the way I like the way he treats me)

 

I do not want to hurt anyone, I'm just lost at this point.

 

If you've read this in its entirety, thank you. And thank you in advance for your advice.

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Feeling a need to be complimented isn't necessarily a bad thing. The thing is though, your bf probably has no idea you feel this way. I imagine he thinks that since you're both still "happy" and in a relationship that you already know all those things, and he'd be restating the obvious. Be wary of guys that are nothing but lip service. Some dudes are great at letting the BS flow to the point where they seem charming, but it's an act -- a means to an end. If you told this guy at work that complimenting you would get him no where, he'd stop. He has a purpose in mind, and I doubt I have to tell you what that is.

 

Nothing is stopping you from hanging out with your friends or dancing. You can do all those things when in a relationship. Having a bf doesn't mean you need to stay at home and knit; it simply means that if you do choose to go dancing, it's probably not a good idea to grind your ass on some random guy.

 

The "butterflies" at one point or another go away. They come back at times, but the butterflies many people are talking about exist up until the honeymoon phase ends. All long term relationships are based on something more than those types of feelings, and if you chase those all the time you will never be satisfied. There will be moments where things might feel stale, but when you love someone you both work on a way to change that. That's what you are doing right now, and I applaud you for that. It shows that you obviously care about him; many other people would have already cheated.

 

Tell your boyfriend that you miss how things were in the beginning: the way he talked about you, doted on you from time to time, made you feel special, etc. This lets you express you're need for this kind of affection, and at the same time compliments him. If he sees how much his words and little romantic actions mean to you since you expressed them this way, he will want to do it again (and he probably won't forget for a while). He'll know that he's good at making you feel good, and that will help both of you.

 

Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that you feel this way. Be careful not to attack him, just express that it's something you miss. I think that'll work.

 

Tell the guy at work that while you appreciate the kind words, you are involved with someone and those kind of comments probably aren't appropriate right now. If he's decent, he'll back off.

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Have you said anything to your boyfriend yet about the things that you want and did he say no? If you go out dancing with friends without him, would that be an issue? Relationships are about compromise so he should be willing to go out with you and do something more fun now and then, and he definitely can't tell you what you can do with your friends when he's not around. That's controlling.

 

As for the compliments, have you tried complimenting him first? Sometimes I "remind" my bf to compliment me or say tender things by setting the example myself. Usually it snaps him awake and he is both flattered by the attention as well as eager to reciprocate. Tell him he looks sexy as he is getting dressed in the morning, (preferably while you are also half-dressed so he can say the same back to you), or offer a shoulder massage after a long day. It seems unfair that if you are needing attention that you should be the one to offer it, but sometime you have to give to get, and we forget that guys like to be treated special too.

 

Oh, and please don't tell the guy at work that you enjoy his compliments - any encouragement would be bad news. Make sure he knows you are in a relationship and just be polite. Otherwise you will feel more guilty and it will distract you from the real work of improving your existing relationship.

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Thanks guys...

 

See, my boyfriend isn't the type to go out a lot. He's a country boy who would rather be hunting or working on the farm. I guess he doesn't really have time to go out at night, and even if he did, he wouldn't like it. Also, I DO think it would be a problem if I went out without him.. He doesn't like the club scene and he certainly would not like me being there. Yes, I will agree to calling him "controlling". But thats just the way he is.

 

I will try to talk to him and tell him how I feel, I just don't know how he will take it. I know he SHOULD take my advice and want to work on our relationship, but that would be a perfect world.

 

I'm at the point where I don't want to leave him, but I know that if something doesn't change, I won't ever be happy with him.

And this is a sad, low point.

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Aw hun, I know how it is to love a controlling person (boy do I know lol), and I hope you have better luck than I have had. But you have to talk to him, and things have to change even if just a little, because you deserve to be heard and to be happy.

 

Try to be gentle when you speak to him, not demanding, and try to couch it in terms that seem beneficial to him - how romantic it would be to spend a night out together, and how even more exciting your night together could be after you got home *wink-wink.*

 

Or maybe say you want to give him a "break" or a "night off" by going out with the girls and giving him some space once in a while. It's not easy, but this can be, at the very least, an effective lesson in persuasion for you - which is a skill we can all learn.

