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Feeling Helpless- What Should I do ?


Angie04461

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PLEASE HELP ! I sought help in this forum because am desperate need of some advice. My husband has one girl friend that I don’t like.

She treats me like I am unwanted anytime I’m around- she’s acts like she’s his wife and I’m some weirdo interrupting their time together. She openly and heavily flirts with him even when I’m around- She gives him googly eyes.

He’s recently sought her out on facebook and they have been chatting.

Thing is, she’s got a fiancée, but never talks about him. Everytime she hangs out with my husband it’s alone. Her fiancée is never there and the couple times I’ve tired to give her a chance, she treats me with little to no respect and acts like I shouldn’t be there.

From what I hear from others who know her, she’s not the most sane person out there. People think she’s a loose cannon.

I have told my husband how uncomfortable this friendship makes me, not because she’s a female, but because she is so obviously interested in more and does not seem to respect me or our relationship at all.

I would never be friends with a man who didn’t respect my marriage.

My rule of thumb is- It’s not just friendship if it interferes in your marriage. And I wouldn’t expect to be best friends with all his friends, but I also don’t expect to be treated like dirt when I’m out with my OWN husband !

It hurts that my husband doesn’t seem to be taking my feelings about her into consideration.

Any time I’ve had a male friend he doesn’t like, I’ve had to give them up- but it seems he’s not willing to do the same.

I don’t see why he’s even friends with her- She not very nice, not very bright, rude, inconsiderate, etc.

Another thing, my husband doesn’t ask his other female friends out for drinks alone. And none of them plaster themselves all over him either.

I’m trying not to freak myself out but what I am to think ? What should I do ? I trust my husband, but I don’t trust her and I fear that she is going to throw herself at him if she hasn’t already.

If anything happens between them I'm going to kill myself.

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Hi there

 

This is totally unacceptable behavior!

 

What did your husband say when you told him how you feel about this 'friendship'?

 

Thank you both.

 

He seems to have this strange unswerving devotion to her for no apparent reason. When I tell him what other people say about her, he defends her.

 

And when I tell him how much this friendship upsets me- He just says I'm crazy jealous and If I don't trust him that's my own problem.

 

But once when I had a close male friend who was just my friend who liked, respected and was friends with my husband too- my husband got mad & just went off the handle one day for no reason and called him my boyfriend and I had to end the friendship.

 

But this woman, who actually is doing things in my prescence to indicate she's interested, he acts like I shouldn't be concerned.

Even though when I have seen her, she stares at him, ignores me when I speak, acts like they should be alone, etc. And why is he inviting her out for a drink alone when I'm not "allowed" to go drinking with my guys friends if my husband's not there ?

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Are you the most important person in his life or is she? If it is you then he needs to start treating you like it. This is a total lack of respect from your husband and his "friend". Your husband is allowing this and he is the one that needs to set better boundaries for his friendships.

Before you talk to him you need to open your eyes all the way and look around a bit. Is this what you want your relationship to be like? If not you need to do something about it right away. Get your husband to see how this hurts you and it is hurting your marriage. We can be dense so it might take some doing for him to see that you are serious. Don't play games or make anything up that isn't absolutely true. Be clear and honest with him but don't make ultimatums. He needs to decide not to hang out with her for all the right reasons, not because you won't let him. If he chooses wrong you will see what he thinks of you and your marriage. Good luck

 

lost

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it sounds like you already know what you need to do... but your afraid to do it...

 

WHY?

 

you need to lay down the law if you dont trust him with her... and don't say the crap about "i trust him but i don't trust her"...

 

You also need to figure out what he's getting from her that he's not getting from you.

 

ultimately you need to make a decision, people don't change unless they want to change and you can only control yourself, your actions, and your feelings.

 

You need to decide if this is something that your willing to walk away from if it doesn't change, if it is then you need to confront him and tell him he need to make clear cut changes (if not completely cutting this friend out) if he want's the marriage to continue.

 

If your not willing to walk away then you need to accept it because false threats will only lead to a worse situation (as he will know that your bluffing)

 

good luck and keep us posted.

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I have never said anything like- He can't hang out with her.

Just that the friendship makes me uncomfortable not because of conjecture, presumptions, or lies- but her actions. That I have seen repeititively.

I'm sorry but I don't want to tolerate some women rubbing my husband's back slowly when I'm sitting right there.

