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Help me understand this...


rnmom

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I have been with my husband for 2 years, married for almost 5 months. We had an incident yesterday and I am not sure what to do. He was a drinker when I 1st met him, not everyday, but loved to go out with the guys. He moved 250 miles to be with me and my kids. We seemed to have everything going for us until yesterday and now I am so confused.

 

He calls me yesterday saying a friend of his will be at a nearby casino this weekend. Him and his girlfriend have a free room Friday and Saturday night and had invited another couple to go with them. They backed out so they thought of us. I am appreciative of that and would go in a heartbeat if my weekend was free. However, I have children and have them every other weekend(this is my weekend). I want to spend time with my kids as we have just recently gotten back from a week long trip to VA, from his high school reunion, to see his "buddies".

 

So, I have been verbally beat down from this. He is making me feel bad that I do not find it acceptable to leave a 16,14,11,8 year old home alone for the WEEKEND to go drink(yes he suggested that). He also has made me feel bad for not wanting to "pawn" my kids off to their friends/dad for the weekend. I am a PARENT, I want to be with my kids, there is nothing wrong with that. Actually he made fun of me for that. I have been a parent since I was 22, and I have not been the "party" type because of my kids. He also told me that after this he plans on going out drinking whenever he wants(as much as before if he wants). He also said "the next woman that screws with me is dead". He said that we never do anything fun...HELLO we JUST GOT BACK FROM VA which I PAID FOR!! He told me he is planning on going to a divorce seminar to "gain information". It just goes on and on, he has said so much I couldn't possibly type it all here.

 

****This is after this past weekend where I was told (with tears in his eyes) that me and the kids are what was missing in his life, that is why he drank before/that he thanked God for sending me his way/that we have something special that other people want/bragged to his buddies how he loved me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him.***

 

Now he says he is going with or without me. He is planning on spending the entire weekend at the casino, "drinking as much as possible", with his buddy. I can see going there and spending some time with him. I have NO problem with that. I woul LOVE for him to go spend some time with him. But spending the ENTIRE weekend out boozing it up? Is this appropriate behavior for a husband/step-father? Or am I totally not supposed to feel the way I do?

 

Before someone bashes me about him seeing his friend let me say one thing. He is out of town for 1 week every month. During that week he is in the SAME CITY as this friend. It is not like he never sees him. Also, I have asked him several times for us to go to the casinos...just to the buffet. Neither of us gamble, and he would ALWAYS say he does not go in casinos. But now it is great to go there? HUH?

 

I am so beat down and confused. How does one make such an abrupt change and become verbally abusive in a matter of days? It hurts.

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I would say maybe he was not ready for the adult life, if he wants to go and drink it up just let him know your not happy about it but let him go anyway. The more you deny him the more he will blame you for the no fun thing.

 

Also let him know that heavy drinking is not something that youll put up with, just make sure that you are ready for his reaction.

 

I agree with you, I would want to spend time with my kids if I only got them on the weekends and he should know how you feel and realize just cause they are older doesnt mean that they dont want your attention, and to spend time with you.

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If you've been a parent since you were 22 and your oldest is 16, I am assuming your husband is in his late 30s or older. He sounds REALLY selfish and a little immature.

 

YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT WRONG!!!!

 

Of course you want to spend time with your kids if you only see them every other weekend. Sometimes people say mean things when they are mad..Was he drinking???

 

If everything has been good till now, just take as anger talking and talk about it when the two of you have calmed down a little bit. You really cant stop him from going, you'll just end up fighting more and both of you being resentful. Maybe you could come to an agreement that you meet him one of the days and spend time at the casino together, Maybe even 1 night then go back to the kids... It wouldnt kill him to spend one night at the casino and then come home either...It's not like your being unreasonable and saying no if you go I will not be here when you get back!!! From what you say he gets plenty of "me" time. (1 week a month)

 

It's not fair but it looks as though you are going to be the one bending in this relationship because he just doesn't seem willing.

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Eghh guys like this piss me off more than anything else.

 

The guy I'm with does the same thing- I'll say lets go do something, workout or go to a party and he sounds so down about it and he says well you have things to do or I don't feel like going or I'm not a big partier.

 

&& we end up doing nothing.

 

But when I go out of town-his friends invite him to parties and I tell him it's bulls*** because when I ask him it is like Hmmm maybe not or I don't feel like it.

 

So I told him I was sick of being put off and him not doing things w/ me and going to do the things I asked him to do.

 

Well the night he told me he was going out he said he felt bad and he wouldn't go anywhere else without me and that a friend was just coming over for a few drinks.

Well he was taking extra long to respond to my text messages so I said your already at the party aren't you?

 

&&He said Yeah we left five minutes ago what are you talking about (HE WAS OBVIOUSLY DRUNK) and I flipped. I cried because he had just told me he wouldn't go anywhere else without me and we would make memories etc then he went out.

 

After I texted him for a little he just stopped responding.

 

It was hard for me to sleep that night. He left me not knowing if he was safe..sleeping around etc.

 

The next day I was back in town-I asked him why he stopped texting me, he said I was drunk I didn't even think to look at my phone.

 

So I said well...if your too drunk to where you don't rememeber us being in the middle of a heated argument what makes me think your going to be "aware" enough to not do something with some other chick.

 

Then he ended up admitting ignoring my texts so he can have a good time while I was out of town.

 

It really hurt me because the last texts I sent him where "Let me know your safe before I go to bed please"

 

&& He never responded. I was even more disgusted when I saw him the next day and he smelled like beer all over.

 

BASICALLY. The whole reason of that story is that your not the only one going through this bull.

 

I don't know what to do either. You feel like your holding them back from having a good time BUT they are being selfish and not being considerate of you and your feelings.

 

It's COMPLETE selfishness. I hate it more than anything.

 

I'm sorry your going through this. The fact he is in town where his good buddy is a week out of every month-shows he spends time with the guy. It's not like once in a blue moon he sees him.

 

He should think about your feelings and your kids. You can't just throw your kids at your friends of ex. You worry about what the kids will think and if your leaving them behind.

 

My parents have been divorced for a long time. My mom always goes on vacations with her new boyfriend and I'm being honest when I say I hate it. I love for her to have a good time but I feel like she is so focused on him then taking her kids out.

Maybe that is selfish but when she complains about not having money I bring up the vacations she just took with her boyfriend who doesn't pay for anything.

 

Your kids will always be there for you and they will always love you just as you will always love them.

 

This guy seems confused and unsure of his priorities. If he doesn't see you as his first..then something is wrong. He is choosing drinking over spending time with his family. Just as my boyfriend chose to have a good time and ignore me.

 

Spend time with your kids you know they will always be there for you.

Talking to your husband might not do anything but go with your heart...what do you think you could say/do to get the point accross.

This is a hard nut to crack so it won't be easy but be bring and remember to stay true to yourself and family

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