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Saucy friend wants to have dinner with me and my fiancee


allypally

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I may have mentioned about a female friend of mine who is a flirt, she isn't in a relationship and is on a downer about relationships at the moment.

 

She hasn't really met my fiancee properly but said last night she wants me to invite her over for dinner in order to get to meet him. In the past she has said she wanted to go running with me and my fiancee (this is something we do together to wind down from a stressful day); primarily so as to catch up with me, but this is difficult when there are 3 people, one of which is an attractive single woman, the other (at the time) a serious bf.

 

Because of our busy schedules, we hadn't had a chance to catch up until last night. She asked who my bridesmaids were going to be (waiting for me to say that she would be one of them). However we haven't confirmed a venue or our guest lists. She asked if I was going to invite her etc.

 

She is a bit of a control freak and has been demanding why I haven't rung her, I have texted her and asked her to come and stay with my parents while I am visiting them but she has been doing other stuff. She has started a new job with long hours and so isn't sure when she is free now.

 

What to do?

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Is it possible that your boyfriend has any guy friends he could invite to dinner the same night? It might be better to mix it up a bit if you think you'll be uncomfortable with your saucy friend in your fiance's presense.

 

I once had a saucy friend myself who invited me and a new boyfriend to drive to her town to have dinner at her place. I knew for a fact she'd made moves on other friends' boyfriends and slept with them. Lucky for me my new boyfriend did not trust her and did not wish to go. So I can understand your concern about a saucy friend.

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ITG, in the past, whenever I have been in touch with her to arrange something she has never been available, she is throwing herself into her work because of lacking a relationship. Her new job requires long hrs.

 

Her best friend has just hooked up with a male friend of hers who my friend introduced.

 

I haven't put her off, we seem to have had clashing schedules and any day I have suggested, she can't make and visa versa.

 

She likes to do things when it suits but doesn't like to alter her routine despite the fact that she has complained about my not ringing her and she has even suggested that I don't want to be friends with her anymore!

 

As for a cosy dinner for three, and going running - don't feel too comfortable with it.

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Lost - I have friends who I don't see in months because of the way things are, being very busy etc and we just pick up from where we left off. I don't give them a hard time about it, take it personally - its relaxed. One of my friends is finishing off her PhD, I have seen her once in about 6 months. She hasn't been reliable, she hasn't stayed in regular contact whereas I have regularly contacted her despite not getting anything back.

 

With this particular friend, (who is a bit of a maneater/sex addict), she has been giving me a hard time about not seeing her and trying to make me feel guilty and questioning our friendship. She doesn't want to celebrate her birthday this year or spend Christmas with her family. All because she isn't in a relationship. She has her own beautiful house which she has done up, a well paid job now and ok, friends who are mostly in relationships.

 

She knows how busy I have a job that also requires long hours, emmigration stuff to do, another qualification, yet she can't accept that at the moment I am extremely busy. I have been getting a lot of grief from her.

 

Now she wants cosy situations with me and my fiancee - none of my other female friends have demanded this or being a bridesmaid or that I invite them to my wedding.

 

Am I reading into this??

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Seems to me that you aren't really fond of her or interested in carrying on a friendship with her.

 

And that she's catching the drift.

 

I understand that you are busy and the two of you can't match up your schedules. I have friends that are more tolerant of that as well as friends that get fussy about it.

 

Maybe she has figured out that the only way to see you is if she suggests seeing you with your fiance.

 

How many years have you two been friends?

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I had never questioned our friendship until she has started to do so.

 

As I said before, my other female friends are more easy going it seems, don't get het up if we don't see eachother for a while because we're all busy - thats life.

 

My friend has always been very busy, filling up her diary and so in the past its been difficult for me to see her. Now its the other way round and she doesn't like it and is questioning the friendship because I am not available when she wants me to be. I think also, the fact that I'm getting married is highlighting the fact that she is still single.

 

We have always got on well, but the fact that now she is questioning the friendship is like she is saying I am diliberately setting out to make sure I don't see her. I know her faults as I am sure she knows mine. But the more pressure she puts on me and the more she says this stuff the less I want to see her.

