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Secret Text Affair


Shakedown

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So I have a boyfriend that I've been with for about 7 months now. Recently my ex and I have been in contact via text messages only but its been going on for a few weeks and it has become evident that we are both still attracted to each other. He does have a girlfriend as well, and we discussed seeing each other, but we decided we shouldn't see each other because it would be too difficult to not...well want to get all over each other. So we keep saying that we need to be respectful of the fact we each have significant others but its starting to seem even worse to be so consumed by this secret text affair even if we haven't physically done anything. Its been going on for nearly 3 weeks now. I'm currently in a graduate program and i'm extremely busy, so i've been kind of avoiding my boyfriend since this began... but I'm wondering if I really am happy with my relationship if I'm thinking about him so much. And over all... is he happy where he is if we continue to have feelings for each other? I don't want to break up with one for the other, and I don't want to hurt anyone but i almost feel like its impossible at this point.... what should i do??

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You are emotionally cheating on your boyfriend and you either need to stop the texts or break up with your boyfriend.

 

Spot on!

 

Please stop this. If your bf found out, there's a good chance he'd be really hurt and that he would feel betrayed. And think of the other girl. You two are not the only ones whom this texting affair affects and you both need to start thinking about that more.

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Hmm, but cheaters don't normally break up with a current partner.....on the 'offchance' a relationship with someone else is going to transpire....

 

They selfishly keep them around and prefer to go behind their backs, while 'testing the waters' elsewhere...

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your a cheater

 

I think we can give advice without name calling, that is not constructive in any way and people got busted the last time one of these threads came up.

 

I see your point, but think that calling OP a cheater is accurate and fair. Maybe seeing it written down will help her really confront it and change what she is doing. At least that would be my hope. I do think it's constructive because sometimes seeing what is really going on in plain language allows someone to really confront what they are doing, take charge, and put a stop to it. It also gives the OP a sense of the seriousness of this and how it could have a severe affect on her relationship.

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We are addressing behavoir, not the person.

 

To me that's purely semantics. In my mind, a person who cheats = a cheater. I'm not indicting the person's entire moral character. Just calling a duck a duck and hoping that that will ring an alarm in the OP's mind that this is something to be taken very seriously and something that she does not want to be. But I'll agree to disagree with you on this one.

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Mine I am taking it....

 

I don't recall blurting out "You are a cheater"....which would have been an attack on the OP.

 

I made a reference to how some cheaters behave, tis all.

 

It wasn't your post...it was Redhearts' post that sparked this discussion.

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The debate is whether cheating emotionally with an ex via text messaging makes a person a cheater. I think so, at least to some degree. "Name calling" insinuates a malicious intent, and I don't think Redhearts was going that far.

The OP probably knows what she needs to do. It's the classic "two lovers" case, essentially. Luckily you haven't crossed that physical line, but you need to decide to be with your bf or be with your ex-bf. Having it both ways isn't fair to anyone.

 

Also, you can't really be friends with your ex in good confidence knowing you two want at each other. It has to be all or nothing if you have your current bf's best interests at heart.

 

Do what you need to do to make yourself happy, but think about other people's feelings too.

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I not saying I agree with the behavoir at all, I am saying we can do it without name calling. I know it is a very touchy subject with many people, keeping objectivity helps and not adding our bad feelings about what happened to us, that gives a very skewed and vitreolic perspective.

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I not saying I agree with the behavoir at all, I am saying we can do it without name calling.

 

I don't view it as name-calling. I don't think there is a consensus that that's what it is. Calling someone a jerk...name-calling. Calling someone a cheater...maybe just stating a fact. I don't think being a cheater makes a person a horrible person. I think often times it's something that needs to be explored and understood within the context of a relationship to see what is causing the person to become a cheater. I don't see it as an insult or name-calling to call someone who is cheating a cheater.

 

I can see we have different views on this and I respect yours. I just don't agree.

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I know it is a very touchy subject with many people, keeping objectivity helps and not adding our bad feelings about what happened to us, that gives a very skewed and vitreolic perspective.

 

Well, in my case, and of course I don't know about anyone else here, I've never been cheated on (as far as I know) so that has no impact on my view.

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