unsureone Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I'm in a real crisis here... My fiance (who just recently asked me to marry him last year) had admitted to me early on in our relationship that he was once in a long term relationship with a man and a woman at the same time. He was with the woman for 7 and the man for 4 of those 7. He is EXTREMELY secretive about it. Anytime I talk about it he makes sure that I am not speaking too loud for anyone else to hear. It only makes me wonder how he held up that facade for four years... It wasn't of a huge concern to me and I thought it was actually quite sexy, until now. Considering how little intimate time we spend together anymore, and when we do its me bent over because it takes that to get him to finish... This is quite worrisome to me. Of course being curious and mindful to always protect myself first and foremost, I (wrongfully and yes, I am guilty about it) searched through his browser history and found an appalling amount of links to tranny porn sites. I was expecting to find something else but no, all transsexual porno. Its an obsessive amount as well; each time he has a moment away from me he will masturbate to at least 6 different videos. He even has them book marked, hundreds of direct links to streaming videos that I'm assuming are his favorites. This porn addiction is really breaking my heart. I know that he is bi.. But I am worried that he is actually 100% gay and that I'm getting myself into a heart wrenching situation. I'm already desperately in love with this man and it is so hard for me to face or even attempt to admit it to myself. I am so heartbroken right now because I feel like I could never compare to the gorgeous men that he is spending his time away from me with.. I know its only videos, but I still can't help but feel betrayed. Why is he not spending any time with me anymore? Hence why I am here... I searched on google for women married to gay men and I found this site. I am completely distraught over this because its not exactly like I can talk to my friends or family about this situation. Please help!!! Link to comment
healthseeker Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 You are not yet married to this man and sound very unhappy. I think you need to think about how much worse it would probably get then! Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 OP, I know how you feel. My best friend, first ex, and the person I feel closest to, is gay. It is not an easy life and I have not really been able to let go of him. In a way, we do have a close, emotional relationship minus the sex. We are affectionate in our own ways, but he also has a bf (they have a VERY tumultous relationship). My best friend/ex is also very attached to me and confides EVERYTHING to me, including intimate details about his relationship with his bf, which irks his bf to no end. I know you love him, but be careful. It is a long, treacherous road filled with a lot of pain, broken hearts, and will lead down to you wondering why you aren't good enough for him (yet that isn't the case, you ARE good enough, it's just that his sexual preferences lie elsewhere). Good luck. Link to comment
Jetta Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I feel hard for a bisexual (aka gay) man. Ruined my life. My advice is to let him go, you'll only be hurt worse after you bring kids into the relationship. He will eventually leave you for a man, or cheat on you with men during the marriage and infect you with something. It's hard now but it will be harder later. Link to comment
Aschleigh Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 ok, you have a lot of unanswered questions to even be comtemplating marriage. He may be bisexual, he may be gay. These would be things to know for sure before marry someone. Start asking some questions. The fact that you are this far along into a relationship with a man who may be gay, leads me to believe you are not great about asking even the most basic of questions. There is also a book called " Lies at the Altar, or something close to that. By Dr. Robin. Google that or go to link removed. Dr.Robin may have a link there. There are many questions to be asked before you make a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT to another human being with the potential for having children be involved, One is " are you gay? Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 welcome to enotalone. i would call off the wedding, asap. let him find a man, and you need to find a man who wants to be with you, as a woman. don't go down this road, it will just make everyone unhappy. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Ashleigh, sometimes when a woman is in love with someone, esp a first love, they will basically overlook everything. With my best friend/first ex, I fell HARD for him. We met in college and everybody thought we were a good match. He was not really affectionate with me (like kissing), but he'd snuggle with me, hold my hands, stuff like that, and I was a naieve girl back then. None of my friends had any idea he was gay, except for my high school friend from back home. I took my first ex out to CA to see my family, hang with friends, etc., and he met my close friend out there, who later on, told me that she thought he was gay. I was like "there's no way". HA! Turns out she was right, and he kept it a secret from me for 2 years! Link to comment
unsureone Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 In every other sense of our relationship I am happy. Its so bizarre but we get along so well.. I have never gotten along with anyone this well, ever... In fact we're so much alike its frightening. It hurts... He is my best friend. But if he is really just into guys then he needs to tell me.. I just don't know how to confront him about it anymore. I have before, but everytime I have raised this concern he blows up at me and gets extremely defensive and combative. Mind you, I'm not coming at him angry about the situation at all, in fact I am more like a worried best friend when I try to talk to him about it. Very calm and reassuring... No matter how I approach it, he will blow up to the point of breaking furniture around our house. Its scary to even confront the issue because I guess I don't understand the correct approach to keep him calm. Has anyone ever dealt with this before? Another thing, his parents would disown him if they ever found out he was with a man. He is also in terrible debt and I am his only way of getting a place to live! We are about to get an apartment together on my perfect credit because his is ruined. I'm already paying one of his bills for his monthly storage unit which has now turned into a $2,000 debt for me. Now I'm getting angry at myself just thinking about this... I feel like such a fool. Link to comment
