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Where does Cheaters moral compass go?


Scaredy_Squirrel

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I don't want to highjack JimmerJammer's thread about Why Cheaters Cheat so out of respect, I'm starting this tangental one.

 

This question, ideally, is only presented to people who've cheated on their partners and THERE WAS NOTHING MISSING IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. I realize that that really limits the responses I may get but I already understand and "get" that when a cheater is in a percieved or actually abusive/unloving relationship, they feel that this gives them the Green Light to cheat. Kinda the same theory that people use when they steal office supplies or sundries from a Big Brother Corporation: "They're HUGE and can afford the loss of toilet paper, Post It notes, pens, etc."

 

But, there are those instances when a person cheats on someone that they love with all their heart and soul and will cry out into the night, "I STILL love you!!!" My first husband was like this. We had the same loving relationship that my current partner and I did. But, he was a CEO of a massive company that was bought out and he wasn't being kept. I gave him ALL of the love, support and kindness that the situation demanded, but he was so terrified and had such insecurities over this, that he began an affair with.....(insert stereotype HERE)....the secretary who was also losing her job. I found out about their affair when I came home and found a strange bottle of shampoo in our bathroom; she had intentionally left it behind for me to find out about them. But, it backfired and he left her and came back to me, to rebuild our marriage and realized his affair was do to his helplessness over his job situation. Our marriage only ended when he found out she had gone off her Pills and become pregnant. We stayed together for 3 years after the baby was born but the OW became so needy and demanding over his time that both my husband and I agreed that leaving was the best answer. He never married her but supported the kid to adulthood. He never married again, either, but lives alone, in another state, as another CEO.

 

Two questions are lying like stones in my heart and JimmerJammers asked one of them. My partner and I have been working very, very hard to do some kind of healing since discovering her affair. We both realize that she must leave America but over the course of these past two weeks, she has tried to put into words as much as she can, explaining (NOT rationalizing) the affair.

 

But, the one question that she appears incapable of answering is "WHERE did your head go (moral compass) when you had him in OUR home, in OUR bed, at OUR dinner table???????" She truly has appeared to dig deep into this question of mine and she keeps coming up with the same small answer," I didn't think about it. I kept a separate wall up between the two of you."

 

Because I've never cheated and never entertained the thought, I don't understand this as an answer. Maybe all the cheaters who respond to this question will already be nodding their heads and THEY understand the answer. I just don't and this is the question that burns my heart each day.

 

How can you bring your lover into your own home or go into their home if they are actively with someone? How do you look at the bed as "just a bed" and not realize the issues that go along with the violation of trust? How can you shower with your lover, using the same shampoo and towels that your supposedly equally beloved mate uses?

 

So, please, if you have grappled with this question yourself and come up some answers that those of us who are betrayed can understand, you will have eased my soul and others today with your insight.

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I have never cheated on anyone, but I have been cheated on.

 

Cheating is all about being selfish, there for, they are living in the moment, and the last think they're thinking about is where they are, or how it's affecting another person, such as in their own home, in their own bed, and so on...

 

Just my opinion...

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I have never chated on anyone, but I have been cheated on.

 

Cheating is all about being selfish, there for, they are living in the moment, and the last think they're thinking about is where they are, or how it's affecting another person, such as in their own home, in their own bed, and so on...

 

Just my opinion...

 

HeartGoesOn: I guess because neither you or I have cheated, this is the easiest way that we can explain their actions.

 

I'm guessing from the lack of response to this thread from people who've cheated that they either weren't in love with their partner when they cheated, thereby justifying their actions or that this question has already been answered elsewhere and no one wants to repeat their response.

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I have been on both ends of that scale, and I can tell you, it is because you are only thinking of yourself and what you think is going to make you happy, but it never does. I shattered to learn what my husband did. I had given him EVRYTHING, more than he ever has the ability to appreciate even now. Yes, I was damned mad and maybe part was revenge, but most of it was I was not happy with ME and I thought another man could make me happy. Wrong. I had to be happy within me. Really it is about unhappiness and selfishness.

