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How should I tell him?


Pkittie

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Almost four weeks back I connected with a guy on Plenty of fish. I am Indian 33 yrs old. He's half Indian 36 yrs old. We met a week later for coffee. Since then we have had 5 dates already. I was seeing my closest friend until we broke up about 2 months back( we were dating for 5 months). Three weeks back my fren & I met and we ended up getting physically close. We both were crying & feeling sad and we have broken up so many times earlier too & realize that we are very attached to each other. Problem is that our expectations dont meet and his lifestyle and habits are totally different from mine so much so that I actually met his family and we agreed that we can't get hooked to each other. So my fren & I decided to stay frens & never cross the line. I even told him about this new guy. So I want to take things slow with this new guy. I am somewhat grieving over the break up plus being unemployed my job search is causing me lot of stress.

 

I refused to meet this guy after I met my fren. He kept asking why I was not willing to meet & talk. I told him I was having personal issues & needed to sort thro my mess. Finally I met him on sat. We went for a walk as usual & he hugged me goodbye& kissed me on the cheek . We decided to meet for dinner on sun & after dinner he wanted to go to the park. I said no it's cold we wud rather talk. He kept holding my hands & finally as he hugged me goodbye he gave me a quick kiss on my lips. I was frozen. I told him earlier too that I am quite conservative and casual relationships is not my scene. I need to feel emotionally close to get physically close plus right now I want to take things slow. He barely ever calls me but emails regularly despite my telling him that I prefer talking. I am not hugely attracted to him but I find him sweet and polite. I like him and there definitely could be long term potential but again should I clearly tell him everything. When we started talking I told him its been a month since things fell apart with my fren. I don't wanna keep him in the dark plus his kissing me on the lips scared me. He is already thinking long term as I gathered from his talks. He wants to meet again tomm for a walk and I'm wondering what to do...what would you advise?

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Obviously you arn't ready for a relationship yet. So, since this man is fond of e-mail rather than just talking about it. I'd send him an email.

Tell him that you feel you arn't ready for a relationship yet. You thought

you were only getting together with a "FRIEND" for coffee and for companionship. But since he holds your hand and kisses you... you feel he's overstepping your boundaries of FRIENDSHIP... and you arn't ready for that yet.

 

If you feel uncomfortable... listen to your GUT feeling.

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If you still have feelings for your friend maybe you aren't ready for another relationship. It seems that you have a lot going on in your life right now. Sometimes it is better to get back on your feet before trying to get involved with someone. It doesn't sound to me like you think he's all that special. Why are you trying to force something with this guy? Is it to get over your ex? Try to be completely honest with yourself when you think about what you want from this new guy... are you just looking to fill an empty space or do you think you've ended up with a great catch?

 

My advise to you is to tell him you aren't ready and to work on yourself and your life. Be honest with him, be firm with him. Maybe surrounding yourself with family and friends can help you through this time more than a new guy can.

 

Best Wishes!

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The new guy is a great guy & I met him through a dating web site so can't blame him. I have already broken up with my friend 6 times. For weeks on end we don't see each other then we would get all emotional and get together. We have been on this roller coaster for 3-4 months. It's only after I met his family and discussed all issues that it was evident that this relationship had no future. I have no family here and my friend who I was seeing is still my closest friend. We are always there for each other....and it was a mutual decision to move on with our lives while still being best of friends.

 

I would defnitely not wanna miss on this new guy just that i wanna take things slow & get to know him. I told him that I'm stressed and not ready for a relationship to which he said that he wanted to meet & get to know me without any expectations but he still kissed me.... Should I clearly tell him about my ex bf and everything else?

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Well... if you are still seeing your X boyfriend and it's causing you so much stress. I think you need to NOT see your X-boyfriend in any capacity for a while. Obviously you arn't ready to go back into the "FRIEND" zone with someone after being so close to them.

 

Not seeing your X-boyfriend or having contact with him, may un-complicate your life a bit and you won't be so confused and feel so conflicted.

 

And with the new guy... well, you tell him as much about yourself as you feel comfortable about telling. If it's a fresh break-up for you .. then you re-itterate that it's a fresh break and you are still processing it. And you set your boundaries with him and tell him you arn't ready for KISSING yet.

and then let him make up his mind if he wants to give you the time and space to recover. Don't just let him cross a boundary because you think you might be missing out on a good thing. yeee gads. You'll just hate yourself in the morning for it.

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I agree with the above poster - you can not go from having feelings (which are obviously deeply rooted) to being just friends. You have to distance yourself from your ex. Otherwise the roller coaster will never stop.

 

As for the new guy, if you feel you have clearly comminucated to him that you want to take it slow and start off as friends and he is not respecting your boundaries, you may have to "miss out." That says to me he isn't that great of a guy afterall. As I said before, don't force anything. Nothing good will come of that, trust me. If this guy really likes you and is truly a good guy, he will give you the space and time you need. Otherwise he is not worth it.

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