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I cheated on her with a prostitute...


DesperateGuy

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

This is a hard post for me. Because I made the worst mistake that I have made so far in my life.

 

I have been, and still am, in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We started seeing each other about three years ago. We understod each other right from the start, and while there were a few fights and arguments over time, we always found a way through.

 

However, about a year ago, things changed. She had a very stressful time graduating from university, while I had to relocate to another city (we lived in the same city before) in order to find work. With her being stressed by her graduation and me being stressed by moving and my new work, we struggled to maintain our relationship as it was. Having been very close together before and now being restrained to an LDR with nightly phone calls I felt I was lacking something. The physical component of our relationship was virtually non existent during that time... At one point I had not seen my gf for some six weeks and after a fight on the phone over something that later proved to be inane and rather trivial - I cannot even remember exactly what we fought about - I just felt like everything was going the wrong way.

 

I was angry, with her, with me, with our relationship which I deemed to be so insufficient. I just wanted to go out and think, but I didn't even know where to go to in this place I just had moved to. While browsing the web to find some bar or whatever to go to, I stumbled upon a website guiding through the city's red light district. Amazed and curious I was and at first I just stuck with reading it. A few days later I walked through the district and discovered it for myself. For all my life, I thought of prostitution as something dirty, immoral, something "just not right". And now everything seemed so simple: The physical attention I was looking for...all I had to do is pay for it...

 

And I fell for it. I cannot explain why. Curiosity, anger, the sheer excitement of doing something "forbidden"... One of the girls attracted me. She looked just like a picture of how I imagined a girl in my dreams. At least that's what went through my head. I was to weak to resist. I wanted, I needed to sleep with her, there and then. And I did.

 

It was not at all fulfilling. Nor was it the physical attention that I so badly desired. Off course not. It was cold business.

 

It took me a while to realize, that what I had done was not what I wanted, not what I needed, and most certainly not what my parents raised me for. I was, and still am, truly ashamed of myself for what I did.

 

Some weeks have passed since then. Our relationship improved again, and we overcame our problems, thanks to a number of lengthy phone calls, and many personal conversations I had with her. But this one thing remains. This dark shadow on my mind. I cannot confess it to her. It would break her heart, and she would most certainly leave me on instant, and rightly so, I have to admit. She has said many many times, that she would never ever forgive me, if I cheated on her.

 

Last night she slept next to me, for the first night in a long time. But I could not sleep at all. I was lying next to her, freezing, shivering, cringing, just plain scared and sick. Now, that we ought to be happily together again, all I could think of was how badly I have treated her and our relationship. My heart was pounding in my chest, I was sweating, pondering whether I should confess or not.

 

I cannot live this way. I do not know how to resolve this situation. I do not want to be without her. And I could feel her happiness about having made it together and having worked our issues out. How could I destroy that? Instead I am sitting here, at 1 a.m., not finding a night's rest. Writing these lines, hoping they can explain to myself how I could possibly get myself in such predicament.

 

I don't know what to do.

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Thanks for your advice. While I did not get checked for STDs yet, I did use a condom. Indeed I really should get a check, you're right.

 

My intentions are, first and foremost, to save our relationship. I do not want to go as far as saying that we will get married at some point, but I do not want to exclude that either. I have - semi-jokingly - asked her before, whether she would consider it, and she said she would not at the time being. Which is very much in line with what i think. After all, it's "only" been three years. But came the right time, yes I certainly would.

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An awful, awful situation...

 

Would you rather have the noose break your neck or strangle you, slowly, over the course of an hour?

 

I don't know what to say. She doesn't deserve to be hurt, but she does deserve to tell the truth. Many people live their lives ignorant of their partner's indiscretion and are happy because of it. First, get yourself tested, just to be safe. Next...

 

I've never been in your shoes. I don't know your SO, your family, or anyone else involved. Could you stand on the wedding altar, assuming it gets that far, and listen to the vows being read while these secret lingers in your heart? I don't know if I could. But would it be for the best? Would it be better having her not know - living with the guilt in order to spare her the pain?

 

Ever seen the movie Last Kiss? I think that says it, but in reality just sitting outside the betrayed partner's door and hoping she forgives you isn't going to work. Living a life of penance is also silly. You have to move on, one way or the other.

 

I wish I could say this one way is more right than another. Were it me, I think I'd confess. Clean the slate, meet your fear and hope to work this thing out - be stronger. Pay the piper if you have to... That's what men do. Still, hurting her...

 

In the end, only you can know what's right.

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You tell her and your relationship is most definitely going to be over....

 

This is your call and only yours - I dont know if I would want to know if my SO did this to me. Not sure if I could handle that kind of pain. I was never in this type of situation so I have no clue but I know if my SO confessed something like this to me he would be gone before he finished his sentence.

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This post made me ill. Just to think of her loving you, telling her friends about you, being happy with her life... just living not knowing you've done something like this to her. (but you know)

 

We all make mistakes; they are completely a natural part of growing and living.

 

I second the STD check. If you're a praying man, get going. (This coming from an atheist.)