unsureone Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 I posted a reply to someone earlier about asking him. I have indeed approached him about it. He says that he prefers women and gets very angry when I even question him about it. Link to comment
unsureone Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 He is my first true love. I have been in love before yes.. But I've never felt so deeply for someone as I do for him. If he is indeed gay it is going to destroy me completely. Link to comment
redhearts Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 He doesn't even know who he is, your unhappy. Don't get into a marriage when issues need to be resolved first. What defines a guy from being bi and gay? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Some people just won't openly acknowledge they are gay for a lot of reasons... like fears their family and friends will desert them, shame at being different, fear of censure or homophobia... So they marry to live a 'traditional' life, while frequently living a double life and cheating on the side with another same sex partner. Your fiance has already admitted he did this for a long time in another relationship, and that could well be what happens to you, he finds another man to be with on the side while your marriage is a sham. Sometimes those marriages last for decades, but other times the man falls in love with another man and decides to come out, and divorces his wife. I don't think anyone would advise you to marry a gay man knowing what you know and the situation you've described. You may be out $2000 if you leave him now, but you won't have a lifetime of sexual neglect and a husband cheating on you with other men. If you still have doubts, consider getting some personal counseling and talk to the counselor about this situation and what it might mean to marry a gay man who has affairs with men while also being with women... this is more than him being bi-sexual, since he has openly admitted cheating on another female partner with a man, so he is very capable of cheating. you need someone who loves you wholeheartedly, fully, and sexually too. He might not be the best candidate for that, but consider counseling to explore this further. Link to comment
unsureone Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 There is also a book called " Lies at the Altar, or something close to that. By Dr. Robin. Google that or go to link removed. Dr.Robin may have a lin I wouldn't care to read what any of those scam artists would have to say. Oprah is the devil!!! Link to comment
healthseeker Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I wouldn't care to read what any of those scam artists would have to say. Oprah is the devil!!! Wow! It is a reputable woman who wrote this book...I've heard of it too and reccomended it to a friend. Link to comment
unsureone Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 Wow! It is a reputable woman who wrote this book...I've heard of it too and reccomended it to a friend. Sorry not reputable in my book.. Anyone thats a "motivational speaker" should change their job description to professional brainwasher. Just doesn't sit well with me. What can I say? I travel to the beat of my own drum. I do appreciate your imput on the situation though. Link to comment
avman Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 And where are you from unsureone? Link to comment
unsureone Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 I don't understand how that has any bearing on the situation. Link to comment
luvs2kayak Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I am sorry to say this, and I hate to sound harsh, but this person is using you! He wants to have a "marriage" as a way to cover up his gayness, and he will use your a shield to continue an active gay lifestyle. Not only that, he is using you for money. This is a recipe for disaster. Please, please, let this man go...... if he wants to live a charade, let him find someone else to be his co-star. You are too good and too strong to compromise all that you are for him. And, believe me, he will bring children into the picture just as a way to further this illusion. Probably, all for the sake of his parents. You are being used. Break up with him and find someone who can be a true partner. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 You're not sure if he's gay or bi. You don't spend much intimate time together anymore. His personal life (i.e., finances) are a mess. And when you try to talk to him about your [understandable] fears, he gets so angry he wrecks furniture? I would leave someone based on just ONE of those issues, never mind all of them. The anger is especially alarming. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Link to comment
avman Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I don't understand how that has any bearing on the situation. Oh, it has everything to do with the situation. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 He doesn't even know who he is, your unhappy. Don't get into a marriage when issues need to be resolved first. What defines a guy from being bi and gay? bi (which i still think is gay) = both sexes gay = just men Link to comment
healthseeker Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Oh, it has everything to do with the situation. Yeah, I can see where it would too. Link to comment
KnitKitten Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 I have read all your posts....Perhaps you should read them over once again. I have a very deep feeling that you have already answered your own questions. Ask youself, in addition to not getting the love and passion that you are looking for, how long do you think you will be able to accept that, along with paying all his bills. I can't help wondering, since you just now revealed it to us, is there any chance he's giving the heterosexual lifestyle a try, because it can be a meal ticket...Even a best friend could do that, if the alternative might be on the street.? Please give it some thought. My advice would be not to make any moves until you have investigated, figured out what it is that YOU must have for happiness, and, after talking honestly with him, answer all those questions that are eating at you now. No one else can make such a decision, it's your life and your future. Sincerely, Knit Kitten Link to comment
unsureone Posted October 10, 2008 Author Share Posted October 10, 2008 Yeah, I can see where it would too. Care to explain why? Link to comment
Aschleigh Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 I have friends who grew up with a in the closet gay father and their mom. It does a lot of damage. The adults have a hard time trusting and dating. They can't trust the foundation of their parents relationship. It's unconscionable to put children through this. It's a form of self harm to put one self through this. Link to comment
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