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I'm scared but here it goes...


miss_confused99

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Please don't judge me too harshly...

 

I've been very self-destructive as long as I can remember. My self injuring has taken many forms. When I was very little I used to scratch and bite myself. When I was in elementary school I used to do things that I knew were dangerous in the hopes that I would get hurt. No one could be angry at me if it was an accident, or so I thought. In junior high I started cutting and sometimes I'd burn myself with a lighter. The cutting continued into my 20s. I drank every day until my early 20s. I tried every drug known to man. I slept around with men and women that I knew would physically and sexually abuse me.

 

I've been in therapy off and on since childhood but I've never been completely honest about anything. I started seeing a new therapist a couple of weeks ago and I actually trust her and I'm thinking about telling her everything. I'm scared though. She knows that I was abused as a child but she doesn't know the extent of it yet. And she has no idea about my being self-destructive. The thing that scares me is that if I talk about these things, then I have to admit that the cutting hasn't really stopped. I haven't hurt myself in a couple of weeks, but I struggle with it all the time. Every time I feel like I've done something wrong or feel sad or feel upset, I get the urge to cut. I don't want to end up in the psych ward because I told someone.

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Hi there!

 

Welcome to our lovely self-injury community!

 

And thanks for posting all that, that was brave!

 

Maybe you could print off your thread and show it to your therapist? you like her right?

And its ok that it hasn't really stopped.

Heck its hard to stop! we all know that.

 

A therapist is trained though.. she can help you to stop. work it through with you. and you don't know her outsides of therapy, so that is exactly what she is there for. you are in control at therapy.

 

Maybe you could think about why you are self-destructive?

do you hate yourself?and why hun?

is this a cycle of abuse that you're carrying on? how do you feel about your parents?

 

Sometimes when we learn a message as a child, those lessons prove the hardest to break. If a child is abused they learn that they're wrong, worthless, and deserve punishment. cutting/self-destructive behaviour is a coping mechanism in later life...

thats why its so hard to stop.. because it is helping something. They all are, drinking, sex, cutting,

they all help us to deal with pain we don't want to experience emotionally. cutting makes it more real, shows where the pain is, removes the complex thoughts, gives the punishment you think you deserve,..

 

You're doing great here hun,

keep talking,...?

 

How are you?

 

girl friend

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It is the hardest thing to do to open up to someone and let them in on what is going on in your dark secrets. But this therapist is here to help you. To help you learn to feel good about yourself again and in turn not want to self injure anymore.

 

I used to cut also. It is a hard thing to quit doing to yourself, even harder to try to quit by yourself.

 

As long as you aren't threatening your life I don't believe you will be put in a mental hospital. Let the therapist know what you just said here, that you haven't harmed in 2 weeks but you need help fighting the urges.

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Thank you all for your encouragement. It's nice to know I'm not alone. And now I'm going to answer some of girlfriend's questions...

 

 

 

Does anyone have any good suggestions on things you can do when you feel like cutting to keep yourself busy? I've tried alot of different things and nothing seems to take my mind off of it completely.

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if you're in the U.S., they cannot force you into a psych ward unless you are a real (generally life and death) threat to yourself or someone. a counselor wouldn't even think of putting you in the hospital because you cut. not that cutting is good, but they realize that hospitalizations only prevent suicides, they really do not stop cutting long term. your counselor is going to want to work with you on the cutting, but she won't force you into the hospital. most hospitals won't even take you just for cutting, cause there's no room. she may suggest you go on medicine, but you have the right to refuse that. even when i was underage, my counselor didn't tell anyone about the cutting.

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Thank you all for your encouragement. It's nice to know I'm not alone. And now I'm going to answer some of girlfriend's questions...

 

Does anyone have any good suggestions on things you can do when you feel like cutting to keep yourself busy? I've tried alot of different things and nothing seems to take my mind off of it completely.

 

 

This list might help a bit hun

 

As for the therapist, i would urge you to print this off and show it to her.. then you can go in and without getting nervous just say "this is whats wrong, this is what i want help fixing.."

 

This may come as a surprise to you, but self-injury following abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, and parental abuse, is soooo soooo normal. There are others too.

 

It seems that when there are things a person can't deal with.. such as abuse from a caregiver, they continue the cycle of abuse onto themselves..

 

it does sound like you have unresolved issues about abuse to me... tell your therapist.. lets get that worked through, those 1000 pages.. work through it, feel those emotions, and then bury it to rest so it can't ruin the rest of your life too..

 

good luck x

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