 

You have to try, and then, if it doesn't work, at least you will know you have done what you can. If he is flexible at all I think it will help, and if not, well then you know what you are dealing with, and if he is inflexible about this, I am sure he is about other things too, and that's no way to live.

 

Just imagine if things were reversed. Would he stand for you telling him what he can and cannot do, or for you not giving him the things he needs? You don't have to get all angry and up in arms about it, but you can still stand up for yourself in a gentle, loving, yet firm manner.

 

hugs

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Thanks so much.

I'm at the point of tears now. We just went to lunch, and there was nothing there. I love him, but there is just not anything there for me anymore... we had no conversation, no hugs no kisses... no physical contact at all.

 

I want to tell him so bad that im not happy, but im scared of the way he will take it.

 

I'm truly not happy anymore.. and this breaks my heart.

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Thanks so much.

I'm at the point of tears now. We just went to lunch, and there was nothing there. I love him, but there is just not anything there for me anymore... we had no conversation, no hugs no kisses... no physical contact at all.

 

I want to tell him so bad that im not happy, but im scared of the way he will take it.

 

I'm truly not happy anymore.. and this breaks my heart.

 

Well if you're not happy, that's something to think about for sure. I'm so sorry it's so hard for you to talk to him. I hope if you can't get through to him, you find the strength to decide what you are going to do with the relationship. You are so young, there is no reason for you to be stuck in something like that forever.

 

On the other hand, don't allow one lunch to be the basis for all your thinking. Take a step back and if you can, analyze how long this has been going on; it might help you decide if this is just a phase or if he might become more loving.

 

Either way, if you can try to breach the topic at all, through words or just by being affectionate with him and seeing how he reacts and taking it from there, I hope you do so you know you made an effort. I think it will help you make a decision about the relationship.

 

Let us know how it works out!

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Thank you, I cant tell you how much your words mean to me. Im such a messed up person...

 

Well I am so glad and you are very welcome if I was any help, but pleeeeeeeeez don't say you are a messed up person! You are a very normal person who is doing the best she can in an unfortunate situation. If anyone is messed up, it might be your bf for being so distant, but not you.

 

Even if you don't start going out dancing the night away anytime soon, you definitely need to spend more time with friends who care and who will make you feel good about yourself. It will make all of this much easier, believe me.

 

Some girl-time I think is in order!

 

Be strong and keep a smile on, hun!

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This is the kind of tough decision that people have to go through at your age. I'm not being condescending or anything but there are a lot of changes that young people go through. Being in a "committed" relationship is difficult because you're still trying to find out who you are and what you want out of life.

 

I wouldn't feel bad for how you're feeling. You seem to be thinking this through rather logically and if you and your boyfriend aren't on the same life-path and neither are willing to share a road (which you're not obligated to do) then it's time to part ways. It is and will be painful for sure but there's really no way otherwise.

 

You need to have a convo with your boyfriend and see how willing he is to compromise, etc. However, there are a few things I feel I should point out.

 

- Don't mistake first-relationship honeymoon "butterflies" for eternal love. Sure, there should always be some sort of heartfelt warmth when it comes to your partner, but the butterflies generally are a sign of a newer, exciting unknown. They don't always last.

- Always remember that no one can "make" you happy. A good relationship can add a layer of happiness to your life, but don't expect it to MAKE you happy. If it does, you are WAY too dependent upon it. You need to be happy with yourself, always.

- Be wary of just any guy who throws compliments at you. They may be sincere but they also might just be trying to get in your pants.

 

Good luck...

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i completely know how you feel problematic1. I too was in the same predicament. i was with my ex for 3 years on and off. we lived together most of it. I loved her to death and she was my best friend but it also lost all of its spark like you said. i didnt have the motivation for sex or anything after a while. i think we both just got comfortable but at the same time i started realizing this is not what i want anymore.

 

If you feel the need that you still have some wild oats to sow, you definitly need to get out there and do it cause it will eat at you. i gurantee! you should just tell him exactly what you told us and give it a month to see if your feelings and things have changed, if it hasent then just make a clean break. you are still way young. the life and scene of being 21 and over is very different and an expierance that everyone single needs to enjoy!

 

follow your gut!

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