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I have been on both ends of that scale, and I can tell you, it is because you are only thinking of yourself and what you think is going to make you happy, but it never does. I shattered to learn what my husband did. I had given him EVRYTHING, more than he ever has the ability to appreciate even now. Yes, I was damned mad and maybe part was revenge, but most of it was I was not happy with ME and I thought another man could make me happy. Wrong. I had to be happy within me. Really it is about unhappiness and selfishness.

 

Thanks, Victoria66, for your explanation. My partner has been working over-time in trying to supply me with answers regarding her affair. I know that most of you would say that "she's telling you what you want to hear and her tears are crocidile tears", but there is really no reason for her to lie, any longer.

 

It's a sad fact that she has to go back to the U.K. Everything that she has been telling me and answering me has too much of the ring of truth. She has told me, "Ask me anything, any time, and I'll answer your questions." Some of them, she's had to take some time in answering because she hadn't given them any consideration during the affair. But this one in particular, she just sits, in confused silence, and says, "I don't know why it didn't bother me. I don't know."

 

Not having done an affair myself, I'm thinking that the person who brings their lover into their own home (unless it's for revenge, pure and simple) is doing so because it's both convienent but also is their security blanket. It's where THEY feel safe, so they transfer those feelings into the affair. I'm sure that if you're so randy for each other that you're tearing each others clothes off before you hit the bed, thinking of it as a MARRIAGE bed is the furtherest thing from their minds." At least that's my guess.

 

If anything good comes of this, at least I know that I've never in my life been that selfish about my own needs.

 

Thanks again, Victoria66. At least I've got some clue as to the bi-polar nature of cheating.

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How can you bring your lover into your own home or go into their home if they are actively with someone? How do you look at the bed as "just a bed" and not realize the issues that go along with the violation of trust? How can you shower with your lover, using the same shampoo and towels that your supposedly equally beloved mate uses?

 

Pretty easily if you don't have an emotional attachment to material objects. It isn't OUR bed, its a bed. It isn't OUR shampoo, its just shampoo. Where as an emotional person would say "This turkey as cooked with love and I thought about my SO the whole day as I plugged breading into its back end out of my endless love and desire to make my SO happy," others would say "Mmm, meat."

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Pretty easily if you don't have an emotional attachment to material objects. It isn't OUR bed, its a bed. It isn't OUR shampoo, its just shampoo. Where as an emotional person would say "This turkey as cooked with love and I thought about my SO the whole day as I plugged breading into its back end out of my endless love and desire to make my SO happy," others would say "Mmm, meat."

 

SimplySasha: It's scarey, Sasha, how honest and painful your answer is. And I guess it can really be THAT simple. I know so many "Mmmmm, meat" people: both men and women, they literally don't give a rat's * * * * what goes into their mouth. And these are nice people! One of the women like this, is married to a wonderful male friend of mine. He and I share a deep passion for cooking (nothing else!) and when we make our meals, it's Like Water for Chocolate. His wife teases the both of us, saying, "You could put Boston Market or a 4 star dinner in front of me and it wouldn't matter. I can't tell the difference."

 

So, if I use your logic, it's just a bed, nothing more. Man, depressing news, to be sure but it's only the insight from this forum that is keeping me together. The more that I can understand the motivation of the cheater mentality (where boredom or abuse isn't the background), the more at peace I can become.

 

Thanks for that short, bitter-sweet, honest answer.

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Hi....

 

I hope I won't get flamed but to answer your questions in truth...I think There is usually something missing when people cheat. For example, your ex husband started feeling "insecure" with the company being bought out...is that not something missing in his life?

Perhaps its not between you & him but there was def. something missing in his life. His sense of security for himself.

 

I do not understand how one could bring the OW/OM into "your" home, even though I've been the cheater before, that is something I could never do myself. There is not sense of right or wrong at this point. Perhaps the lust is too strong for any clear thinking. or respect to the slightest degree. I'm not sure. Sorry if its not much help.

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Hi....