 

*shudder*

Best of luck.

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This is cut and dry.

 

It's really just a matter of if you'll summon the guts to face your own mistake and do right by the girl you profess to care about so much.

 

I won't fluff this up because I don't think this is a complicated situation at all.

 

I think it would be beyond selfish to not owe up to this, possibly putting this woman at risk for her very life, and on top of that, to live in a never ending betrayal and relationship that is a lie from here on in.

 

You didn't give her a choice when you decided to go out and locate that prostitute, pay for her, and sleep with her.

 

But you can give her the choice that is rightfully hers now on whether or not she wants to remain in this relationship.

 

To do otherwise, is simply to betray and cheat her twice over. Over and over again.

 

If it hurts you inside this bad knowing what you have done, why compound the mistake and torture you and this girl further?

 

It doesn't even require self forgiveness to stand up and do the right thing. Just a simple choice - to give this woman what she deserves, the respect and decency of knowing all the information to make her own choices.

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You know if you were married and this was a huge one time mistake made out of stupidity & never ever to be repeated (only you would know for sure) then I would tell you to suck it up & live with the guilt. This is your burden not hers (assuming all std checks came out ok right?)

 

But really, she is just your girlfriend and you are not even sure if she is the one. You are going to have to figure out what you can live with. But whatever you decide, don't put it off. If you are going to tell her, then do it right away. Don't waste anymore of her time.

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hurry and get checked for stds before she ends up doing it.

 

i would just tell her at this point. you seem like you really want it to be off you chest but at the same time you dont want to deal with the consequences. i think it would be better for YOU even if things ended because you wouldnt have to keep this secret anymore. keeping things secret can be exhausting

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I don't really think being "just a girlfriend" makes it any different. It's about basic respect and decency. But hopefully the next time you're in a relationship and things get rough to the point you want to sleep with a prostitute, you can make a better choice for both you and the girl you're with.

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I don't really think being "just a girlfriend" makes it any different. It's about basic respect and decency. But hopefully the next time you're in a relationship and things get rough to the point you want to sleep with a prostitute, you can make a better choice for both you and the girl you're with.

 

No, it doesn't but it does change my advice. He isn't sure he wants to even be with her for the long haul, has already cheated praps its time to call a spade a spade and move on.

 

If he was married with little kids, my advice would be different.

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You need to own up to your mistake and tell her. It may or may not end the relationship but you still owe her honesty regardless of the outcome. You are very remorseful about it and that is good. Some relationships do indeed work out even after something like this...but it is better to be honest now rather than having it come out months or years from now. Actually the damage to a relationship is much worse the longer it takes for the secret to come out.

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His actions definitely prove he isn't in it for the long haul, sadly.

 

I know. Why go all the way to that extreme though? I mean I guess they are really paying them to "go away" but man.

 

I feel for his girl. I know what my reaction would be if someone came to me with this little nugget of info.

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I'd be even more pissed if the person didn't tell me himself.

 

And if he can't bring the info to her because he is trying to cover his over butt and for his own selfish purposes, you can almost guarantee another 'mistake' will be made that will show this girl the type of man she is dealing with sooner or later.

 

Sooner to hear the truth from the horse's mouth is better.

 

It does rile me a bit up because there tends to be this general idea to some people that keeping mum is somehow serving the one betrayed. That is an outright lie.

 

The truth isn't what hurts someone who is betrayed. It is the betrayal itself. To add further lies and deception to the mix only makes it worse.

 

Not just for the one who was hurt by another's choices either, but for the person who did it.

 

Obviously OP has some conscience and I'd imagine if it is genuine, then keeping the lie will only drive him to further acts of shame and desperation, in turn, to try and relieve that shame.

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Hypothetically, let's imagine that the cheater then goes on to be an exemplary husband and father, with no danger of relapse and no chance of the wife ever finding out? As I've said earlier, I don't believe in this course of action, but it's worth considering at the very least.

 

Let's say it did work out that way, yet somehow in the distant future the wife does find out... After years of raising children, creating a solid family foundation and establishing united ties in the community? Would it be 'right' of her to reduce that to ashes, based upon a lamented mistake many years in the past? If it isn't, and if it's understandable to forgive him after many years of good behavior (after all, it's not like he murdered someone), then isn't it as conceivable to consider forgiving him immediately after the fact?

 

Again, not saying that's right, but I am saying that it's worth contemplation.

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The problem is that no one can predict the future. some think once they have cheated and gotten away with it, it becomes easier to reconcile in their mind & so thereforee do it again, over and over. No one could say for sure it would be only one time! But the one thing we know for sure is that this little girl more than likely didn't deserve this & I feel so bad for her, even though she doesnt know.

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Which is worth contemplation? Keeping it to oneself?

 

In your hypothetical situation, which is impossible - there is always a possibility of 'relapse' (and it's set quite high in this scenario), there is no such as thing as 'no chance' or 'no danger' of the wife ever finding out

 

(one cheat, man changes and turns over completely since to cheat in the first place requires a lot of varying qualities in a person for that to even be an option, and this isn't a temptation situation, he sought out the redlight district and made it happen).....