Why would you do that with someone spouse right there ?

I don't get it !

 

For some reason when I just point out what actually happened and her actual behavior (rubbing on him, ignoring me, pushing me out of the way, batting her eyes at him)- He just says "No, she didn't." But - She DID ! I saw her Do them ! This isn't me being paranoid here.

 

I just don't know what to do- They are planning on meeting up a lot in the next few months when I'm out of town for work.

I feel like I am going to be on pins and needles the whole time.

 

I don't understand why he sees no problem with this friendship and that worries me. I have tried to bring this up calmly and tactfully, but he gets defensive and starts yelling at me- and for some God-knows-why reason just defends her to the hills.

 

If there anything I can or should do- I don't feel like talking to him is doing anything- I don't want to accuse or forbid anything but I am so overcome with worry, sadness and anger.

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I think you should make it clear to him that you are not paranoid just because he is hanging out with a girl, because that will probably be his assumption, but that it is this particular girl that is disrespectful towards you. None of his other female friends make you feel this way, so it's not just you hating him having female friends - so he can't just say you're crazy jealous, your feelings are based on her actions.

 

From what you've said it does beg the question what is it that he likes about her?

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I think you should make it clear to him that you are not paranoid just because he is hanging out with a girl, because that will probably be his assumption, but that it is this particular girl that is disrespectful towards you. None of his other female friends make you feel this way, so it's not just you hating him having female friends - so he can't just say you're crazy jealous, your feelings are based on her actions.

 

From what you've said it does beg the question what is it that he likes about her?[/QUOTE]

 

That's what I don't understand. I have never seen her do anything for him.

She acts like she was going to do him favors at times, but never has.

She's never really supported him as far as I know.

I have never seen her go out of her way to be nice to him outside of when they hang out. She forgot his birthday. The few times he has called her to talk, she says she's busy and hangs up. But she expects him to be there for her, buy Avon from her, etc.

They hang out sometimes and when they do, she acts like she's in love with him. She now purposefully tries to plan nights with him when I'm working or she knows I can't make it.

But I truly don't get it- He has lots of female friends that I love, who are SO MUCH nicer to him than she is. And more supportive and most importantly-

Who respect our marriage.

 

I hate to think he is interested in her for other reasons but what other conclusion can I draw when I see zero benefits from this friendship ?

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He probably likes the attention he is getting from her, especially if she flirts with him.

The more you tell him how you feel, the more defensive he gets.

I am not sure what is really going on with your husband. He seems to value the way she makes him feel about himself, not who she is as a person.

What she is doing is extremely inappropriate, but until your husband tells her to stop, she will continue to do it, and it does not look like he will tell her to stop, ever.

You can tell him that you are uncomfortable with the situation, but he will continue to do whatever he wants, so I am not sure how you can make him change how he views this "friendship".

It must be a very difficult situation for you, as you have to leave town.

I wonder if there is any way that you can point out the things she is doing, as she is doing them, not later on. If she starts to rub him, can you ask her why she thinks that this is acceptable? It may anger your husband, but it may shed some light on the situation.

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Um, wow. I sorry that your husband has such a disrespectful attitude towards you regarding this woman. I cannot see how this is in anyway good for your marriage. If it were my husband and they were planning "dates" on nights that I was going to be out of town, or i was just plain not invited. That would be a big Hell NO! How rude is that? I can only speak for myself, but if it were me, she goes or I go....and if he even had to think about it for a millisecond..I would go b/c something is just not right with that friendship. It is way out of bounds.

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What she is doing is extremely inappropriate, but until your husband tells her to stop, she will continue to do it, and it does not look like he will tell her to stop, ever.

You can tell him that you are uncomfortable with the situation, but he will continue to do whatever he wants, so I am not sure how you can make him change how he views this "friendship".

QUOTE]

 

 

This is what worries me. I don't know that this will EVER change.

 

I would like to call her out on it sometimes, but I think now she is purposefully trying to make sure they're always alone.

Part of me wonders what her fiancee thinks about all this.

 

I feel like all I am doing is waiting for her to throw herself at him and pray he resists. It's a tough position to be in.

 

I just don't know what else I can do ??? Any thoughts ?

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Perhaps you should go to see a marriage counselor. You need an objective third party to validate your feelings because your husband does not seem to be taking anything you say seriously when it comes to this woman.