 

I hope I won't get flamed but to answer your questions in truth...I think There is usually something missing when people cheat. For example, your ex husband started feeling "insecure" with the company being bought out...is that not something missing in his life?

Perhaps its not between you & him but there was def. something missing in his life. His sense of security for himself.

 

I do not understand how one could bring the OW/OM into "your" home, even though I've been the cheater before, that is something I could never do myself. There is not sense of right or wrong at this point. Perhaps the lust is too strong for any clear thinking. or respect to the slightest degree. I'm not sure. Sorry if its not much help.

 

I won't flame you, dreams123, but your answer was hard to read and digest. I've read some answers on this board where posters are saying "There must have been something missing in ____'s relationship for them to cheat." And what you're suggesting is that "Yes! Even when circumstances from the OUTSIDE of the relationship cause something to be missing, it's STILL grounds to cheat?????????

 

I get what you're saying. But, if you follow this logic, it means that if a weak person gets : fired/begins to gain weight/lose their hair/get into a fender-bender or just about anything else that is upsetting their personal apple cart....that gives them permission to cheat on their partner so that THEY can feel better about life? That's complete and utter bull crap!

 

Trust me: I get what you're puttin' down. You're saying that it was my husband's potential loss of job and identity with the job that MADE him cheat. HOW IS THAT MY PROBLEM OR ANY OTHER PARTNER'S PROBLEM AND HOW ARE WE FAILING THEM IN THE RELATIONSHIP??!! What are we supposed to do: become a Fortune 500 company and offer our spouses a new job? Or, like my current partner, who claimed she cheated because she was terrified of losing ME when her VISA runs out so she set up a "default" relationship with a HomeTown Boy so that SHE wouldn't feel the loss of me so badly?! Say WHAT?

 

Whatever.

 

I feel that when abuse, mental or physical, or or excessive cheating are NOT the background of a marriage and someone thinks of cheating to be a "bandage" on some boo-boo that the world-at-large has laid at their feet, they are just being whiney little babies that can't think beyond their own selfish needs...exactly as an infant reacts. "Feed me, cuddle me, nurture me" is what a baby demands and it truly gives NOTHING back except the ability to make us feel good in supplying those one-way needs.

 

I'm not the Government. I'm not a Head Hunter. I am NOT a person's spouse to fix all the wounds that the world hurls at you. If I flip both situations, then I should have had the affair! In the first case, my husband was loosing a 6-figure job and we were looking at zero money until he found one. BIG time stress on me! With my current partner, I am loosing the love of my life; someone who I've been to bat for with Immigration since day one. That gives ME great cause to fill MY void and bring another warm body to bed with me....right? No. WRONG. I accept that bad things happen to good people and that you tough it out and grow stronger from it. If a person allows the logic that "bad times= sexual affair", then all our grandparents who went through WWI and WWII and the Viet Nam war and the Great Depression should ALL have been boinking someone other than their partner, just so that they could make it to the next morning. Complete and utter b.s., I say.

 

Grow a pair. Get some personal strength and quit looking to others to solve YOUR problems. The rest of us do and we survive.

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Scaredy ...that was pure GOLD! ...and so friggin' true!

 

I'm sick of these people that offset their own insecurities by blaming their partners and looking elsewhere for validation.

 

Thank you, markr154. It felt good to read your supportive words and get that rant off of my chest!

 

I'm sick to death of the posters on this board that for each and every person who has been cheated on, saying to them,"Well, obviously there was something missing in YOUR relationship that YOU weren't providing for them." How about sometimes...just sometimes there ARE good/healthy/loving partners in relationships that just aren't GODS and can't fix all the things in life that happen to their partner while they are living & breathing????!!!!!

 

When I think of all the things that my poor grandparents went through: 6 weeks in a boat hold crossing the Atlantic to get to America in 1899. Coming to a land where they knew NO ONE. Couldn't speak English. Had no jobs. Traveled by covered wagons to Minnesota. Broke the forest, and their backs to build a log cabin. Cabin burnt down. Built another. THAT cabin burnt down. Built another. Had 13 kids. Nine died in the iron ore mines of Duluth. And went through all the wars. Were young adults during the Great Depression. And they stayed married to each other until my grandpa died in 1979 at age 100. Married for 80 years. AND NO FRIGGIN AFFAIRS!

