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How can I convince my oldest son to help his siblings?


Kasar

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I have three kids, two sons and one daughter. My oldest son who is 32 runs a couple business, own three houses, two business properties, and coach kick boxers and few professional fighters.

He has always been the type who keeps his eyes on the economy, current event, and everything. He have always been very paranoid type, he have been hoarding on precious metals and diamond, investing, and spread moneys in couple different countries ever since he started his business. Ever since around 2004, he have been freaking out about the economy and telling everyone to start keep their eyes on the economy. But we didn’t take him seriously.

My daughter who is 27 and her husband bought a house three years ago and just opened a construction business about two years ago, they are going through a incredible tough time right now. I’ve never saw my daughter so badly stressed out and upset. They’re seriously considering closing the business down and walk away from the house. On top of all this, they have two children.

My youngest son is 24, just graduated from college but is still living with me and my husband because he was unable to afford to live on his own with the high gas price and trying to find a job. It just got worse for him, his car broke down and he doesn’t have the moneys to afford to repair it. He also desperately wants to purchase a house while the price is low.

My husband got laid off from his job three weeks ago and is still trying to find a job. So we’re very tight on moneys and living off my income and our saving.

We have tried to ask my oldest son for help. He told my daughter that since she and her husband was spending moneys like water and buying bunches of junks then a year after they opened the business, they take a expensive trip to Europe. So he’s not going to help them out unless my daughter sell her car that she adore, close down their business, and her husband to pawn their expensive brand new entertainment system.

He told my youngest son that he’s not going to help with car since it will just cost more moneys in long run, he’ll buy my son a bicycle. As for the house, my oldest son say if my youngest son would have saved his moneys instead of buying a car, throw moneys away all way through college, and listened to his advice, he’d be able to have a house by now.

Normally I and my husband would help our children, but we’re in no position to. We’re shocked by how cold my oldest son is. He has nearly or even around a million of dollars in assets or cash. He could spare just some moneys for his brother and sister and not even feel it a bit and make a big difference for them. But he refused.

I’ve tried to explain that my daughter and her husband have a very tough time with starting business because they have two kids so they want to reward themselves for making it last a year. Especially since my oldest son have been all around the world and talk about it all of the time. They wanted to see what it is like and if what he say is true. My oldest son just say that it is their problem since they never listen to him when he warned them about things or suggest a advice.

He could easily help my youngest son and my youngest son will pay him back. My oldest son knows it. My oldest son may not mind walking or riding bike everywhere, but he’s incredible athletic, even for his age. So it’s unfair for him to use that as a measure stick. My youngest son may make some bad decision in college, but that is normal part of college. My oldest son doesn’t know what it’s like to be in college. He attend a community college and dropped out after a year to pursue a career in kickboxing before he start all businesses.

My oldest son also repeatedly tells us that if we’d have listen to him long time ago, we’d not be in the spot we are now. I’m so offended by this. I don’t like how he expected us all to go through all hassle to do what he did.

I just wish he’d have some heart and help out. I don’t understand his issue with all of this.

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I can understand his position. When you see someone you care about fall into a ditch, you're going to help them out. But when you tell them ahead of time there's a ditch up ahead, but they just keep on plowing and fall in it after warning, it's hard to be sympathetic.

 

It's not about the money. There are friends I'd help out financially if they needed it and friends that I wouldn't. It really depends if I believe they'd make responsible choices.

 

From your oldest son's perspective, he paved out a tough path and walked it. He believes if he can do it, then anyone can do it. And honestly, I tend to agree. You said he's very athletic... and he didn't get that way without putting in the effort. I think he's right to believe his younger brother can tough it out as well. Hardship forges confidence and a tougher person.

 

I think to sum it up, he believes you're in these situations because you're not giving it everything you have. And he's probably right. So instead of asking for help, sell whatever you need to sell, work whatever you need to work at, and make as much work as you can with your own two hands. If he sees you doing this, then you'll probably earn his respect and he'd be willing to help. Of course at that point, you likely won't need help.

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Personally, I agree with your oldest son. I do not mind helping people out that are just victims of bad luck, etc. However, when someone is refusing to sell nice cars, expensive entertainment centers, and other luxury items and approaches me for money I will say no 100% of the time.

