She came back.... now what?

[afrodave]

So I've posted on here and been struggling for the last year. The brief: My fiance broke up with me a year ago. Now suddenly after much prayer, waiting, and growing she called at 4 a.m. and said "I want to try again." Amazing news, I've been super excited.

 

After a year: she's slightly different. Same soul, new friends, new job, new actions. She has all these "guy friends" that she works with. I have issues trusting her since a year ago she betrayed me. I don't want to push her away with the "over jealous boyfriend" stuff, but it's hard since things ended the way they did. I don't want to let what happened before happen again. How do I know that she is serious?

[Dani0613]

So I've posted on here and been struggling for the last year. The brief: My fiance broke up with me a year ago. Now suddenly after much prayer, waiting, and growing she called at 4 a.m. and said "I want to try again." Amazing news, I've been super excited.

 

After a year: she's slightly different. Same soul, new friends, new job, new actions. She has all these "guy friends" that she works with. I have issues trusting her since a year ago she betrayed me. I don't want to push her away with the "over jealous boyfriend" stuff, but it's hard since things ended the way they did. I don't want to let what happened before happen again. How do I know that she is serious?

 

Did you have contact with her during this year apart?? What happened with your relationship prior to the break up? What did she do?

[afrodave]

We have a son together and she lives accross the street so yes I contacted her in that year. I kept it low contact and tried to be as positive and friendly as I could.

 

Leading up to our breakup: we were engaged and living together and I found out that she had feelings for this guy that she had been talking to on the phone late at night while I was sleeping, having him over to hang out, going out to lunch, etc. Just a guy friend, I trusted her with. Low and behold she told me she had feelings for him, plus we were arguing a lot about her family and my family so she decided to break things off. To be fair, I wasn't 100% faithful either, 2 years before that a month after we had started dating I received a "sexual favor" from a girl at a party which I didn't tell her about until 2 years later when she told me about her feelings for this other guy.

[that.girl]

So I've posted on here and been struggling for the last year. The brief: My fiance broke up with me a year ago. Now suddenly after much prayer, waiting, and growing she called at 4 a.m. and said "I want to try again." Amazing news, I've been super excited.

 

After a year: she's slightly different. Same soul, new friends, new job, new actions. She has all these "guy friends" that she works with. I have issues trusting her since a year ago she betrayed me. I don't want to push her away with the "over jealous boyfriend" stuff, but it's hard since things ended the way they did. I don't want to let what happened before happen again. How do I know that she is serious?

 

So she cheated on you once, and of course the saying goes "once bitten, twice shy" So I can see where you are coming from. You two should have a serious conversation. (as much as I loathe them myself) about how you are feeling about the situation and how she feels, etc. etc. She needs to know how you feel, and she should understand where your coming from. Don't confront her or berate her, just talk in calm/normal tones about your feelings. As for her guy friends, one of my best friends is my ex-bf and my current boyfriend was a little put off about it at first. I let him meet him, and everything was fine after a while. Just remember that communication is VERY important in any relationship and especially this situation!

 

Seems we posted at the same time, so I didnt get the full story. Ok so you BOTH need to talk about BOTH your feelings. Surely she feels a little gunshy as well...

[Dani0613]

Whelp, 2 wrongs definitely dont make a right and you've both been at fault. I think the two of you should sit down and talk; communication is key. IF the relationship is something you BOTH want to give a go at, then start with a blank slate. No sense in rehashing the past. I'm sure you've both had enough time to forgive each other. If there is true love there, pursue it....Aside from that, you have a child together and even more of a reason to give it a shot!

[afrodave]

I agree "Tabula rasa" right? But how can you start with a blank slate when we've both been hurt by each other? And I know she is a flirty type of girl. Maybe things will get better once I meet her friends. But it doesn't help when she tells me about how she flirts with them and now she thinks one of them is incredibly gorgeous. To hear her say that makes me uncomfortable with how she feels, and she works with these guys almost every night while I'm at home with our son wondering if the same thing is happening. Am I being paranoid?

 

Plus her and I have hung out a lot the last few months while she had a boyfriend and then she broke up with him and now she's with me so... I don't know what to do.

[Dani0613]

I agree "Tabula rasa" right? But how can you start with a blank slate when we've both been hurt by each other? And I know she is a flirty type of girl. Maybe things will get better once I meet her friends. But it doesn't help when she tells me about how she flirts with them and now she thinks one of them is incredibly gorgeous. To hear her say that makes me uncomfortable with how she feels, and she works with these guys almost every night while I'm at home with our son wondering if the same thing is happening. Am I being paranoid?

 

Plus her and I have hung out a lot the last few months while she had a boyfriend and then she broke up with him and now she's with me so... I don't know what to do.

 

In order to start with a 'blank slate' both would have to forgive and agree to 'start over'. As far as your insecurities with her friends, that's specific to you; but I can understand given her infidelities. I'm not comfortable with her hanging out with you often, while she has a boyfriend. She sounds fickled to me...

[Sparkie]

Hey dude,

 

I understand where you are coming from with the trust thing. i have/ had the same problem but for different reasons. maybe the solution is the same though.

 

My ex didn't cheat, but she used to have lunch / or coffee with a male coworker everyday, away from the office. She'd tell him all about our woes, and he was smart enough to 'listen and not judge', so worming his way in. He's married, and lies to his wife about this, and about where he is when he goes out alone at the weekend.

 

I used to go nuts. Even now, I get that pit in my stomach sometimes.

 

My solution: don't worry about it. Simple as that. She never lied or hid it from me. She never gave me reason to doubt her word. She asked me to meet him so I'd be cool with it. I refused. I said I didn't like the way he operated, so had no need to be his friend. But I was happy if she felt she need that friendship, and that she didn't need my 'permission'. And then I got on with being a better partner so she had less need to run to him and vent. Because everytime I questioned her or doubted her, I was questioning her integrity. And no one likes that; a fight is guaranteed. She almost never sees him now.

 

If you tell your ex you trust her, then you have to. In the absense of any 'evidence' you need to take what she says at face value. And if she is genuine, you will have a good relationship. But, if you do not trust her; whether she is genuine or not, you will have a bad relationship. And if you get burned, well, chalk it up to a life experience.