 

When babies died, they could have cheated. When crops failed, they could have cheated. When farms went bancrupt, they could have cheated. But, they clung to each other closer through each tragedy and grew stronger.

 

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm surrounded by 1000's of crying babies chasing after me to change their dirty di-dees and pop a bottle into their mouths! WHEN do people grow up, accept responsibility, do the RIGHT thing, tough it out and quit thinking of their own selfish asses??? I guess, never.

 

Always an excuse. Always an affair, waiting in the wings.

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I'm sick to death of the posters on this board that for each and every person who has been cheated on, saying to them,"Well, obviously there was something missing in YOUR relationship that YOU weren't providing for them."

Well you will not find that here mostly. Infact most cheaters get hung out to dry no questions asked.

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Well you will not find that here mostly. Infact most cheaters get hung out to dry no questions asked.

 

 

You're right, Victoria66. Since joining, I've seen that many posters have not been sympathetic to either the OW/OM or the concept of affairs. When I first joined, however, I had read enough posts in various threads, where they suggested "OBVOIUSLY something was missing in YOUR relationship!"

 

God how that hurts to read that line! It's like telling a loving and good parent, who is at the Emergency Room with their child who continues to fall down and become hurt or bruised, "You're a BAD parent! You must be abusing this child!"

 

I bruise like a peach; always have, always will. I remember when I had a female check up and out of the blue, the doctor asked me, "Who is beating you so badly that you bruise like this?" I realize that they were doing their job but the doctor simply refused my explanation of how I have a very physical job, involved with heavy objects and equipment and that I bruise easily. I was charged as GUILTY for doing absolutely NOTHING WRONG! That's how it feels when some posters keep insisting that it was somehow the victim's problem that their partner cheated.

 

Like I said earlier, I can't manufacture VISA's or jobs to help out my SO and get their insecurities in line. I can only show them unconditional love and support and if that's not good enough.....

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No adult human love is unconditional (you only get that from children and animals, the epitomy of innocence) and no one of us is perfect ...but we possess the moral strength, commitment & selflessness to value, protect and nurture the foundation of our relationships.

 

We are all entitled to have our needs met in our relationships ...but not be selfish about it.

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Hun I know you are SUPERBLY mad at the moment and screaming out your moral and personal outrage and in some ways only her absolute destruction and the destruction of others like her will make you happy at the moment. I know you did some very beneficial things for her and I am not saying she is justified in any way at all in what she did. People are people that is all I can say. We all come with our baggage and agendas. I really personally think you should let her go because this is something that needs A LOT of work to get over and both you and her are in NO position to work on it in your present frames of mind.

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Okay, I've never been the cheater myself, only been on the other side but, like you; have been left with questions as to why this occurs. The truth is; yes, something IS missing in the relationship and this is why people look outside of them to fulfill them. However, there are indeed times that what's missing is something that the BS cannot reasonably provide. Sometimes, the BS could really be crowned "BEST SIGNIFICANT OTHER" for whatever year you want and it STILL isn't enough. In that case, it isn't a shortcoming of the BS, it's simply an issue with the WS.

 

There's a time and place for logic and emotion. During certian situations like affairs however, these tend to get skewed or even switch places in certian circumstances. Now, for whatever reason instead of 1+1 = 2 it now equals 11. Fow whatever reason in their minds they actually do get the green light to cheat, their happiness can come at the expense of the relationship. For some reason it's okay and in others, why heck, they are actually ENTITLED to it, Or so they believe!!

 

It's a matter of perception, and theirs gets a little confused at times. Do they actually want to end their relationship? Probably not, do they think that it will end their relationship? Yes, but as Victoria said, at the time, it simply doesn't matter; "What matters is how things make ME feel and nothing else even registers on my radar." All that matters is the moment and at this moment, "I feel really good."