 

It's one thing to help someone out in a time of need; it's a completely different manner to expect your oldest son to fund their current lifestyle when they obviously need to scale their spending back. Nice cars and what not need to take a back seat to lower costs and better mileage, etc. when problems like this occur.

 

He probably resents the fact that no one listened to his warnings and now everyone wants to cash in on his intuition and financial wit. If I warned people of this and they brushed me off only to spend cash on fancy vacations and electronics, I wouldn't help them if they came to me asking for money to fund all that stuff either.

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I can see both points of view. Many people who have become very wealthy have not necessarily done it just from hard work..they were given a lot of breaks along the way and in some cases did not care who they stepped on in their businesses in order to get to the top. The often became wealthy on the backs of others...bet it the grunt workers who work for a mere pittance in their companies or wheeling and dealing and knowing how to fiddle with the books so that they are more sheltered from taxes than the struggling middle classes. It is often the wealthy people who make money as the stock market plummets because they are the ones selling off their major shares and raking in the money while the ones struggling to make ends meet are financially hurt. So if your oldest son is that wealthy, I doubt that he came by it by simply being careful with money...moneyed people always manage to make even more and more money and the more they have, the more they want. He is hardly one to talk about extravagant spending if he owns three houses...what in the world does a person need three houses for. Sure he has the money, but really, he sounds materialistic. He has a lot of money and like many wealthy people, can't seem to understand the day to day struggles of those who earn an average living. It is tough to say whether or not your his siblings spent extravagantly or simply bought what they needed to buy in order to live comfortably. A house...well, they are raising a family so they needed a house...entertainment system...well not quite sure they needed something expensive but that is just one item which they will use for years to come. The trip...maybe that was something they needed to do because they were really stressed out. The younger son, well he was going for a college education and I am not sure how he spent frivolously.

 

While the oldest son should not be used as everyone's bank account, I am sure, given his wealth, he can at least do something to help everyone out. Certainly he should not be buying a house for your youngest son but he could put in a few hundered dollars for the car repair. Saying he would pay for a bicycle for him is rather insulting. I am also sure there is something he can do for your daughter, within reason. There are ways that he can help while making sure he doesn't become their bank account...he just chooses not to.

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Saying he would pay for a bicycle for him is rather insulting.

 

How is that insulting? Would you buy me a bicycle if I asked you?

 

I think you'll find there aren't too many people in the world that would be willing to get you a free bicycle. Yet this guy gets hated on more than all the other people out there who would not even give you a tire, much less a whole bike.

 

No one is entitled to a car, a house, or even food on the table. More power to you if you can legally acquire any of the above. But we are not owed anything. So my take is that we should be thankful for any help we get in this life, and when we don't get help, it's just a chance to man-up and grow as a person.

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How is that insulting? Would you buy me a bicycle if I asked you?

 

I think you'll find there aren't too many people in the world that would be willing to get you a free bicycle. Yet this guy gets hated on more than all the other people out there who would not even give you a tire, much less a whole bike.

 

No one is entitled to a car, a house, or even food on the table. More power to you if you can legally acquire any of the above. But we are not owed anything. So my take is that we should be thankful for any help we get in this life, and when we don't get help, it's just a chance to man-up and grow as a person.

 

Somehow I don't think that he was being kind when he mentioned the bicycle...something tells me that he was just being snarky and not sincere....and if he did get him a bicycle something tells me that he would find some 25 dollar beat up bicycle at a garage sale to give to him. Without knowing all of the dynamics it is tough to get a real read on this...but something tells me that there is more to this than supposed righteous indignation on the part of the older son.

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Just because someone has made something of himself does not mean that he should put himself in financial burden because the rest of his family made mistakes. I can see providing some intial help but after that they should buck up.Because someone is family is no reason to be expected to give out handouts all the time.

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He has nearly or even around a million of dollars in assets or cash.

 

Is that in assets or cash? Being a millionaire in assets is very different to being a cash millionaire.

 

That said, I've been raised that blood is thicker than water, and if my younger sister needed help, I'd be there. If she wasn't helping herself then that help would probably be the tough love that your son is doling out now.