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Ally, I'm guessing that if you have known your friend for 4 years, she probably knows of your anxiety and insecurities. thereforee, she's pushing and trying to understand why you don't want her around.

 

Furthermore, I think that you should deeply look within to determine if you are truly comfortable with getting married to this man that you have difficulty belieiving wants to be with you.

 

If the girl was a close friend of mine, I'd probably have introduced the two of them already and laughed with my "fiance" about how she's truly a flirt. And been done with it.

 

Sounds like she's probably feeling lonely. She had a break up somewhat recently, a few months ago.... and you are a friend and have been completely unavailable to her unless she's willing to meet you at your parents.

 

Many of my friends would be truly mad at me if I was engaged and failed to introduce them to my "fiance."

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Based on your posts i think tihs is more an issue of sheer jealousy of her than being too busy to accommodate a dinner. I think that you are too insecure to have her come over around your b/f, almost like you don't think your b/f can keep himself from fantasizing or flirting with your pretty single friend. I get the feel that when you are not in a relatinoship you would be fine hanging with her, but while in one too jealous to do so.

 

I think you should drop the friendship if you are planning on putting zero effort into it but i caution you that if you do this and it is entirely because of jealousy your relationship is going to head into serious trouble at some point. People who are too jealous to invite an attractive single friend over often get jealous over a lot of things and the relationship suffers.

 

You have had many issues with this b/f. Either he is a real jerk or you are so insecure and mistrusting you are going to push him away. We don't know you personally - only your posts so we can't say which one it is, but it is surely one of them. This girl sounds like she is feeling pushed aside and I don't blame her. You sound like one of those friends who cut ties with pretty single g/fs when in a relationship. I think this relationship has sounded like it was headed for disaster based on your posts for quite a while now.

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If your fiance was not in your life' date=' would you visit with her?[/quote']

 

My guess here is that she would.

 

To be honest ally you sound more the control freak here than your friend. She can only see you at your parents house? Why? Perhaps those times you texted were a bad time. What is wrong with planning something in advance? Why not introduce her to your finance? your posts reek of control and jealousy ally. Be honest with yourself. She isn't that bad she is just pretty and single and you don't have a shred of trust in your b/f around attractive women.

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I think a part of me feels that because she never introduced me to any of her bfs, why should I introduce her to mine? When she was dating her ex, I didn't see her, her diary was full, she was always too busy to meet up. Now that she is single, she is complaining because I am busy - thats what I find annoying.

 

I haven't said "sorry, we can only meet up by going to my parents for the weekend". The reason I suggested it, in the end, was because we never seemed to be able to get together when we were free. When I suggested a day I was free, she couldn't make it, when she suggested a day she was free, I couldn't make it.

 

Also, I have always asked her to parties we have had, introduced her to loads of people, she has stayed for the weekend a number of times at my parents place, I have always been there for her and we used to see a lot of eachother. Then I got a job which is very demanding, starting dating someone, took up a hobby, overall, was very busy and felt knackered at the end of the day and so have seen less of her. She now has a demanding job and isn't sure how free she is going to be. I haven't been able to be there for her like I used to be.

 

One time she suggested I start taking anti-depressants like she was, because I was lacking in confidence at the time. I said I didn't want to go down that road i.e. to rely on medication to change the way I think, and she took it personally as if to suggest she wasn't good enough because she was taking them.

 

You all seem to be suggesting that I am deliberately trying to avoid her.

 

They have met in fact, at our house Christmas dinner last year.

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Although it's possible that you may have jealousy or control issues, at the end of the day sometimes we just have to make ourselves happy.

 

You can tell her that she is irritating you and you are feeling uncomfortable and pressured, and see if you can reach an understanding.

 

Or, you can gently avoid her until she stops asking.

 

Either way, you get to choose your friends, and you get to choose how you let them treat you. Heck, even in the worst case scenario, even if you WERE insecure and didn't want “pretty, single” friends, then you have every right not to have them! I mean, we can all use some work to improve our self-esteem, but in the meantime, what is the point of any friendship if you are not enjoying it, regardless of the reason? There are no friendship-Nazi’s here! No orders to “Have pretty, single friends -- or else!” lol

 

But truthfully, you don't seem insecure to me, just busy, and this particular person does seem to have odd demands. Your other friends aren’t complaining, are they? And in general, if everyone isn’t that well-acquainted, it's always nice to have four people at dinner instead of three, so the “linking” person doesn't feel obliged to constantly split their attention between the other two when conversation gets slow. Tell her to bring a date and stop trying to be a third wheel.

