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Feeling like a lost cause


UltraGeek2000

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I thought that my self esteem had reached the highest point it had ever been, but suddenly I find my confidence slipping again.

 

I'm in my early 20's and have no experience with girls whatsoever. Not even dating or kissing, none of that. I realize that the reason for that is probably a mix of lifelong social anxiety and a defeatist attitude that developed from having social anxiety. In college I determined that due to my lack of social skill I should just think "screw it" and not even try, figuring that all the girls were out of my league and I'm so far behind socially that I probably couldn't catch up. I decided that instead of trying to catch up socially I should learn to accept getting used to being alone.

 

Then once I got out of college I kind of decided to start over. I decided I should start developing healthier habits, get in better shape, etc. I also started to drive a lot more, where before my anxiety kept me from wanting to be behind the wheel. This helped bring my confidence up quite a bit. I struggled to find a job, but when I finally found one it helped me meet new people and made me feel even better about myself. I started to wonder if maybe I wasn't a loser after all, that maybe I could be dating material someday.

 

Recently though I've kind of started to feel down on myself again. I still have no experience with girls whatsoever, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I still live with my parents, which everyone seems to say is a big no no if you want to impress women. I'm trying to save money now, and I don't think I'd be able to afford to live on my own yet. I know that a lack of confidence will get me nowhere, but it's hard to be confident in myself sometimes. I know without the confidence I'm not ready to date, but in some ways without the dating experience and knowing what to do I'm not going to have that confidence.

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hey ultra!

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling your confidence slipping at the moment...that is never a good feeling.

 

but, from reading your post, all i can say is, look how far you've come! what you've described shows a lot of progress to me! keep working at it! don't give up even if you feel at a sort of standstill right now...there will be hill tops, plateaus and difficult climbing on this path! but, it's all about the journey...not just the destination. keep going and i think you will continue to progress as you have been! don't put too much pressure on yourself for where you "should" be at this point....let it happen naturally. keep saving, and eventually you will be able to move out. keep socializing, and eventually you will meet the right girl....just keep going...

 

lots of love,

melly

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I decided that instead of trying to catch up socially I should learn to accept getting used to being alone.

 

That kind of thinking is counter productive. Instead, strive to conquer your fears about being alone. This will help you to form the basis for healthy self confidence. Think of it this way, if you're always afraid of being alone and you happen to find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, you might be too afraid to leave.

 

Also, if you have this fear in the early stages of a relationship, you could end up trying too hard to make it work, which puts you in a one down position, which opens the door to getting used, getting treated poorly, or accepting less than what you need and deserve.

 

You've done well to focus on fixing the parts of your life that you have control over. No one can take that away from you.

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I feel like a lost cause too. My situation is pretty similar. Most of the time, I don't really care but I do get depressed and lonely from time to time. But that's better than being in a terrible relationship. I don't date and I've been celibate for many years. All I can say is "Thank god for porn!"

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you shouldn't stop meeting people. think of it as a learning experience, or honing your skills or keeping yourself sharp socially. so that when the job situation is in order, you'll be confident because you have a job as well as having accomplished your social goals over that period.

 

i'm kinda in a rut myself; i am back in graduate school; it seems so diffiicult to break the ice at school, especially with girls in my class or i see around. I joined a student group that kinda helps to meet more people; recenlty, i've done more approaching at the clubs; i think its a little bit easier to break the ice at a club since people are dancing, drinking having fun. whereas at school people are stuck in their day to day routine.

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Nothing. I still feel the same, but every week I try to accept my fate and think that the only way is up.

 

No your no where near the bottom. When you reach the point of being dateless for a decade and have no friends, stay at home on your days off and the closest thing to human contact is texting to people on a fourm like this one as your only source of exsistance then you've hit bottom. It's a bottom from which there's no escape.

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Read the link in my sig. I think you can learn something from it.

 

Thanks. I've looked over the first half or so of it.

 

I realize that I'm not ready to date. Sometimes that's a little frustrating, because I also know that I'm way closer to being datable than I have ever been in my life, yet I still have a ways to go before I hit that goal. I'm more confident in my appearance than I have ever been, I take more time with how I dress and I'm probably in the best shape of my life. I've kind of embraced that I don't have a "normal" personality. I'm really geeky, but I'm tired of being ashamed of that. I don't want to come off as obsessed with my geekier hobbies, but at the same time if some obscure movie or TV trivia comes up I'm no longer embarrassed about what I know, because I figure it's better to show a geeky personality than no personality at all.

 

I think one of my major obstacles is that I have a very small circle of friends, and I'm pretty dependent on my friends coming up with something to do if I'm going to go out. If I'm not invited to something, then that probably means I have no plans for the weekend. I'm not really sure how well I'd do with finding something to do on my own, or whether I should attempt the bar or club scene by myself.

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....

I think one of my major obstacles is that I have a very small circle of friends, and I'm pretty dependent on my friends coming up with something to do if I'm going to go out. If I'm not invited to something, then that probably means I have no plans for the weekend. I'm not really sure how well I'd do with finding something to do on my own, or whether I should attempt the bar or club scene by myself.

 

you should try it; as others have said its not the most basic/easiest step in finding a social or dating life, especially for introverts with no social skills. but what it can do is it gets you out of your comfort zone. challenge your negative thought process; challenge your emotions

 

i've spent many nights in bars/clubs by myself, since my line of work doesn't lend well to meeting others. i end up against the wall or at the bar, feeling too down with no one with me, not knowing how to make any friends, not able to work up the courage to even try to interact in order to learn.