 

It's similar to an addiction in a way, I'm sure that everyone knows that drinking, drugs, or sex can't fill a hole in your life, but we know thousands of people who do this everyday anyway, some of us know one personally. The momentary high, it can become all consuming to some. I've said it many times before that it would never make logical sense to attempt to put out a fire with gasoline, and most people here already know this, but affairs aren't logical.

 

I hope that sheds some sort of insight, I don't think I answered your question at all, but I too have been musing this for quite some time and this is what I've come up with so far.

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  • 2 months later...

i cheated on my ex who i love to death in the first two weeks of our relationship. his 24 year old friend and i were stuck watching tv for hours while he was taking the metro down to see me, and he was pretty cute and charming (i thought he was 18 at the time). also, i had no real feelings for my bf; he had basically pressured and pestered me into going out with him. i ended up cheating, we told him, he was really upset but forgave me. 8 months later, and i am madly and deeply in love with this boy; i would do anything in the world for him and i cant imagine life without him. i think our relationship is great and loving and committed and i dont even look at other men twice, but little did i know that my cheating had been eating away at his self esteem and trust this entire time. he randomly decided to break it off because of never really being able to get over it. i was DEVASTATED; after that one fling i actually started caring about the relationship and would never have done it again. thats the first time ive ever cheated, it was my first long term relationship, and i will never, ever cheat again. i am only sixteen, and so i didnt understand the consequences, and didnt think that in time i might actually grow to love this man. if i could take back one thing in life, it would be that. because of cheating, i lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

we didn't talk for five months and only recently just started talking again. hes said he misses me, but he has a girlfriend now and has moved on. id like to think ive moved on as well, but i still love him so much, and ive told him how i can never forgive myself for ruining what we had. i can tell his feelings for me are still there, and his current gf, who hes been seeing for two months, treats him like crap and is a bit of a hoe to boot. i want to smack her; she is the luckiest girl in the world to have him as a boyfriend, and shes taking it for * * * * ing granted. i want nothing more in the world than to get back with him, and i pray to god that he can find it in his heart to understand that im younger and more inexperienced than he is, and this was my one lesson and i learned it very well - i will NEVER cheat again.

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This question, ideally, is only presented to people who've cheated on their partners and THERE WAS NOTHING MISSING IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

 

With all due respect, does this happen?

 

If nothing is missing it doesn't happen. That is the deal. If nothing is missing fadelity is present, honor and commitment are present.

 

Something must be missing. One of the two may not know it. Communication is missing, among other things. But someone was left wanting for some reason...even if the flaw is in the cheater alone, rare, it is still a sign of something missing.

 

Hard to hear this if you were kicked in the teeth, I know. I do...but it is true.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Scaredy_Squirrel

This question, ideally, is only presented to people who've cheated on their partners and THERE WAS NOTHING MISSING IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

 

 

Botched wrote:

With all due respect, does this happen?

 

If nothing is missing it doesn't happen. That is the deal. If nothing is missing fadelity is present, honor and commitment are present

 

Something must be missing. One of the two may not know it. Communication is missing, among other things. But someone was left wanting for some reason...even if the flaw is in the cheater alone, rare, it is still a sign of something missing.

 

I think that was her point.

If the only flaw that leads a person to cheat is within themself, then the relationship may not be missing anything. It is a personal issue and it will likely exist with or without a relationship.

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Good God...You must have been 15 at the time the 24 year old TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. That should be your regret, letting some fool close.

 

Run track or work at the mall or study...get out of young mens apartments!

i had no idea he was 24; he had lied and said he was 17. (he looks young for his age). and it wasnt an apartment or anything sketchy like that; we were actually at my friends house (the guy i cheated with lives there since hes a bum) and his little siblings were there; the 24 yo convinced me to take a walk in the park (id been sitting on a couch watching tv for four hours) whereupon he took advantage of me.

 

im just putting out my personal perspective on this out there - there definitely are cheaters, and most of the time i agree with "once a cheater always a cheater", but there are exceptions, mine included. i chalk it up to being young and inexperienced, but i learned my lesson and found out cheating *does* have serious consequences, and it is something i will NEVER do again.

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