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best friend from school is not who she used to be


randomgirl59

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Hi everyone,

 

I've known my best friend since junior high, we are both in our 20's now and have chosen very different paths. For a couple years now my friend has been drinking, sleeping around and involving herself with abusive men much older than her. Things have gotten much worse for her recently, she lost her job and I suspect she is taking drugs, she also asks me for money frequently, which I dont have a lot of.

 

I feel we've drifted apart, I'm very close to finishing school and plan to have a very career oriented life. I simply do not know how to help her anymore. She just keeps going downhill but I dont blame her due to her family problems. She's miscarried twice, I've also noticed she gets sick a lot, which makes me fear the worse.

 

We dont really hang out anymore, I dont want to, I dont know what to say anymore, we never had anything in common before, but it pains me to see what she is doing to herself. I'm scared to go to her place because the men she is friends with and involved in are abusive..

 

I really dont want to tell her that I dont want to be friends anymore..I do want to continue talking to her on the phone or through email, but I dont want to hang out with her anymore.

 

I hate myself for saying this, but i'm afraid that if I stop being her friend..or best friend, that she will blab very personal information about me. She once bailed me out of an extremely tough situation, and i'm scared she'll reveal this online. I just dont know what to do. I've tried to help her, I listened to her in her darkest moments, I've given her food...I'm just scared that she is spiraling more and more downhill...she drinks a lot. I cant help someone who wont listen to me!

 

How can I continue to make excuses to not see her..well to be honest they aren't even excuses, I really am very busy at the moment and I dont have time.

 

I'm also one of these people who just doesnt seem to keep friends for more than a few years. I'm thankful for the friendship we had, but its not the same anymore.

 

Please help, I could really use some advice on how to deal with this

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That's a tough line to walk, really. Good friends stick by each other but from what you've written, it seems like it's pretty one-sided. People DO drift apart and that is not something to be ashamed of. I never thought I'd drift away from my HS friends, but I did.

 

If you think she will blackmail you should you stop contact, then she really isn't a friend, is she? I'd just be cordial and polite, but brief and wouldn't commit to meeting. I'd also stop giving her food and money as you're just a safety net, not a friend.

 

Good luck.

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This is a totally normal, completely natural stage of life. I think pretty much everyone goes through it. It's like a romantic relationship. People change, people grow, people move on with their lives. Especially late teens, early twenties. It's the time when you really began to grow and expand your life. It's like the old line people give when they break up with someone--I love you but I'm no longer IN love with you. You'll ALWAYS care about this friend, she'll hold a dear place in your heart for the rest of your life. But, you're two completely different people now than you were 5 years ago. It's time to move on.

 

My advice to you would be to end the friendship. From what you say, there's nothing positive left about it. You no longer have anything in common. She uses you for money.

 

Wouldn't you rather look back ten years from now and remember what a wonderful time you shared together? Or, would you look back and automatically think of the more recent negatives?

 

It's okay, I've "dumped" friends before. Everyone has. Sometimes, it's for the best.

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its not so much that she doesn't care about me, i know she does, but everytime she calls me she * * * * * es about the men in her life and all the horrible things they do to her yet she keeps going back to them (she just got back together with an abusive BF) I try to give advice, like she drinks too much, and i tell her not to, but she wont listen, and also, i dont want to seem to preachy. To be honest, I dont want to associate with people like that.

 

I haven't given her money yet, just food (cuz thats what she said she needed it for) and when i told her i made a purchase last week, she asked in an accusatory tone "how much it set me back" cuz the last time i told her i dont have money.

 

I dont think she'd blackmail me by telling my secrets, but a few years back my life was turned into a living hell by an old group of friends who spread rumors about me on the internet..i'm so scared of this happening again. Then again, I have dirt on her too..

 

Deep down i think she knows that the friendship is pretty much gone, but she wont let go. I dont hate her, i still consider her a friend, but more of an aquaintance now.

 

If I break it off, how do i do it? just continue making excuses? I really dont want to do the whole "look i dont think we should be friends anymore" thing because in my past experiences with this, it just turns people really defensive and pisses them off.

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