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ThisGirl - that is my point, none of my other female friends have put any pressure on me, nor I to them.

 

In the case of one friend I mentioned before (who is very very pretty but not a flirt), I have seen her twice in a the whole year, mainly because she is in the final year of her PhD, similarly, a lot of my female friends I don't get to see a lot of. However, they are very much still my friends and we catch up by phone or whatever - there is no pressure there. I don't understand why this particular friend is being this way and questioning our friendship. Actually, I'm finding it hurtful.

 

This particular friend is demanding why I'm not calling her, will she be one of my bridesmaids, is she going to come and stay for the weekend at my parents place, are we still friends etc etc. I wish she'd give me a break!

 

I have been under immense pressure this year for various reasons - it hasn't been an easy year.

 

I have nothing to be jealous of with regards this friend, I have a lot going for me, I'm not as thin as her and thats about it. I have suggested stopping by her place this evening to give her her birthday present and card and to have a chat but no response.

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The real point is no person should be allowed to bully their way into your life in any way you don't want.

 

You should decide what level of friendship you want with her, how much time you want to spend with her, under what circumstances etc., and if she doesn't want the same thing or won't work with you and not try to make you feel bad or guilty, then she isn't a good friend and you can cut off the friendship.

 

If she tends to be a big flirt and make you uncomfortable with that, then only see her in situations where it is a large group party with other people, or on your own when your fiance isn't around. If she doesn't like that, too bad! You don't have to let her into your life in any way if you don't want, and you shouldn't feel bad about that.

 

She also doesn't deserve special treatment above other friends just because she wants it that way. And it takes a lot of nerve to demand to be a bridesmaid or whatever. That is your wedding, your choice. So don't feel guilty about establishin healthy boundaries for her if her nature is to run amok.

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When I saw her on Monday, I noticed that she wouldn't make eye contact, she spoke non-stop about herself and her new job and she seemed to be on the defensive. When it came round to asking about me, she asked me how often I was seeing my fiancee i.e. how many times a week do we get together (which seems like a crazy question given that we are now engaged!), where and when the wedding was going to be, was it for family and close friends only. She then asked me if I was going to ask her to it. When was she next going to see my parents.

 

The truth is, she wants to be in on the wedding so that she gets to meet other single men and get dressed up. She wouldn't get to meet quality men otherwise, or at least not from what she has told me. On Monday she didn't seem happy for me, she wasn't smiling or excited, she just wanted to know about things that she was going to benefit from.

 

My flatmate asked her to our annual Christmas dinner, not that we have much room for it compared to our last place... its going to be a struggle. Not sure I want to be around for it this year. He didn't check with me first.

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The more you say, the stranger this person seems. If she is as pushy as you say and asks such off-topic questions (I never had anyone ask me how often I see my SO unless they were trying to figure out if their own relationship was normal in comparison), then it doesn't sound like you need to be around her. I can't imagine the nonsense going on in her head. Your wedding is not a speed dating event.

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Maybe I am daft but i see nothing wrong or strange about these actions. Asking a friend if they will get to go to your wedding is NOT the same as boldly demanding to be a bridesmaid. The entire conversation you relayed sounds normal as pie to me. I surely have seen no evidence of her trying to "bully her way into a friendship".

 

YOu are clearly not comfortable with her and i think you see her as competition so be clear about your lack of interest in being her friend. I don't find this to be her fault really, your posts here are so ambiguous and i have a feeling you treat her ambiguously as well so she does not have a clear understanding yet that you are not interested in being her friend.

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I kinda feel bad for the girl too....

 

And now you're considering cutting out on Christmas dinner JUST because she will be there?

 

That doesn't make sense to me one bit.... Your fiance met her once before. Are you sure he didn't say something that made you feel this insecure about her? This just isn't adding up for me.

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