How long has thins been going on? Is it escalating? What else is going on between the two of you that may make him feel like he needs more attention? Do you go away on work trips often? Does he feel lonely? You should try to discuss with him what he is missing and what he wants....

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Your husband is disrespecting you and he knows it. He is enjoying the attention of this other woman and enjoying your discomfort. Your actual problem is with your husband...the other woman is doing all these things because he allows it AND he encourages it. Clearly talking to your husband about how this makes you FEEL is not doing any good because he clearly couldn't care less how you feel...he is actually enjoying the power trip and ego boost and he is not interested in changing that. I would suggest you seek it out a lawyer and start finding out information about financial issues and how to start a separation and divorce so that you are protected. Then, once you have all of your information, sit down and talk to your husband and if he is still not interested in listening then it is time to reconsider this marriage. If he has not already physically cheated on you he is most likely planning to.

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I'm sorry that you're in this situation, and even though they're both in the wrong, your anger should be directed more towards your husband.

 

He's the one that's married, and needs to realize that he has a wife whom he is disrespecting.

 

It's fine to have friends when you're married, as long as they are comfortable with both partners.

 

Since you're his wife, he should be putting you, and your feelings first.

 

I would tell him that if he wants to remain married to you, that this behaviour has to stop, NOW!

 

Wishing you the best...

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I agree with Crazyaboutdogs above. Your husband could care less for you. It seems your husband gets pissed or even angry if/when you even question this. He is bullying you into LETTING him cheat right in front of your eyes! What a complete b*****d! I can't believe women chose to be with these kinds of men. You deserve better. Why would anyone put up with this?! Let her have him. He's not good enough for you.

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He is bullying you into LETTING him cheat right in front of your eyes! What a complete b*****d! I can't believe women chose to be with these kinds of men. You deserve better. Why would anyone put up with this?! Let her have him. He's not good enough for you.

 

 

i agree...

 

two quick things:

 

1. This female is NOT the problem. That's right she is not the problem. She is only a symptom. if you want this relationship to continue you need couples counseling. if your relationship was anywhere near where it needs to be than it wouldn't even be a question. if he wont go to counseling then you need to go by yourself - marriage isn't about one person being happy and the other one sulking... it's about you two working together.

 

2. YOU ARE LETTING THIS HAPPEN. By you standing by, telling him something and not following through, it's as good as saying it's ok with you.

 

What happened when you stopped hanging out with a friend that he didn't like? Why did you do it? what's different about this situation? Why are you willing to change and he's not? the answer is most likely because he either doesn't care enough about you, he thinks the grass is greener, he doesn't want to be there, he doesn't believe you'll hold true to what you say.

 

 

in any sense, do you really want to stay with someone who can't communicate with you, you can't trust, and he doesn't respect you? and on top of all this is unwilling to change... counseling or leave him. =;

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Hi Angie - i am very sorry to read whats happening in your life. Thats just something that I cant imagine doing to my gf....

 

What you need to do is, as someone else said, organise couples counselling. That will def help out, as you both get to be open and honest about whats going on with a counsellor there to help you guys out.

 

What your husband's doing is not right at all - he should have the guts to sit down with you and talk to you about what hes feeling and not just go around playing with some other woman. It seems that you have already let him know how you feel - so now its just up to him - but if hes not going to do anything, then get couples counselling.

 

Hope everything works out well for you.....

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  • 2 weeks later...

wow also agree with crazy dogs..Your husband is not respecting the boundaries of your marriage to allow this to happen..and it seems you are to embarrassed to confront her openly while with your husband because HE SUPPORTS her behaviour and your afraid he will humiliate you by defending her..I wouldnt tolerate this AT ALL. And i would take the opportunity to embarrass the crap out of her the next time you are all together. TELL her how off and totally disrespectful her behaviour is. ASK her why she feels the need to flirt openly with your husband and what is really lacking in her life. and that you are sick to death of it.. bring it to a head..If your husbands heart is in the right place he will jump to your side.. your husband needs to put his marriage ahead of having his ego inflated by this woman. Friendships have boundaries the same as marriages do..take control and establish these boundaries verbally yourself.. I would bet your husband would not expect you to be confrontational and has taken full advantage. Shock the pants off both of them...Good luck.

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