 

What has your daughter and her family done to help themselves?

What has your youngest son do to help himself?

 

Why then should your eldest son help them? I'm sure he doesn't see them as the safest bets.

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From what I know, I believe majority of my oldest son’s money use to be precious metals and diamonds. As for now, he hasn’t been really buying anything, so I believe that most of it may be cash in banks around the world. He has three houses, but he rent out two of them.

 

I agree with Crazyaboutdogs. My son doesn’t realize how much stresses his sister and her husband was under when they bought their first house and opened their own business. So they really want to reward themselves for year of successful business and hard work. They really didn’t expect things to get bad and think my son was just being paranoid. As for my daughter’s car, it is a classic car that means the world to her, I cannot believe my son would dare to tell her to get rid of it. My son doesn’t have television at all and think it is just a waste of moneys and time. So he uses that as a measure of standard. In my eyes, they really deserve and earn everything they got. I believe that it also really motivate them to work harder and do better in their business before it goes down. My son doesn’t agree at all. He says he use to live with roommates until he was twenty six eventhough he was pulling in just above four thousands a month and fighting every three or four weeks just so he can save up to start a second business.

Other thing that put me off is my son goes out of the country at least six times a year for vary reason from coaching one of his fighters at a event, visiting a friend, or just for hell of it. So I’m sure he must know what it is like to want to get out and have fun. Yet he still has gut to turn around and blame lot of things on my daughter’s poor spending habit.

 

My son has never owned a car simply because he say it is expensive and unnecessary, so I don’t think he realize how hard it is to live without one. Again he applies this standard to other people. My youngest son need a car badly so he can find a job, my oldest son didn’t even seems to care. My oldest son have even hinted that his siblings should just suck it up and work two jobs just to get by and fix all their mistakes they have made in past.

 

My oldest son always claim he have three jobs. But in our eyes, he just owns businesses that he pretty much have everyone else runs the whole thing while he work only 30 to 40 hours a week and often take a week or two off which isn’t what it is like to actually work for someone or try to raise a family and start a business. Fighting and coaching a fighter is just his hobby that he manages to make moneys off, I’m sure if everyone can make moneys off their hobby, they’d do it. He also claim he spend at least 10 to 20 hours a week keeping track of the economy, stock, looking for new property or houses to buy, and other things.

 

It is a insult to us that he’d consider those a job when he never have to actually work for someone, need to raise a family, having bad luck with transports, job hunting, not being able to decide what to do at any give time, be able to just get up and take couple days off whenever they want to, and other things.

 

He has enough to spare to help and make a big difference in everyone life and not feel it a one bit. Yet he blames all of it on us not listening to him in first place and how we spend moneys or live.

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As for my daughter’s car, it is a classic car that means the world to her, I cannot believe my son would dare to tell her to get rid of it.

Why? If her situation is that bad, surely she would be reducing her expenses? If she's not looking to save money, her situation can't be that dire.

 

Same with your son. He doesn't have a job or car and can't currently afford to live on his own but wants to buy a house? That's just completely unrealistic.

 

I can see where your eldest is coming from with this. He's been telling you all the sky is falling, being ignored and now it's down around your ears everyone is coming to him with an open hand.

 

Do your other children share your opinions of his career path? That might explain why he wouldn't wish to help them.

 

His attitude isn't nice, but I'm doubting that he made his money being nice. He's protecting his investment and is used to being tight. It's not a mindset that will always be good to him, but that's got to be his lesson when he gets to it. Pride comes...

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The hobby of coaching fighters...I wonder if there is more to that than meets the eye...how legitimate is this this money-making hobby...I have to wonder if he got his millions this way..I also have to wonder about what kind of people he is plugged in to. Something sounds about off about your older son. It sounds like money is his God..I have met people like him...worship money over everything else. I think you need to accept that he is not going to provide any help and he will turn up his nose at the rest of the family for not spending their spare time having their finger on the pulse of the market wheeling and dealing. Not everyone who goes through financial tough times spend stupidly...but it sounds like your son is talking out of arrogance more than anything else. You can't force your son to help...let him live with his millions...there is a drawback to the lifestyle and mindset he has...he will learn that at some point in his life.

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