 

I'd say either choice: to leave the marriage or stay and forgive, would be equally valid.

 

I certainly wouldn't say it is the wife who "reduced it to ashes" if she chose to leave after finding out her husband had kept a betrayal secret for years and years. A person would reevaluate their entire history to find out of something like that - what conclusion they came to, and how rational they could be about it, that is THEIR CHOICE.

 

It might not be wise to leave, but she'd certainly have that right and the man was the one who brought that problem into the situation to begin with.

 

I just think it is incredible selfish, arrogant - to go betray someone and then presume to be the one who has the right to try and mold and choose what information a person can know (important information to their own life) based on their own desire to have a relationship with this person.

 

I think, in an ideal world, that person would be held accountable right on the spot.

 

Since the world isn't ideal and people pull the wool over each others eyes all the time in order to get what they want, it's often up to individuals and their own moral compass to decide to step up and share or not.

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.

 

- I just felt like everything was going the wrong way.

 

I was angry, with her, with me, with our relationship which I deemed to be so insufficient.

 

And now everything seemed so simple: The physical attention I was looking for...all I had to do is pay for it...

 

And I fell for it. I cannot explain why. Curiosity, anger, the sheer excitement of doing something "forbidden"... I wanted, I needed to sleep with her, there and then. And I did.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

D.G: I can't believe that I'm going to suggest this, especially since this is the 2 week "anniversary" of finding out that my Love has been cheating on me for 13 months.

 

But, what I'm going to say is: Get checked out for ALL S.T.D.'s and wait to tell her, if at all.

 

Why? First, you need the most crucial information, which is if you are infected.

 

Then, you need to really read the highlighted areas of my post. I'll sum it up: "I was angry with her. I wanted, I needed, I did it."

 

You will NEVER be able to say that you'll never be 1) angry, 2) lonely 3) upset or 4) feeling insufficient for the remainder of your life, whether with this woman or another. So, if these are the excuses you used to justify being with a prostitute, you need to dig deep inside and ask yourself, "If the same feelings came up again, would you do the same thing?" That will answer a lot of your questions.

 

If you can honestly say "NO!", I would never resort to that behavior again, no matter what the circumstances!", then I would NOT tell her. Why? For the rest of the time you spend together, she will never, EVER trust you again when things get difficult. You've already proven that you whimped out when the first tough time came by you. Looking further in the future, she will NEVER be able to trust ANY man again (not 100%) when you explain to her the reason why you failed, which even YOU admit was lame.

 

Then, I'd seek counsoling for yourself. Since the two of you are still living apart, it should be easy for you to get into therapy. Work out a better stategy for dealing with anger and stress.

 

And let your guilt be your touchstone in the future. I did something 12 years ago involving only myself that to this day, I cringe that I did. I like that guilt. I like that disgust with myself. Being busted for my deed turned my life around and I never told a soul.

 

That's it. You've received a lot of good and different advise about your dilemma. I hope that some of it helps you but peace is only obtainable from your end.

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I thank all of you so much for your input and insight that you gave me. It most certainly hurts to read some of this, and I guess I needed you to tell me and show me how much bad I have created with my actions.

 

I still am lying awake and pondering. It will - for sure - not happen again. That I can say. They way I am feeling now, and even worse, the pictures in my head of how she will feel and react when I break this to her, so shake me, get to my heart, my soul... Indeed, as Squirrel pointed out, it is the guilt that drives me insane. When she was sleeping next to me last night, every breath she took sounded like an accusation. With every inch she moved closer to me, I felt choked a little more... Never ever do I want to feel like this again for anything else. Deep in my heart I wish I could go back in time and keep me from doing what I did.

 

I know the excuses I gave are lame. They are not even excuses. More a background, what was going on in me when I did it. Because there cannot ever be an excuse for an act like this. This I know.

 

It seems with a single mistake I indeed wasted all I ever longed to have. Even if I told her, and she would leave me in result, I do not know whether I could live with that. But I guess that is not the question. The question is whether she wants to...

 

If I tell her, she will be gone. I will not only lose a person I do love, but also the best friend that I have. Not being able to come clean to a friend does not make it better.

 

If I do not tell, she may stay. But I generally cannot lie or keep secrets very well. I almost tripped when talking to her today.

 

And that is what still does not let me sleep. The guilt. Knowing that I have created a mess beyond my control. Knowing that no matter which way I go, at some point I will have to pay. I have made some bad mistakes in the past, even in relationships, albeit not with her. I had the impression that with time, mistakes become les important and less of a burden on your mind. However, this is just too big...

 

In a way I think it still shows that she means a lot to me. If she did not, why would I worry?

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I guess both. I really do care about her. She means an awful lot to me. I have asked her more than once to move in with me, and she is currently considering to do so. She is my longest relationship so far and she does mean a world to me.

 

And yes, I certainly do not want to be hurt by being left. I am not even sure whether she would yell at me. I guess she would just leave, not even saying a word. What really would hurt me the most is the thought how she will feel given the situation. I am scared it would tear her apart.

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