 

one advice i've heard several times from guys who all of a sudden could flirt with random females is they "stopped caring". i thought this meant to stop caring about what women would think if you tried talking to them and appeared as awkward. i wanted this attitude but i'm finding out its more; its stop caring about what everyone thinks, who cares if they think you're the "loner". you don't need anyone's approval. What matters is you enjoying the night regardless. its negative thought process and self limiting beliefs. terms i've read over many times on this board.

 

i've sortof had an awakening of sorts this week from a series of events. 1) on campus i sat down to study close to a female. had to plug my laptop into the outlet right in front of her. throughout studying i was thinking what could i say. i ended up saying nothing and left. i withdrew into my own world, routine of studying. 2) i was leaving my apartment to run to the gym. as i walked down a flight of stairs i noticed a female checking her mail. we passed and i didn't even make eye contact. i was too busy adjusting the draw string on my running shorts. ready to work out my social frustration at the gym 3) was at the mall by myself eating asian food. i'm not very good at the native language and i wasn't skilled at using chopsticks. i kept noticing the waitresses and cashier smiling amongst themselves. were they laughing at me for my inadequacies? for eating by myself, no friends, playing games on my cell phone? started to withdraw internally.

 

in all three events i kept internalizing, focusing on negative thoughts or things i need to do; stuck in my own world; i could have said a simple hello. in three i was being completely illogical; why was i mind reading? and who cares if they did laugh at me. do i need there approval? i'm going back there to eat by myself and play games on my cell phone again. same thing as you go out and learn to interact. you don't need approval whether you succeed or fail. recognize the problem as the negative thought process loop; ask yourself is it logical to kick yourself down over and over or make excuses? don't run away and withdraw into your own world; i.e. too busy studying, working out. etc... apologize for the long post but its been a process to start thinking differently.

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No your no where near the bottom. When you reach the point of being dateless for a decade and have no friends, stay at home on your days off and the closest thing to human contact is texting to people on a fourm like this one as your only source of exsistance then you've hit bottom. It's a bottom from which there's no escape.

 

Mate, that's not far off where I've been of late!!

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Mate, that's not far off where I've been of late!!

 

Please say it isn't so?

 

I know of no one that is more unluck than me when it comes to dating. I can ask and no one says yes... Believe me I've asked plenty of women out and no one is ever interested. Now I've heard of Ugly but I must hold the guiness world record for being dateless. I'm just about ready to call Howard Stern and see if I can go on his radio show.

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Not ready to date? That is a cop out for not trying in my opinion.

 

Did you not read the guide? I'm not saying take it as gospel, but he does have a point. If someone isn't really ready, odds are they aren't going to fare well in looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. I was never ready in college. I had a poor mindset. I was either putting everyone on a pedestal, trying to be a people pleaser, or being completely down on myself. I can see now why I never came close to attracting anyone in college. Now I'm closer than I ever was, but I still don't think I'm ready. I mean, I still have doubts that I can pull off meeting someone and having a relationship. I'm still not completely happy with myself. Maybe I don't feel that I'm enough of a well rounded person. Maybe I need to get out there more before I feel comfortable enough to seriously pursue dating.

 

I'm not trying right now because I don't think I'm ready to try. I need to get out and meet more people before I can seriously give it a try. Otherwise I'd probably be jumping too fast into seeking a girlfriend in order to fill some kind of gap in my social life, and that doesn't seem like a good idea to me while I'm rusty on having an active social life. I recognize that at times I still feel that desperation to start a relationship. I try to ignore it but it's still there, especially when I hear about my peers being in relationships and I realize that I have zero experience. That desperation can't be a good thing, so something is probably missing before I have all I need to successfully pursue a relationship.

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It's not a good idea to start trying to fill the holes in your life with a woman. She's not going to solve your problems. My older brother is doing this. He is very depressed and tries to fix that by looking for a woman. He then becomes clingy, needy, desperate, etc as his problems start to turn up in the relationship.

 

I think you really do need to work on numero uno for starters. Become more comfortable with your life and yourself first. Once you are happy with yourself you will be in a MUCH better position to find the right relationship.

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Recently though I've kind of started to feel down on myself again. I still have no experience with girls whatsoever, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I still live with my parents, which everyone seems to say is a big no no if you want to impress women. I'm trying to save money now, and I don't think I'd be able to afford to live on my own yet. I know that a lack of confidence will get me nowhere, but it's hard to be confident in myself sometimes. I know without the confidence I'm not ready to date, but in some ways without the dating experience and knowing what to do I'm not going to have that confidence.

 

 

I feel you. This is the problem that I have as well. How do you have confidence in something that you have never been successful at? I think we have to look at the big picture, there is more to life then dating.

 

Your a college grad, and im sure have other positive things going for you. Try to draw your condidence from these experiences/successes.

 

I know it can be difficult at times but keep your spirits up, and im sure it will happen for all of us one day....good luck to u!

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Well I ventured out on my own about a week ago. I think the experience was kind of mixed. On the one hand, I only talked to a couple of people. One was an employee, and then I also talked to a couple that was there as well once they realized I was there by myself. I spent the rest of the time wandering around. It seemed like everyone else there knew each other already and had already come with other people, so I guess I psyched myself out and couldn't figure out an opening to talk to other people.

 

Even though I could have pushed myself harder, I feel good that I bothered to go, because while some would consider that night a failure it was more of a success than if I had just stayed home. Maybe I still need to have friends there with me, because I couldn't shake the feeling that I was a bit of a loser for being there on my own. It was kind of like I had no back up if I was going to socialize with strangers.

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